Editor’s Note: Of all the advice columns our Answer Queen has written, this one from a woman who says, “I don’t want to have sex with my husband,” has been the most controversial. Just take a look at the comments to see the debate over what is reasonable for a husband to expect of a wife and vice versa. We welcome your thoughts.
Dear Answer Queen:
I’ve been married for 40 years. I love my husband, but when it comes to sex, he has been, and still is, a 14-year-old boy. At first I was a willing participant, but after years of his moping, cajoling, screaming, and disrespect, I lost interest. We went to therapy, but that didn’t help. Finally, several years ago, I decided to keep the relationship and family intact by agreeing to sex once a week. (I had no family support, no money, a lack of self-esteem, and young children.) But I’m now 60, with some physical issues starting to crop up. And I absolutely dread “date night.”
The thing is, other than sex, I love spending time with my husband; we get along well and enjoy each other’s company. But on this one thing we cannot agree. If I bring it up, he immediately says that if we don’t have sex, we should divorce. He does not take testosterone or engage in porn; he just wants sex with me. ALL. THE. TIME.
Do I continue to close my eyes and endure that 30 minutes once a week to enjoy the other 99 percent of my life?
Signed,
So Over It
Dear SOI:
As the joke goes, “If you put a penny in a jar for every time you have sex before you get married and remove a penny for every time after, you’ll never run out of pennies.” Or recall the famous lines from the movie Annie Hall: The therapists ask both halves of a couple how often they have sex. He says, “Hardly ever; maybe three times a week.” She says, “Constantly! I’d say three times a week.” And then there’s the well-ish known, if controversial, concept of “lesbian bed death”: the idea that long-term lesbian couples have the least sex of any type of couple, ostensibly because women have less sexual desire than men.
The point is, sexual disparity in a couple is common, and usually, though not always, it’s the man who wants more. And a once-a-week, scheduled-sex agreement post marriage-and-kids isn’t unusual or wrong, especially when he wants it constantly and she feels constantly pressured. (Read about this arrangement here, originally from my book The Bitch is Back and reprinted in NextTribe.) But that practice might apply more widely to younger couples. A survey reported in AARP a few years ago showed that of 8,000 people aged 50 or older, a full third in relationships reported rarely or never having sex; another almost-third—28 percent—said they do it only a couple of times a month, and eight percent once a month. (Only 31 percent of these couples said they have sex several times a week.) Also—interestingly—even among the couples who said they were “extremely happy,” a quarter of them rarely or never had sex. That’s a hefty chunk of mid-lifers contentedly watching Netflix in their flannels and face cream, right? Who knew?
Actually, a lot of us. Many of the otherwise loving 50-plus couples I know—the few who have managed to stay together for decades, that is—don’t have tons of sex, and even among those who do, it can be problematic. One friend, early 50s, who had a decent married sex life for 20-plus years, told me recently that peri-menopause had quashed her desire; a 60-something friend described sex with her husband as “not quite as bad as root canal.” (Ha! Okay, though, not that funny.) The point is, keeping your sex life “healthy”—or, frankly, keeping one at all in a very long-term marriage—is actually not particularly natural. And it’s not just women who need help, either, with our needs for lube, hormone creams, a clean fridge, and the perfect number of glasses of wine beforehand. How many hundred ads have you seen lately for Cialis and Viagra?
Still, supposedly, sex is (still) good for us. It supposedly strengthens our vaginal walls, supposedly burns lots of calories (really? Maybe in our 20s, when we were into stuff like Reverse Cowgirl, but …), and supposedly releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel bonded. I say supposedly because, as no doctor, I can tell you only what I hear, read, and experience myself. Also, weekly sex supposedly increases a couple’s happiness, though sex more than once a week apparently doesn’t further increase the joy factor. Again, though, that’s likely true only if both people in the couple enjoy (or at least don’t hate) the sex—if not right away, then soon into starting. Which brings us to you, SOI.
The Threat of Divorce
Image: Andres Jasso/Unsplash
I’ll be honest: Your husband sounds like a real piece of work. He’ll leave you if you don’t have sex with him once a week, rain or shine, discomfort or not? He won’t even talk about this without bringing up divorce? There’s a (big! VERY big!) part of me that wants to say, Kiss this asshole good-bye, or better yet, save the kiss for someone who cares one speck about your feelings. Yes, he has “needs.” But so do you. And feeling like you have no control over sex, even in your marriage, is not okay. He might not be physically forcing you, but to me it’s not unlike rape if you don’t have the choice to say no.
But. You love the guy otherwise, and you also like your life with the benefits that come with being married. I get it. And while he probably actually wouldn’t divorce you if you said a hard no once in a while, he would likely make you miserable—as implied by your comment about his whining, screaming, and disrespect. (Fun!)
The only solution here is to talk to this man. But don’t spring it on him like a (insert sexual metaphor here). Tell him you need to have a conversation about something important to you, and set up a time. When that time comes, put on some makeup (or whatever, at least get out of sweats), pour you each a drink, and approach him with a smile. Then tell him you love him and your life with him, but you need to discuss your sex life. If he wants to keep doing it, he has to understand your needs, too, because sex is about two people. Not just him.
