Suicide in “middle-aged” women—and women who seemed to have “everything”: that’s been on the minds of many NextTribe-aged women recently.
There was almost no tragedy in recent memory that spiked as much self-examination and pain as the news on June 5 that Kate Spade, 55, the wealthy, plucky designer of witty handbags and the mother of a 13-year-old daughter, had hung herself, and the subsequent revelation that she had suffered from depression and bipolar disorder for a long time. We also lost 69-year-old Margot Kidder, whose death was later ruled a suicide. Four months earlier, successful film producer Jill Messick, 50, a wife and mother of two, killed herself out of the pain of being unfairly maligned in the Harvey Weinstein scandal. Messick, too, had had a long history of depression—that she valiantly combated—but she seemed, on the surface, to have everything to live for. Yet she took her own her own life (the method has not been revealed).
The largest increase in the number of completed suicides in America is among women aged 50 and older.
Going back four years, there was another fashionista’s suicide as stunning to NextTribe-aged women as Kate Spade’s: On March 17, 2014, a month before her 50th birthday, the Amazonian-tall, stunning designer-to-the-A-list L’Wren Scott, whom Mick Jagger emotionally called “my lover,” hung herself—like Spade—with a scarf, in her elegant New York apartment, after hosting a dinner party. Going back even further, another imponderable was the hanging death—on May 16, 2012, in the barn of her house in Bedford, New York—of beautiful Mary Richardson Kennedy, 53, the estranged wife of Bobby Kennedy, Jr. and the loving, meticulously eco-conscious mother of four children, ages 11 to 18.
Suicide in Middle-Aged Women: The Big Jump in Deaths in Our Age Group
Image: Kristina Tripkovic/Unsplash
These stories of women “our” age—45 to 65-plus—who seemed to have everything but took their own lives are as startling as they are, also, on some secret level, comprehensible. In our still patriarchal and youth-oriented culture, it comes as sadness but not surprise that the Centers Disease Control reports that the largest increase in the number of completed suicides in America is among women aged 50 and older: a deeply worrisome 45 percent jump in suicides over last 20 years. Though men, in general, commit more suicides, those in the same age group have shown far less of an increase: 30 percent. Clinical studies have also shown, over recent years, a troubling nearly 50 percent rise in ER visits for drug-related suicide attempts (usually opioid) by middle-aged women.
The reasons for suicide among middle-aged women are various. Deborah Serani, a New York-based psychologist affiliated with Adelphi University, has spent years helping “dozens and dozens” of women battle suicidal ideation—to the point of calling the police when her patients have indicated they were ready to take their own lives and, in one case, having a patient’s stomach pumped. She has colleagues who have lost patients to suicide. She knew that female depression and suicide intervention would be her life’s work when she was a depressed 19-year-old who came very close to killing herself with her father’s gun; she backed off just in time. A great deal of suicide, especially among the young, is “impulsive”: emotional and tragically impetuous.
Those of us now in our 50s and 60s were the first women who came to young adulthood believing we could ‘have it all.’
“There’s a wide spectrum of reasons that worsening depression and suicide hits middle aged women so hard,” Dr. Serani says. At least 60 percent of suicide victims have major depression. “First of all, those of us now in our 50s and 60s were the first women who came to young adulthood believing we could ‘have it all.’ When you find out it wasn’t quite that neat—your life can’t be that perfect, you’ve ‘fallen short’— that can lead to depression. ‘I’m not happy. I was told a story that didn’t work out for me. I failed.’ Midlife women are also the sandwich generation, having to care for kids (or feeling the loss of purpose when their kids leave them for independent lives) and for aging parents. There’s stress and vulnerability—and the candle can be burning at all ends for them. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.”
What’s Going On
But there are strong hints. For example, there is a correlation between the estrogen-progesterone changes that come with menopause and increased depression. A 2008 study in Menopause: The Journal of the North American Menopause Society found that “late menopausal transition” was significantly related to depressed mood. Another study found that menopausal women are three times more likely to develop depression than premenopausal women. Going even further, a study of menopausal suicide attempters (as opposed to mere depression sufferers) in Iran in 2012 concluded that “the relationship between the female suicidal attempt and the feminine hormones is [emphasis added] a reality and cannot be renunciated.”
Menopausal women are three times more likely to develop depression than premenopausal women.
