What would Miriam Weinstein say? Yes, even Harvey Weinstein had a mother. She passed away several years ago at age 90, so she didn’t live to see her golden boy and powerhouse film producer go on trial for multiple counts of sexual harassment. According to news reports, Mrs. Weinstein, photographed with her son above, was alternatively nagging and nurturing, offering advice on how to run her son’s movie studio and also bringing him pastries.

Harvey Weinstein is back in the news—he’s reportedly agreed to a $44 million deal to settle the lawsuits against him. But he isn’t the only, let alone the latest, powerful man to be brought down by allegations of sexual abuse. Think Matt Lauer, Bill Cosby, and Leslie Moonves, former head of CBS. Not to mention Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, whose nomination was not torpedoed by accusations of assault, though he did sit through nationally televised sworn testimony against him. His mother was in the hearing room to watch.

I remember watching Martha Kavanaugh carefully. Her face collapsed in misery.

I remember watching Martha Kavanaugh carefully. Her face collapsed in misery.

What’s going on in her head? Was she more upset by Professor Christine Blasey Ford’s compelling testimony that Brett Kavanaugh sexually assaulted her, or by Kavanaugh’s outraged self-defense? Her only son was poised to serve on the highest court in the land; I doubt she was ever expecting to witness one of the most high-profile and divisive chapters of the #MeToo chronicles.

Come down where you will on this particular she said/he said moment, but no mother ever intended her son to be a predator. Yet some women have participated in backlash against  the #MeToo movement, with mothers worrying that their sons will be falsely accused of sexual assault. Following the Kavanaugh hearings, President Trump noted it’s “a very scary time for young men in America.”

Read More: Rosanna Arquette On Harvey Weinstein, Lost Years and What Matters Most Now

You Want to Talk About Scary?

Brett Kavanaugh’s mom during his Senate confirmation hearing.

Let’s set aside for now the fact that it has long been a scary time for women of all ages in America. My daughter, a young woman now, gets harassed on the street, in the subway, and in the workplace. When she goes for a run, she always has to be mindful of surroundings. We women know how to avoid eye contact and how to avoid being alone in the wrong places. We’ve learned not to live in a ground-floor apartment and where to park our always-locked cars. These everyday precautions reflect our scary reality.

I myself am a protective mother of a son.

I don’t doubt that men are worried. And Lord knows, I myself am a protective mother of a son. If someone accused him of sexual assault, I’d be gutted. If the accusation were false, I’d be furious. If it were true, I’d be horrified and sickened.

But it seems to me our focus is off. Hoping to raise a son who won’t be accused of being a sexual predator (either falsely or truthfully) is a pretty low bar. How about bringing up guys not to be jerks when it comes to women? How about focusing on raising respectful, empathetic boys who are less likely to be accused of bad behavior as men in the first place? How about raising boys unlikely to engage in bad behavior?

On the Spectrum

Rape and sexual assault are one end of a spectrum of conduct. But myriad other behaviors—harassment, sexist jokes, objectifying women—can all set the tone for sexual abuse. As little boys, our sons were subjected to a barrage of cultural messages about what it means to be a guy. When I was raising my 30-year-old son, strict gender norms dictated everything from what toys he should play with to what colors he should wear.  His generation heard how they should “man up” and that expressing affection to another boy was “gay.”

We’ve made progress, but the pressure, especially on teenage boys, is still relentless: “Bros before Hoes,” homophobia, sports culture, shut down your emotional sensitivity, and party hearty.

This year, the American Psychological Association (APA) issued its first set of guidelines to help psychologists deal with the particular needs of the men and boys in their practice. This is a bit ironic—originally, treatment standards were based on men because they were considered the norm.

We’ve made progress, but the pressure, especially on teenage boys, is still relentless.

More than a decade ago, the APA released guidelines for treating women and girls. Those recommendations addressed sexual violence and noted how women suffer more than men from eating disorders and anxiety and advised therapists on how to be more sensitive and effective with female clients. The organization has also issued guidelines on treating the elderly, LGBT people, and members of racial and ethnic minorities.

The new guidelines for treating men and boys are based on four decades of research and  document how men suffer differently. For instance, men are 3.5 times more likely to die from suicide than women, struggle more academically, are incarcerated more, and kill and are killed more.

The APA points to “traditional masculinity,” which they describe as “marked by stoicism, competitiveness, domination and aggression” as a cause of these problems. Men who most identify with traditional manliness are less likely to seek help for emotional or physical illness and are more likely to drink, smoke, and engage in risky behavior. They tend to suffer from loneliness and are more disdainful of those around them.

Read More: Angrier Than You’ve Ever Been? Here’s Why That’s a Good Thing

Here Comes the Backlash

This being America, the backlash to these findings was immediate. The APA was accused of being “anti-men” and of treating masculinity as a disease. Conservative commentator Laura Ingraham said on Fox News, “So traditional masculinity seems to be, in this report at least, conflated with being a pig or a creep or a Harvey Weinstein kind of person.”

Not exactly. The APA wants to help men who are suffering. But there is a connection between believing that men should be dominant and predatory behavior. And it’s not good for anyone—men or women.

Mothers of older boys should talk to them about all these issues, and keep talking.

Parents need to start early. Kids should be taught respect for everyone. They need to learn what boundaries are and what consent is. Boys need nurturing. They need to be allowed to expand their emotional repertoire. Mothers of older boys should talk to them about all these issues, and they should keep talking.

I feel for Martha Kavanaugh. And I really feel for Christine Blasey Ford, the mother of two sons. Since testifying, she’s had to move her family several times because of death threats. Maybe watching the Harvey Weinstein criminal trial—when it finally happens—should be required viewing for boys, sitting in front of the TV with their parents.  

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Kate Stone Lombardi has been a journalist for more than 25 years. She work has appeared in the The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Time, Ladies Home Journal, Parenting Magazine and other national publications. Lombardi is the author of The Mama’s Boy Myth: Why Keeping Our Sons Close Makes Them Stronger.