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Gray Divorce Statistics: What We’re Really Thinking About the Shocking Epidemic

Our article on boomer marriages dissolving at double the usual rate got the Tribe talking. Come listen in.

The stats are stunning and so too was the reaction among our Tribe.

NextTribe recently reported on how the divorce rate among women our age is rising—shockingly so. Our recent article noted that, “Among U.S. adults ages 50 and older, the divorce rate has doubled since the 1990s, according to the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, while divorce rates for those in their 20s and 30s has dropped 21 percent. What’s more, 66 percent of Boomers said they would prefer divorce to an unhappy marriage, compared with 44 percent of younger Americans.”

Those stats are stunning and so too was the reaction among our Tribe to the article. We received close to 200 comments (and counting!) from women sharing their experiences—good and bad—and supporting one another.

You Said No Thanks to Being Unhappily (or Even Indifferently) Married

While our report ended with tactics for preserving and improving a long-standing marriage, for many of you, that wasn’t the goal. One sentiment we heard—loud and clear—is that being unhappily married, or even what we might call indifferently married—pales in comparison to the excitement, energy and contentment many women feel when striking out on their own at midlife. Listen to some of the comments here:

“Divorce is not the end of world but a new life, new journey, and a new beginning. Never settle for anyone who does not meet your standards.”

“I left my husband after 31 years of marriage. Through counseling I came to the realization I did not have to spend the remainder of my life unhappy. I lost nearly everything in the divorce, but I found my dignity and am happier than I have been in years.”

“My ex left me for a woman 20 years my junior just as our daughters graduated from high school. Since then I have travelled more, taken up new hobbies and started dating again. I love my new found freedom and am thrilled to be uncoupled from an uncaring, bitter old man!”

“Hanging on to dead marriages just because? Why? In the 50s age groups? It’s now or never. Still young enough to get a second chance to be happy with someone else for the rest of our lives.”

“And ‘a second chance to be happy’ doesn’t necessarily imply ‘in a relationship.’”

“Divorce is not the end of world but a new life, new journey, and a new beginning. Never settle for anyone who does not meet your standards.”

“I love the freedom of doing my own thing, not being answerable to anyone for my choices.”

“I’m 60 and have been divorced for three years. I’m now a student, a teacher, and an athlete. I absolutely love my new life!”

You Are Rethinking an Old Ritual

Sure, there were stories of marriages that aged well and became more precious over time. Said one wise woman, “A truly successful couple is not 50/50 and two halves of a whole. It’s 100/100. It’s two fully formed, whole, strong, independent people who respect and value each other as human beings and as sexual beings. Not just as parents or roommates or buddies. They treasure all the good things being with that person adds to their life.”

Sure, there were stories of marriages that aged well and became more precious over time.

Clearly, times are changing. Our parents were told that marriage was “Till death do us part.” The notion of sticking with an unsatisfying marriage because “You made your bed, now lie in it” was prevalent.

No more. Now, we are going to search for our bliss, without a doubt. As one woman shared, “I’d never have grown as a woman as I’ve done (if I had stayed married). I love the freedom of doing my own thing, not being answerable to anyone for my choices. “

Another confessed that she too was wondering if her path ahead was solo: “I haven’t felt attracted to (my husband) in years. I respect him but I want to try to find someone with whom I can enjoy being with emotionally and physically.”

We’re Putting It in Perspective

What we heard from our Tribe seems to reflect a movement in our culture. Of course, there are plenty of women in good marriages at midlife…or in unions that they are hell-bent on improving. But we’re sensing an uptick in the “I’m ready to be out there on my own” vibe.

“Women have often achieved a lot in terms of education and their careers, which can be a tremendous factor in enabling their decision.”

“There seem to be more women who are ready for a change, without as much sadness or bitterness as I see in younger couples,” observes New York-based divorce mediator and attorney Susan Ingram. “In what’s known as Gray Divorce, the women have often achieved a lot in terms of education and their careers, which can be a tremendous factor in enabling their decision. They also know they have many years ahead of them as the life expectancy continues to rise. They want those years to be spent happily and meaningfully – they often have a very clear vision for that.”

Figuring out whether to work on a marriage or withdraw from it is of course a hugely personal decision. What we learned from your comments on our article is that NextTribe women don’t shy from the hard stuff in life—nor from supporting one another when times are tough.

By Janet Siroto

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