Editor’s Note: We published this story about coping with a newly retired spouse a year ago. It’s written by one of our favorite humorists, Mary Kay Jordan Fleming. Re-reading it during this crisis when so many of us are getting more time with our spouses than we ever imagined, we thought you might relate. Stay safe and SANE!
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Four years ago, I was excited about my husband’s imminent retirement. I envisioned him cleaning the basement, repainting the house, and cooking dinner while I was at work. Now he’s retired, and I realize the odds are better that the whistling forest animals from Snow White will drop by to maintain our home.
There was no excuse for my ridiculous optimism. A quick internet search would have returned hundreds of hits promising “constant clinging” and “unhappily ever after.” One article warned that retirees must “find reasons to be kind to one another” lest we deteriorate into fisticuffs.
I get it.
A Lot Less Money, a Lot More Husband
I married the strong, silent type—an introvert like me who disliked small talk. For 30 plus years, our marriage thrived without spending much time on the weather or the comings and goings of wildlife in the backyard. Were my husband’s colleagues taking up this slack at the water cooler, or did he save up all those words for that many years?
Without coworkers or children at home, I am left alone to absorb all of him. When he exhausts conversation about the vagaries of mail delivery and such, attention turns to more pressing matters like bodily functions. Yesterday, he exited the bathroom boasting that his visit was “a testament to the capacity of the human colon.” Now I have to google How to gouge out my mind’s eye.
Not all conversations are quite so profound. The hubby devotes considerable time to hollering Why am I here? when aiming to retrieve something from the basement—a question that is not as metaphysical as it sounds.
My brother-in-law’s wife and I regularly conspire to get the boys out of the house for breakfast or lunch dates. Without that, we’d be reduced to advertising on Craigslist to sell the recliners out from under them.
Adjusting to retirement income requires careful planning, which, in my husband’s case, consisted of deciding to never leave the house. This strategy yields savings on gasoline and car maintenance, vacation travel, and new clothing. As I write, he is sporting a button-down shirt that is so frayed at the top edge it is being held in place only by two tiny buttons. I would throw it away but someone told him about Marie Kondo and now he walks around claiming that this ratty possession “sparks joy.”
Read More: 11 Ways to Get Through Coronavirus at Home
In Sickness and in Health
Every spouse promises fidelity in good times and robust health, but long-term marriage tests your mettle about the other marital promises. Perhaps retirees need renewal ceremonies asking whether we’re willing to be driven crazy by things other than desire and to listen to drivel without ripping our own ears off.
Wedding vows should definitely expound on the “sickness” pledge. I’m not talking about the heroic grace and fortitude that long-term partners call forth during life-threatening illnesses. [Editor’s note: or if spouse was sick with coronavirus.] I’m talking about the dramatic convalescence accompanying hangnails and man-colds. My friend’s retired mate contracted the flu recently and declared himself out of commission for two weeks. It’s been three weeks and he’s still not “out of the woods.” We think he might stay there.
My beloved is plagued by dry skin despite wearing protective gloves for every activity from washing dishes to gardening. Every now and then the skin on his thumb will appear to crack open one nanometer if viewed under high-power microscopy. This urgent situation calls for triple-antibiotic creams and bandages for weeks on end as a defensive measure against the harsh winters of the temperate Midwest. When asked to perform some task with the bandaged digit, the hubby holds it aloft and claims it’s still “acting up.” No one doubts the acting.
Occasionally, we break the homefront monotony by eating out with other retired friends. This experience has taught me that retirees, who theoretically have all the time in the world to wait in line, are the most impatient people on Earth. Traffic and restaurant delays are deal-breakers. To avoid this, my brother-in-law insists on eating dinner precisely at 5:15. This time may not be convenient, but, trust me, it beats the alternative: my kitchen table. Again.
Spiritual Support
There are times in a marriage—caring for sleepless newborns and chasing rambunctious toddlers come to mind—when we yearn for “couple time” alone with our spouses. Let me assure you, retirement is not one of those times. To cope, I sometimes turn to Scripture for strength, including St. Paul’s letter to the Corinthians read at our wedding 35 years ago.
Love is patient, love is kind … Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love never fails.
Was Paul married? He must not have been retired at the time. I’d like to hear his wife’s version of love. I suspect that, at least occasionally, she sent Paul off to confront some wayward Galatians or Colossians just to get some peace and quiet.
Read More: Eco-Friendly Residential Communities Are the Way of the Future (and Our Retirement)
Test Your Readiness for Spousal Retirement
Curious about your tolerance for having a spouse underfoot every day? Try these simple questions to assess your preparedness for the golden years.
- Are you willing to abandon all hope for home improvement? Burn your wish list as a sign of good faith.