A writer named Kathie, a woman in her 50s, recently lost a friend she knew from childhood in such a sudden, awful way that “it was like the ground fell out from under me.” Her friend’s idyllic life—“she had everything; she was happy”—turned to depression severe enough for her to, like Spade and Scott, hang herself with a scarf precisely when she went through the roughest moments of menopause.
Kathie’s friend had had severe postpartum depression (a sign that she was prone to depression) when her child was born 19 years earlier, but it was treated and completely subsided. Yet when she hit menopause, says Kathie, “suddenly, despite amazing professional successes, a fantastic child, a happy marriage, she plunged, almost overnight, into depression again, something she kept secret from most of her friends.
Her husband and best friend were doing everything they could, making appointments with specialists, and those specialists identified her condition as menopausal depression. But it all happened so quickly! When I got the call that she had killed herself, I couldn’t believe it. This was a beautiful woman who always smiled; people loved her—but menopause hit her like a ton of bricks. What happened to my friend makes me want to shout: ‘We have to de-stigmatize menopause!’ Women don’t want to admit we’re going through it because, these days, we have to work with 30 year olds. But we can’t afford to be silent about menopause anymore; my friend’s suicide is proof.”
Maura, a 55-year-old sufferer of severe depression who has had suicidal ideations, agrees, from first-hand experience. She writes: “I have had PTSD from a violent rape at 27 with attendant depression and anxiety for at least 27 years. However, the last 11 years, after a severe back injury, and the past five to six years, have been the most difficult with suicidal ideation. Definitely perimenopause and menopause contributed—my psychiatrist said that both of them raised my anxiety levels and made it more difficult for me to manage triggers.” The other factor, for Maura, was “becoming ‘the invisible woman’ in my 50s.” But, she adds, “I have the best mental health care providers. I have really good friends. I know depression; it’s ruthless. But I know how to get through.”
It’s Hard Out There
Menopause aside, at the risk of defying politically correct anti-ageism and Age Boldly positivity, growing older can feel damn hard for women in this culture. Feature film director and Columbia University professor of graduate film studies Katherine Dieckmann, 56, has thought long and hard about why so many of her female friends are depressed at this age. “We think, I can’t use my ‘woman tricks’ anymore because I’m invisible to the world.” There’s Maura’s term, repeated! “And to be invisible means to be discounted.
‘We have to de-stigmatize menopause! My friend’s suicide is proof.’
At 50 or so you have to re-interpret your whole being, and that is exhausting. ‘If a man smiles at me on the street, does that mean he thinks I’m an old lady?’ I’m not depressed now: making a movie, <span”>Strange Weather, in which a midlife woman, Holly Hunter, wears jeans, has adventures, and is sexual helped correct that. We have to fight to be honest about who we still are and not give in to thinking ‘Oh, I’m considered pathetic and trying-too-hard now unless I dress in sensible shoes, a cardigan, and a quilted purse.’ Screw that!” Note: Next Tribe, of course, shares this mission
But there’s also career-dwindle depression. A friend of mine—I’ll call her Joanna—is extremely depressed. She successfully battled cancer (and with humor!), but that was easier. People understood the physical illness she was up against and supported her heroism. The severe depression she is dealing with now, seeing career options fritter away in a field she’d once mastered but that has been overhauled by for-the-young digitalization, makes her feel like “Holy shit! It was all for nothing! I’m supposed to be ‘comfortable’ now, reaping the ‘rewards,’ not struggling like this!”
Battling cancer was easier for her than trying to stay afloat in her changing career.
Dr. Dean Parker, a clinical psychologist in Dix Hills, New York, who has treated hundreds of patients of both genders in his long career, says that, no matter how much he tries to work up positivity in some of his midlife women patients—especially those who have just ended relationships—it can be an uphill climb. What sticks in his mind are the “beyond disheartening” results of a 2014 study sponsored by A. Vogel, an herbal supplement company that produces menopause remedies. Of the 2,000 women over age 45 surveyed about their feelings on aging, more than half felt they’d been “left on the shelf” and have been “judged negatively because of their age.”
That’s pretty grim, and it certainly beats the drum for serious attention—but it’s not unsurmountable. A prescient and very thorough 2011 blog post that Dr. Serani wrote addresses female midlife depression and suicide: how to see signs of depression in yourself and the possibility of suicide in your friends and how to ameliorate and treat both.