If he refuses to listen? Tell him intimacy between you is over until he does. If he threatens divorce, let him squawk; even if he heads in that direction for a while, I doubt he’s any more interested in letting go of your marriage at this point than you are. (Though if he is, a few weeks of internet dating as a selfish, long-married 60-something should enlighten him about that.) More likely, he’ll hear you out. In fact, since he’s apparently decent 99 percent of the time, I wonder if you haven’t actually attempted to talk to him about this for a while—or in an effective way—given how loaded and miserable the issue is for you. And he can’t read your mind.
Once you’ve got his attention, tell him you understand that he needs sex in marriage, especially monogamous marriage, and that you would like that, too (lie, if you must), but that your sex life isn’t working for you anymore. Tell him about the physical discomforts you’ve been having, reminding him that they’re not unusual for a woman your age. (Again: Maybe he actually doesn’t know this, consumed as he is with his own satisfaction.) Reiterate that you love him and want to stay married, but you need to find other ways to satisfy his desires without you feeling trapped, uncomfortable, and unhappy.
For starters: When your allotted time comes each week, he needs to ask if you’re up for sex—because a big part of your problem is you feeling forced, which turns it into something you’re doing fully for him and that you hate. (Why he would even want that is beyond me.) If you say no sometimes—and you’re allowed to! Guilt-free! though ideally you’ll schedule right then for another try—he needs to go in the bathroom with his laptop, watch his favorite porn vid (if he can’t find one, do some research and help him), and do it all by himself, just like a big boy. If he won’t watch porn, fine, but then he needs another alternative that’s not you. (Does Playboy even still exist?)
If you are able to get yourself in the mood when “date night” arrives, great! (And do try, once you see he’s putting in effort, too. NextTribe editor Jeannie Ralston suggests the Starz series Outlander—specifically, season 1, episode 7—to get you in the mood. Though really, she says, almost any episode of this broiling hot series should do the trick.) But that can’t always, or maybe ever, mean penetration anymore if you don’t want it to. Forgive me for getting graphic, but here are some other things you can suggest in lieu. You lie naked with him while he gets himself off. Again, he’s over 60. It’s high time he learns how. Or you help him, with your hands or your mouth, without him needing to be inside you, if that’s what you most dislike.
For more tips, go online or to a bookstore and find a manual of sex tips for couples over 60. I’d dig up a few for you, but I’d rather recommend some truly great reads you might not find in the self-help aisle: Mating in Captivity, by Esther Perel; I’d Rather Eat Chocolate, by Joan Sewell; or my own, The Bitch is Back, which has several essays about sex, two of them specifically about sexual discrepancy, in midlife.
Happy reading. And happier sex, I hope. ASAP.
Yours,
Answer Queen
A previous version of the story was published on March 4th, 2019.
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JOHN says
Sure its OK to not have or want sex or intimacy from husband or wife. When you get older it just doesn’t matter. I’m the one who doesn’t want, care about sex and intimacy. Married 54 years and I physicaly had problems with sex in my 30’s. And at the time there wasn’t any fancy blue pills and no one knew about erectile problems plus she had all her stupid rule and regulations of things she didn’t like about sex or wanted. Had to put up with her Hitler style. So it was ideal for me to just stop sex what little I could do. I started working midnight shifts 12 hours a day and 7 days a week. We never saw each other it was a perfect set up. Was I shit yes I was and proud that I didn’t have or want sex for over 40. years.
Mandy Deir says
Oh, it’s a religion thing with you. What should the atheists do?
John says
Congradulations on not wanting sex, its fine you don’t want sex. I’m very happy for people who don’t want sex, it’s not worth the effort. I haven’t had for 40 years of my 53 year marriage. I don’t miss it nor do I miss my wife. My life is very calm and pieceful!
John says
I need to married to this lady, I would never bother her for sex. I hadn’t had sex in about 40 years, and have no intention of starting.
Michael Greene says
Posts like these destroy marriages.
I have been reading articles on sex for over twenty years.
This is by far the poorest advice from a biased out of touch person.
Find another article and disregard this one.
Cathi Hanauer says
Fair enough, but then what would you suggest she do? She says he refuses to talk about it. She says they’ve tried therapy and it didn’t work. What I mostly object to is his continued and belligerent insistence on something that’s emotionally and physically uncomfortable for her, week after week, year after year, without any sort of effort or compassion for HER. Some of your buddies below have at least offered some intelligent thoughts or insights into their side (thanks Robby, Rick, etc). What are yours? Inquiring minds want to know.
John says
The marriage is clearly over. The woman doesn’t want sex anymore with her husband. A “marriage” without intimate relations is nothing more than a friendship. IMO the man isn’t unreasonable wanting a divorce if she wants a sexless marriage.
The woman is forcing her will on him as well, she wants to force him into a sexless marriage. Maybe she should let him date another woman on the side if she wants to reject his needs. Most guys will refuse such a marriage.
Bill says
If you are unwilling to fulfill your marital duties, it is time to divorce. If you cannot find some way to satisfy your husband once a week, you are a roommate, not a wife.
Mandy Deir says
Wow. I pity whoever has the unlucky job of being your partner.
John Rivers says
I would never accept a relationship where I’m expected to provide security and comfort for decades on end and not have my needs meet aswell. Our needs are different indeed and this piece of work expects to be treated like a queen with all benefits without tending to his needs. Absolutely no sympathy for this mentality. If she wants less sex, she better be able to tell what part of his bargain he can now not fulfill.
