For decades, I dyed my hair to cover the gray without ever questioning it. I can’t remember exactly when I started, but I was an editor for a magazine in New York City and lucky to look young for my age. Letting my hair go gray would surely spoil the illusion. Wasn’t it career suicide for women in media to be old? Plastic surgery was never in the cards for me, but dyeing my hair… of course!
Over the next few decades, life changes rolled over me—divorce, longtime career yanked out from under me, adult sons still finding themselves. I wondered, Is there anything in my life that I have control over? I already make my own pickles; what else can I do that’s entirely my call, with no one to stop me?
My Turning (Gray) Point
The author before she started letting her gray grow in. Photo credit: Matthew Williams
I can date my decision to the day: October 10, 2017, after reading a New York Times article entitled “Working to Disarm Women’s Anti-Aging Demon.” Writing about age-based discrimination, Ashton Applewhite (who is on NextTribe’s advisory board) addressed the subject of women dyeing their hair instead of going gray. Her article, along with a photo of Frances McDormand looking all gray and sassy, struck a chord.
Aging is harder for women, Applewhite pointed out (oh really?). “Trying to pass for younger is like a gay person trying to pass for straight or a person of color for white,” she wrote. “These behaviors are rooted in shame over something that shouldn’t be shameful. And they give a pass to the underlying discrimination that makes them necessary.” She continued: “For movements to have power, their members have to embrace the thing that is stigmatized. That means moving from denying aging to accepting it, and even to embracing it.”
`Let the roots grow out until you can’t stand it anymore and then go to the hairdresser for lowlights,’ my friend told me.
See why I was swayed? Admittedly I was already on the fence, but this article pushed me over, and I have Applewhite to thank for it.
I’d had my hair colored on September 3, 2017: that would be the last time. In mid-October, with roots showing, I tentatively revealed my decision to my friend Cara in an email: “I’m seriously thinking of letting my hair go gray. Kinda curious to see how it would look. And I can always go back!”
Cara, who rocks her silver mane like nobody’s business—and it isn’t!—gave me all the advice I needed. “Go for it!,” she wrote. “It took me about a year and a half to transition. Let the roots grow out until you can’t stand it anymore and then go to the hairdresser for lowlights—dark streaks added to blend in the white bits. At each visit I’d have a bit of the dyed stuff cut off the bottom. Maybe you’re braver than me and will go shorter quicker.”
Finding My Gray Gang
Cara’s other tip: Join the Facebook page Gray and Proud, which started in 2008 and now has 17,000 members, mostly women, need I say. Its motto: “Those aren’t gray hairs. They are strands of glitter.” It’s a great online support system and an endless source of advice.
`Those aren’t gray hairs. They are strands of glitter.’ That’s the motto of a Facebook support group.
Other friends reacted less positively. “Why would you do that? You’ll look way older,” some said. Most of those were women who held or had held high-powered jobs—and colored their hair. One told me I’d only look good if I always wore makeup and bright colors. I have noticed that gray tops don’t cut it anymore.
Friends who’d already let their hair go gray were, no surprise, totally supportive.
In November I returned to Carpio, my nice hairdresser, for a trim. When I broke the news he didn’t try to talk me out of it, but he warned that it would take two years to grow out. I was doubtful, but I now suspect he’s right.
My Salon Secret
The author in her current transitional phase. Photo credit: Caren Sturmer
Then I booked an appointment with my friend Susan’s colorist at Devachan salon. Larry understood exactly what I wanted and set to work, brushing in dark streaks that blurred the line where my roots were showing. Once he was done, I wasn’t sure. “It looks like he set me back!” I said to friends; a lot of my hard-earned gray seemed to have been covered over.
As it turns out, Larry knew what he was doing. In fact, he did such an awesome job that even seven months later I don’t feel I need more lowlights. The area where silver meets brown has an ombré look that seems almost natural. And whatever, my head looks just fine to me—and that’s what matters!
For years I lived with the dread of roots starting to show within weeks of a salon visit. Today I find it liberating—and still surprising—that I feel comfortable going out in public with not just a measly quarter-inch of roots, but a good four inches! And while I can admire photos of women on Gray & Proud with their “pixie cuts,” I’m in no hurry for a big chop. I’ve had shoulder-length hair for too long (and besides, big ears).
As a feminist, I had to think about why I didn’t have the confidence earlier to say the heck with conforming to some external standard of youth and beauty.
I don’t miss squandering two hours at the salon every seven weeks, as I once did. Nor do I miss that discomfort—my scalp was super-sensitive after the dye was applied, and the wash, comb-out, and blow-dry were somewhat torture. I don’t miss the money spent. My friend Carpio? I can still see him for cuts.