Inside the Mind
Image: Aaron Mello/Unsplash
In the immediate aftermath of Kate Spade’s (and Anthony Bourdain’s) shocking suicides, I asked midlife women whose depression might have veered into suicide ideation to send me descriptions of their lives, and here is what some of them said. A well-published and eloquent writer in her 60s: “My first depressions came in my 20s and 30s.” Loss of lovers, memories of childhood sexual abuse by a relative led to “the constant thrum of anxiety in my bloodstream. My inner landscape [felt] devastated by a nuclear bomb. My body refused all pleasure, beginning with food and people. Suicide ideation somewhat. Hijacked sleep. I was beyond tears.” Seeing a therapist helped. A good relationship helped. Then, in her 40s, 20 years ago—menopause-time—“a work disappointment shifted me into what I recognized in my body and mind was the beginning of another depression. By then, there were antidepressants. I got myself to a psychopharmacologist and after a little tinkering, found Zoloft. The difference it made in my life continues to be profound. The net held.”
One of the most moving correspondences I have had has been with comedian, writer, and TV producer Bari Alyse Rudin, who is 48. When she was three years old, her beautiful 29-year-old mother, seemingly out of the blue, took her husband’s pistol, pointed it at her own head, and blew her brains out while Bari and her two little siblings were getting ready for preschool in the adjacent bedroom of the family’s Brooklyn house. Out of shame and terror, Bari and her family eventually told others she had died of cancer. Years later, Bari’s brother tried so hard to hang himself (but narrowly failed, being in a long coma for a long time after) that a permanent rope scar braced his neck. In 2015, he succeeded in killing himself, the same year their father died of natural causes.
We cannot not talk about feeling ‘invisible’ or career-gut-punched.
A family history of depression and suicide this intense is hard to beat. And Bari has tried to beat it, with everything in her. Bari was a straight A student and president of her high school class in leafy, affluent Connecticut, “and then I put together a great career in TV and comedy”—massively competitive fields requiring humor! Objectively, she says she did plenty right, but she never felt that “rightness.” She finds that to be universal with everyone who experiences severe depression.
Bari has battled suicidal ideation and severe depression—it comes, it goes, it comes it goes—all her life. Last year she was so depressed she couldn’t comb her long, luxuriant hair, so she hacked it all off. She tells me that looking at the planets in the sky with her son, who wants to be an astrophysicist, helps and that she is absolutely determined “to make a clean slate for my children and give them a happy childhood.” She’s enormously grateful that, so far at least, she has succeeded. “Putting them and their needs first and knowing that they deserve a happy and healthy mom has helped me seek help every time I hit another low or see myself slipping. I want my children to have great lives.” When deep depression recurs, “I try to tell myself that the one thing going through it so many times has taught me is that every single time I have come out of it. I have to keep reminding myself of that!”
Bari is an active volunteer for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and I heartily recommend going to this worthy group’s website.
She is heroic, as are all the midlife women battling depression linked, remotely or less so, to suicide ideation. We cannot not <span”>talk about these subjects: menopause; feeling “invisible” or career-gut-punched; feeling that your psychological pain seems less sympathy-worthy to friends than, say, cancer; feeling that you are living on the dark planet of grief that money and success cannot touch.
Here, of course, is the all-important number: If you need emotional support or are in crisis, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Let’s hope we don’t hear of any more Kate Spades for a very long time. But let’s be grateful to her family that her tragedy has prompted this essential conversation.
Further Reading
Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide
It’s OK That You’re Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn’t Understand
A version of this article was originally published in May 2018.
Excellent piece.
Great and informative article.
I’m next!
Are you ok, Tracy?
I dont know who that message was for but it’s an incredible coincidence that I found it as I browse help sites for suicidal thoughts…and my name happens to be Tracy…I know I’m not the person this was intended for it just struck me as…idk
?? What? Are you ok?
Do you know Tracy? If so please let us know if she’s OK. How we can help! We’ve tried friending her. We are concerned
NextTribe yes, I called and talked to her last night. She’s okay.
Lydia Hatch Vila thank you! I don’t know Tracy but I was really concerned for her!!
Thank you Lydia Hatch Vila. We’re very worried. It’s heartbreaking and it’s awful to be unable to help.
