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suicide in middle-aged women

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Suicide in Middle-Aged Women: Could COVID Make a Bad Problem Worse?

The largest increase in completed suicides is among women 45 and older, and experts worry the pandemic will drive the numbers higher. Sheila Weller reports the facts and causes—and how to save lives

Editor’s Note: We published this story on suicide in middle-aged women two years ago, after a succession of shocking deaths. We are re-running it now because some health professionals are concerned that COVID-19, with all its related hardships, may impact the suicide rate, which is already increasing at an alarming rate, particularly for women in the 45-64 age group. 

There was almost no tragedy in recent memory that spiked as much self-examination and pain as the news on June 5, 2018, that Kate Spade, 55, the wealthy, plucky designer of witty handbags and the mother of a 13-year-old daughter, had hung herself, and the subsequent revelation that she had suffered from depression and bipolar disorder for a long time. A few month earlier we had lost 69-year-old Margot Kidder, whose death was later ruled a suicide. And before that, successful film producer Jill Messick, 50, a wife and mother of two, killed herself out of the pain of  being unfairly maligned in the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Messick, too, had had a long history of depression—that she valiantly combated—but she seemed, on the surface, to have everything to live for. Yet she took her own her own life (the method has not been revealed).

These stories of women “our” age—45 to 65-plus—who seemed to have everything but took their own lives are as startling as they are, also, on some secret level, comprehensible. In our still patriarchal and youth-oriented culture, it comes as sadness but not surprise that the Centers for Disease Control reports that the largest increase in the number of completed suicides in America is among women aged 45 to 64: a deeply worrisome 45 percent jump in suicides over last 20 years.

Though men, in general, commit more suicides, those in the same age group have shown far less of an increase: 30 percent. Clinical studies have also shown, over recent years, a troubling nearly 50 percent rise in ER visits for drug-related suicide attempts (usually opioid) by middle-aged women.

The Big Jump in Deaths in Our Age Group

Suicide in Middle-Aged Women: Kate Spade Is Just the Tip of the Iceberg | NextTribe

Image: Kristina Tripkovic/Unsplash

The reasons for suicide among middle-aged women are various. Deborah Serani, a New York-based psychologist affiliated with Adelphi University, has spent years helping “dozens and dozens” of women battle suicidal ideation—to the point of calling the police when her patients have indicated they were ready to take their own lives and, in one case, having a patient’s stomach pumped. She has colleagues who have lost patients to suicide. She knew that female depression and suicide intervention would be her life’s work when she was a depressed 19-year-old who came very close to killing herself with her father’s gun; she backed off just in time. A great deal of suicide, especially among the young, is “impulsive”: emotional and tragically impetuous.

Those of us now in our 50s and 60s were the first women who came to young adulthood believing we could ‘have it all.’

“There’s a wide spectrum of reasons that worsening depression and suicide hits middle aged women so hard,” Dr. Serani says. At least 60 percent of suicide victims have major depression. “First of all, those of us now in our 50s and 60s were the first women who came to young adulthood believing we could ‘have it all.’ When you find out it wasn’t quite that neat—your life can’t be that perfect, you’ve ‘fallen short’— that can lead to depression. ‘I’m not happy. I was told a story that didn’t work out for me. I failed.’ Midlife women are also the sandwich generation, having to care for kids (or feeling the loss of purpose when their kids leave them for independent lives) and for aging parents. There’s stress and vulnerability—and the candle can be burning at all ends for them. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.”

Read More: Why Did Evolution Give Us Menopause? The Answer Could Make You Feel Better

What’s Going On

But there are strong hints. For example, there is a correlation between the estrogen-progesterone changes that come with menopause and increased depression. A 2008 study in Menopause: The Journal of the North American Menopause Society found that “late menopausal transition” was significantly related to depressed mood. Another study found that menopausal women are three times more likely to develop depression than premenopausal women. Going even further, a study of menopausal suicide attempters (as opposed to mere depression sufferers) in Iran in 2012 concluded that “the relationship between the female suicidal attempt and the feminine hormones is [emphasis added] a reality and cannot be renunciated.”

Menopausal women are three times more likely to develop depression than premenopausal women.

A writer named Kathie, a woman in her 50s, recently lost a friend she knew from childhood in such a sudden, awful way that “it was like the ground fell out from under me.” Her friend’s idyllic life—“she had everything; she was happy”—turned to depression severe enough for her to, like Spade and Scott, hang herself with a scarf precisely when she went through the roughest moments of menopause.

Kathie’s friend had had severe postpartum depression (a sign that she was prone to depression) when her child was born 19 years earlier, but it was treated and completely subsided. Yet when she hit menopause, says Kathie, “suddenly, despite amazing professional successes, a fantastic child, a happy marriage, she plunged, almost overnight, into depression again, something she kept secret from most of her friends.

Her husband and best friend were doing everything they could, making appointments with specialists, and those specialists identified her condition as menopausal depression. But it all happened so quickly! When I got the call that she had killed herself, I couldn’t believe it. This was a beautiful woman who always smiled; people loved her—but menopause hit her like a ton of bricks. What happened to my friend makes me want to shout: ‘We have to de-stigmatize menopause!’ Women don’t want to admit we’re going through it because, these days, we have to work with 30 year olds. But we can’t afford to be silent about menopause anymore; my friend’s suicide is proof.”

Maura, a 55-year-old sufferer of severe depression who has had suicidal ideations, agrees, from first-hand experience. She writes: “I have had PTSD from a violent rape at 27 with attendant depression and anxiety for at least 27 years. However, the last 11 years, after a severe back injury, and the past five to six years, have been the most difficult with suicidal ideation. Definitely perimenopause and menopause contributed—my psychiatrist said that both of them raised my anxiety levels and made it more difficult for me to manage triggers.” The other factor, for Maura, was “becoming ‘the invisible woman’ in my 50s.” But, she adds,  “I have the best mental health care providers. I have really good friends. I know depression; it’s ruthless. But I know how to get through.”