But it’s not just about the waste of time and money. I’ve considered myself a feminist ever since I helped start a consciousness-raising group as a student in the ‘70s. So why didn’t I have the confidence—or the consciousness—to say the heck with dyeing my hair to conform to some external standard of youth and beauty? To me, getting in touch with my roots feels like accessing my authentic self—even if my authentic self has hair that’s a totally different color than back in the day.
And, actually, the different color is part of the fun. I still don’t know how my head will look once all the dye is gone. I’m hoping for the streaky silver or “skunk stripe” I’ve seen on friends. Or Susan Sontag’s shock of white.
The Silver Sisterhood
Whenever I’m asked why I’m letting my hair go gray, and people do ask, I say I realized I don’t care what color my hair is—or what anyone else thinks about it. I’m not trying to convince others to follow this road. It’s a personal choice, and I don’t judge anyone for coloring her hair. But I do cheer on those I see transitioning like I am—I’ll nod to a stranger I pass on the street, and I appreciate anyone who does the same to me.
It’s a personal choice, and I don’t judge anyone for coloring her hair.
I also appreciate all those supporting me with advice: Diane, who helped me choose the perfect transition eyeglasses; my fine sons for not complaining that their mom looks “old”; Khristi, who suggested I keep my eyebrows dark so my face won’t look washed out; and many more.
Here’s another silver lining: Though my hair is still a work in progress, I’m already finding it easier to get a seat on the subway. And when I see someone standing who’s visibly in my age group, I don’t feel guilty about not getting up.
The last and maybe best benefit is the kick I get whenever I catch my reflection in a mirror—because I’m loving this adventure.
Further Reading
Silver Hair: Say Goodbye to the Dye and Let Your Natural Light Shine: A Handbook
Gray Hair Adventure: Things I Learned About Life When I Stopped Dyeing My Hair
To each her own, however, I’ve been a stylist for 37 years, grow out your grey BUT only if you wanna 10-15 years older! As for me 56, I’m grey underneath, but you’d never know, mines lavender and I love it!
Being older isn’t one of those things I fear or avoid… I’m 60 and love my white hair.
Becky Bettker, how can you tell women “ each her own” grow out their gray, and in the same breath tell them if they do they will look old? That’s insulting, rude and completely untrue. None of these women appear to look old to me, they are actually fabulous women embracing who they are and their natural beauty.
#EmbraceYourGrayLadies
Terrea Nelson READ! I’ve been a hairdresser for 37 years, were you thinking you know more about the subject of growing out grey hair more than me? I have helped my clients who don’t want to color their hair anymore grow it out. It’s bitch of a process, check the photos of the horrendous four inch roots on the author of the article! It’s not “rude, OR insulting” to be completely honest. I don’t harp on it with my clients, but if they ask me I will be COMPLETELY HONEST! YES you ABSOLUTELY WILL LOOK MUCH OLDER!!!! FACT! Some of… Read more »
I find it funny that someone with purple hair is taking it upon herself to tell people with silver,grey,white hair that they don’t look as good as they could. Becky, you did say you will look 10- 15 years older, so don’t jump on Terrea. When you judge, you can insult. Not everyone looks old with silver hair. If you had just talked about how hard it is to grow out dyed hair, you would have been fine. But you decided to judge people on their looks because of their hair color. When I see older people with no gray… Read more »
Becky Bettker why are you getting your boxers in a twist and being so rude and condescending? I wasn’t rude to you. I simply stated that the women posting pics didn’t “look 10-15 years older” as you suggested. If you like your purple hair, I love it. I like my gray and will embrace it, but I’m not going to sit here and go back and forth with you about how good or bad you are as a hairdresser. I’ve never seen your work and can’t speak on it. I seriously doubt there is a bias against “older” women in… Read more »
Marsha Greenberg Underhill you are 100% correct in your thoughts as well. When I see an elderly woman in her late 70’s-80’s with dark hair, she doesn’t appear to look as well as if she had embraced her own natural beauty and allowed her self to age gracefully. The darker colors are so harsh on the aging skin tones and can make one appear older than the natural beauty of her own hair color. Simple as that.
Marsha Greenberg Underhill I don’t know why Becky thinks purple looks younger than gray. Terrea Nelson is correct about the darker colors on aging skin. I had a client in her 80’s who kept her hair dyed black–terrible! Both skin and hair pigmentation changes as you age. Relax and let it happen. (I am 72, and love the “sparkles” in my hair.)