Linda M says
Another article from the point of view of the poor, neglected husband. Why would you imply that he needs to learn how to take care of himself as a grown man? Have you ever met one? I Learned to my surprise that men, even in long, happy marriages, do that all the time by themselves. What a shock it is, to be a healthy older woman in good shape who likes sex, and discovers her husband’s secret hobby. They’re very good at hiding it. The wife gets older, the husband really enjoys having sex with himself, and the wife is at that point completely out of luck. Why don’t you try it from that point of view sometimes?
Rick says
I’m sorry, but as a husband who adores his wife, I work hard to be there for her the way she needs me to be there for her. That means I will wash the dishes. I will take out the trash. I will work hard and make sure the rent is paid. When her back hurts, I OFFER to rub it, even if mine is hurting too. If her feet hurt, I massage them. 90% of the time, I don’t feel like doing it. I’m tired. I want to sleep after working all day. If she’s hungry, I cook her food, and make her plate. I buy her flowers. I take her shopping at Hobby Lobby and Joanne’s. I tell her she’s beautiful every day. So yes, it breaks my heart to have to ask my wife for a hug. Yes, it tears me apart when I tell her that I want her, and her response is, “what’s new?” Yes, I was devastated when she told me that she wouldn’t mind if we never had sex again. Yes, it hurts when she’s angry and annoyed the entire time we are intimate. And yes, it is beyond frustrating to know that it’s pointless asking her for sex, if we did it yesterday, because she just doesn’t feel like it, and she just doesn’t care for sex like that, not even to receive oral sex. It is not at all fair that I have to help with our child-my stepson, do better about staying in shape, caulk the tub, fix the dryer, wash the car, and make the bed, all with a loving and caring attitude, when I don’t want or or feel like doing any of it, but when I say I need intimacy, even if it’s just giving her oral sex, the response is, “oh my God! No! I don’t want to!”, or, if we do, it’s the most emotionless one sided, non interactive moment possible. And in addition she refuses to go to the doctor to see if that can help?! Yes, I have every right to be heartbroken, and angry enough to punch a hole in the wall! My hormones are driving me mad, and the one person who is supposed have that special bond with me doesn’t even value our intimate life enough to at least try do develop a sexual desire for me! Why is it that I have to ignore all my exhaustion, pain, frustrations, emotions, to be there when and how she needs, but our intimate life depends totally upon how she feels at the moment?! I’m sorry, but the husband’s needs are just as important as the wife’s. I’m sick of the double standard.
Desireneverwentaway says
Well said! I am in a sexless marriage (husband’s choice,not mine) for over 6 years. He doesn’t want me to give him oral or anything. I do understand his frustration as I gained A LOT of weight since we’ve been married. Therefore, he’s simply not attracted to me. I understand that. It however doesn’t change the fact that MY hormones are going crazy.
I’m not even doing all the nice things for him like you are doing for your wife, Rick. I mean, for the simple fact that you actually WANT to be with your wife, just as the SOI’s husband, they should be willing and eager to be intimate! Let me tell ya, had I known that my spouse wouldn’t want to be intimate, I would have NEVER gotten married!
I NOW understand that I should have kept myself in shape and I’m working to get back to that place. I think between my youthful enthusiasm and rose colored glasses views on marriage, love & attraction, I thought my looks wouldn’t matter to him as much as they do. I know it now though!
SOI’s story of not wanting to connect sexually with her spouse because, ” I just don’t want to” is A WEAK EXCUSE FOR SELFISHNESS. I WISH my husband would want to be intimate even 6 times a year if that’s all he could manage. These women should thank their lucky stars that their partner hasn’t cheated on them.
Tbb says
I do realise that you are making it sound as your wife doesn’t do anything at home, but you do all the work. Also, when you do house chores, you don’t get a voucher for free sex. I hope you can understand that.
You need to firstly reconnect emotionally with your wife, not expecting or forsing her to feel something she doesn’t feel. Are you aware at all that she can feel the pressure of it all which pushes things backwards even more.
Sometimes women would rather do the chores so they don’t have to “say thank you” or pay for your job just because it makes them feel worthless regardless of what you think you’ve been doing so she doesn’t feel that way. What I’m trying to say is that you can buy her a castle and all the gold in the world and still make her feel little.
You have your rights, she has hers.
Bill says
He has a right to “have and to hold” his wife. He has a right to sex with his wife.
Mandy Deir says
No, Bill.
Justaguy says
I am glad you gave the woman’s side of this because I can not speak for the ladies. But on the man’s side I can. Understand this is just my feelings and not every man’s.
When I married, I married because I loved this lady. Sex and pleasing her was a very important way (to me) of showing her how I felt about her and how much she means to me.
I don’t cheat because it would hurt her and make her feel unimportant to me. As the love of my life that is not something I would do to her.
With that said, when this lady rejects her husband, when it comes to sex, she is emotionally telling him that he is not the man she wants and he fells useless as a man. He can’t please her any more and she dose not what him. Even if that is not what she thinks that is what he thinks. No matter how she tries to tell him different. Over the years it is teaches the guy that she dose not want him so shuts down toward her. Now you have a room mate that you are married to. WHY! In my case we separated emotionally and I felt like the lowest person in the world because I could not please my wife.
Finally we separated and it has been about 3 years. I finally let go and filled for divorce last week. If you don’t think it dose not work on the men mentally you are mistaken.
I feel sorry for this couple she hates sex but is happy the rest of the time with him and he demands sex to the point “if we don’t have sex, we should divorce.”