It’s Hard Out There

Menopause aside, at the risk of defying politically correct anti-ageism and Age Boldly positivity, growing older can feel damn hard for women in this culture. Feature film director and Columbia University professor of graduate film studies Katherine Dieckmann, 56, has thought long and hard about why so many of her female friends are depressed at this age. “We think, I can’t use my ‘woman tricks’ anymore because I’m invisible to the world.” There’s Maura’s term, repeated! “And to be invisible means to be discounted.

‘We have to de-stigmatize menopause! My friend’s suicide is proof.’

At 50 or so you have to re-interpret your whole being, and that is exhausting. ‘If a man smiles at me on the street, does that mean he thinks I’m an old lady?’ I’m not depressed now: making a movie, <span”>Strange Weather, in which a midlife woman, Holly Hunter, wears jeans, has adventures, and is sexual helped correct that. We have to fight to be honest about who we still are and not give in to thinking ‘Oh, I’m considered pathetic and trying-too-hard now unless I dress in sensible shoes, a cardigan, and a quilted purse.’ Screw that!”  Note: Next Tribe, of course, shares this mission

But there’s also career-dwindle depression. A friend of mine—I’ll call her Joanna—is extremely depressed. She successfully battled cancer (and with humor!), but that was easier. People understood the physical illness she was up against and supported her heroism. The severe depression she is dealing with now, seeing career options fritter away in a field she’d once mastered but that has been overhauled by for-the-young digitalization, makes her feel like “Holy shit! It was all for nothing! I’m supposed to be ‘comfortable’ now, reaping the ‘rewards,’ not struggling like this!”

Dr. Dean Parker, a clinical psychologist in Dix Hills, New York, who has treated hundreds of patients of both genders in his long career, says that, no matter how much he tries to work up positivity in some of his midlife women patients—especially those who have just ended relationships—it can be an uphill climb. What sticks in his mind are the “beyond disheartening” results of a 2014 study sponsored by A. Vogel, an herbal supplement company that produces menopause remedies. Of the 2,000 women over age 45 surveyed about their feelings on aging, more than half felt they’d been “left on the shelf” and have been “judged negatively because of their age.”

That’s pretty grim, and it certainly beats the drum for serious attention—but it’s not unsurmountable. A prescient and very thorough 2011 blog post that Dr. Serani wrote addresses female midlife depression and suicide: how to see signs of depression in yourself and the possibility of suicide in your friends and how to ameliorate and treat both.

Read More: The Extra Heartbreak of Acrimony and Divorce During the Pandemic

Inside the Mind

suicide in middle-aged women
Image: Aaron Mello/Unsplash

In the immediate aftermath of Kate Spade’s (and Anthony Bourdain’s) shocking suicides, I asked midlife women whose depression might have veered into suicide ideation to send me descriptions of their lives, and here is what some of them said. A well-published and eloquent writer in her 60s: “My first depressions came in my 20s and 30s.” Loss of lovers, memories of childhood sexual abuse by a relative led to “the constant thrum of anxiety in my bloodstream. My inner landscape [felt] devastated by a nuclear bomb. My body refused all pleasure, beginning with food and people. Suicide ideation somewhat. Hijacked sleep. I was beyond tears.” Seeing a therapist helped. A good relationship helped. Then, in her 40s, 20 years ago—menopause-time—“a work disappointment shifted me into what I recognized in my body and mind was the beginning of another depression. By then, there were antidepressants. I got myself to a psychopharmacologist and after a little tinkering, found Zoloft. The difference it made in my life continues to be profound. The net held.”

One of the most moving correspondences I have had has been with comedian, writer, and TV producer Bari Alyse Rudin, who is 48. When she was three years old, her beautiful 29-year-old mother, seemingly out of the blue, took her husband’s pistol, pointed it at her own head, and blew her brains out while Bari and her two little siblings were getting ready for preschool in the adjacent bedroom of the family’s Brooklyn house. Out of shame and terror, Bari and her family eventually told others she had died of cancer. Years later, Bari’s brother tried so hard to hang himself (but narrowly failed, being in a long coma for a long time after) that a permanent rope scar braced his neck. In 2015, he succeeded in killing himself, the same year their father died of natural causes.

We cannot not talk about feeling ‘invisible’ or career-gut-punched.

A family history of depression and suicide this intense is hard to beat. And Bari has tried to beat it, with everything in her. Bari was a straight A student and president of her high school class in leafy, affluent Connecticut, “and then I put together a great career in TV and comedy”—massively competitive fields requiring humor! Objectively, she says she did plenty right, but she never felt that “rightness.” She finds that to be universal with everyone who experiences severe depression.

Bari has battled suicidal ideation and severe depression—it comes, it goes, it comes it goes—all her life. Last year she was so depressed she couldn’t comb her long, luxuriant hair, so she hacked it all off.  She tells me that looking at the planets in the sky with her son, who wants to be an astrophysicist, helps and that she is absolutely determined “to make a clean slate for my children and give them a happy childhood.” She’s enormously grateful that, so far at least, she has succeeded. “Putting them and their needs first and knowing that they deserve a happy and healthy mom has helped me seek help every time I hit another low or see myself slipping. I want my children to have great lives.” When deep depression recurs, “I try to tell myself that the one thing going through it so many times has taught me is that every single time I have come out of it. I have to keep reminding myself of that!”

Bari is an active volunteer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and I heartily recommend going to this worthy group’s website.

She is heroic, as are all the midlife women battling depression linked, remotely or less so, to suicide ideation. We cannot not <span”>talk about these subjects: menopause; feeling “invisible” or career-gut-punched; feeling that your psychological pain seems less sympathy-worthy to friends than, say, cancer; feeling that you are living on the dark planet of grief that money and success cannot touch.

