This is the first in a series of articles about our intense relationship with our pets, which seems to grow stronger as we get older.
The bond they share is beautiful, unbreakable, and obvious to anyone who sees them together. He gazes at her with absolute innocent trust, she is fiercely protective of him, and they clearly delight in each other. If theirs seems like a typically loving mother-son relationship, it is—except that she is Lisa DePaulo, a midlife single woman, and he is Joey Obama DePaulo, a nine-year-old Havanese. That’s right, Lisa’s baby has four paws, a wet button nose, and a waggly tail.
“People make fun of you behind your back for the way you boast about your dog!”
“I wasn’t even sure I wanted a puppy, but the moment I saw him poke his head up, I knew he was mine!” Lisa recalls, and if you swap the word baby for puppy, her sentiment echoes that of many “real” moms. Now, for the most part, those in Lisa’s circle accept her devotion to Joey and coo accordingly over her Facebook page, heavily peppered with his images and adventures. So she never expected to open an email from a longtime colleague that read, in sum: “I feel sorry for you because your ‘child’ is an animal. People make fun of you behind your back for the way you boast about your dog!”
“I was appalled!” Lisa says of the apropos-of-nothing message. “This woman is a mom herself—she has one human child—so I guess I took it for granted that she was a kind, sensitive person. How dare she try to make my love for Joey into something ugly!”
Judgment Bites!
Lisa DePaulo with her beloved Joey, here and above.
Harsh as Lisa’s experience was, most pet parents can relate on some level. As a “cat lady” myself, I’ve seen enough rolled eyes to know that the “crazy” adjective before “cat lady” is tacit, if not spoken aloud. Those of us who dote on members of another species—particularly if we don’t have furless kids, too—are often perceived as loony, lonely losers. The stereotype is at its worst for mature single women—people assume some twisted maternal instinct is to blame, that we are akin to a pathetic character in a gothic novel.
It’s not just ridicule pet parents endure, it’s doggone discrimination. “No one thinks twice if a woman leaves work early or takes time off when her kids have the measles or get in trouble at school,” points out Denise Francis*. “But over the years I’ve had several emergencies with my beagle Boone. You would not believe the crap I took from my boss the one time I told the truth about coming in late because I had to tend to my dog.”
You would not believe the crap I took from my boss the one time I told the truth about coming in late because I had to tend to my dog.”
The notion of “it’s just a dumb animal” is anathema to pet parents, yet when Denise ultimately did lose Boone, she got no sympathy from her boss. “That dog was with me for 11 years, he was my everything—I was inconsolable—and her response was just, ‘It was inevitable,’ before asking when I’d be back in the office,” she says. “I swear, if I ever change jobs I’m putting a picture of a fake family on my desk so I’ll rate the same treatment and respect other moms get!”
Well, business is business, you may say—and who among us hasn’t worked for an icy super-Scrooge? But those closest to us can also be awfully cold when it comes to other facets of pet parenthood. “Friends will make snide remarks about how I cook for my dogs and dress them up,” says Bambi DeVille, who owns an eponymous vintage boutique in New Orleans and recently adopted her fourth rescue. “An ex-boyfriend once bemoaned that he wished I was as good to him as I was to my dogs.” Even her sisters can give Bambi a hard time when she brings her eldest canine for stay-over visits. “They don’t understand my attachment,” she says. “But Heidi is 12, she’s been with me since she was six weeks old, and I’m not leaving her at home!”
How Deep Is Our Love?
Bambi DeVille with her dog Heidi.
Pet parents take umbrage when our deepest, most natural emotions are dissed or dismissed. “I feel slighted when people say or imply that I love my cats so much because I don’t have children, as though I’m missing out and overcompensating,” says Sheila Ramsey, who has two aging kitty kids. After all, only we pet people know what combination of physical, psychological, financial, and romantic factors led us to not produce the fruit of our loins. So what gives other folks the right to lord superiority over us, as if our feelings are any less valid and visceral?
This past December, Iggy, my alpha, stopped eating. The vet was stymied for a diagnosis, but she did warn that without proper nutrition he would quickly go into organ failure and die. That meant swaddling him in a blanket to syringe-feed him five times a day. It also meant not traveling with my husband to see family for the holidays. (Fortunately, my in-laws are all awesome animal lovers who completely understood.) I cancelled my plane ticket and did all I could for our darling boy, caring for him, praying for him, gently encouraging and stroking him—and as I did, I could not imagine loving anyone more intensely. On Christmas Eve, after nearly a month, Iggy started eating on his own again. Would I have felt greater relief if I was a “real” mom? It’s just not possible.