Terrea Nelson , once again a HAIRDRESSER knows there is a HUGE difference between coloring your hair a ‘natural’ looking tone for your age and skin tone, and being 80 and dying your hair black. No bias against older women, 🤦♀️😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Karen Ayers Clark wow, cause I’m in the ‘industry’ purple is actually a hot trend for ‘older women’ but maybe you two would like to let us all know we’re not being true to ourselves by wearing it!😂😂😂😂 one of my best friends, one year older, wears her natural (grey) color, people have mistaken her for my mom! But I’m probably wrong, that’s why 95% of all professional females in the U.S. color their hair. 😉
Susan Sarandon aged 71
Becky Bettker , ummmm, this example of Susan Sarandon, the make up or lack there of, the frumpiness, she’s playing a part in a movie. They want her to look like this. The only problem we have with your statement is you’ve made it an absolute, not an opinion. You’ve said women, not some women, you’re not taking anything else into consideration, just their hair color. That, Becky, is ridiculous. There are also women who color their hair, wear way too much make-up, dress like a slob, or dress like a youngster wanna-be, too much jewelry…..Tammy Faye Baker for example… Read more »
Oh, I didn’t get it before. She’s a hairdresser, one of millions of hairdressers, so she has to be correct. We’re not hairdressers, therefore we cannot disagree with someone in “the industry”. What an ego.
Touché
Marsha Greenberg Underhill one of millions of hairdressers who won’t be raking in the $$$ that they charge for color! Remember our gain is their loss of revenue! Pretty transparent.
Pam Kenney , correct!
Becky Bettker Following a “hot trend” is not my priority. It is not my intent to be argumentative, but please don’t be dismissive of those whose value system differs from yours.
Karen Ayers Clark likewise muggles!
Becky Bettker , you’re purposely not getting what we’re saying to you, Becky. You’re stating what you believe to be fact- you will look 10-15 years older. See, that’s your opinion. If you don’t understand, then that’s on you and it’s sad. Everything is not black and white, there is plenty of gray (pun not intended). Being a professional, you should also know that going gray is/was fashionable and in the magazines recently- and by that, I mean dying your hair gray- on purpose. But being in the profession, you should have known that. I believe we’re all done here,… Read more »
Marsha Greenberg Underhill aaaaaaaaaand that’s your OPINION. You don’t know me, you don’t know how successful I am, that my clients have followed me for decades, many are grey now. As I said, I have helped some them grow out their grey. Some women do look great grey, especially those blessed few with truly white hair. Like the woman who posted her photo in this thread. And yes of course I DO know grey trend, which for millennial by the way! I just think it’s hysterical that you all think you know so much more about grey and hair color… Read more »
Becky Bettker you need professional help😂😂😂
Terrea Nelson seriously Terra give a rest already, get a life, move on
Becky Bettker , your last comment is completely opposite of what you said in your first comment. Your last comment said people can look amazing with natural hair. That’s what we’ve been telling you! Jeez! None of us even mentioned about growing out colored hair, said anything about applying, removing, anything about dying hair. We never claimed to know absolutely ANYTHING about dyed hair, dying hair, hair care, cutting, knowledge of anything a beautician does. ALL WE FRICKIN SAID IS THAT WHEN YOU SAID, AS A BLANKET STATEMENT, THAT GRAY HAIR MAKES YOU LOOK 10-15 YEARS OLDER, YOU WERE WRONG… Read more »
Becky Bettker you have got to be kidding me! Of all people YOU tell ME to get a life😂😂😂 that’s rich!
You “left the group” so now you’re trolling 🤔 Good one 😂👍🏼
Nope, not “trolling” your relentless comments keep showing up on my notifications board, see, that’s how FB works. So go ahead keep posting, I’ll keep replying, or, you can just stop and we both won’t have to hear from each other any more. 😘
64 and not going gracefully into the abyss.
Got tired of the time/expense involved in highlighting, so a # of years ago my fabulous hairdresser spent 6-9 months helping me to grow it out gradually. Think I look pretty darn good for almost 67!
Fabulous!! Next time we have a Hooray for Gray promotion, you’ll have to enter.
Love it.
Lovely color!
Absofrigginlutely!
Plus you have beautiful hair!
Joanne Rugg Thank you 😊
Jodi Hiland, this is about you!
I love my silver, and my stylist is amazing, and loves it too. Rock your natural hair ladies!
Stylist always say don’t do it.
Of course they do Pam Haralson Emery. They want your business
Love my gray. It’s freeing.
I am 57 and it’s been over three years since I ditched the color. I find it very liberating. I haven’t cut in in that time either. Today my 4 year old grandaughter told me that I have, “glitter hair like a unicorn”. ❤
That’s beautiful. Glitter hair!!