I have to agree with him. Not because of the reason he gives but because the marriage is over and most likely end on a bad note.
No one should have to try to force sex on anyone. If she loves him she needs to show him. If she dose not let him go and move on.
Robby says
What I do not see here is a practical means of addressing this situation with the idea of helping her and him, both. She mentions being over 60 an issues creeping in. Women do have issues at that age and all sorts of things start happening, Vaginismus, Vaginal Atrophy, and a host of others. What is not mentioned is her attempt to correct for this. In most cases, if this is ongoing, she should consult a Gynecologist with the idea to getting it corrected. If it is her drive, as a result of her husband, being too demanding, she needs to suggest a Marriage counselor or Sex Therapist. Some Medical Insurance pays for this. Humans are sexual creatures. Before you start thinking it is just a thing you must endure, understand that you are missing out on pleasure. That alone should anger you, no matter what sex you are. Anger enough, to seek assistance in getting it corrected. One thing a lot of men, and a few women, have pointed out, is that a marriage without sex is just a couple trying to play roommates. Women, think of this, OK, Sex is not your thing, then why be married? Emotional contact with another person, right? Now take into account that Sex is for women emotional, where for most men, it is physical. Do you expect him to thrive on the emotional context for long? Do you expect the marriage to do so?
Husbands view says
Sorry but how is it that it’s a husbands duty and obligation to satisfy the wife’s emotional needs by NOT wanting to have sex wife his wife, but it’s NOT the wife’s duty to want to have sex with her husband!?
I completely agree with the husband in this case. If a wife isn’t attracted and sexually interested in her husband then why even be married? The same goes the other direction as well, although rare. If there’s no sexual attraction or need there’s no point. They probably shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Now, personally, I’d be happy as hell if my wife and I had sex once a week. More like once a month for us. And I’ve told her essentially the same thing, although not as abrasive. I’ve told her, if she’s not sexually attracted to me any longer then why are we still married? I didn’t get married to just have a roommate. Also, if either spouse is just having sex to satisfy the other but not enjoying it then perhaps it’s time to move on. I for one don’t want to have sex wife anyone who isn’t wanting to be there and isn’t enjoying it. If this mode of intimacy is common and not just a one off then the marriage is already over and someone’s gonna cheat eventually or at a minimum live their life unhappy. Everyone has their needs and as a married couple we should be happy and enjoy meeting our spouses needs, the moment we start saying this like “my needs are to not meet your needs” that’s the blaring truth that it’s over. I hate when I hear women now days say “a happy wife is a happy life” it goes both ways, who cares if a wife is happy when the husband is miserable.
I spent years doing everything I could to be a loving and understanding husband. Forgoing my sexual needs because she just wasn’t in the mood, or she’s just not that sexually driven. Years trying to understand and meet my wife’s needs emotionally, being told she just isn’t a sexual person (again once a month at most). Just to find out that she WAS into sex and had sexual urges, just not for me. She had sexual interest, passion, and a kinky side. Just with another man. Don’t buy into this crap that a sexless marriage is healthy. Especially if that sentiment is one sided. A mans needs are just as important as a woman’s. If she isn’t happy having sex with you, you have every right to be just as unhappy about not having sex, and if she prioritizes her needs while ridiculing and diminishing, or making you feel shame for yours then it’s time to leave.
Jey says
Analyse of Sexual human behaviour
In a Marriage after the famous point of the ending chemicalrush of gods given Love in our brains:
Sex is love for a man =
No sex is love for a woman
Divine as a Husband would be to not depend the marriage on sexual action from any woman as a sign of love to the wife and children
Divine as a wife would be to consider from time to time satisfying your husband in order to show love to your husband and your kids
as a husband to forget about sexual pleasure with his wife is as hard as when the wife still has sexual action with the husband without feeling pleasure..
The absence of sexual action is a sign of love for the wife
The presence of sexual action is a sign of love for the husband
if the husband doesnt feel loved from you not beeing divine from time to time the husband can turn evil if he isnt a child of god beat you and try to rape you
a Husband always wanting sexual action is as evil as a Wife never wanting to give sexual action to his husband BECAUSE
Love for a husband is the physical act of giving love to eachother by living sexual pleasure
Love for a wife is the opposit its the importance of the emotional act of love with the absence of sexual pleasure
So whats the solution for a happy marriage?
Be divine as a husband control sexual desire to the point of complete independence concerning your overall-happiness
Be divine as a Wife to sometimes give love without feeling love emotionaly
Both actions are exactly as hard to maintain for both partners
What could drive a wife to comitt adultry in a marriage? The begging and dependence on sex from the husband( buaaaarkk what an ugly scumbag)
What drives a husband to leave the marriage? the lack of physical love from time to time
Paradoxon concerning the wife committing adultry: no problem to give to the other man sexual pleasure but not your husband if she is attached to the new man emotionaly.