Comeuppance Unleashed!
So we persevere, not just we dog and cat mamas but the parents of parrots and turtles (who might just outlive us) and any other creatures with whom we share our hearts and homes. And there are plenty of us out there. As Sheila points out, “think of all the people who didn’t evacuate for Hurricane Katrina because they refused to leave their pets.”
“People from all over stepped up, saying how wrong it is to judge or criticize pet parents. The response was incredible!”
Lisa DePaulo, for one, learned she had no reason to justify her love. Though stunned by the cruel and ignorant email, she soon realized “that woman who wrote to me should be so lucky as to have the kind of unconditional love and affection I get from my dog.” So she took to Facebook to tell her tale. “Within 24 hours, I got more than 900 positive comments,” Lisa says. “People from all over stepped up, saying how wrong it is to judge or criticize pet parents. The response was incredible!”
Yes, Lisa allows that the social-media support made her feel better. It was comforting, it was inspiring, it was nice. But did she genuinely need it? Not one whit. “I was sitting there in tears, reading all the feedback,” she says. “Joey was right next to me, looking at me, like, ‘WTF, Mom? Get over it.’ And just like that, I did.”
*Name has been changed.
Further Reading:
10 Reasons to Get a Dog After 50
The 5 Benefits of Being a Dog Owner After 50
Why a Pet Might be the Perfect Addition to Your 50+ Life
Lou Meeth Worden says
My children have grown and started their own families. I got lots of love to give, so now i have four legged children.
They are dogs. They don’t wear clothing or perfume, but they are my kids nonetheless
Nancy MacDonald says
They certainly do!!
Dena Mayfield says
I have 5 cats and 1 dog, they are “the children”! Lol.
Darlene Akers says
Then they would really roll their eyes at me , my little buster is my baby, i love him with all my heart
Mailey McLaughlin says
I have no problem with people loving their pets as family. I do, too.
What I have a problem with is people loving their pets at the expense of the animal. Do you know what loving your dog or cat should look like? It must include training so they know how to exist in our world with as little unnecessary conflict as possible. It means making sure their true needs are fulfilled, and that they are not just sponges for your needs. It means nutritious food in proper amounts so that they do not become obese and crippled. It means proper veterinary care. It means stimulating bodies and brains appropriately, every day, even when you don’t feel like it. It means making sure they are respected as the animals they are, and not treated like children in fur coats. (Yes, it’s completely possible to respect a dog’s “dogness” and a cat’s “catness” while considering them as family–having them be indoor animals, and share your furniture, etc. As in all things, balance is key.)
By all means, love your pets. And seek to help them live their best lives for their own sake, too. You owe them that.
Kimberley Galloway Reid says
I’m the mother of four human kids. They’re grown now. And I love my dogs like they’re my children. My kids know this. They make me happy.♀️ I don’t care what other people think. That’s their problem.
Kimberly Anne Coberly says
Yup.
Heather Houlahan says
My dogs are adults. They start out as baby dogs with baby dog needs for a few short months, and they grow into mature adult animals with adult dignity and adult minds.
I pity adult animals owned by people who insist that they are infants.
Candye Vale says
Why don’t you stop pitying and start teaching? That’s what I did as a vet tech and still try to do but without that “authority.” Everyone benefits.
Heather Houlahan says
Candye Vale — lecturing people you don’t know about how they should do what they already do every goddamned day isn’t “teaching.”
Charlene Lytle Kochenderfer says
I love my yorkie. I care about her as I did my sons. I really don’t care what anyone thinks about my devotion to her. She entered my life as I dealt with empty nest syndrome. She was a life saver……and I will never have to pay to send her to grad school!