- Do you like potted plants, stationary bikes, and things that never go anywhere?
- Do you secretly wish someone would surveil the neighborhood and report who parks too close to the mailbox, what neighbors are doing in their own yards, and which dogs are urinating on your grass?
- Are you willing to celebrate your mate’s daily triumphs like finding a pull-through parking place or being the first in the neighborhood to retrieve the curbside recycle bin?
- Have you mastered the art of floating outside your body when someone regales you with the longest possible version of a conversation with a grocery store manager about the lack of half-and-half?
- Do you like having the newspaper read to you? Do you enjoy loud commentaries during news broadcasts?
- Most importantly, do you have girlfriends who will save your life by going out to lunch to commiserate, remind you of your blessings, and prevent you from committing a felony?
A version of this piece was originally published in March 2019.
Mary says
I found this article while searching for help. I am disabled but had a business selling my art plus all the home responsibilities. Then he retired !
God, the money used for his hobbies he never does. He will do the yard and help me with the household chores. He nags at me to get off my feet. Yet, at breakfast, he asks, “ What’s for supper ?” I am sick of his political rants and how many dog poops he picks up. Worse yet, he is drinking rum and coke more often and I hate that drunk man !
I swear, I want to die. Sometimes I believe I have died and am living in Hell.
God please help us wives !
Patricia McDaniel says
Husband almost retired. adult son 39- living with us for months… it is hard! They are buddies. I give up on dinner. I don’t get any feedback as to whether they are eating or not.. lots of stress here.. I’m retired.. and tired..
Mary Kay Fleming says
Sometimes I dream of building myself a treehouse (“no boys allowed”) out back, Patricia. Keep the faith, and thanks for reading!
Patricia McDaniel says
Thank you.. it’s no better… husband and son are best buds…
Lots of tension… and my brother gave me a new puppy!!
Who does that??? Argh….
Janet Gramlich says
I loved your article and all the comments that followed. I’m so glad I’m not alone here. My husband is 76 and I am 72. He had a great part time job until COVD hit. He has been home 24/7 since March 8, 2020. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment with 3 cats. I have no place to hide to get some alone time. I can’t go to the store without him going with me. My husband is a good guy; good husband. But, he can get very quiet and the next thing I know, he has crawled into his shell and closes me out. He will go hours without saying anything and this stresses me out to a point that I think I’ve done something wrong and work myself up to an upset stomach. Today he is bored! He has no hobbies. He never wants to do anything. Thank God he goes out every evening and feeds the feral cats behind our apartment complex. For an hour I get to enjoy peace and quite.
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
You are definitely not alone, Janet. Here’s hoping the hubby discovers feral cats in other communities and extends his evening routine 😉 Thanks for reading!
Janice says
I loved this article. Am the one who encouraged my husband to retire thinking the work stress was causing his crabbiness. I thought we will take trips, walk hand in hand in the sunset, have long talks and take yoga together. Well reality hit in, he bought a OLD beat up tractor to work on , two trailers and remodeled the garage, oh and the Covid hit! Be careful what you wish for! I think women need a club of retired women who can live out their dreams together😀
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
Thanks, Janice, the club sounds wonderful. As you’ve guessed, count me IN 🙂
Laurel Gonzalez says
I remember my Aunt Nora, a professional seamstress working at home for years. Uncle Larry retired, she still had wedding ensembles, etc she worked on. He was a grump anyway. He sat around and expected her to wait on him. One day she told him, “Larry, get a job, get a hobby or we’re getting a divorce!” Uncle Larry got a part-time job, bought a travel trailer and went to the coast fishing on weekends. They lived happily ever after!
Laurel Gonzalez says
I just started drinking. Never even been a social drinker. When hubby starts ranting about the news, ranting about the neighbors, the politicians. Talks about inventing something…I pour a glass of wine, the 6% alcohol that’s sweet. Doesn’t take much to give me that warm fuzzy feeling and now I can just smile and nod. I think he’s catching on, the other morning when he started in, I looked at him and told him, “It’s too early in the morning to start drinking.” he was quiet after that….
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
Sounds like your method works, Laurel, and I doubt you’re alone 😉 Thanks for reading!
Grace Allison says
Why after thirty years of being single an independent did I take on this five-year-old (now seventy-five-year-old)? I did not know he was sick too. I have been running an assisted living center for ten years. I have written four books including a novel. I play golf with girlfriends in good weather but in winter oh my god the constant needy wining. Now, I am taking piano lessons not to go crazy. If only he would go into an assisted living center so I can get some peace.