Here, of course, is the all-important number: If you need emotional support or are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Let’s hope we don’t hear of any more Kate Spades for a very long time.  But let’s be grateful to her family that her tragedy has prompted this essential conversation.

Sidebar: “Get Help.” Not as Easy as It Seems

Suicide in Middle-Aged Women: Kate Spade Is Just the Tip of the Iceberg | NextTribe

In the aftermath of the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, many news outlets and social media posts implored those with suicidal thoughts to “get help.” For Aviva Rosenthal, 49, of Sacramento, California, that seems like facile advice. She has had thoughts of suicide (but assures me now that she’s fine). Her story is heartbreaking and full of challenges. She has Asperger’s and multiple sclerosis and is wheelchair bound. Her son has been recently diagnosed with Asperger’s, as well. In her youth, she had two friends who hanged themselves.

The impossibly high price of psychiatry in today’s economy is where she places much blame.

“‘Get help?’ hmm. This really isn’t as easy as it seems,” she says. “In my desperation to stay alive, I’ve always been forthcoming about my issues but unable to afford most therapy. I don’t respond well to medication—all antidepressants cause severe migraines, and anti-anxiety meds, ironically, bring on acute depression—so talk [therapy] is it for me.” The impossibly high price of psychiatry in today’s economy is where she places much blame. She says that in order to get subsidized therapy for her son and herself, she banged on every door, filled out every form possible.

Here, in her words, is how she sees the issue:

“At best would receive a few months of sub-par therapy that would then disappear. This is why I smile bitterly when yet another person commits suicide, and everyone says, ‘Why didn’t they get help?’ My God—do you really think we didn’t try?

I’ve given [my son] every one of my coping skills. Go outside. Draw and write every day. Talk about it. Give yourself goals and pleasures to look forward to. I’ve learned five languages, simply because I’m depressed and it’s a good distraction. And above all [emphasis added and black-humor alert:] recall that you can always kill yourself tomorrow [not today].”

When I learned of Anthony Bourdain’s death, the pain of loss was quickly replaced by anger. He was a fighter, someone who’d always been open about his demons. If he could give up, what was there to stop me? And what were the rest of us schlubs going to do without this fighter in our world?

Yes, the system is fucked up beyond repair. But you can still take care of yourself, practice kindness to others, especially those you know are vulnerable, even if they’re doing a great job of pretending otherwise. There have been days when a chance smile from a stranger was all that kept me from slipping into despair. Talk and write about it, a lot, even if it’s unpleasant and makes people sick of you. More than ever, we need to know we’re not alone.”

–Sheila Weller

Further Reading

Hope for the Hormonal

Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide

It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand

A version of this article was originally published in June 2018.

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Comments

  1. Maxine says

    Just turned 35 and feel ready to put an end to my life. What’s the point when as a female you’re always dealt the sh*ty end of the stick? I don’t want to go through the pain of being an aging menopausal woman in this culture. I’ve always hated being a girl. Ever since I noticed that my brother got a lot more freedom than I did and the only difference was that he had a penis and I didn’t. I curse god and the universe for making me a woman. I hate it with every ounce of strength in my body. The worst is there’s not a damn thing I can do about it except kill myself. I definitely need to make some plans so I don’t suffer come 40. I can’t handle the thought, much less the reality. I hate being born a woman. I hate it so much I wish my mother had had the sense to have aborted me to save me the agony. One day in the not too distant future I’ll take matters into my own hands. I hope I can go through with it instead of suffer the steep decline that comes with being an aging woman in this society.

    Reply

    • Jeannie Ralston says

      Oh Maxine!! I hate to see this note from you. Please call someone…a friend, a suicide hotline. It breaks my heart to hear such despair. NextTribe exists to show women that being a woman at this age is full of possibilities and challenges and excitement. We are doing our best to show the world this too. Please seek help. By the time you get to 45, I think/hope life for “older” women will be even better.

      Reply

    • Trescha says

      I wish I could help you but all I can say is that I feel your words. Being female is a curse. I’m about to turn 50 and have nothing to look forward to except more loss and anxiety. However, one if the 3,472 tabs open in my brain has come into focus over the past year…fuckit. I don’t have to stay female. We don’t. I’m starting to wrestle with how allow the real me to show up.

      Reply

  2. LeeAnn says

    I always wondered how successful, well loved people can commit suicide, (I am neither) but as someone with constant anxiety. I do empathize. My situation is far different, being over 60, unemployed and finding it impossible to even get an interview for the most menial of jobs…no spouse or children to lean on for support, (menopause made my childlessness unbearable at times) aging parents that I alone, despite having several able bodied siblings, have to help on a daily basis. The thought of the future is paralyzing me. My so called friends are more interested in ‘Facebooking’ than actual interaction, which leaves me lonely with virtually no one to talk to. I don’t use Facebook..depressing.. Oh well. Still haven’t thought much about suicide, however, and hope I never have to. Don’t know what will come in the future, and maybe it is better not to know. Just hope mine isn’t going to be living under a freeway underpass…Thanks for the vent-

    Reply

    • Tres says

      You got this & you’re not alone. Many of us women feel exactly as you do. You can only take one day at a time & hope that something will eventually go your way.

      Reply

  3. Anon says

    If there was a tranquil method of offing myself I’d do it. I have suffered all my life with hormonal issues and it has affected everything. At present I have morning sickness and severe depression from the menopause and cannot see it getting better. I am 45.

    Reply

    • Jeannie Ralston says

      Oh no!! Do you have someone to talk to? Do your friends and family know about this? What can we do? Our heart goes out to you.