It’s about time we start talking about women’s mental health during middle age.
A conversation long overdue.
This article is spot on. Being single at this age? 100 times worse.
Agreed. Financial security is impossible especially if you have struggled all along, it just gets worse.
Thank you.
Agree 100%
Well written
Great article. Society plays against mature women. At 58, I am learning to say screw that! The last few years have been challenging for me – losing a career I loved in a definite ageist move, going through peri-menopause into menopause, and now learning to embrace empty nesting, but there is a wonderful light on the other side, ladies! I can be who I want to be!Embrace what you love. Love who you are, and the hell with everyone else. You are beautiful! You are smart! You have skills and abilities that no one can match! I am going to… Read more »
Yep – there are so many positives to being this age! Like being able to see through male politicians and their bullshit!
I see nothing positive about this age. You can sugar-coat it all you want, but there is no template for continuing to live another 30-40 years. None whatsoever. I’m 62, slender, still considered attractive and athletic. I’m not sure whether my depression is situational or not. It seems my career is finally winding down. I know I don’t have enough saved for a comfortable retirement. My family broker, who churned my portfolio and put a third of it into high-risk, high commission, oil and gas pipelines, saw to that. (Note that I am now doing it on my own at… Read more »
Agreed. Instead of letting empty-nest depress me, I went back to school and got my MS. That helped me get a better job and now I can have a more secure retirement. Embrace life after 40.
Same with me!
We should be allowed to be who we want to be all along
I am 62 and retired. I have many health conditions, and have been through many hardships in life, but I refuse to live like a sick person. I try to maintain a good attitude, and a good sense of humor. You have to stay interested in life, and be grateful. I am the last person who should have horses, but I have them anyway, and I love them. Everyone needs a reason to get up in the morning. Work, success, money don’t define us. We do.
Lesley Mattson – actually like seeing through anyone’s bullshit, and not being afraid to call them out on it! 🤣
Kim Zody Ruppert , I understand what you are saying. I lost a career at a company last year that I prized and worked hard at for 17 years. Management valued a team of men in their 30’s over mature women. I was fortunate to find an employer who values the skills I bring to the table…I know they are rare. However, I also took the time and pursued a sideline of singing and teaching voice to high school students – something that I absolutely love, and did not have time for when I was wrapped up in my former… Read more »
I’m glad you found it Resa Hall because I sure as hell haven’t in 11 years. My life is like yours in the first three sentences of your second paragraph.
Age discrimination is very real, both personally, professionally, and romantically especially for women. This only adds to the problem.
Amen Resa! 💪🏻
Worst article ever. Let’s not blame menopause on the very real consequences of aging for women in this society, when women universally lose their social capital and their ability to independently earn it or make a mark on the world.
Change those things and you will see menopause problems disappear.
Menopause is a very real issue, which compounds the social issues you talk about. While I agree that there are more ageist issues that women face that many (but not all) men do not, I would ask you to not discount the very real health consequences of the hormonal shifts of menopause, which can plunge some women into a deep depression.
THanks for your comments, however we believe the article does a very comprehensive job of looking at ALL the factors that have possibly contributed to the increase. We are not discounting the very real role played by ageism and sexism.
Yes, some women have great difficulty with physical changes of menopause. My point is that this article tries to make a causal link between that and the recent increase in suicides in women over 45. That is what I objected to, because it was fallacious and so poorly done.
Thanks again for continuing the conversation. Just to clarify, we are not a Facebook group. NextTribe is a respected online magazine led by a journalist with many years of experience. The author of this story is a well-respected journalist and best-selling author who also writes for Vanity Fair and other major outlets. So we would like to be judged against the best in the publishing field and in that sense especially we are sorry we let you down.
Please excuse the hyperbole. I’ve read worse articles. It bothers me though, that the author did not adequately lay out the complexity of the interplay between culture and menopause before listing it as a culprit. There are decades of reputable research studies available that implicate menopause symptoms, including depression, as mostly a by-product of the context of our respective cultures. Granted, the symptoms are real and can be devastating. It’s just not all about hormones. AND, even when it is about hormones, it’s about how we learn to live and how we are regarded by ourselves and others that affects… Read more »
Dana Ann 👍
I am one of those who was damn grateful for menopause. I had severe endometriosis for 14 years, and had to have a radical hysterectomy at age 53 due to a cancer scare. Best surgery I ever had, and it was wonderful to no longer wear paper products. There are lots of “sucky” parts of aging, but considering the alternative, I will live with them. There is depression for many of us when we realize we aren’t as pretty as we once were, that we are less appealing to the opposite sex, when we face age discrimination in the work… Read more »
Dana Ann definitely was for mine.
