I know a lot of folks who roll their eyes at any discussion of the Golden Bachelor, saying, “What did you expect? It’s a fake reality show! “

But somehow this brand-new Golden spinoff—featuring Gerry Turner, a handsome Midwestern weeping widower with exceptional listening skills, who claimed he hadn’t dated in more than 45 years—promised to be a very different, even elevated, experience.

Somehow this brand-new Golden spinoff promised to be a very different, even elevated, experience.

And the cast of attractive, accomplished women in their 60s and 70s, bonding over all they’d been through in life also pointed to something deeper than the usual mean girls’ hijinks or thoughts about pickleball. 

They were honest on camera about having full lives yet yearning for attention and touch, a previously unexplored territory on network prime time TV.

A ratings bonanza for ABC, breathing new life into the previously dying Bachelor franchise, Golden became the talk of pop culture for its breakthrough portrayal of senior sex and sexy seniors.

I, cynic that I am, bought into the premise hook, line, and sinker (despite the creepy one man-to-22 women ratio.)

Read More: The Golden Bachelor: For Better and, Sadly, For Worse

Tarnished Gold

Still, full disclosure, I wrote a piece for the Hollywood Reporter with my colleague writer/reporter Suzanne O’Malley, unmasking the many  “inconsistencies” (aka lies) in Gerry’s narrative (including the “retired restaurateur” bit.) We featured an interview with one of Gerry’s previous live-in girlfriends (there were several) in the six years between his wife’s death and the GB show. (Throughout the show, he protested that he hadn’t dated in 45 years, nor been kissed in six.)

It was hard to view the wedding with anything but feelings of doom.

In the case of the woman we called “Carolyn,” he initiated a date one month after his wife’s death, and persisted in getting her to give up her life in Iowa and move in with him in Indiana.

She lived with him for almost two years; he charged her rent, made her pay her half of restaurant bills in advance so he could look like the big man, paying. and ended up kicking her out in a cruel way.

Having seen the texts and literal receipts for all this, it was hard to view the wedding with anything but feelings of doom.

I was hoping that Theresa would be a runaway bride.

Runaway Bride? We Could Only Hope

But despite looking like she was in a hostage tape when questions about the Hollywood Reporter piece came up during interviews, Theresa was gung-ho about the proceedings. “I can’t get married fast enough!” she said.

The excitement was not palpable.

So where do we begin in reviewing The Golden Bachelor’s not-so-golden wedding production?  Well, when Gerry proposed after knowing Theresa for less than four weeks, most of that time on camera, it was at the end of the summer. The big prime time wedding came four months later. It showed.

The excitement was not palpable. It seemed chaotic, poorly lit, and endless in the 1.5 hours it took to get to the altar. The kiss came in with 18 minutes to go and was far less dramatic than the one that the couple exchanged at a press event in New York City, when they leaned backwards and Theresa raised her leg in the air, like Lois Lane kissing Superman.

Certainly, the bipolar swings between saccharine/cloying (the words “honor and integrity” came up about Gerry) and raunchy (Theresa’s icky bachelorette party with Chippendale’s dancers and “boudoir photos”) are a weird combination.

What Kind of Wedding Should People in Their 70s Have?

Of course, the concept of what people in their ‘70s should do for their wedding is rarely discussed and hardly written in stone—it’s totally up to them. But here again they could have broken new ground. But it seemed the DNA of all the past Bachelor episodes emerged in this event, so disappointing for hopeful seniors.

Granted, Theresa had to choose among the gowns that the Bachelor house designers Badgely Mischka brought for her. She picked something big and fussy, although it was supposed to be sexy, that overwhelmed her tiny frame.

It sported a trumpet skirt, ironically like the one the original Barbie doll wore.

I pictured her in something more sophisticated, like a white knee-length dress with her hair in an updo set off by a pretty flower or headband accessory.