      Reply

      • Kim Burton says

        I want to end it all because I’m so tired of the bad days . God I know is with me so maybe that’s what he thinks I should do. I thank God for everything and bring giving me the feeling of normalcy but they come back and I try to fight them but it is so hard to wake up and not feel like use to before this came about

        Reply

        • Jeannie Ralston says

          Kim: Is there someone you can call to talk? I’d like to be able to help you. I’m so sorry for your despair, but I don’t think God would want you to end it all. I think He wants us to make the most of the life He gave us. Please email me at jeannie@NextTribe.com.

          Reply

    • Tres says

      I like that idea. Forcing yourself to get outside every single day, if only even for a half hour helps. Sometimes things will spiral & you’ll get way more done then you initially thought you would. It’s a sense of well being to do things for yourself & others.

      Reply

  5. Anai Barangan says

    It’s too easy to want to commit suicide in the United States. Even people who seem they have it all going for them. No economical problems, fame included, access to the best doctors, nothing improves their lives and mental wellbeing. Just demonstrating again that money does not buy happiness or real love, but that’s what people give too much importance to over anything and anyone else in the world. Can’t be illuminated with that priority in life and love. Feeling not really loved, no matter how hard have tried to be the best that could be. Only solution, love yourself. Self love isn’t selfishness, and confused to be. Self love doesn’t allow anyone else around that isn’t the same. That’s obviously what’s being enforced, because can be hateful towards others otherwise. It’s why I understand why people who I like very much, don’t feel the same towards me, and that’s why kept away from me. Best not be anywhere near me. God sees the truth about anyone’s mind. Really love me, or leave me alone. So who are my lovers on the other side of things here, because if so, we should end up meeting face to face in the future of this. One is enough you know.

    Reply

  7. Pamela Jacques-Cobb says

    Women age 50+ are treated like they have no value in the US. We are the brunt of jokes, talked about like we have no clue what’s going on (especially when it comes to technology), made fun of and totally ignored. We are a disposable group, laid off in large numbers from successful careers and dumped by husbands for younger women. We commit suicide because we have no hope in a world that offers us few chances- yet we still feel Iike we’re young, hungering to be valued and wondering what happened.

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      We hope you’ll find inspiration and new energy in NextTribe. Our mission is to make women like you feel heard, understood and relevant!! Thanks.

      Reply

    • Lori Bean says

      Ten percent of women who experience hot flashes will contemplate suicide. The drop in estrogen at ovarian failure (menopause) triggers a cascade of events in the brain that result in devastating and debilitating psychiatric symptoms. It’s the same mechanisms as post partum depression. We MUST have the physiology conversation! Before one more woman dies! I had menopause psychosis and nearly died. 48 hours on an estrogen patch and I had my life back. I’m a hospital chaplain and I see so many women who needed HRT and did not get it. Suffering. We are the only species to outlive our reproductive years for sometimes decades. HRT is safe & effective. IT IS MENOPAUSE FOR MANY IF US

      Reply

  10. Wendellyn Balancier says

    Sarah Black Uhlar you have much to live for. Speaking to others about your child and helping others is what you are here for. I worked with you and never knew what you were going through. I love you. You are one of strongest women I know.

    Reply

  12. Sarah Black Uhlar says

    I’m in my 40s and menopausal – I’m tired, have 10-15 pounds that won’t go away (more often than not, I exercise twice a day, pretty much vegan) and after losing my only child 3 years ago and divorcing and working so much for not so much in return- I’m so frustrated. This is it?

    Reply

  15. Rachelle Whitley says

    I experience suicidal ideation almost every day. What keeps me here is my dog and also was my father, but he died this week. When my 12 yr old dog passes, I’m not sure what I’ll do. I’m 51, alone, have no social life and work for a despicable, verbally abusive man who’s running his company into the ground. I have medical problems and chronic pain…and resulting weight gain… from a motorcycle accident 13 years ago, and antidepressants merely keep my irritability and anxiety at a more manageable level. I used to have a life, volunteered a lot, was an officer in mc riding groups, and enjoyed being in nature. Now i work and go home and that’s pretty much it. It might be “wrong-thinking” but wtf do i have to live for anymore, besides my dog?

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      We hate hearing this from you. Heart breaking. Are there people you can meet through your dog. Pets can be a good way to make connections. So sorry about your dad. We’re going to try to message you off line.

      Reply

    • Jeannie Ralston says

      Rachelle, please look for a friend request and message from me. I lost my father last October and I know how hard that is. Please stay strong and don’t do anything rash; keep in mind how fresh grief like this can be weighing you down and that you will work your way through that.

      Reply

    • Michele Maher Burbank says

      I used to ride a motorcycle too but sold it a few years ago. I’m more of an introvert now that I’m 58, lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago and miss her so much. My husband is 73 and has health issues so get depressed too. Know there are people here that will listen if you need a friend ? Peace?

      Reply

    • Anonymous says

      Rachelle I can imagine the pain you must be on, I have lost my both parents and today I still feel like I am an orphan. I am so sorry for the loss of your father.
      I too have asked myself what is there left many times, I too have cronic pain everyday. You are alone with your dog I am blessed with a good husband for37 years 4 children, and 5 grandchildren. Yet I feel very lonely, partially because the older ones have a busy life, partly because my husband and 2 of the kids are too introverted that I don’t even know how to have a conversation with, and partly because we moved here and I made some friends but they were not worth it to keep so I will say I have no friends, I do not work which I think it probably would be great for me but due to pain I dont even know where to get a job. I would say I have a perfect family and all the children did really well in life, yet I find myself many times thinking like you. Why? I do not know, I think I need talking with family and friends since I used to be an extrovert but with time at the moment I became muted.
      Anyway if you want a friend send me a request maybe we can have good talks and get lift up, life can be tricky if we let it get to us ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

      Reply

    • Winifred Ryan says

      Get a second dog now. Really! First of all, if they get along they will make each other and you happy. (My most recent elder collie lived to 14). Second, when your current dog goes to the rainbow bridge, younger dog will be there to come home to. I’m 62 and like to have 3 about 3 years apart to enjoy canine youth, maturity, and elderly behavior. All are wonderful.