The husband should give emotional love by the absence of sexual satisfaction
Paradoxon concerning the husband committing adultry:
No problem to give emotional love to any other girl if she is more attractive sexually
The wife should give physical love by sexual satisfaction
Because love for a man is shown physically and the love for a woman emotionaly
Marriages are breaking up more and more because elite patriarchy has given feminism the power to stand up for their “rights”. The goal of elite patriarchy is to empower wimen to allow hypergamie empower the Evil Elite(satandriven Men)
When a wife says.. no its not my duty to give my husband sexual satisfaction is like the husband saying… it’s a duty of my wife to satisfy me sexually
You understaaaaanndd?!?!
blinking nod says
The advice you gave this woman was completely one sided, and comparing the husbands demand for sex at least once a week to rape is just plain wrong. Traditional wedding vows certainly do say, “To have, and to hold.” The concept of “to hold” is pretty obvious, but what do you suppose “to have” might mean? It’s a very traditional and polite way of saying “To take unto oneself.” If this man would prefer sex as often as the wife states is willing to accept only getting once a week, I’d say bravo for him being willing to compromise. As far as his threatening divorce over the issue, is he really? or is he simply being honest about what his boundaries are? There is nothing wrong with him or her being honest and saying what their needs are. He can say, “If you want to stay married to me, I need sexual gratification at least once a week.” She also has the right to say, “If you want to stay married to me I need to feel unforced to pleasure you.” If this woman really feels this way, perhaps she should just allow her marriage to end. Nobody should be let off the hook. I’ve heard of men who use the excuse of impotence to refrain from pleasuring their wives. I’m sorry, but you have two hands and a mouth and toungue. Impotence is no excuse, and neither is vaginal discomfort. I also felt you might be attempting to lead this woman into a false sense of security thinking that other women would find her husband to be undesirable at his age. Nothing could be further from the truth. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, and I have no doubt he could find several options if he so chose. What she does have going for her if none of them could ever be her. None of them could ever replace his need to be close to her. They certainly wouldn’t have the history. Suggesting pornography and masturbation as a viable alternative to sex is just plain ridiculous. I would ask though if she might be open and trusting enough to allow a surrogate to fulfill her marital duties? hookers are a dime a dozen, and they generally don’t get attached. Praying you folks cum together and pull through.
Cathi Hanauer says
Thanks–well put (starting with your line “As far as his threatening divorce,” anyway–before that, you lost me), and a lot to consider here. Honestly, if she had written to me, “My husband and I have different sexual needs–what should we do?” my answer would have been very different. I reacted to his whining and cajoling (as she put it) and seeming refusal to even discuss this. Perhaps she’s exaggerating, but as she’s the one who wrote to me, and I’m not in contact with her, I have to take her at her word. And I’m willing to rethink the stuff about porn and masturbation; you’re right, that meets a different need than good lovemaking with a longtime spouse. (And I like what you said about that!) Also, I got the feeling that this guy wasn’t open to anything but intercourse, which goes against what you’re suggesting with “two hands and a tongue” (and is part of what i tried to suggest). Ultimately, the goal is for both people to get at least some of their needs met without resentment, and to me, the only thing that can really lead to that is mature, productive discussion. Anyway, thanks for writing in, and for your thoughts. All good things to consider.
Terry says
I agree with the guy who responded here. I’m sorry ladies, but you made your vows. This is incredibly poor behaviour by women; changing the goal posts on marriage.
If she can’t fulfill her vows – once a week is not asking much – then she deserves no sympathy.
Withholding sex in marriage is worse than infidelity – it’s the original cheating that drives the other spouse to cheat.
Why do you not even suggest he seeks an open marriage?
Other than that, you just highlight there is nothing for a man to be gained by marriage.
Yes I know there’s all those fake stats about how better male married lives are, and that’s fake too, because the huge number of divorced men don’t even get included in the stats.
Marriage, contrary to your small world view, serves women far better than men, it always has done. Monogamy is many times more difficult for a man than a woman. But because of twisted feminist ideology you are now arguing that marriage be turned into friendships without physicality.
No dear lady, the corrct advise to this whiner is “if your husband has remained faithful and supportive in all other ways, then you owe him this weekly commitment. If you can’t psychologically address it yourself, then you allow him to cheat. You seem like a selfish person, gaining many positives from the friendship side, unfortunately your side of the deal is sex”
Barbara McDonald says
I am 73 and l want sex 3x a week. My man, used to be man, simply stopped communicating with me. He was all over me for a year. He is a workaholic who constantly smokes pot to deal with his emotions. You can’t have a conversation ever. He hate me now and won’t talk at all. I stopped loving him cause everything else is more important than my needs. Lots of older women want sex. They just want a man who is compassionate and cuddly. He won’t even watch a movie with me anymore. It’s a lie that women don’t want sex. Grow up. You get tired of us first. I masturbate 5x a week. Just love yourself when the guy is impossible to reach.
Brendan Hart says
This is terrible advice. Especially since you know you are only getting one perspective here.
That horrible man…expecting intimacy in a marriage. How dare he?
Ayl says
Can please someone tell me where exactly does it say that marriage equals sex?When I got married (civil and religious) there was nowhere mentioned sex,but “till death due us part” and not “until sex is over”.Marriage is about mutual love and not about “all you can have sex buffet”.Also, men are really selfish and always blame the women.They are lucky, even though they don’t realize it,they don’t have the female hormones. There is no period,no pregnancy, no breastfeeding (try nursing non stop for 8 years day and night and even tandem nursing), no menopause and so on.Gain weight while pregnant and you must lose it fast,otherwise you are not attractive anymore,then do that a couple of times more.Try and cook every meal from scratch everyday,do loads of laundry everyday,be on your knees everyday,drive the kids places 7 days a week and the list goes on.By 11 pm when you’re finally done and ready to just throw yourself in bed,your “lovely husband”, who by the way has been literally sitting his bottom on the couch all day,wants you all of a sudden.His world is is laptop,his phone and his needs.He never knows when something breaks in the house,he has never changed a lightbulb, he won’t know the furnace filter size ….