What??? Changing the things you’re talking about isn’t going to do a THING to make menopause disappear!!! You either haven’t been through it, or are one of the lucky ones who didn’t get hit hard with severe symptoms. Anyone who has actually been through years of severe menopause symptoms would NEVER make such an ignorant statement.
You didn’t let me down!!!
Good article, thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you. I bought my first-ever Kate Spade purse at age 61, on a Thursday and that next Tuesday she committed suicide. One reason I bought it was that she was always the “fun” designer that made me smile. I’m keeping the purse as a reminder that you never know what a person is going through. I can’t stop thinking about her and others like her.
Connie, very thoughtful comment. So true.
Or, the world is just a shitty place. Still feels like the blame is on me.
Hmmmm.
If you have something to say I’m listening Susan.
Wait…what do you mean “the blame is on you”? Will you please clarify? Thank you.
I don’t have to elaborate on my depression to anyone. Your welcome. Mind your own business.
Betsy McGraw Romine , please don’t be so bitter on life. YOU are very much loved. I want you to be happy. ♥️You my friend!
Y’all don’t walk my path. And as far as how I should feel? I’ve got that covered.
This is what I’m talking about. Depression. Don’t be be this way, don’t be that way.
Everything we had and worked for is GONE. Our life’s work gone. It’s a shitty way to face an old age future.
Capitalism
I think age 50-60 is harder; taking care of, then loosing parents, struggling to decide to retire or not. I am almost 65 now. My hair is gray and I like it gray. I don’t wear shorts or capris, or sleeveless tops, so I don’t shave legs or underarms any more( what a weird cultural habit that is anyway!). I am finding being invisible gives me a sense of freedom; I pretty much do as I please. I have, to some extent, stopped worrying as much about the future. I won’t be here anyway! So I seem to be able… Read more »
I wear shorts and role then… I wear sleeveless more cause I’m HOT… I wear whatever I want because I’m 60 and I could give a shit what people think anymore and that…. is very freeing
Kathleen Williams I live at 8600 feet in the Rockies. Too cool here in summer for shorts and sleeveless shirts for me, so I go unshaven and unnoticed. 🙂
I don’t know, if I found this article very informative at all. I guess in many ways, I am an old soul. Since my earliest childhood, I have observed the woman in my life as well as strangers struggle with depression and suicide. My own mother made multiple attempts and thankfully never succeeded. I intervened in several of her attempts as a child. Unfortunately , a brother my god father) of hers succeeded …who I loved dearly !
Have these struggles of aging and invisibility only been associated with the female sex? I think Not!!
Very relevant. Feeling like we’re invisible and no one to vent our feelings to. I wish we could all get together and hug, and really talk. This is ergent.
We need to recognize we are okay just as we are and a kind word in the grocery store or complementing someone’s hairstyle . No strangers , just friends we have not met yet .
Laura Padula Yes! When I see someone, man, woman, child, I so love to compliment. One beautiful older woman( she said she was 90!) was shocked when I said she looked so beautiful shopping in Wegmans. We ended up hugging in the produce section 💜💜
Where do stay at home moms fit into the equation? It seems the article is all about women who are out trying to make a name for themselves and suddenly start feeling “less” because of age. Stay at home moms have often been looked at as “less”, but maybe they are actually the smarter ones.
This is an interesting point. Wonder if it is different for mothers who have stayed at home.
It hard and isolating being a stay at home mom. Doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or even want to stay home. It’s just hard because there is so much to do and you are isolated. As you age and your children are grown then you feel another type of isolation and it’s called invisibility. People don’t see you as they once did when you were younger. Even if you keep yourself up and stay healthy you can just feel that you are not as relevant as you once were to the general public. Sad but true…
Dede Lowe that wasn’t my experience.