      Reply

    • Rachelle Whitley says

      Winifred Ryan I already have a 5 year old Rottweiler that I’ve raised from 8 weeks old. He goes to work with me every day along with Harley. But his babysitter is his favorite person in the world and he loves spending time with him.

      Reply

  20. Julie High says

    It’s enlightening the relationship between menopausal women and depression. Hormonal fluctuations are evident. Should attention also be drawn toward younger females entering puberty and incidents of depression for that age group. This article opens a new dialogue on the rise of anti-depressants being prescribed and the subsequent ineffectiveness in treating depression. While that mode of treatment can be successful for some, the increase in suicide for ‘middle-aged women’ suffering from depression suggests otherwise.

    Reply

  26. Facebook Comment says

    To all you women feeling invisible…. do something about it. Get up, dust yourself off! Smile & go try something new. Start investing time in yourself. Husbands can leave.. children will grow up & leave. You’ve given them all of yourself!! DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT MAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF!! Try a new hobby or skill. Reach out to someone to start a new friendship. All woman go through this so be an encouragement, an inspirational, to someone else while helping yourself through the pain of feeling invisible, forgotten, & unimportant ❤️❤️

    Reply

  27. Helena Zahara says

    It’s most difficult to become invisible. I remember stoping in my tracks when young men wiuld avoid eye contact. Doctors because they are mistly are mostly male give you bad treatment.

    Also they give more pain relief to men. I had 7 suicides around me. 5 were female. All had pain issues abd taken off meds. I remember when ut used to be illegal not to treat pain.

    But we are in Afghanistan guarding Poppy Fields in exchange for Luthium.

    Reply

  30. Geri Riley says

    People are killing themselves because life is way too stressful and expensive, just for your basic housing and food. Too much pressure to fit into a ridiculous ideal or else be shunned, and not everyone is born or raised and equipped to handle it.

    Reply

    • SusanB says

      Yes, you hit the nail on the head. The pressure to be upwardly mobile, have a perfect body, an ageless face, a beautifully decorated and perfect home, a “successful” career, the perfect partner, or well adjusted high achieving children. The list goes on and on and the world is filled with people who love to be on top, who enjoy looking down on you if you haven’t met their standards. It never ends. And if you have a chronic physical problem or medical condition and can’t keep up with the ideals and/or exploits of your peers you may indeed be shunned.

      Thankfully there are some kind, decent, non-competitive, non-materialistic, non-judgmental people but they seem to be few and far between. And when other women “friends” are the cutthroat competitors ready to put you down with a condescending look or snide comment or other relational aggression (e.g. social exclusion), it can be very depressing.

      Too many frenemies out there and not enough actual friends is a real problem for many women, in my opinion.

      Reply

  31. Carolyn Sue says

    This is a very good article. I am 52 and went thru menopause early, at 45. Besides weight gain that seems impossible to lose, I had it easy. I am happier now then ever, and feel getting older has freed me from the obsession with my looks. I still want to look good, but realize my glory days are behind me. That’s okay, I would rather be alive than young.

    Reply

  33. Lindsay Brice says

    It’s not necessarily hormones or feeling invisible, feeling one can no longer use feminine wiles. Not everyone used feminine wiles.
    It’s not necessarily the disease of depression.
    Sometimes cumulative blows become too much to fight back from again. Sometimes, it seems no matter how strong one has been to overcome one adversity after another, one says, “No more.”

    Reply

    • Bonnie Andreasen says

      Yes! After several years of terrible blows, I stopped feeling proud of my ability to “fall 7 times, get up 8” and became afraid that the next blow would finally be my TKO and I wouldn’t get up from that one.

      Reply

    • Lori Bean says

      It very well can be hormones. I swear put any middle aged woman on estrogen for 48 hours and she will know. It’s somethimg you can’t explain and sadly women do not want to hear it.

      Reply

    • April NY says

      Yes, for me, it is the accumulation of a lifetime of small and large disappointments that is catching up with me right now. There hasn’t been a lot of good stuff in my life in a very long time…at least 13 years. How do you keep picking yourself up when the reserves have been completely drained by what has come before and all that is occurring right now. I have no idea. My perimenopause symptoms consist of months of PMS symptoms that don’t end. As far back as I can remember, I frequently had suicidal thoughts while I was experiencing pms. I did suffer major depression and anxiety about 20 years ago and medication made the anxiety worse. Now, I am recently out of work. Since I am 53, I am concerned I won’t find work for a long time. Because of this, I am hesitant to reach for medical help for fear of draining my already small savings. I have tried gratitude, sometimes it helps, right now, it isn’t. As I began to feel this downward spiral begin, I said a prayer and asked for help. The next day, I came across a testimonial for a device made by F_____ W_____. It costs close to $400. This is not a plug, and I don’t have any interest in this company. It is used for depression/anxiety and insomnia. It might be helpful for those who don’t want to take or can’t find relief from meds. I wish all here well.

      p.s. I became invisible around age 45. I am used to it now though.

      Reply

  36. Cheryl Ann Dwyer says

    I so understand. Standing in a shower, silently screaming. Devastating cruelty & betrayal by the ones you love the most. Finally uncurling toes in the first streams of daylight, relishing the fact you’re still here.