So,please stop playing the victims.Sex is not everything in this world!!!
Angel M Quinton says
I totally agree!!!! My husband is 57 I’m 44 he will watch porn almost everyday and when I tell him no he will stomp or try to manipulate me by saying fine I’ll never touch you again. Well he got an email from a girl with a phone number from one of those sites so I gave him the choice if I stay I put a block on his phone so he can’t watch that filth. His response was fine but don’t ever tell me no!!!! I’m not a whore and he is not my pimp. If i. Sick or running fever he don’t care he still expects me to have sex if my back is out I’m still supposed to have sex…..WRONG. I don’t know what to do he works in extreme weather to take care of me and I appreciate that so so much, however he never does anything at home except sleep eat and crapoh and make messes for me to deal with. I need help too!
John says
You posted marriage is not “all you can have sex buffet”. Once a week is a sex buffet? If I was going to marry a woman and she told me before marriage “there will come a time I will stop having relations with you, don’t worry sex isn’t everything”. I would never marry that woman.
IMO that woman’s marriage now is nothing more than a good friendship. Get out buddy it’s not worth the mental anguish.
If a spouse withholds sex for months or years without a medical reason she is 1) banging another guy 2) doesn’t love you anymore or has lost all the feelings. Time to move on.
Bill says
1 Corinthians 7 “ each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.“
Amirali says
I’ve been on the other side of this. My ex wife wanted sex far more than me. I didn’t and it led to our divorce. I should have compromised and had sex with her far more, no question about it in my mind. We had underlying emotional difficulties and other resentments, which perhaps led to me not trying as hard as I should have to rebuild the physical connection and attraction to her.
Sex is important. I firmly believe this guy should stop talking about divorce, and file for it and find someone who wants to be intimate with him.
It would be one thing if she sounded more loving about him being a great provider otherwise, frustrated about not having libido matching his, and respectful of his human desire/need for intimacy. In that case, I could understand them maybe continuing to work/try things about it.
But honestly, she sounds like she has no desire to try things to enhance her attraction or physical intimacy with him, and no empathy for his needs. I feel really sorry for the poor guy, and from her tone it sounds like the sex is symptomatic of other problems, regardless of how much she talks about enjoying the “other 99%” of life with him.
He can replace her and do better.
Jeannie Ralston says
Thanks for this perspective. Very helpful hearing your side of it with the tables turned.
Jessica says
Amirali:
I happen to be that wife with the higher drive. 36, my husband is 45 and all he cares about is cuddling, doesn’t initiate or can’t perform unless it’s morning or tremendous effort on my part to get him ready for intimacy.
When I read this, and read that this lady’s husband only wants it 1x a week and doesn’t cheat or look at porn, all he wants is her… I wish I had that from my husband.
My husband cheated on me once 3 years ago which neither of us got help for and is still a sore spot for me, I’ve found porn in his history or if I type in Google, his most recent searches come up. I am extremely hurt and still try to be affectionate and close to my husband. I used to love love love being intimate with my husband but now my self-esteem is destroyed from having to compare myself with what his eyes see that’s not me, and yet I still try just to be close and feel loved and connected even though deep down I am feeling undesirable and self-conscious now.
I don’t understand this lady when at least her husband desires her and only her and at least he has a drive.
And for You and other low-drive men and even low-drive women, I definitely think it’s your responsibility to get that checked out by a doctor or counsellor. Married couples are suppose to have intimate times, it’s the one special person you can do those things with.
I have thought about divorce a lot and I have said it, I know I am wrong to bring it up when I feel at my wits end. It’s so hard when the other person shuts down and refuses to communicate and same issues never get resolved. Swept under the carpet for a bit but still there and come right back up again.
For me, I’d love it if my husband stay away from drinking and porn, and just be happy he has the kids and I. We are a very loving and affectionate family. He is fortunate to have a second chance after losing his ex-wife and his own 3 kids.
CK44 says
Sex = trust and love to a man. It is not JUST the act. Men have egos and NEED to be WANTED. When a women doesn’t want it anymore, the relationship is over. Period. Sex IS the relationship.
It’s not about getting off…..its the bond that makes the man do ANYTHING for you. The ONLY reason guys get married is to lock in that lover for life. They dont want friendship or a partner. They want a LOVER. We have friends….and guy friends are a lot more fun that women friends. Problem with women is that it is impossible for them to truly love a man. He can devote his entire life to her and she cant even PRETEND to want him once in awhile. Pathetic. I was married 17 years….she wanted sex 2-3 times over the last decade. I’m in perfect shape and every girl I date now is LOVING the sex. My wife couldnt even fake it—now all I have is younger women, tons of sex, and she is looking for “love” supposedly. My girlfriend is 7 years younger…..her “boyfriends” are ghosting her after they use her. She thought that her new man needed to make according to her, $90,000+ a year….needed to have a certain type of job, certain height, certain build…..I dont think women understand. After 40, your value plummets and you cant get a man like that unless he is older and desperate. Start recognizing that you need your husband WAY more than he needs you. Especially after age 35. Dont let feminism and TV shows convince you that wine bars, being single and getting pumped and dumped is the way to go. If you have someone that is committed, loves you…..make it work. The grass is not greener for the woman….she can get used, but good luck getting remarried. You’ll have to be a complete porn star in the bedroom to trap anyone new.