Doing it now
I haven’t dyed my hair in 10-15 years and get tons of compliments on my grey.
My daughter is a stylist, she color corrected my hair so I didn’t have to cut it short. It’s so freeing! Megan Allen is at the Vanity Spot if you want this or any color and are in Austin TX!
Never! Can’t do it
When I turn 60!!!
Took me a year to grow out. My stylist was great – lots of haircuts and pep talks. My hair is so healthy and I don’t miss all the time/money of upkeep. It was resisting the color anyway. I’m almost 50 and have my skunk streak. No regrets!
Never.
My grey washes me out!Maybe much later.
59 . . . all natural and ready for 60
Pretty
Paula Tabke Ensz share with Susan!!
Quit coloring mine. Loving it! Just turned 60.
Gorgeous❤️
I transitioned a few years ago. I love it, and so do strangers, friends and family. 🙂
Gorgeous!
Beautiful!
Love it ❤️
I’m a year into going natural and I love it. Just takes patience.
I started going lighter with my red a few years ago. Eventually I was blond. Then switched to highlights. I cut my hair short and have not colored in six months. I like my gray hair.
I did it buzzed my hair to get rid of all dye. Start over. I’m almost completely Gray. The more I see it the more I love it.
Yes! I love my natural silver/ gray/ light brown mix.
I’m nearly there, I’ll wait for you to do it first! ♀️
I love my grays. They sparkle!
Nope. No way. Nada
Do it! You won’t regret it
Sorry but hair dye never really looks natural. Stopped dyeing mine about 9 years ago and have never looked back. My stylist did the low lights to ease the process.
Never have dyed mine!
Quit dyeing just over two years ago. Was a little stressful as my two daughters got married during that time, but my stylist did a great job of giving me a silver wash for the weddings. Now I am all grey and I love it. I get compliments all the time and people ask if there are highlights but it’s just the way it grows. Love being free from the monthly dye job.
No, I don’t. Not yet, only because I get streaks of grey which I hate. Until I get a full head of grey I will give up on dying my hair
Not me
My hairstylist who is my age and also colors her grey told me that going grey was giving up! She was right I gave up ….the cost of color, I gave up all that time in a chair when I could be having coffee with my husband or a friend. But I am thrilled I did it! And that same hairstylist did an awesome job with my lowlights and blending…it literally took only 6-7 months before I could stop coloring completely. I was actually shocked about how my grey is coming in..it’s not all over and there’s actually lots of… Read more »
Wow, this is great—my people, the silver women! I wrote “The Story of my Hair” for my blog and I hope It will resonate with the tribe: https://barrielevine.com/the-story-of-her-hair/
Embracing the gray daily
I did. My stylist hated it. Said it didn’t work with my complexion. People gave me funny looks because the age signals were off. When I decided to accept a new career, I let my stylist choose a color. I have to admit it took off a decade or more.
NO!
I actually want to go white with rainbow colors throughout. I am a tye-dye girl.
I don’t have a choice in the matter. I’m allergic to hair dye. I guess I find it odd that so many would invest so much angst in hair color, for me it just is what it is, not something I have control over.
And Susan Wise, I thought your hair was beautiful when you let it be natural.
Thank you, Tam! Someday I’ll go there again.
You are lovely Tam. Funny, I don’t picture you as having gray. L
I’ve had a gray streak since I was 27, and now it’s beginning to spread. I am also blessed with a husband who tells me it looks sexy.
You look good!
I quit coloring my hair 2 years ago.
Grew it out. Cut it off.
Now Im growing out as long as I can so that I’ll have enough for a nice wig donation.
Best thing I’ve ever done!
I just recolored one of those clients. “I know it sounds petty, but I couldn’t deal with the way people treated me. It was almost like I was . . .” She searched for the word. “Invisible” I said. Yes. It totally sucks, but our current, flawed society isn’t advanced enough yet to treat older women well. I’ll take any trick in the box to make my clients’ lives better.
You are only invisible if you let yourself be. Been gradually going gray for nearly 20 years, since my mid-40’s.
I did it, and I love it! I get lots of complements on my natural hair!
Finally fashion is catching up with me!
I went gray 19 years ago when it grew back after being bald from chemo. Glad to have hair.
Mixed feelings on this – good with the grey, not fond of the texture as it changes, really love my original hair color, so still debating.
I did! I’m 100% natural, have been for many years. Best decision!
I love my gray hair. And I’m free from long, expensive appointments at the salon.
Me too!
I stopped coloring 10 months ago and love it!