When we were first married, my husband and I slept peacefully together, cuddled skin to skin, usually with our legs intertwined and my ear pressed against his chest. His heartbeat lulled me to sleep many a night, and I couldn’t imagine sleeping any other way.
By the time our children were born, sleeping together uninterrupted became a rare commodity. I was either nursing a baby, comforting a sick toddler, or watching late-night infomercials in the living room when insomnia got the best of me. When I finally did crawl into bed, the last thing I wanted after being grabbed and pulled by children all day was to be touched. I scooted to the far edge of the mattress, my back to my husband, and fell into a deep sleep.
Our sleeping habits gradually changed as the kids grew older. My husband went to bed several hours before me while I stayed up to finish projects that I couldn’t complete during the day with our kids’ busy schedules. It didn’t bother me that my husband and I were on a different sleeping routine. He needed a solid eight hours, whereas I had could survive happily on five. More importantly, the frequency of intimacy never wavered—we just took advantage of whatever moments of privacy we could grab. Sex wasn’t part of our nightly bedtime routine, and we were OK with that, as long as we connected during the quiet moments when our kids were not home.
Read More: Can’t Sleep … Like, Ever? Read How One Insomniac Tried Every Solution
The Empty Nest Bed
Once we became empty-nesters, I thought our newfound privacy would be the rebirth of our newlywed days, spending blissful hours of sleep cuddled together on a queen mattress. But we were not the same people we were 35 years ago, and that queen mattress was mighty small for a couple that wasn’t the same size they were on the day they got married. I had become a sheet hoarder, my husband, a mattress hogger. We wrestled in our sleep, banging elbows and knees and waking to pee every few hours. We woke each day more tired than we were when we went to bed.
Our sleep patterns were further complicated when I started menopause. I woke at all hours amid night sweats that left me unbearably hot and uncomfortable on damp sheets. Being the light sleeper that he was, my husband woke when I did to find me adjusting the thermostat or sitting under a fan.
It was around this time that my husband developed Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS), a condition that causes an uncomfortable sensation in the legs with an intense urge to move them, whether awake or asleep. Every night as he started to drift off, his body twitched like a fish out of water and shook the mattress so hard at times that it startled me awake. Medication alleviated the length of his twitching, but not the frequency. I found myself lying in bed, timing the intervals between his muscle spasms before nudging him to stop. If that didn’t work, we’d take turns sleeping on the couch so that at least one of us could get a good night’s rest.
My husband also complained that I snored—loudly—whenever I slept on my back, which woke him several times during the night. My doctor attributed the snoring to my age and weight and suggested a few remedies, but none of them worked for me.
Read More: Confessions of a Snorer: How I Stopped Sawing Logs Every Night
Whatever Gets You Through the Night
With all the twitching, night sweats, and the snoring, my husband and I dreaded going to bed together. We were unintentionally depriving one another of sleep with symptoms that we had no control over. In turn, the lack of rest made us irritable and impatient during the day, robbing us of any desire for fun or intimacy in our frequent state of exhaustion.
At that point, we decided that the best solution was to sleep in separate rooms. We still shared the same bedroom during the day, but my husband slept at night in the guest room. At first, I was appalled at the idea of not sleeping together anymore, but once I noticed the positive changes in or relationship, I knew we’d made the right decision. We no longer dreaded going to bed, and our daytime grouchiness disappeared almost instantly. We woke each morning well-rested and happy as we held hands and sipped our coffee on the patio. There was plenty of energy for afternoon walks, cuddling on the sofa, late-night movie marathons, and yes, intimacy. In fact, our sex life was more active than it had been in years!
It has been several months now, and although we no longer sleep together in the same bed, we have never been closer. My husband’s heartbeat may not lull me to sleep like it did when I was a newlywed, but I rest just fine knowing that we are only separated in our sleep, not in our hearts.
Yes, when the husband snores, this is actually a whole problem that is really better to eliminate and which can help to finally sleep normally. My husband and I decided that he would undergo an operation that would wrap his snoring forever and I am very glad that he finally decided on it. Since this interfered with me for many years and I couldn’t sleep at all comfortably and because of this I was always angry and ready to ruin, lol.
I have a similar positive story. After years of me complaining about my husband’s disruptively loud snoring and him coming to bed later than me and complaining that I wouldn’t allow him to read in bed, I finally convinced him that there’s no law that says we have to spend our sleeping hours in the same room. I found a few articles online like this one, with people touting the benefits of separate sleeping, and I said, “Let’s just try it.”
Across the hall from our BR is our designated TV room/occasional guest room. We got rid of its old lumpy sleeper sofa and I ordered one half of a split king adjustable bed (an extra-long single bed), thinking that if the separate-room sleeping didn’t work out, at least I would have the first half of a bigger bed I was interested in anyway. (The selling point of adjustable split-king beds for me was that they have a “snoring” button that raises up the head section of either side.) It fit easily along one corner wall.
We made these changes over this past New Year’s week, and it’s been an immediate success for both of us! I can turn off my BR light when I want to, can kick off the covers or pull them up as needed (hot flashes), don’t have to wear earplugs anymore, don’t wake up mad at him that my sleep was constantly interrupted. He can watch late-night TV without me yelling “when ya coming to bed,” snore without someone poking him awake, get up to pee in the night without waking me, and turn on his reading light when he can’t sleep in the middle of the night. He gets into what we call “the big bed” every morning to cuddle and chat with me, a coming-together that’s sweet and fun. (Bonus: When he had a bad cold in January, I didn’t get it, too.)
We wondered if we would have to explain the separate sleeping situation to others, but basically who has to know and who cares? I bought long pillows and a tailored bedspread which makes the single bed look like a daybed (small miracle—my husband is actually making his bed every day without me nagging), and that’s end of story, especially during a pandemic where no one visits anyway. The only irritating thing for me is that he refuses to use the adjustable functions of the bed (he says, “I’m not in the hospital”) so we may never know if the “Snore” prevention setting actually does its job!
Great story. Such a smart solution. Win-win, right?
My husband is significantly overweight (okay, obese) and he prefers a very cold room for sleeping. I have low blood pressure and don’t like to sleep in the cold. He moved into another bedroom when I was dealing with a frozen shoulder that woke me up at night. We made the change official when we moved in a dresser. He is more affectionate now than ever in our 33 years of marriage.
Hubby and I have been married 53 years come.next month. We usually go to bed the same.time but I can’t get to sleep until a few hours later. I just crawl under my blanket tent and read
blogs. ????
A great solution we, too, have contemplated.
Husby and I really struggled with our endless and varied nighttime challenges. His snoring was enough to wake the dead. It certainly woke me! Finally, he was diagnosed with Sleep Apnoea. He got the little machine.
And instantly, snoring was done.
Now all we have to deal with are my RLS and night sweats.
Sigh.
I’m a night owl and my husband goes to bed very early. It works for us, but it wouldn’t bother me.
Except for the snoring issues, you could also adopt the orthodox Jewish tradition. (Two double beds, side by side…)
I’ve known other couples who do this, for similar reason. Also a couple that truly wanted their own bedrooms, but more about creating sacred space (or space for clothing!) than about moving apart. Thanks for sharing.
I’ve known other couples who do this, for similar reason. Also a couple that truly wanted their own bedrooms, but more about creating sacred space (or space for clothing!) than about moving apart. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for this intimate sharing! Well written and inspiring – finding mutual solutions.
with regards
PhilandMaude