Notaht says
Calm down, Senor. Wish I was single. Some of us women (majority) could go the rest of our lives without a man or sexual encounter. It’s not good anyway and please, don’t care what you say. Half those women are faking it anyway baby. BELIEVE ME! So grab a ladder and come off that horse. We just want to be alone in a house that’s clean and not having to look after anyone.
Terry says
Exactly. Women have tried to contort the marriage contract so far, that it doesn’t amount to marriage anymore.
And of course men are much more reluctant to marry as they hear stories like yours. It’s the problem feminism started; the idea that freedom comes without responsibility.
Why do so many women want to be married, all that wedding day bluster – and frankly narcissism – when they are not emotionally mature enough to recognise the huge commitment involved thro a life time.
joe says
Jim is 100% right. Women hold all power and are abusers about it. My wife only wanted sex to get children and then lost All interest. Marriage is a trap that ONLY benefits women. I hate it.
Ginny says
That’s sad. I have sex with my husband every night. If I want to or not. I has multiple sclerosis and he will take sex if I don’t give it. I have been with him 23 years. I gave him 3 son’s. I cook, clean, maintain the house, the bills, the yard and the cards. He calls me a stupid fat bitch if I’m too sick to do what he wants. So I quietly do what he wants so my kids don’t have to hear him tell and then he will be in a better mood. I keep him happy so my family doesn’t have to suffer. My heart is numb. He makes me feel like his personal whore. One day I will die and it will finally be over. At least I did everything I could.
Jeannie Ralston says
This hearts my heart to hear. You deserve some happiness–not waiting for death to relieve your suffering. I’m so, so sorry.
Jim says
I doubt you’ll have the courage to allow my criticism to make it to public view, but let’s see. I think your advice is terrible. and here’s why: you don’t take into consideration what is right or good for the husband. why is that important?
because what is right and good for the husband is right and good for the wife. people go to incredible lengths in their daily lives to please other people in the world that aren’t even family. the boss. the neighbor. the government. but at home? women want to look like trash, and treat their husbands like trash, and expect their husbands the love them for it.
she says that 99% of the time her life is happy. in other words, she is getting EVERYTHING she wants to have a satisfied life and die happy. how many people can HONESTLY say they are 99% happy about ANYTHING? democrats and republicans fight tooth and nail just to get 51%. in this life, if you get even HALF of what you’d like, you’re lucky.
my suspicion is that her husband is not NEAR as content with his life with her as she is with him. she mentions the screaming and disrespect and other things… clearly there is a problem. from the male perspective, he may see sex once a week as a MAJOR compromise. he may be TOTALLY ready to cut his wife loose to get some peace of mind and live out the rest of his life sailing small boats on sandy beaches.
but he performs his good husbandry duty. he promised until death til they part. he’s got money to leave her when he kicks the bucket. he’s holding the homestead together. you have to remember, that people in general, MEN and WOMEN both, will move away from pain 10 times faster than they move towards pleasure. this is an important survival REFLEX that i think we can all understand: pain has the potential to KILL you, while pleasure only offers the promise of temporary joy.
this guy could be at his wits’ end, having spent a lifetime putting in his time for a nagging shrew and raising his kids…. and now all he is asking is 30 minutes a week of patience from the woman who is supposed to respect him and love him.
while he’s working up to his weekly release, instead of laying back and thinking how much she hates having to perform? why can’t she think about all the years he sacrificed for her? he gave her children. he gave her a life. he’s staying with her when she is old, instead of letting her become a geriatric with nobody to lean on. she could be spending her final days looking out a nursing home window, wondering if she will see her children again before she finally dies.
all she has to do to avoid that, is put on a smile, not complain, grab some KY once a week. come on man…. how many women have sex with men who don’t care about them at all, just to make a living? this is the father of her children and a man she loves spending time with.
i think this is just a simple case of “no matter how much a person has, they want a little bit more”. in this case, less is more. but lets say the husband agreed to never have sex again. would she really be happy then? i doubt it. she would find SOMETHING to complain about regarding him. why?
because he’s a human fucking being, and he’s not perfect, and she wants a perfect man. she wants Jesus Christ. that’s what she’s REALLY batting for… a perfect game. to push the envelope. no compromise. EVERYTHING she wants. hell, she’s already got 99%… can she get that 1% more that would make her life perfect?
the answer is, that she isn’t satisfied with her life because she is empty inside… and she’s not going to find fulfillment by taking away the 1 thing that she can give to her husband to satisfy him. and the reason she can’t stand to give him sex, is because for a brief moment, he really has contentment. and she never truly has it, no matter the fact that she can cognitively recognize that she has EVERY reason to be content in life.
she is unhappy with her life, and it has nothing to do with her husband, and everything to do with the shallowness of her spirit. otherwise, as a content soul, she would have the love in her heart to make that sacrificial act of love a gift to her husband. love is not self-seeking. it seeks the benefit of someone else.
i rub my wife’s feet. it makes my hands sore and i get NOTHING out of it, except seeing the satisfaction it gives to her. now, should i stop rubbing her feet just because i get sore hands? i could, but then everyone would look down on me. we’re expected to make these sacrifices for our spouses. get over your sore pussy and make your husband happy once a week.
Billy Dee says
Perfectly Put. Its funny how women complain patriacrhy when men are literally told “happy wife happy life” and basically are meant to just put their lives in the dirt for the sake of some never satisfied woman who only demands more and more.