NextTribe It is horrible for stay at home moms. When my husband left me in my 50’s, I found that I had to start over like I was an 18 year old just starting out. However, no one wants to hire an older person who has no experience. The courts saw no value in what I did for my family either. Every where I turned, I was made to feel like I was worthless. Many women are finding themselves in my position and feel suicide is their only option. We are not just invisible, we have been devalued. I can’t… Read more »
Being a “mom” was my career. Empty nest—the goal of a good mom—is a place fraught with so many facets of loss…
I completely get it. Most of my female friends in their 50s and 60s are really unhappy. We’re tired we’re overworked and we are invisible.
This is why we started NextTribe. We wanted a place where women could come together and acknowledge their pains and triumphs, feel relevant and put their voices together to say, “We are not going anywhere!”
It’s really a matter of perception- it is totally possible to be 63, still feel attractive, confident and happy, fulfilled, creative. I know because I am and I have lots of friends that are too. I am not making light of anyone’s depression but No one’s’ life is perfect at any age. Is depression a result of a constant state of negative thinking or an actual chemical imbalance- No one seems to know for sure.
I am glad you mentioned menopause because I noticed a big difference in my state of mind . Like something had taken over my thoughts . Now that my hormones have leveled out I feel much better. I had the gun in my hand but thoughts of my family got me through it .
Oh wow Laura. This is heart breaking, that you got so close. Thank God, you got past that. Whew.
I don’t have those thoughts anymore and the wonderful man in my life stood by me through the insanity that going through menopause caused .
Laura Padula Great to hear you have good support. Go get ’em.
It’s ageism and the deeply scarred post recession (that feels that we’re still in the recession).
Yes, let’s fight ageism together!
My husband passed three months ago. Life had always been a struggle with all his medical issues. Glad I had the fortitude to take out life insurance on both of us. Don’t know where I would be without it. Ageism sucks. Tried to find a new position at work and think I got continually passed over because I am nearly 59 and too close to retirement age. It sucks because we have so much experience.
Yes, ageism does suck. We want the world to know how much experience and wisdom they’re overlooking and wasting. Let’s make ourselves heard.
NextTribe yes!
I believe that they know that we have knowledge and experience on our side. That intimidates them, and is why they prefer younger, naive workers. If they hire us, they treat us very badly, and promote and cross-train only the young workers.
Just liked your page and will follow.
Thank you so much.
This article hit home for me. I too liked your page and signed up for newsletter. I was a stay at home mom. Now a stay at home Kinship Care Grandma in light of the opioid epidemic.Talk about roller coaster emotions…ugh. Menopause hit me like a ton of bricks falling with nowhere to land! Counseling and doing very much better now.Got to! Loving and enjoying life even in physical pain. I will be happy! I deserve it! My husband gives 110% plus also! This article has given me hope that awareness is around the corner. Don’t jump to labeling me… Read more »
Thank you for liking our page and signing up for the newsletter. You’ve got a great attitude and I’m glad you have a solid partner in all this. Best to you!
I read this somewhere else recently.
Great article!!!
I truly understand. I’m caught between being an empty nester and having aging parents who are not well. It’s a sad time of life.
I heard that demographic is on an upswing.
The article doesn’t talk about 2 things: the loneliness of women this age who are divorced or single and having a hard time finding a good quality partner (who chase the younger ones) and the negativity and horror of the Trump administration that is affecting all of us, but especially women, since he’s a sexual harasser and abuser.
Good points. I’m sure there’s another story here.
Read “the wisdom of Menopause”. I think Antidepressants are overprescribed. Fear communicates a message loud and clear. I think depression communicates a message also which is usually the need for change. That can be frightful especially for women. Get out and beat the bushes to find a like-minded tribe whoever yours my be. We are each responsible for our own happiness. Be blessed.
Right on Sister, infinite love and gratitude for your message
You rock
I got rid of depression by getting out of a bad marriage, and getting dogs.
It worked for me too
Well done ladies. ❤
Yes!
Good for you both.
Strange that most of the article’s subjects are praised for being beautiful or stunning, as if to be physically attractive is to be immune from mental illness, making it more inexplicable that they should have killed themselves than “regular”, or, heaven forefend, non-beautiful women. Such stereotypes do a disservice to all women. Depression doesn’t really correlate to a person’s beauty or wealth, and this just perpetuates the myth that it does.
Wow. I didn’t catch that at all.