    Reply

  38. Kim Jacobson Glassen says

    In July of 2015, I became one of the stats associated with this article in the form of a failed suicide. I have recognized that I have felt some form of depression since I was a young girl. I have feelings of not-enough; experiencing such dramatic trauma in my life that would “justify” my depression. I’ve never been raped, molested, had a gun held to my head, nor do I have any “legitimate” health issues that would quantify my being depressed. I have experienced feelings of anger over the fact that anyone decided it was their place to step in and “save” me. And we don’t.talk.about. it. Ever. One such person in my life, who I love unconditionally, would say that I only express my grievances in words because I am looking for a pity party….nothing could be further from the truth. And I don’t know what to do about any of it. I talk to a therapist….that has its place …. sometimes. I have taken every antidepressant known to man and find they don’t do much other than cause unacceptable side effects or make me a zombie, but I am probably looking for magic fairy dust. At this point, I really am just sitting on my couch hoping I die an early and “painless” death. I see no way to feel right in this life. This is the first time I have “put this out there” in any kind of public forum and it feels somewhat horrifying.

    Reply

  39. Brenda Dee Crawford says

    The word ‘invisible’ is used in this article to describe middle aged women…spot on. It’s a running joke in my family that I’m invisible. I will be turning 60 in 6 months, and that is exactly how I feel at times. We we were recently out to lunch, the waitress went around the table taking everyone’s order, then walked away without taking mine! I had to get up and find her to give her my order…when I got back to the table everyone laughed about me being invisible.

    Reply

    • Maria Brudish-Emami says

      Yes, I know what invisible is all about. Us women get whacked in so many ways. Even when we are visible mean women make it a point to diminish our light.
      My wise mom said “always always always wear lipstick. “
      She made a very very good point.

      Reply

    • NextTribe says

      Ouch. It’s good that you can laugh about it, but let’s try to make it so this kind of thing stops happening. Claim your power and your place!

      Reply

    • Maria Brudish-Emami says

      NextTribe No laughs here. My mother was a warrior for ancestral power and place. That was just her symbolic way of showing her creativity
      and levity. She lived the claim of power and the place and so do I. I’ve lived a very very full and involved life… no complacency on my part. I’ve come up against some powerful he- and she-devils.

      Reply

    • Maria Brudish-Emami says

      Where there are vacuuums of energy we get to decide what we want to fill it up with. Staying in gratitude for the female energy which has molded our many great achievements is key. We have raised, powered, guided, supported, nourished the world. And to that we owe ourselves a great gratitude and claim of great achievement.

      Reply

  40. Lori Bean says

    Three words: HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY.

    We need to treat menopausal depression with hormones again! We don’t treat diabetes symptoms with anything other than insulin! Giving women antidepressents, sleeping pills, and antipsychotics is CRUEL AND ARCHAIC. HRT is safe and effective AND THE BENEFITS OUTWEIGH RISKS!!

    Reply

    • Peg Cook says

      My sister was on HRT for 20+ years after an early hysterectomy and now has breast cancer. HRT may be beneficial but it’s not 100% “safe”.

      Reply

    • Lori Bean says

      Early hysterectomy requires estrogen replacement. If she didn’t take it for 20 years she might have suffered even more. Many many women get breast cancer who do not take HRT. In fact estrogen therapy alone does not increase bc rates at all and actually can improve outcomes. Women on HRT live 30% longer than women who do not take it. Low dose (a fraction of a birth control) body identical HRT protects heart bones and brain when younger women take it starting in early menopause.

      Im very sorry about your sister and I hope she is ok. ??

      Reply

    • Peggy Hayner says

      Lori Bean I am going to see a doctor soon about the bio identical hormones that are “pellets” placed under the skin. Supposed to be safer as the dose is more consistent. Some friends have done it and feel fantastic!!

      Reply

  41. Jill Jorgensen says

    This is a great article. I had a failed suicide at 48. It took me a long time to not see it as another failure. I am glad I am alive. My first depression was caused by an abusive marriage and an auto immune disorder of my thyroid. Menopause was not an issue for me. I had my last period June of 2016 at 60. I actually feel better. Then my grandson was diagnosed with cancer and we have been in a 2 year battle for his life. This fall my positivity, my self care, my medication failed me. I was once again plunged into the lowest point of my depression where I did think of killings myself. However, I did not want to leave a mess so I wrote out all the things I needed to do before ending my life and the next day began on the first job. By noon I decide if I was going to do all this work I might as well work to make my life better. My great grandfather killer himself. It still echos in our family. I will not leave that legacy of despair for my kids and grandkids. I reached out. I am getting help and I refuse to let this win. I have always had a positive beliefs about age and aging even that didn’t protect me from stress and and worry over a sick grandchild. Reach out if you are feeling like suicide is an option. Go to the emergency room if necessary. Whatever it takes do it.

    Reply

  43. Jennifer Plate Johnson says

    Strange that most of the article’s subjects are praised for being beautiful or stunning, as if to be physically attractive is to be immune from mental illness, making it more inexplicable that they should have killed themselves than “regular”, or, heaven forefend, non-beautiful women. Such stereotypes do a disservice to all women. Depression doesn’t really correlate to a person’s beauty or wealth, and this just perpetuates the myth that it does.

    Reply

  45. Donna Cox Crosby says

    Read “the wisdom of Menopause”. I think Antidepressants are overprescribed. Fear communicates a message loud and clear. I think depression communicates a message also which is usually the need for change. That can be frightful especially for women. Get out and beat the bushes to find a like-minded tribe whoever yours my be. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Be blessed.

    Reply

  46. Grace Tollini says

    The article doesn’t talk about 2 things: the loneliness of women this age who are divorced or single and having a hard time finding a good quality partner (who chase the younger ones) and the negativity and horror of the Trump administration that is affecting all of us, but especially women, since he’s a sexual harasser and abuser.

    Reply

  51. Stacey Bougie says

    This article hit home for me. I too liked your page and signed up for newsletter.
    I was a stay at home mom. Now a stay at home Kinship Care Grandma in light of the opioid epidemic.Talk about roller coaster emotions…ugh. Menopause hit me like a ton of bricks falling with nowhere to land!
    Counseling and doing very much better now.Got to!
    Loving and enjoying life even in physical pain. I will be happy!
    I deserve it!
    My husband gives 110% plus also!

