Top
NextTribe NextTribe
The Mother Son Bond: Does It End When He Gets Married? | NextTribe

by · Connection

A Son Is A Son Till He Takes A Wife: Does the Mother Son Bond End When He Gets Married?

Years after writing a book about the importance of the mother son bond, Kate Stone Lombardi wonders if she can stay close to her son now that he's getting married.

Editor’s Note: “When your son gets married you lose a son”—it’s a concept that certainly hit home for our readers. This article about the author’s mother/son bond was one of our most read pieces in 2017 and 2018. Check out her follow up “My Life as a Mother-In-Law” here (after reading the below, of course).

With Mother’s Day 2017 right around the corner, I’d been pondering the mother son bond even more then usual. Then, almost on cue, my iPhone bings. A photo of a plate, captioned: “Tomato herb rice with white beans and spinach—not bad.” I don’t know what most adult sons text about with their moms, but Paul and I often exchange pictures of what we made for dinner.

“No meat?” I reply.

“Protein in beans,” followed by a heart emoji.

Common wisdom held that when your son hit adolescence, it was time to start letting him go, for his own mental well being.

Paul and I have always been close. Among other things, we share a love of debate, bad puns, and cooking. The food bond started early. Paul claims that when he was 8 years old, I snapped at him in the grocery store produce section, “Didn’t I raise you better than to buy peaches out of season?” In my defense, my son, now 28, is an inspired cook and a careful shopper.

Testing My Own Theories on the Mother Son Bond

When Paul was a teenager, I wrote a book on the mother-son relationship, called The Mama’s Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger. Research backed up the subtitle – studies revealed that boys who have a strong emotional bond with their mothers fare better in school, in the workplace, and in relationships with friends and significant others. They had lower rates of anxiety and depression.

In interviews, many moms rejected the idea that by keeping our sons close, we’d raise wimpy, dependent – even effeminate – “mama’s boys.”

In interviews, many moms rejected the idea that by keeping our sons close, we’d raise wimpy, dependent – even effeminate – “mama’s boys.” As a feminist, I thought that was homophobic nonsense. I believed I had a lot to teach my son – and not just about making a perfect omelet. From a strong work ethic to empathy towards others, I wanted to model the same values to Paul as I did to his older sister, Jeanie.

Yet something nagged at me. Common wisdom held that when your son hit adolescence, it was time to start letting him go, for his own mental well being. Obviously, I didn’t want to stand in the way of my kids’ healthy evolution towards independence. But there seemed to be an expectation that I was supposed to detach emotionally from Paul in a way that I wasn’t with Jeanie. Again, this seemed dated and sexist. I just didn’t buy that our bond would prevent my son from becoming a well-adjusted man.

Read More: Hey, Over-Invested Moms! Your Adult Child’s Romance Is Not Your Business

A Son Is a Son: Warnings and Stereotypes of a Strong Mother Son Bond

But another warning was tougher to dismiss. Ultimately, you will lose your son to another. Separating from him will preemptively protect your heart. Many moms I interviewed sing-songed this rhyme:

Would Paul trade a mother for a wife, only having enough room for one woman in his heart?

 A son is a son ‘til he takes a wife.

A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.

I’d tried to write off the verse as another outmoded stereotype: The overbearing mother-in-law, competing for attention and affection with “the other woman.” Paul trading a mother for wife, only enough room for one woman in his heart. Meanwhile, Jeanie and I would be tight forever. Ridiculous. And yet…

Now Paul is getting married, and my theories are being put to the test.

First things first. I love his fiancé, Afroz. She’s moral, smart, and funny and has a great dynamic with Paul. They’ve dated for years. I’ve watched their relationship mature and had time to really get to know Afroz. We also share much in common, including a deep fear of flying and an abiding love for Jane Austen, The Golden Girls, and, of course, Paul.

Overstepping Boundaries?

The Mother Son Bond: Does It End When He Gets Married? | NextTribe

The Happy Trio: Kate, Paul and Afroz.

As they fell in love, I had to adjust. Paul, who lives in another city, would call when he was sick.

“Sounds like you should rest and take some Tylenol,” I’d advise.

“Yeah, that’s what Afroz told me. She made me ginger tea with lemon and honey.”

I was happy he was cared for, but I felt a twinge that I wasn’t his first consult. Then there was the cooking.

“Mom, Afroz made these amazing potato, cauliflower, and onion patties. It’s her mom’s recipe.”

This felt like encroachment. But, hey, I really wanted the recipe.

When they called to tell us they were engaged, my husband and I were thrilled. But I overstepped—right out of the box, joyfully babbling to Afroz, “You’re going to be the mother of my grandchildren!” This was met with radio silence, followed by a polite, “Um. Someday. That’s the hope.”

Read More: Did Your Child Just Get Engaged? A Cheat-Sheet on the New Wedding Etiquette

Could We Share Him?

My future-daughter-in law is a lawyer. In college, she majored in politics and gender studies. I’d never asked about her feelings on my close relationship to Paul. Now that wedding plans are well underway, it seemed time.

I asked if she’d ever heard the maxim that if you want to know how a man will be as a husband, watch how he treats his mother.

Her answer surprised me: “When we started dating, I thought, ‘he’s really close to his family and his mom. This is so great.’” Encouraged, I asked if she’d ever heard the maxim that if you want to know how a man will be as a husband, watch how he treats his mother.  She hadn’t. She thought it made sense, but that it was somewhat limited.

“Of course, there’s something to be said about respecting the women in your life,” Afroz told me. “But it extends beyond being a good spouse. He was raised to be an incredibly good person to all the people he’s close to.”

