“Your person is out there somewhere!”

Those of us who are single often hear that standard reassuring statement. 

But “out there somewhere” can have lots of meanings. Especially if we are fearless travelers, we are used to going places, near and far, to have experiences.

So, why do we believe that “our person” needs to be nearby?

Long-distance dating and destination dating are two fantastic ways to meet people outside your immediate geography, especially now that we have dating apps, frequent flyer programs, and hotel points at our disposal. It can work at any age, and many women who are midlife and beyond swear by it. Come take a closer look.

Destination Dating: Traveling to Find Love

Here are my definitions: 

• DD (or destination dating): Setting your dating apps to a place you are visiting (or want to visit) with the express goal of having a date, a meal, or even a hook-up or seasonal fling. I don’t judge. Just be safe. More on that to follow.
• LDD (or long-distance dating) is the act of building a relationship with someone who lives outside your community, state, or even country.

This dating style is not for everyone. And it doesn’t have to replace local dating. 

But I’ve heard enough wonderful success stories to believe that distance doesn’t have to be an unsurmountable factor in finding your special someone—for one night or a lifetime.

In fact, NextTribe’s founder, Jeannie Ralston shared this lovely story: “When ‘working the dating apps,’ I always loved to see who was available in the cities I was visiting. I was especially serious about checking when I was in a place I loved. For instance, when I was in Colorado, I texted with a few outdoorsy guys, and I thought it would be really fun to live up in the mountains if things sparked. I went to lunch with one guy. They did not spark. But it was still fun to dream. I even texted a guy in Cusco, Peru, on a NextTribe trip, but we never met up. 

“Still, the possibility was exciting. I ended up meeting my man when visiting a friend in Connecticut. I checked the apps and saw this cute guy, an art director, who was 6 feet 5. My eyebrows shot up. I had to act fast because I was only staying the weekend with my friend. If you’re doing this destination dating, you can’t lollygag. I proposed a coffee the morning I was leaving, and he accepted.

“He was just as adorable in person as on his dating profile. I was smitten, and luckily, I didn’t live too far away. I was in New York City at the time. We had a commuter romance for about a year, and when I moved to Asheville, NC, he followed me here. It may seem complicated to date on the go, but that’s how you cast the widest net, I believe, and are more likely to end up with the juicy catch!”

I was visiting a friend in Connecticut and decided to check the dating apps in the area. I saw this cute guy, an art director, six feet five. My eyebrows shot up! I had to act fast because I was leaving soon.

Kelli Brink, a producer, author, and podcaster, is also a big fan of destination and long-distance dating. She says, “I have my own business and three kids. When I date someone long-distance, I can compartmentalize and give 100 percent of my time and attention to the man I’m seeing.” 

In short, every visit is a mini honeymoon. Those of us who have been married, divorced, or widowed often seek romance, adventure, and experiences. We function well solo, and dating someone who doesn’t live nearby gives us time for work, friends, and tedious routines. Perhaps that’s why long-distance relationships are so common and have a pretty solid success rate. Apparently, 14 million couples are long-distance relationships, and they have a success rate of 60 percent.

Although I’m talking about DD and LDD as separate activities, they have things in common. A DD has the potential to turn into an LDD and, ultimately, an LDR (long-distance relationship). Ralston’s happy story illustrates that someone may need to relocate if a relationship will last long-term.

How to Destination Date

As with all dating, you should enter this with excitement but with your eyes wide open. You may be planning a business or leisure trip to a new city, state, or country and don’t necessarily want to spend all your time solo. Bridget, a NextTribe member, even used downtime on a group trip to Santa Fe to have a few dates. “I had a bit of free time and checked my dating app,” she says, “I wound up having a couple of dates while there in between our scheduled activities. It was fun; a bit of adventure for me as I got back into dating after my husband died. I had a breakfast meet-up and a stroll around the Plaza.”

As you research hotels, restaurants, and tourist attractions, consider the dating prospects in that locale. But be clear with whoever you’re chatting with online that you are not in town for a hook-up (unless you are).

