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If You Give a Mom a Bowl of Oatmeal: An All-Too-True Parody

We all know the children's book "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie." Here, Andrea Askowitz recasts a harried woman in the lead--someone you'll surely recognize.

I’m heading out for a dermatology appointment, but first I’ll put my breakfast dishes in the dishwasher, because my wife gets pissed when the oatmeal hardens on the bowl. Shoot, the dishwasher is full of clean dishes. I’ll just unload it really quick. Now I have to go to the bathroom, but there’s no toilet paper. I’ll just run to the laundry room and get a new roll.

Wow, Sebastian attempted to do laundry, what a miracle, except he left the washer door open with his pants hanging out. His pants are inside out with the underwear attached. I told him a million times, no one wants to pull the dirty underwear of a 13-year-old off of pants, but I’ll just do it this once. I better check his pockets. Wrappers, wrappers, gross, holy shit. How many Heath bars can this kid eat? Better Heath than weed, I guess. Wait, no way, a whole, uneaten Heath bar is in here. I’ll hide this in the freezer to eat later. I should take out something for dinner tonight. What should we eat? Is there time to defrost these chicken wings? Let me just put them in a bowl of water, really quick.

Down the Rabbit Hole

I’m peeing in my pants because I forgot to go to the bathroom. Damn it, that “C” keeps popping off the faucet handle. If I don’t glue it now, we’ll lose it. Where is that Gorilla Glue?

Oh no, this garage is a pig sty. Why do we have six bottles of Simple Green All-Purpose Cleaner?

Oh no, this garage is a pig sty. Why do we have six bottles of Simple Green All-Purpose Cleaner? I’m just going to consolidate these Simple Greens really quick. Ugh, the glue is rock hard. Says it there on the bottle, “Bonds virtually everything.” Virtually? Why the disclaimer? This Gorilla Glue bonded itself to itself. I gotta remember to buy a new one. Let me just start a grocery list. Gorilla Glue…

I think I better order Gorilla Glue on Amazon before I forget. I know I shouldn’t shop on Amazon and instead support local, family-owned businesses, but I’m so low on time. Maybe I should get a different brand. People who buy Gorilla Glue also bought Loctite, Mitreapel, Autobond. What the hell are those? Do I need to buy all or either/or?

Let me just do a quick Google search, “How to make glue.” Hmmm. Doesn’t look too difficult but what is gum arabic? If I have to buy gum arabic, might as well just buy the Gorilla Glue. Also, who’s to say if my glue would bond virtually everything? What is Gorilla Glue anyway?

Look there, the website calls itself a family-owned business. Cool, I’m off the hook.

Okay, I’m outta here. Let me just fill up a water bottle for the road. Where are my keys? Oh, there they are, on the hook, where I always leave them so I don’t have to hunt all over the house and so I’ll always be on time.

Read More: How to Let Go of Mothering Others and Start Setting Healthy Boundaries at Midlife

By Andrea Askowitz


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