Nan Jackson O'Neill says
I feel a little bit like this about my dachshunds. They are definitely filling a void that is created with the leaving of my children, but it’s not the same. Close, but definitely different. ❤️
Charlene Lytle Kochenderfer says
Nan Jackson O’Neill yes our puppies can’t talk to us. I miss that
Karen Wettstein says
Peeps! Why are we even comparing species to species and methods we use to express our devotion? Some people are childless and find animals to be surrogates! Whereas people reproduce… and, have babies! The point is how we view one another, sometimes critically, which it’s no one’s business. Those who roll their eyes at animal lovers, have you ever asked yourself why these people bother you? You’re not covering their expenses to care for their dogs and cats! And, by the way, the pet industry is a mutli-million dollar one so there are a lot of us out there! And guess what?! We don’t get along with each other sometimes! I read through the blog post and one thing that I did take notice of was Lisa De Paulo reference to “obnoxious animal people”. If you are trying to support this group then why use negative language to describe us? My philosophy is I love dogs I love people and I hope that at some point we can stop the eye rolling and choose kindness and acceptance! Peace. Out. Woof. Karen
Abby Oliver Michl says
I love my dogs as family . But I have to admit it does bother me on Mother’s Day when my childless friends wish themselves a happy Mother’s Day on fb because they own a dog. It’s not the same at all. The love, tears , money, and work you put into your child is no comparison to a pet. Nor is the love.
Jennifer Marx says
Off the main topic but I’m famous got “riffing” so here goes:
Can Mother’s Day can be shared?
There is more than one way to be a mother. I am childless but have nurtured and helped people all my life. I put a lot of work caring time and effort into this work. Dedicated my life to it, my mission and ministry.
thanks.
Abby Oliver Michl says
Jennifer Marx my absolutely honest opinion. No. It’s Mother’s Day. I absolutely respect what you do . But it’s Mother’s Day. Why do non parents feel the need for self validation on that day? I hate to sound so ugly but that’s my feeling. I don’t know a man who wants to claim Father’s Day because he does good things or owns a dog. It’s my pet peeve , let me be entitled to it. I earned my stretch marks, ruined boobs, and empty bank account .
Michelle Gochanour says
I no longer care what people with kids say about me and my pets. Those people are just as judgemental and rude to each other. Plus many of my fellow “crazy cat/dog/animal ladies” have kids and still feel the same as me.
Nancy MacDonald says
Well said
Candye Vale says
The article was written from the viewpoint of people who don’t have human offspring. I’m not sure why parents of human offspring feel the need to come here and dismiss the love we have for our furry family members. That’s what mine are, and I get more love from them than I ever have from another human.
You should also realize that the ability to love, be it for a human or non, is something to be cherished and encouraged. Suicide and psychopathology can be stopped if that person can accept love, even if it comes from a cat. And trust me, if a cat shows you affection, you are gold.
Jennifer Anne Woods says
Sadly a lot of people think everyone is obliged to have children. They’re confused and even angered by people who don’t take the same path as they did. Many times it’s out of resentment. Sometimes it’s out of a desperate bid to feel special. Don’t let their attitude get to you.
Sarah Capuzzi says
Absolutely correct. Because our society has lost sight of the fact that having children is a choice, not an obligation or an inevitability. The realization of that fundamental truth can sometimes be painful.
Casha Goodwin says
I’m an animal advocate and regular volunteer, training pups in the shelter. I have a dog and cat. I love them like family. I also have children now grown that I love very much. The two pawed kids are way more challenging, complicated and expensive to raise. Sorry, there is no comparison.
Laura DeMarzo says
Well yeah, duh.
Victoria Frost says
No one gets to decide how I feel about Anything.
Your love for something or someone is not ‘better’ than mine.
My attachment to someone is not ‘greater’ than yours.
Denise Dollarhide says
Stupid
Michelle Mueller Teheux says
I love my dog, Ginger. I still mourn Sugar, who died two years ago this month. But they are not my children. Not at all.
Karen Engelhardt says
Lisa Tempesta
Gina Elliott Proulx says
“No one bats an eye when a mom of a (human) child leaves early from work to tend for a child…” Really? What magical job site is this? Unspoken results of moms leaving early often include slower advancement and smaller salaries. Of course some great work environments where moms are treated well exist. Just like some work environments where management understands the connection someone has with a pet. I’m a 52 yr old raising an 11 year old son. I’ve had a lifetime with animals, including time raising and socializing service dogs. I personally consider animals far more loyal than most people. Their love, when you are worthy of it, is more pure and agenda-free. But they aren’t on par with a human child. The work of caring for a pet or service dog isn’t equally complex. The ramifications Of guiding a human child through development versus a pet are not equal. In the last year I’ve had to say goodbye to a 20.5 year old cat, a 14 year old retired Service dog, and a 14 year old pet dog. I ache some days for the loss. But they weren’t my children.
Pandora Baldree says
I love my dog and he loves me but I don’t call him my fur baby. He would be humiliated if he understood.
Joyce Alexander says
I house, feed, play with and have insurance for my puppy just like people with kids. I should be able to claim him on my taxes. I got receipts.