1. You’ll want to do an extra security check on prospective suitors. Ask for last names, talk a few times before meeting, and ensure a close friend knows who you’re with and where you’re going. 
2. Book your own hotel room! Even if someone invites you to stay with them, you must have your own space. It’ll give you a convenient escape plan. You may not want to reveal to your date where you’re staying until you know them well.
3. A video chat is super-important. Showing up in a new destination to find out your date looks radically different from what you anticipated can be a shock, especially if you’re seeking romance. Of course, you can’t anticipate everything about a suitor’s habits. One destination date of mine had a messy car and he hadn’t made any weekend dinner reservations for us.
4. Make your intentions clear. If you just want to tour the city, sample local cuisine or music, or simply talk to someone new and interesting, make sure you express that. If sex is definitely not on the itinerary, make that very clear too. It can be an awkward conversation, but no less awkward than someone grabbing your ass or attempting to kiss you in a desolate place far from home.
5. What do you do if the date is a dud? That’s where #2 comes in. Let your companion know that you don’t think you’re a “match” and don’t be disappointed if you have to spend free time solo. Like all dating, DD can be hit or miss. I had a date who snapped angrily when things didn’t go his way. Those things can happen close to home too, but you may feel vulnerable when you’re visiting a strange place. Have an exit strategy and, above all, preserve your own safety, peace of mind, and fun.
6. But what if you do have an amazing time? Make sure you let the other person know and invite them to come visit you next. Perhaps it’ll turn into an LTR…and them maybe a move (or not).
7. In addition to setting a location on your dating apps, you can attend Meetup activities or Time Left dinners in the city you’re visiting.

If you’re an “analog dater” (someone who doesn’t use dating apps), you can still destination date. If you have local friends in an area, ask them if they want to get together and bring along singles.

How to Long-Distance Date

I live in Arizona, but I’m comfortable with dating someone in California, Nevada, or even Colorado. I also have kids in Maryland and friends in New York. When I am on the road, I match with people in entirely different states. I don’t allow biases about areas of the country to damper my enthusiasm. After all, no one is hiring a moving truck (yet).

Some people are completely opposed to long-distance dating. As a male friend (who I happened to meet on Bumble while passing through Maryland) says, “Distance adds a level of complexity and cost to the dating process. I believe that you don’t generally need to go outside your home base to meet someone who could be right for you.”

He’s not wrong. To make a long distance relationship work, both people need to have the means, flexibility, and commitment to continue seeing each other. Regular phone calls and video chats are essential, as are specific plans to get together (either in one of your home cities or on “neutral turf).”

To make a long-distance relationship work, you both need the means, flexibility, and commitment to continue seeing each other.

As Brink says, this can add an element of excitement. But, at some point, you may be craving more from a partner. The term “DTR” means “Defining the Relationship.” This becomes especially important when you’re seeing someone miles away. 

Says Matt Caldwell, a corporate executive who has been in long-distance relationships, “You should not only DTR but also DTD and DTP (in other words, define the destination and the place of your next date.)” Learn to compromise and discuss alternatives. If you let things languish, you run the risk of drifting apart. Plus, having plans gives you both something to look forward to! 

Be patient and see how things evolve. Resist the urge to be jealous or suspicious when your partner isn’t around. You’re bound to face some issues that you wouldn’t have to deal with when dating someone who’s just a short drive away. If you’re in an LDR, make sure you have a local support system (friends, family members, etc.) who you can count on.

When the time is right, you can address longer-term plans with your partner and decide whether relocation is an option.

Destination Dating at Midlife: What’s Right for You?

Especially as we age, many different relationship styles emerge. If you’re a homebody or want a partner who is available spontaneously throughout the week, stick to your home turf. There’s no rule that you have give destination dating a try.

But if you’re a wanderluster, you can hit the road (or skies) to find your match. We’re living in a global world where your boo can be just a Facetime away when you’re lonely! And you’ll still have the rest of your time to engage with other things like friends, family, and work. Destination dating can make a business trip or travel to see friends and family that much more interesting. And if you meet someone and hit it off, see where the road takes you.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder for many people: 14 million to be exact!