    This article has given me hope that awareness is around the corner. Don’t jump to labeling me bipolar. I got it taken off my medical diagnosis too. Touché

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      Thank you for liking our page and signing up for the newsletter. You’ve got a great attitude and I’m glad you have a solid partner in all this. Best to you!

      Reply

  53. Lou Meeth Worden says

    My husband passed three months ago. Life had always been a struggle with all his medical issues. Glad I had the fortitude to take out life insurance on both of us. Don’t know where I would be without it. Ageism sucks. Tried to find a new position at work and think I got continually passed over because I am nearly 59 and too close to retirement age. It sucks because we have so much experience.

    Reply

  55. Laura Padula says

    I am glad you mentioned menopause because I noticed a big difference in my state of mind . Like something had taken over my thoughts . Now that my hormones have leveled out I feel much better. I had the gun in my hand but thoughts of my family got me through it .

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      This is why we started NextTribe. We wanted a place where women could come together and acknowledge their pains and triumphs, feel relevant and put their voices together to say, “We are not going anywhere!”

      Reply

    • Deborah Burge Watson says

      It’s really a matter of perception- it is totally possible to be 63, still feel attractive, confident and happy, fulfilled, creative. I know because I am and I have lots of friends that are too. I am not making light of anyone’s depression but No one’s’ life is perfect at any age. Is depression a result of a constant state of negative thinking or an actual chemical imbalance- No one seems to know for sure.

      Reply

  57. Fawnda Buttolph says

    Where do stay at home moms fit into the equation? It seems the article is all about women who are out trying to make a name for themselves and suddenly start feeling “less” because of age. Stay at home moms have often been looked at as “less”, but maybe they are actually the smarter ones.

    Reply

    • Dede Lowe says

      It hard and isolating being a stay at home mom. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or even want to stay home. It’s just hard because there is so much to do and you are isolated. As you age and your children are grown then you feel another type of isolation and it’s called invisibility. People don’t see you as they once did when you were younger. Even if you keep yourself up and stay healthy you can just feel that you are not as relevant as you once were to the general public. Sad but true…

      Reply

    • Wendy Cook says

      NextTribe It is horrible for stay at home moms. When my husband left me in my 50’s, I found that I had to start over like I was an 18 year old just starting out. However, no one wants to hire an older person who has no experience. The courts saw no value in what I did for my family either. Every where I turned, I was made to feel like I was worthless. Many women are finding themselves in my position and feel suicide is their only option. We are not just invisible, we have been devalued. I can’t even imagine severe menopause symptoms on top of all of this.

      Reply

    • Laura Padula says

      We need to recognize we are okay just as we are and a kind word in the grocery store or complementing someone’s hairstyle . No strangers , just friends we have not met yet .

      Reply

    • Carol Capogreco Wells says

      Laura Padula Yes! When I see someone, man, woman, child, I so love to compliment. One beautiful older woman( she said she was 90!) was shocked when I said she looked so beautiful shopping in Wegmans. We ended up hugging in the produce section ??

      Reply

  59. Deirdre Recny says

    I don’t know, if I found this article very informative at all. I guess in many ways, I am an old soul. Since my earliest childhood, I have observed the woman in my life as well as strangers struggle with depression and suicide. My own mother made multiple attempts and thankfully never succeeded. I intervened in several of her attempts as a child. Unfortunately , a brother my god father) of hers succeeded …who I loved dearly !
    Have these struggles of aging and invisibility only been associated with the female sex? I think Not!!

    Reply

  60. Kitty Novak Burton says

    I think age 50-60 is harder; taking care of, then loosing parents, struggling to decide to retire or not.
    I am almost 65 now. My hair is gray and I like it gray. I don’t wear shorts or capris, or sleeveless tops, so I don’t shave legs or underarms any more( what a weird cultural habit that is anyway!). I am finding being invisible gives me a sense of freedom; I pretty much do as I please. I have, to some extent, stopped worrying as much about the future. I won’t be here anyway! So I seem to be able to enjoy today, this moment, more.

    Reply

  63. Connie Power says

    Thank you. I bought my first-ever Kate Spade purse at age 61, on a Thursday and that next Tuesday she committed suicide. One reason I bought it was that she was always the “fun” designer that made me smile. I’m keeping the purse as a reminder that you never know what a person is going through. I can’t stop thinking about her and others like her.

    Reply

  65. Dana Ann says

    Worst article ever. Let’s not blame menopause on the very real consequences of aging for women in this society, when women universally lose their social capital and their ability to independently earn it or make a mark on the world.

    Change those things and you will see menopause problems disappear.

    Reply

    • Resa Rodgers Hall says

      Menopause is a very real issue, which compounds the social issues you talk about. While I agree that there are more ageist issues that women face that many (but not all) men do not, I would ask you to not discount the very real health consequences of the hormonal shifts of menopause, which can plunge some women into a deep depression.

      Reply

    • NextTribe says

      THanks for your comments, however we believe the article does a very comprehensive job of looking at ALL the factors that have possibly contributed to the increase. We are not discounting the very real role played by ageism and sexism.

      Reply

    • Dana Ann says

      Yes, some women have great difficulty with physical changes of menopause. My point is that this article tries to make a causal link between that and the recent increase in suicides in women over 45. That is what I objected to, because it was fallacious and so poorly done.

      Reply

    • NextTribe says

      Thanks again for continuing the conversation. Just to clarify, we are not a Facebook group. NextTribe is a respected online magazine led by a journalist with many years of experience. The author of this story is a well-respected journalist and best-selling author who also writes for Vanity Fair and other major outlets. So we would like to be judged against the best in the publishing field and in that sense especially we are sorry we let you down.

      Reply

    • Dana Ann says

      Please excuse the hyperbole. I’ve read worse articles.