We felt the piece was making the point that it can happen to any of us. Wealth, beauty, all of the stereotypical markers of what should make us happy are NOT at all protection. But thanks for your points.
Lenore Thompson great article
This is a great article. I had a failed suicide at 48. It took me a long time to not see it as another failure. I am glad I am alive. My first depression was caused by an abusive marriage and an auto immune disorder of my thyroid. Menopause was not an issue for me. I had my last period June of 2016 at 60. I actually feel better. Then my grandson was diagnosed with cancer and we have been in a 2 year battle for his life. This fall my positivity, my self care, my medication failed me. I… Read more »
What an amazing story. Thank you for sharing it and thank you for being here to give hope and inspiration to others.
NextTribe thank you for listening and letting women speak their truth.
Three words: HORMONE REPLACEMENT THERAPY.
We need to treat menopausal depression with hormones again! We don’t treat diabetes symptoms with anything other than insulin! Giving women antidepressents, sleeping pills, and antipsychotics is CRUEL AND ARCHAIC. HRT is safe and effective AND THE BENEFITS OUTWEIGH RISKS!!
My sister was on HRT for 20+ years after an early hysterectomy and now has breast cancer. HRT may be beneficial but it’s not 100% “safe”.
Early hysterectomy requires estrogen replacement. If she didn’t take it for 20 years she might have suffered even more. Many many women get breast cancer who do not take HRT. In fact estrogen therapy alone does not increase bc rates at all and actually can improve outcomes. Women on HRT live 30% longer than women who do not take it. Low dose (a fraction of a birth control) body identical HRT protects heart bones and brain when younger women take it starting in early menopause.
Im very sorry about your sister and I hope she is ok. 🙏🏽
Lori Bean I am going to see a doctor soon about the bio identical hormones that are “pellets” placed under the skin. Supposed to be safer as the dose is more consistent. Some friends have done it and feel fantastic!!
Great discussion. We need to do a story about HRT and bio-identicals.
I prefer pharmacy grade hormone treatment only because it’s the most heavily researched and studied product available.
Peggy Hayner I have this and it’s been great. It didn’t get rid of my depression but gave me more energy! Good luck!
The word ‘invisible’ is used in this article to describe middle aged women…spot on. It’s a running joke in my family that I’m invisible. I will be turning 60 in 6 months, and that is exactly how I feel at times. We we were recently out to lunch, the waitress went around the table taking everyone’s order, then walked away without taking mine! I had to get up and find her to give her my order…when I got back to the table everyone laughed about me being invisible.
Yes, I know what invisible is all about. Us women get whacked in so many ways. Even when we are visible mean women make it a point to diminish our light.
My wise mom said “always always always wear lipstick. “
She made a very very good point.
Ouch. It’s good that you can laugh about it, but let’s try to make it so this kind of thing stops happening. Claim your power and your place!
NextTribe No laughs here. My mother was a warrior for ancestral power and place. That was just her symbolic way of showing her creativity
and levity. She lived the claim of power and the place and so do I. I’ve lived a very very full and involved life… no complacency on my part. I’ve come up against some powerful he- and she-devils.
Where there are vacuuums of energy we get to decide what we want to fill it up with. Staying in gratitude for the female energy which has molded our many great achievements is key. We have raised, powered, guided, supported, nourished the world. And to that we owe ourselves a great gratitude and claim of great achievement.
In July of 2015, I became one of the stats associated with this article in the form of a failed suicide. I have recognized that I have felt some form of depression since I was a young girl. I have feelings of not-enough; experiencing such dramatic trauma in my life that would “justify” my depression. I’ve never been raped, molested, had a gun held to my head, nor do I have any “legitimate” health issues that would quantify my being depressed. I have experienced feelings of anger over the fact that anyone decided it was their place to step in… Read more »
Have you considered hormone therapy? It saved my life. Ten percent of women who experience hot flashes will contemplate suicide. You’re not alone 🙏🏽
Oh Kim. I’m so sorry to hear this. Thank you for putting it out there in a public forum. Not sure this could help, but we just published a story about shame–and how sometimes we inherit it. Talking about shame can really help conquer it. https://nexttribe.com/overcoming-shame/
Divorce. I’m betting if she never married she’d be alive today.
I so understand. Standing in a shower, silently screaming. Devastating cruelty & betrayal by the ones you love the most. Finally uncurling toes in the first streams of daylight, relishing the fact you’re still here.