She also wore her long hair down under a long veil, which she kept on the entire time, a look that partially obscured her face and swamped her. I pictured her in something more sophisticated, like a white knee-length dress with her hair in an updo set off by a pretty flower or headband accessory.

Whereas her getup looked like it was from the ’70s, back when she had to have a rushed marriage in her basement before her fiance was shipped off to Viet Nam.

But something about the cover of the serious veil suggests a virginal bride. It ties into earlier 20^th century visions of your wedding being the most important day in your life.  

And obviously, Theresa is a successful financial professional with a lovely family who’s had lots of interesting life experiences.

In this house brand gear, I got zero sense of the light in her eyes that Gerry talks about (he especially likes how she looks at him, natch.) There was no sense of her lively personality, individuality, or how good she usually looks in her own make up and wardrobe.

I got visions of a ghost bride.

As for GerBear, as his daughter calls him, the wedding highlighted how different he looks without the golden tan and blonde highlights that the show originally provided for him. He seemed pale, spike haired, and tired.

The Wedding Party (Poopers)

The endless pre-ceremony cocktail party had a very loosely produced Covid-era vibe, even though it was wildly overpopulated by many past winners in the Bachelor Nation. Bachelorette contestant and Bachelor in Paradise villain Brayden Bowers, wearing a leather cowboy hat and shoulder length feathered earrings, proposed to his latest girlfriend, brash Bachelor competitor Christina Mandrell (niece of Barbara Mandrell) live on camera at The Golden Wedding! Talk about milking it. Yuck.

It seemed that everyone was trying to extend their 15 minutes.

It also featured many of the “ladies” from the show as impromptu hosts. Much was made of Kathy’s famous “zip it” line, said in anger to Theresa about being too smug and braggy about her closeness with Gerry. Kathy ended up appearing in a beaded dress with a mic in her hand, getting a lot of airtime interviewing guests. She wasn’t half-bad, but hardly prime-time ready. It seemed that everyone was trying to extend their 15 minutes.

Susan, the warmhearted Kris Jenner-lookalike who owns an officiant business, presided at the altar, offering a “warm-up” of bits about herself for at least five minutes. Maybe it would have come off better if we hadn’t waited 17 hours for the ceremony.

The Brave Runner Up

The True Grit award goes to runner-up Leslie Fhima, the dancer who dated Prince, and shared a night with Gerry in the “Fantasy Suites” the night before he spent with Theresa.

Leslie later said the felt “bamboozled” by Gerry when he slept with her, told her he loved her and that she was the one.

The Batch Sisters grabbed at the bouquet so hard the flowers literally were pulled to pieces.

For that reason, fans wondered whether she’d even show to the wedding. But show she did, looking especially spectacular, despite having posted a video to social media a few days before the nuptials showing her spending her 65^th birthday in the hospital, getting surgery for a bowel blockage.

You can’t make this shit up.

At the end of the ceremony, the Batch Sisters were excited for the bouquet throw. They went at it like wrestlers, grabbing so hard for it that the flowers literally were pulled to pieces and exploded. Still, three of them proudly took home their trophy portions.

Product Placement Anyone?

Then, the idea that Theresa and Gerry would endlessly plug an Amazon “registry” came as a shocker. Most people in their 70s are trying to get rid of stuff, not signing up for a huge array of new domestic gifts.

And though it was hard to get straight, it seems that their desired items were “suggestions” to inspire people for their own weddings and the ones they attend, but also to serve as a guide for their guests. Champagne glasses were plugged on Theresa’s aforementioned bachelorette party, before the lap dances and nearly-naked boudoir pics, when “the girls” gifted her with the package that clearly read “Amazon.”

Once I got this through my brain, I hoped that at least a portion of the profits would go to charity, but, nope.

Still, if anyone wants to go in on a long-range meat thermometer for Ther and Ger you know where to reach me.

Read More: The Golden Bachelor Gets His Woman. What is She Getting?