      It bothers me though, that the author did not adequately lay out the complexity of the interplay between culture and menopause before listing it as a culprit. There are decades of reputable research studies available that implicate menopause symptoms, including depression, as mostly a by-product of the context of our respective cultures.

      Granted, the symptoms are real and can be devastating. It’s just not all about hormones. AND, even when it is about hormones, it’s about how we learn to live and how we are regarded by ourselves and others that affects them.

      As I see it, the connection is mostly about loss. Menopause is a time of loss for women in our culture. It must be approached from both sides. Yes, self care and vigilance is key. So is changing the culture. Valuing ourselves when the powers that be send unrelenting messages of conditional acceptance must be part of the equation.

      I guess all the factors were “look[ed] at” but I respectfully disagree that the job was “comprehensive”. Maybe I am expecting too much from Facebook group articles, but that’s my take on it.

      Reply

    • Kathy Shore says

      I am one of those who was damn grateful for menopause. I had severe endometriosis for 14 years, and had to have a radical hysterectomy at age 53 due to a cancer scare. Best surgery I ever had, and it was wonderful to no longer wear paper products.

      There are lots of “sucky” parts of aging, but considering the alternative, I will live with them. There is depression for many of us when we realize we aren’t as pretty as we once were, that we are less appealing to the opposite sex, when we face age discrimination in the work place, and our children drift away and have lives of their own, etc. But you find new meaning in life. There is so much to do and see and enjoy. Things you never had time for when you were working and raising a family.

      Reply

    • Lee Ann Primeau says

      What??? Changing the things you’re talking about isn’t going to do a THING to make menopause disappear!!! You either haven’t been through it, or are one of the lucky ones who didn’t get hit hard with severe symptoms. Anyone who has actually been through years of severe menopause symptoms would NEVER make such an ignorant statement.

      Reply

  66. Resa Rodgers Hall says

    Great article. Society plays against mature women. At 58, I am learning to say screw that!
    The last few years have been challenging for me – losing a career I loved in a definite ageist move, going through peri-menopause into menopause, and now learning to embrace empty nesting, but there is a wonderful light on the other side, ladies! I can be who I want to be!Embrace what you love. Love who you are, and the hell with everyone else. You are beautiful! You are smart! You have skills and abilities that no one can match! I am going to Rock my 60’s…I am starting now.

    Reply

      • sue smaller says

        I see nothing positive about this age. You can sugar-coat it all you want, but there is no template for continuing to live another 30-40 years. None whatsoever. I’m 62, slender, still considered attractive and athletic. I’m not sure whether my depression is situational or not. It seems my career is finally winding down. I know I don’t have enough saved for a comfortable retirement. My family broker, who churned my portfolio and put a third of it into high-risk, high commission, oil and gas pipelines, saw to that. (Note that I am now doing it on my own at a discount brokerage firm with excellent results, so that’s my blueprint at least for managing my savings.)

        But the lack of companionship is another story. I have yet to find a blueprint for that one. I’ve cobbled together a group of supportive friends, including single men who just seem interested in friendship at this point. (Mostly they would be considered ineligible for marriage, but they are really nice.) I feel that, no matter how hard I try, I’ve lost my hotness, which makes it almost impossible to navigate society. Romantic connections fulfill a really vital need: men tend to protect their romantic investment in a woman. There is no substitute for male protectiveness.

        Oh I wish I was simply invisible! But it’s worse than that. In my neck of the woods, an affluent enclave in Seattle, my church came out with a more or less official statement that men don’t have to date or marry within their age group. They are free to date down in age. What used to be merely optional–plastic surgery–is now necessary. You cannot even wear glasses at this point if you go for a job interview, even if the glasses are not bifocals.

        Then there’s menopause, a very real disease unto itself. I have tried different hormone regimens. The best so far is the Wiley protocol, but it can’t replace well-functioning ovaries. Also, I cannot seem to get any of my doctors to increase my thyroid medication, which could be at the root of my depression. (I have an ND in California, but it seems that the FDA is kind of on her case for being overly aggressive in her use of medications.)

        I do not know how women with fewer resources than I have navigate this period of time, from menopause to death.

        I was so successful until now. My resume reads like who’s who of the IT industry. I was married to an incredible man. Then menopause came along with all of its diseases. Why can’t doctors get this one straight? We need to be treated for the underlying cause of menopause. To treat each disease individually is missing the point.

        Reply

    • Anne C Young says

      Agreed. Instead of letting empty-nest depress me, I went back to school and got my MS. That helped me get a better job and now I can have a more secure retirement. Embrace life after 40.

      Reply

    • Kathy Shore says

      I am 62 and retired. I have many health conditions, and have been through many hardships in life, but I refuse to live like a sick person. I try to maintain a good attitude, and a good sense of humor. You have to stay interested in life, and be grateful. I am the last person who should have horses, but I have them anyway, and I love them. Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning. Work, success, money don’t define us. We do.

      Reply

    • Anonymous says

      Kim Zody Ruppert , I understand what you are saying. I lost a career at a company last year that I prized and worked hard at for 17 years. Management valued a team of men in their 30’s over mature women. I was fortunate to find an employer who values the skills I bring to the table…I know they are rare. However, I also took the time and pursued a sideline of singing and teaching voice to high school students – something that I absolutely love, and did not have time for when I was wrapped up in my former sales career. I am rewarded every day working with these young men and women, and I feel younger than I have in years. Did my finances take a hit? You bet, but my stress has gone way down, and I look forward to each day with a smile. I am not defined by my career any longer, and that is very liberating.

      Reply

    • Kim Zody Ruppert says

      I’m glad you found it Resa Hall because I sure as hell haven’t in 11 years. My life is like yours in the first three sentences of your second paragraph.
      Age discrimination is very real, both personally, professionally, and romantically especially for women. This only adds to the problem.

      Reply

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