After our honeymoon 37 years ago, my husband, Neil, didn’t want to travel. The farthest he’d go each summer was the East End of Long Island. That’s three to four hours by bus or car from our Manhattan home.

Neil isn’t xenophobic, nor does he hate traveling as a couple. He’s just Zen about sleeping in his own bed every chance he got because most of his four-decade career as an attorney involved business travel.

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The majority of it may have been run-of-the-mill—an overnight here, a few days there, which can take its toll. That said, some trips stand out. He once flew 11 hours to Alaska to argue before a judge for 15 minutes and then turned around and came home. There was also the endless summer when he went across the country taking depositions—leaving on Sunday nights and returning on Friday evenings.

I got to tag along when he had conferences in Southern California twice and Washington, D.C. These paled in comparison to Neil’s travels to London, Hawaii, and Puerto Rico, which I missed out on because our son, Luke, and daughter, Meg, were young and in school.

When Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Travel

Sure, I could have traveled by myself when Luke and Meg got a little older, gone with a friend, or gone alone with the kids. But I kept holding out for him to change his tune about personal travel, which had been tainted by his professional trips. Until one day, I just couldn’t wait anymore.

My mother passed away in 2023 at age 100. For the last three years of her life, I was her sole caregiver. Trust me, I needed a vacation.

Now, with more time on my hands and what she had bequeathed to me as her only child, it was time I made good on an overdue promise issued to Meg when she was in high school. We planned a tour of London, Rome, and, Paris, which we took this past summer—except instead of a girls’ trip, it evolved into a family affair.

I planned a long-promised tour of London, Rome, and Paris. My 20something daughter and I would fill our time sightseeing and shopping, we thought.

As I’m in my 60s and Meg is in her mid-20s, I thought two adult women would fill their time with sightseeing and shopping. Just as I was getting psyched about our mother/daughter holiday, Neil realized that, yes, I was actually going without him. That, and the fact that the three-week/three-city vacay I was mapping out sounded pretty amazing.

He wasn’t going to admit that perhaps he had been wrong about not wanting to travel for pleasure all these years. Instead, Neil made a big show of how he had to come with us because he wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing “Lucy and Ethel” were running around Europe unchaperoned.

My Husband’s Change of Heart

I saw through his bravado and believed that he secretly saw the trip as an opportunity to undo 40 years’ worth of his routine. Typically, he’d get off a plane, head to the hotel to drop off his bags before heading to his firm’s satellite office (or going directly to the client). This kind of travel meant living off deli platter lunches, going to restaurants or other client-dictated places that he’d never go to of his own free will, or consuming quantities of what he called “the traveling man’s dinner”: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish.

I also felt that Neil thought it would be nice to actually see a place he’d spent so many hours on a plane traveling to. Sight-seeing wasn’t on most business-trip schedules.

Time for a change: My husband’s business trips typically involved what he called the “traveling man’s dinner”: Pepperidge Farm Goldfish.

I responded to his “I have to come to Europe to keep you two out of trouble” remark by smirking as I handed him the itinerary.

Since he was now going, it seemed only fitting to invite our son Luke to make it a foursome. Because of his busy work schedule, Luke could only join us for the London leg, but we were glad to have him.

Awakening to the Joys of Traveling as a Couple

Since we started in an English-speaking country, we got our Americans-abroad sea legs pretty quickly. We went places as a group but also splintered off. “The boys” went to pubs and Abbey Road so that Neil could walk across the street like one of the Beatles. “The girls” headed to Harrods and high tea.

Neil, Meg, and I continued on to Rome where Neil was determined to see every church (FYI: there’s one on every corner). Because Italy is home to my maternal ancestors, I felt so at home there, even though I’ve never been before. I just wanted to wander come upon the sights organically. The highlight for Meg was our day trip to Positano.

The last leg of our tour was Paris, the place we were most excited to go to. And for good reason, as anyone who has ever been to this gorgeous city will attest.

Neil enjoyed the guided tours, but just exploring suited him. “Guess what I found?” he’d say on returning from a solo outing in the European cities we visited.

By the time we got home, Neil was referring to it as the trip of a lifetime. He hugged me and thanked me for planning such a beautiful adventure. Every time he told one of our relatives about our fabulous time, Neil gave all the credit to me for making it that way.

Not only had he come back happy, but he was relaxed, even more so than I’d ever seen him after a week out on Montauk. Even though Neil enjoyed the guided tours I’d set up in each country, just exploring (sometimes on his own) suited him. “Guess what I found?” he’d say upon returning from one of his outings. Then he’d want to take me back to the monument or store or whatever that a local had pointed out. I think Neil liked showing off that he had an inside track and was comfortable getting along in a foreign land.

Catching the Travel Bug

We weren’t home that long before he (with his newfound confidence) and Luke began talking about a trip to Spain and Portugal. But before that, Neil wanted to see Amsterdam, Germany, Vienna, Budapest, and Prague. So that’s where we’re going to be traveling as a couple at the start of this summer. Once again, Luke can’t join us, but he’s working on his schedule, as well as his Spanish, for the fall when Neil is determined to see a bullfight.

Watching Neil do a 180 when it comes to personal travel has been a welcome change and proof that a decades-long marriage can find a way to feel new.

Lorraine Duffy Merkl is the author of three novels, the most recent, The Last Single Woman In New York City.