Pretty nice words for any parent to hear.

Paul, of course, has his faults.  Afroz and I exchange eye rolls when he gets that dog-worrying-a-bone way of endlessly making his point, or, worse, breaks into his victory dance. (Paul’s not a bad loser, but he is a truly obnoxious winner.)

I believe Paul will be as good a husband as he is a son.

But you know what? I believe Paul will be as good a husband as he is a son. It’s brought me joy—not resentment—to see Paul and Afroz’s love for each other. After all, love is not a zero-sum game.  There’s plenty to go around. Besides, I just remembered another proverb:

You’re not losing a son. You’re gaining a daughter.

***

Kate Stone Lombardi has been a journalist for more than 25 years. She work has appeared in the The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Time, Ladies Home Journal, Parenting Magazine and other national publications. Lombardi is the author of The Mama’s Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger.

A version of this article was originally published in May 2017.

Recent Articles

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. My son and I were always close and we also maintained our independence, realizing that we were not responsible for each other’s mistakes nor could we take credit for each other’s triumphs. When people complimented my son as he grew up, I would never say “Thanks” as if it were my skill or accomplishment that merited the comment: I would say, “I’ll tell him you said so!” Then he married a woman who is a bossy know-it-all who talks incessantly. I don’t dislike her, exactly, but she irritates me, and my mother can hardly stand to be around her. Her mother was only 15 when she gave birth to my daughter-in-law, so they’re in league as if they were siblings, whereas I’m definitely the parent, and she keeps me at a distance. Since he started dating my daughter-in-law in college, I noticed the way they spoke to each other as if mimicking a sit-com, parrying smart-aleck remarks rather than conversing calmly. I talked to them about it and they said, back then, that I wasn’t the only one who had noticed the constant sarcasm and barbs, and that they were working on it. They waited until they were 29 to marry, and the sarcasm habit only got worse. Now they’re the parents of my granddaughter, an adorable two-year old, and they seem to have matured somewhat, but still, I can’t stand to be around them both together for very long. And my son won’t visit me without his wife in tow, so I have no idea whether he and I still have the same relationship or not. For several years I’ve felt sad about the distancing effect the marriage seems to have had, but recently I’ve decided to accept it. He chose her, and he seems happy, so I guess that’s what matters. My job is done, and now I will enjoy seeing my granddaughter whenever possible and hope that in time, my son and I will recover some of the easy closeness that we had for the 18 years he lived in my care!

    • Thanks for sharing this Anne. I have sons myself and con only imagine how hard this has been for you. But kudos to you for working through it. I hope you do find the closeness again.

  2. I’m interested for a follow up. I have 2 children from a previous marriage. My husband and I have a child together, the first GC for his parents. My parents feel like their responsibility to their grandchildren is to support their parents. My husband’s parents feel like our responsibility is to do what pleases them. This causes many problems. My husband is 16 months older than his only sibling, his brother. His mother, in a fit of anger, has told me that he will always put her first. She goes to his work to cry about me and tells him not to tell me. I asked her if she would like her MIL to do that? Is keeping secrets good for marital strength? I got the silent treatment. I’m curious to know, two years later, how is it going?

    • That’s a good idea: Have the writer do a follow up on how it’s going now that some time has passed. Thanks Rolanda. Good luck with your MIL. Sounds very difficult.

  3. No, you’re pretty much losing your son. I’d like to know how this story turned out after Paul got married.

  7. My son’s wife hates me. I haven’t seen or heard from them since his father died. I haven’t seen my grandson for two years.
    I just wish I knew why…

  8. My oldest son just got married last September (the day before my 50th birthday to be exact). I love his wife, she’s awesome! I still have my bond with my son, Andrew, but I know his wife comes first. She is always prompting him to “call your mom” “did you text your mom?” We’ll see what happens when my baby boy (he just turned 16) gets engaged…

  10. My youngest son is engaged. I wrote his fiancée a long letter welcoming her to the family and letting her know that now she should and would come first in my son’s life. I promised that I would try only to give advice when asked. And I told her that they were both intelligent and competent people who could raise their children. I’m always there to help but he needs to make HER his focus. And I’ll get a daughter-in-law who won’t mind visiting me. Win/win!

  12. My son is not married yet–but I watched my mom honor the new wife as the primary focus and my mom has treated each daughter in law or partner as one of her own. She never judged, never intruded. One of my sisters in law said she feels so lucky when she hears other women complaining about their mothers in law–she loves hers. And this sister in law has never resented any time my brother gives to helping my mom.

    Wish it could be so for every one

      • Mine did that also. Daughter in law even got him to connect with my ex, son’s bio dad that was abusive to both of us. There has been no contact with the ex in over 18 years either. My son never got a bday card, phone calls nothing for 18 years and at the wedding the ex and his wife and their kids were were actually in the wedding party and introduced formally! We never see or hear from them and it’s been over 2 years. They had a baby boy that we have never seen but they sent birth announcements so they could get a gift. They live 14 miles away. My husband is the only dad my son ever had. We tried but we are always shut out.

    • Yes, that’s my hope. That I’ll gain 2 daughters that I never had!

Love our content?

We are the Voice of Smart, Bold Women 45 and over! Our mantra is Age Boldly! No where else will you find authentic, original content like this. So give a little or give a lot. We want to continue publishing stories about love later in life, adult children never leaving home, wearing a bikini after 50 and trips of a lifetime! Thank you in advance for supporting NextTribe.

SUPPORT US