Rhonda says
It takes compromise from both sides. She should be able to say no, and he should sacrifice for her. Sometimes she needs to sacrifice for him and say yes. If a spouse is pressuring the other into having sex, then it just becomes a chore. If people love each other, they will have respect for each other. There is much more to marriage than how often people have sex. Someone screaming at someone about how often to have sex is not going to help anything. And I may be in the minority here, but I don’t agree with the advice of finding porn as generic advice to help with the situation. Porn destroyed my marriage, it can break down emotional bonds, it drove us further apart. And the comment from the 30-year old…some of those statements were pretty disturbing, but I’ll only say that I don’t think a 30 year old can truly relate to how a 60-year old woman would feel. Saying someone has to have sex no matter what, without considering if it’s hurting them physically for example, isn’t really love.
Cathi Hanauer says
All good points, Rhonda–thanks for this response!
Amirali says
I get what you’re saying that “you have to have sex no matter what” is hurtful and dehumanizing. But imo, it’s also soul crushing to say “you should agree to spend the rest of your life in a sexless marriage or at best, with only painful unpleasurable sex”. Maybe instead of there being bad guys on each side, they just aren’t compatible and should spend their last years of their life being happy.
Dustin says
If she does not desire him and there is no intimacy then there is no love and as well the marriage is a crutch witch dont get me wrong I’m almost 30 being single is no issue for me yes I have kids but if my wife does not desire me then I to will not desire her and would go have sex with her sister or anyone I could as she has vowed during marriage to love and hold witch means yes she must have intimacy and must desire him otherwise he has full rights for a diverse under neglect of failed sexual needs and here in Tennessee he is entitled to the kids and all as it can be used to show she will be showing her kids that no intimacy is ok when it is not and if she won’t give him what he needs. Single man in fact gets more sex than a married one it’s just facts so someone will satisfy his needs if she dont want to
Cathi Hanauer says
I think you’re not quite right about some of this, and I hope you don’t have sex with her sister, but i appreciate the response. Thanks for taking the time.
John says
Your husband needs to stop talking about divorce — he needs to take action and file now. Then if he wants to work on intimacy issues with a true partner, he’ll be free to.
Cathi Hanauer says
I appreciate your thoughts and am interested in your response–thanks for taking the time. So you truly believe he would be happier leaving her? That he should throw away all those years of history, and the rest of their (still happy) time together, over her lack of desire? And you believe that part of the deal in marriage is sex at least once a week, regardless of desire? I think there’s a longer conversation here, and I’d love to (respectfully) have it. This goes for Rich’s comment, too. I would love to hear from more men about this.
Amirali says
I actually agree with you that she shouldn’t feel compelled to have sex if it repulses her, and there is 0 or less desire. I just think though, if it’s that far gone, it’s worthwhile to just move on from both parts. They can both find partners, where she desires the guy and the guy can be with someone who wants him.
It’s not just “throwing away” all the memories and years of marriage. They can still be friends, they still have the memories.
Terry says
It’s so important to men we would happily flush a relationship down the toilet in order to have our needs addressed.
You just don’t get it do you?
It’s not optional. Our bodies are building sperm every second of the day. Testosterone build up makes us irritable and angry – the science is all done, in animals too.
Why in this day and age do women not understand this?
Don says
To answer your question, “yes.”
Cathi Hanauer says
Thanks for your comment–I always appreciate hearing from readers. So–how exactly do I suggest that she “use sex as a weapon”? And what would your answer to this be? Would love to hear! –Cathi
Rich says
I imagine if roles were reversed and the woman wanted sex but the man had zero sex drive, you’d still paint the man as the bad guy. Your suggestion she use sex as a weapon was pretty vile.
Ginny says
True. Being hounded for sex is different than the man who is affectionate. Give it to me or else attitude hurts a woman’s sex drive.
Cathi Hanauer says
Ginny, bingo! You hit the nail on the head. My answer reflected the way the writer’s husband was demanding sex, seemingly with no awareness of or care about her needs or desires (or pain). It’s been fascinating/enlightening to read the comments coming in, and to see how polarized many men and women are about this. Sad and eye-opening. Thank you for your wise and succinct response. -ch
Terry says
Another gaping hole in the writer’s and female comments on here is the sheer ignorance of the difference in desire between men and women.
Men’s stimulation is almost completely physical; our sexual response happens at 1/5 the speed of conscience thought; our amygdala and hyperthalamus are 3 times bigger.
That’s because women start with the biological advantage of knowing they can always pass on their genes.
As such, women don’t have to try anything like as hard as men to get sex.
Historically only 1/7 men passed on their genes. That means 7 women could be married to one strong alpha guy. Why don’t we move back to polygamy and then all the wives could share the sexual burden.
Women’s desire is reactive. A lot of women say that they’re not into it initially but once it starts they find themselves enjoying it.
But armed with the knowledge above perhaps women will recognise their responsibilities again, realising the enormous commitment men make to marriage.
Otherwise expect birth rates to keep plummeting and more and more men to avoid marriage itself.
Ask yourself, how do prostitutes give themselves up if they aren’t in the mood. Money alters that dynamic dramatically. Well in a marriage men give up money and much time too without a guaranteed return.
One day when men have gone on total marriage strike, and pay women/escorts in cash for each encounter, perhaps the infants that are today’s feminists will recognise the idiocy of their behaviours