I’ll never forget my first failed attempt at friendship with another new mom.
Desperate for companionship, I had joined the JCC in my town, for a Mommy and Me class with my three-month-old daughter. I loved the wry wit of Felicia, a brunette former New Yorker, who mimicked the overzealous instructor (“Mommy, watch your baby rolling—high five”), and joined me in eyerolls after one of the younger-looking woman spoke nonstop babytalk. Like me, she had bags under her eyes and seemed both exhausted and exhilarated by her tow-haired son.
Unlike the other moms, who talked about their favorite baby-friendly restaurants, she didn’t mind telling me about the best kid-unfriendly sushi spot. I liked her subversive spirit, and I was glad to have found someone whose viewpoint, like mine, was more urban than suburban.
Having my daughter in my mid-40s left me adrift socially and emotionally because most of my peers had much older kids and the rest of my friends were single and childless.
I joined her for an after-class snack at the local diner. Over bites of bagels and sips of orange juice, we commiserated over diaper debacles, feeding frenzies, and our sheer exhaustion from the challenges of round-the-clock child care. Feeling comfortable, I revealed my secret as we walked out to our cars.
“Felicia, I’m so glad you’re a midlife mom, like me,” I blurted. “We should go out one night with our husbands.”
“I’m 29,” she replied, giving me a look like I had ordered tofu in a steakhouse,“and I have a partner, not a husband, although I hope to marry her one day.”
“My mistake. I’m so sorry,” I replied. She just nodded.
Considering that both my gaydar and age-dar were off, our bond never quite recovered,
First Time Mom After 40: Finding A Circle
Having my daughter in my mid-40s left me adrift socially and emotionally because most of my peers had much older kids and the rest of my friends were single and childless.
What I lacked in friend-finding finesse, I definitely made up for in unbridled enthusiasm.
I found my first mom pal when I accosted a man with a baby in the elevator of my building and asked—no, demanded—to meet his wife. I loved our chats about how to cut baby fingernails, what stroller to buy, and how to treat diaper rash but was left stranded when she moved away.
Caroline Magnus, who also had kids later in life, commiserates. “Making new friends when you are an older mom is hard because it’s not based on shared past experiences from, say, growing up or college.”
Luckily, Caroline met “smart, younger women with old souls” when she crashed a new mom’s lunch around the corner from her home with her four-week-old baby.
I attended several local events through Meetup.com and met moms in their late 30s and early 40s. One invited me to join her book club, and slowly I began to find my tribe. I’ve since become good friends with moms from my daughter’s school, though many are a decade younger. But I feel as if I’m a step behind the people I grew up with.
Having my daughter in my mid-40s left me adrift socially and emotionally because most of my peers had much older kids and the rest of my friends were single and childless.
Out of Step
Image: Nathan Dumlao/Unsplash
While I am celebrating milestones such as my nine-year-old daughter going to sleep-away camp for the first time or getting her ears pierced, my former schoolmates are celebrating college acceptances, weddings, or, even, the birth of their first grandchild.
Lorin Cook can relate to the disconnect. She had twins in her early 40s, adding to her brood. “My best friend from high school is a grandmother, and I’m planning a vacation to Disney World.” On the plus side: “My friends are a great resource on colleges and taking the SATs.”
‘If you aren’t texting with all the younger moms, you get left out. I forced myself to chaperone and be a part of carpools to ensure my daughter is part of the group.’
Some older moms find middle school requires social engineering. Ellesor Holder, had her daughter at 42. “I realized if you aren’t texting with all the younger moms, you get left out. I forced myself to chaperone and be a part of carpools to ensure my daughter is part of the group.”
Even though my kid-free friends complain about being tired, at least their time is their own. They aren’t doing nonstop chauffeuring or planning marathon playdates and endless after-school activities. Nor do they have to make their child their number-one priority.
One time, stuck without a sitter, and my husband away on business, I had to bring my toddler to an empty-nester friend’s 50th birthday party at a sports bar. I realized I should have stayed home when my daughter started grabbing at the umbrellas in the pina coladas my friends were slinging.
Advice From the Road Ahead
Still, while I was worried about how to navigate the summer sans child, several peers were going through some full-blown midlife crises.
“Don’t do what I did. I only paid attention to my boys and now I’m divorced, and I rarely see my kids,” cautioned a friend from high school. Another ditched her marriage of 20 years and moved to another country the minute her son left for college.
After hearing that, I told my husband that our relationship needs to come first—even before our child.
‘My daughter will be getting her period just around the time I begin menopause.’
It’s scary to think that as my daughter enters puberty—and our home becomes hormone central—I will bid adieu to estrogen forever. Unlike younger moms, I have no choice in choosing my milestones.
After all, my daughter will be getting her period just around the time I begin menopause. I guess that means we’ll both be feeling hormonal at the same time.
Between the teen angst (hers), lack of sleep (mine), and outbursts (probably both of ours), we will have a rollicking household.
I recently downloaded the relaxation app Calm. I guess I’d better learn some meditation techniques now, and maybe even book a spa day—or two. I think I’m going to need them.
***
Estelle Erasmus is an award-winning journalist, writing coach and former magazine editor-in-chief of five national consumer print publications. Her articles and essays have been published in The New York Times, The Washington Post, Salon, Brain, Child, Family Circle and more. She is host and curator for the podcast for the American Society of Journalists and Authors ASJA Direct: Inside Intel on Getting Published and Paid Well. She teaches pitching and personal essay classes for Writer’s Digest.
Further Reading
Hot Flashes Warm Bottles : First-Time Mothers Over Forty
Baby Changes Everything: Embracing and Preparing for Motherhood after 35
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