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
Life certainly is more complicated when there are health problems, Grace, and I’m sorry you’re both dealing with this. In the meantime, good that you have some sources of relief and support. Good luck to both of you!
susette says
I am so sorry to hear he is not well. And here I am complaining about a husband home, who thank God, is well. I wish you peace, Susette
Mari-J says
Do I ever relate to this. Try managing this in a two bedroom apartment with no garage. I get out a fair amount. The only reality is that I want to clean up and do things at home. Just really frustrated with having someone here 24/7 that does not want to get involved in any outside activities. I know he is a good guy. Just never thought marriage (especially retirement) would be so all consuming. Someone should write a book about “How to Cope with Retirement”. Maybe I will check to see if there are any such books out there – or write one!
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
“All-consuming” — there’s a good word for it 😉 Love the book idea, Mari-J, go for it!
susette says
i have a kind and wonderful man. but he travelled for a living. domestic (USA) and i had two to three nights a week alone. not use to this. having a very very hard time. we moved south and im away from my adult children as well. i dont mean to complain i am happy we are well. but cannot stand him here all the time. cannot stand it.
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
I get it, Susette. There are transitions in life that require adjusting to a new reality — alone time vs. togetherness, needing care vs. giving care, etc. — and that’s hard. It doesn’t mean we wish for a different life; it just means we’re struggling. Personally, I couldn’t manage without Strategy #7 above 😉 All the best to you and thanks for reading!
Janet Gramlich says
I, too live in a 2 bedroom apartment with a retired husband and 3 cats. My husband is 76 and had a really great part time job until COVD hit. Now he has been home 24/7 since March 8, 2020. I am ready to loose my mind.
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
Definitely sounds like a challenge to finding alone-time, Janet. I was forced to buy a coffee mug that says “It’s too early for you to say things” and I point it at Hubby whenever needed. Hang in there and thanks for reading!
girlfriend says
Identify what you enjoy doing together. Some couples think they have too much togetherness now that they are retired. Sharing meaningful activities that you both enjoy reduces that tension and increases your pleasure in spending time together. Think about any new activities you wish to try on your own or with others.
Kennqueen says
I think I peed myself reading this! My spouse and I are both retired, but I have the opposite problem! I call him the shark bc he never stops moving. PROBLEM? We bought a condo with some landscaping two years ago – he,s finished the all the projects AND I CAN,T COME UP WITH ANOTHER PROJECT FOR HIM TO DO! I,m the one who wanted to retire so I could put my feet up and he wakes up every morning asking what I,m going to do today. NOTHING! Geez, leave me alone to veg! (Maybe that,s what your hubbies feel!)
Jeannie Ralston says
That’s so funny. That will be me and my husband (aka, the energizer bunny) when we retire!!
Dia says
I am so thankful that our local college offers Lifelong Learning classes that get my hubby out of the house fairly frequently. It’s worth every penny of the $110/year cost! I take classes too (different than the ones he takes) to avoid too much together time! I recommend checking out the college in your town to see if they offer a program like this.
Jeannie Ralston says
What a great idea. Thanks for suggesting.
Loretta says
I have been dealing with my husbands retirement since February 2017. I am Not retired but have a job that is very flexible. My life turned upside down when my husband retired. Chores at home for him are few and not one gets completely finished. The recliner has been changed out to a $2000 chair that is totally remote with heat and massage because his back hurts. (I am Sure the back problems are from setting in the recliner for like 17 hours a day.) Retirement is rough especially on the wife. Thank you for helping me realize all female spouses go through this. Makes my life feel a little more normal.
susette says
I took a part time job to get out and i love it. my husband is so good and a very kind man. but he says “what are we doing today?” which is nice, but i cannot always hang out. i have things to do!!! i have my phone calls, my cleaning up in the house, he needs to find a hobby. cant adjust to this i simply cannot.
Mary Kay Jordan Fleming says
Thanks for reading, Loretta. Glad the support and camaraderie help — I’m grateful for it, too!
Lauren says
I ma dreading this day!
Kate Lombardi says
Hilarious! Loved this and can relate. For better and for worse, but not for lunch!
Barbara Bauman says
Loved this article! I am 2 1/2 weeks into my husbands retirement and I already see the handwriting on the wall. I don’t have expectations of Mr Fixit nor do I have any other expectations but the biggy is having him already home when I get home. Please pray for me!
Jeannie Ralston says
Prayers coming your way. Prayers for all wives of the recently retired. Maybe there’s a patron saint for you. There should be!
Margaret Kastner says
You hit the nail on the head! Love this article. Thankfully, my husband has a hobby that takes him out of town a few times every year so he can meetup with other such hobbyists. I don’t care how much this costs — its worth it to me.
Jeannie Ralston says
So glad you have such a nice arrangement. Every retired man needs a hobby. Bonus points if it’s out of town.