Oh no. We’ve all probably been there–the silent scream in the shower, tears mixing with the shower water. Ugh. So awful. It’s a good sign that you relish the fact that you’re still here when you wake up! Thank you for sharing this.
Even when no one else wants be to be… I’m still here.
Yes. When younger colleagues , especially those you trusted, go in for the kill ……
Good read
It’s not necessarily hormones or feeling invisible, feeling one can no longer use feminine wiles. Not everyone used feminine wiles.
It’s not necessarily the disease of depression.
Sometimes cumulative blows become too much to fight back from again. Sometimes, it seems no matter how strong one has been to overcome one adversity after another, one says, “No more.”
That’s it
We will recover and carry on, as before.
I agree with this, Lindsay.
Such important points, Lindsay.
Yes! After several years of terrible blows, I stopped feeling proud of my ability to “fall 7 times, get up 8” and became afraid that the next blow would finally be my TKO and I wouldn’t get up from that one.
These are hard times. It will get better and we’ll be glad to be here.
Thanks Lindsay and all of you for such great points. This is so serious and discussions like this are so needed.
It very well can be hormones. I swear put any middle aged woman on estrogen for 48 hours and she will know. It’s somethimg you can’t explain and sadly women do not want to hear it.
Yes, for me, it is the accumulation of a lifetime of small and large disappointments that is catching up with me right now. There hasn’t been a lot of good stuff in my life in a very long time…at least 13 years. How do you keep picking yourself up when the reserves have been completely drained by what has come before and all that is occurring right now. I have no idea. My perimenopause symptoms consist of months of PMS symptoms that don’t end. As far back as I can remember, I frequently had suicidal thoughts while I was experiencing… Read more »
Yikes — I didnt realize that many shares. Stay happy and positive, everyone!
This is a very good article. I am 52 and went thru menopause early, at 45. Besides weight gain that seems impossible to lose, I had it easy. I am happier now then ever, and feel getting older has freed me from the obsession with my looks. I still want to look good, but realize my glory days are behind me. That’s okay, I would rather be alive than young.
I have gotten over the invisible business pretty much, I am 61 and like you I feel better not worrying about my looks! Been divorced for 13 years, I live alone with 2 doggos, a stone’s throw from the ocean. Rent my house, limited income but I am happy, content!
Deb Brunelle Charron your life seems very nearly perfect!
Deb your life near the beach. Sounds very nice. Dogs are great companions too
Dogs make so much difference. https://nexttribe.com/female-in-bed/
People are killing themselves because life is way too stressful and expensive, just for your basic housing and food. Too much pressure to fit into a ridiculous ideal or else be shunned, and not everyone is born or raised and equipped to handle it.
Important
Jennifer Hill Robenalt
It’s most difficult to become invisible. I remember stoping in my tracks when young men wiuld avoid eye contact. Doctors because they are mistly are mostly male give you bad treatment.
Also they give more pain relief to men. I had 7 suicides around me. 5 were female. All had pain issues abd taken off meds. I remember when ut used to be illegal not to treat pain.
But we are in Afghanistan guarding Poppy Fields in exchange for Luthium.
It is still illegal to not treat pain, but there are ways to treat pain without addiction.
I THINK SOME PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ADDICTION AND DEPENDENCE.
To all you women feeling invisible…. do something about it. Get up, dust yourself off! Smile & go try something new. Start investing time in yourself. Husbands can leave.. children will grow up & leave. You’ve given them all of yourself!! DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT MAKING TIME FOR YOURSELF!! Try a new hobby or skill. Reach out to someone to start a new friendship. All woman go through this so be an encouragement, an inspirational, to someone else while helping yourself through the pain of feeling invisible, forgotten, & unimportant ❤️❤️
You obviously know nothing of how depression works.
Caroline Spector exactly if it was that easy.
Caroline Spector I believe you misinterpret my meaning… you don’t know me or what I’ve been through. I offered a perspective.
As a chronically depressed woman, it is great advice. When I’m having bad days I may not be able to implement it or even recognize it- but it’s still a great focus and one I’m working on
Patricia Colburn I never said “ shake it off” totally misunderstood my post!
Just wow.
Are you OK?
Yes. Thank you.
Colleen Cannioto This is interesting. The comments even moreso.