Traffic jams and crowded airports may be inevitable during the wildly busy holiday travel season, but it is possible to avoid some of the touchiest issues that could throw a wrench into spending time with family. These situations can become especially tricky at age 45 plus, when lifestyles and housing arrangements tend to be in flux (for instance, you downsized and now have precious little room for holiday guests).

NextTribe takes groups of women age 45+ on memorable, transformational, and fun trips across the U.S. and around the globe. See where we’re going next!

So we asked women to share the kind of seasonal sore spots they most hope to prevent or smooth over and then got expert advice sure to make everybody merry. If you have a holiday hosting concern or worry about situations when you are a guest, read on for wise advice.

Managing the Sofa Bed Scenario

Problem: “Staying with our daughter for the holidays would mean my husband and I on a sofa bed in the living room of their tiny apartment, one flight above a major thoroughfare—not to mention sharing the only bathroom with our girl, her husband, and our toddler grandson. Should we resign ourselves to sleepless nights and grumpy, uncomfortable days? Would it be rude to stay in a hotel?”

Solution: If you’ve got a healthy relationship with your daughter but you’d rather not stay at her pint-sized pad, reserve a hotel or Airbnb nearby and tell her in a way that makes her feel this is the right decision for all involved.

“Etiquette is often about putting other people at ease, so approach the conversation tactfully,” says etiquette expert Elaine Swann. “Say something like, ‘We’re looking forward to spending time with all of you, but Dad and I have decided to take a hotel so that we can stretch out and enjoy some private time. The place we’ve chosen is close by, so we’ll be there for Christmas morning and won’t have to rush off after dinner—we’ll have plenty of quality time together.’”  

Don’t say, “Your apartment is too small,” which could put your daughter on the defensive, or fall back on the standard excuse of “We don’t want to be any trouble,” because that can get you into a cycle of “Oh, you’re no trouble…” “Stay focused on: This is what we prefer to do, what we’ve decided,” Swann says. 

Explain that you’re staying in a nearby hotel or Airbnb not because their place is too cramped but because you want a bit of privacy and to be able to unpack and stretch out.

However, if for whatever reason you opt to camp with the kiddos, pack accordingly. “Anticipate your needs in advance, thinking about your sleeping and awake hours, so you’ll be as comfortable as possible while making the situation easier on everyone,” Swann says. Maybe it’s earplugs to block the traffic noise, an eye mask so the light isn’t let in, your favorite pillows from home. And be prepared to wake up early and fold up that sofa bed so your hosts can have their living room back during the A.M.  

Also consider toting a caddy for grooming supplies and a small makeup mirror to set up someplace other than the bathroom so you won’t take up too much space and time in the shared space. 

The Packing Presents Predicament  

Problem: “Driving from D.C. to my family home in Massachusetts has become a slog, so I’ll be taking the train this Christmas. But what should I do about packing presents for everyone? I just can’t schlep too much.”

There are options to hauling loads of bulky gifts as you travel for the holidays. Think experiences, not objects.

Solution: Amtrak is not Santa’s sleigh, so rethink the way you gift. “Don’t  bother schlepping a bunch of bulky presents,” says travel pro Jeannie Edmunds, Chief Operating Officer here at NextTribe. “Experiences are a great alternative to things, so buy tickets to a local theater, concert, or theme park. To build lasting memories, document the event in photos and videos, a digital gift family members can all appreciate and relive over and over again.” 

Of course, you can always fall back on gift certificates to retailers or restaurants. Just make it personal by ensuring that family members already enjoy or would like to try these places. You can also make charitable donations in their name to causes they truly care about—so appropriate at holiday time. 

There’s always the option of ordering gifts online and having them delivered to the family home in Massachusetts. Once there, if you have time, you can wrap them yourself in beautiful paper and tuck some chocolate bars on top.

In any case, get creative with cards, so loved ones will have something to literally open when traditional gifts are exchanged. Greeting cards pack flat so won’t take up much room, but sandwich them in stiff cardboard and place between layers of folded clothes to protect them for transit.

Dealing With Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen

Problem: “The first thing my cousins say when they descend at the holidays is, ‘How can I help?’ Alas, when they ‘help,’ they tend to create a mess, put things where I can’t find them, ruin the gravy, and otherwise make things more difficult for me. How can I shoo them out of my kitchen without sounding unappreciative?”

Solution: There are two parts to handling a situation like this—what you say and how you say it. 

“When it comes to holiday challenges with family, you have an advantage because you know these people,” Swann points out. “That means you can plan on how to deal with them. If you know your cousins won’t take no for an answer, figure out a suitable assignment for them that will keep them busy—and out of your way.” Having them set the table may be the perfect task, since you can still make any necessary adjustments before everyone sits down to dine.

Give well-intentioned guests and relatives a holiday task to do, but make sure it’s not in the kitchen so they’re not in your way.

Or if you know they’re just saying they want to help, Swann suggests this shooing strategy: “Tell them, ‘You’ve had such a long trip—go join the others in the den and relax with a cocktail.’” Or even: “Do me a favor? Please go into the living room and keep an eye on insert-scapegoat’s-name-here; I don’t want him eating all the snacks I’ve set up!”

However you word your request, Swann reminds that tone is paramount to ensure that you don’t seem ungrateful for the offer of help. “Take a breath before you respond so you won’t be perceived as irritated,” she says. “Then, instead of starting your response with ‘No thank you,’ begin with a sincere ‘Thank you,’ and then add ‘I appreciate your wanting to help but I’m all set!’” 

Downsizers’ Dilemma: Can We All Celebrate Together?

Problem: “The middle-agers in our family have been happily downsizing these last few years—we’re pretty much all in tidy condos now. We all have children with kids of their own, however, and we miss big holiday get-togethers. Are we doomed to Zooming Christmas?” 

Solution: Celebrating in a family home can be rich with fond memories, but if no one has the space anymore—or wants the stress and responsibility of hosting a crowd—why not convene at a resort or house rental? Yes, you may still have time to pull this together! Many hotel chains, resorts and online bookings sites offer last-minute getaway packages, sometimes at deep discounts or boasting benefits like a free night. 

Meet in the middle when family is far-flung and no one has a big enough place to play host. Or all head somewhere that’s considered off-season.

“To save more money, gather in a location considered off-season at holiday time,” Edmunds says. Sure, ski chalets and tropical resorts may be pricey in December, but a lake or beach house when nobody except a polar bear would want to take a dip can be had for a lower rate.

Moreover, the locale isn’t really that important; it’s all about the people you’re celebrating with. So if family members are scattered in different parts of the country, look for a rental in the middle—even if it’s the middle of nowhere!—so everyone travels about the same distance.

When You Feel Like the Awkward Houseguest

Problem: “For a few nights during the holidays, I’ll be staying with my very proper, preppy brother (who I’m not that close to) and his new wife (second marriage). I’m a laid back, informal person—you could say I never got out of my hippie phase—and I don’t want to freak out Mr. and Mrs. Manners and am worried that it will be a tense situation. Any tips to help me be a good guest?”

Solution: “Tension between siblings doesn’t automatically disappear once you’re mature adults,” notes Swann. “So, first, give yourself a pat on the back for making the effort to spend time with your brother and his new wife. Then approach the situation from the perspective of opportunity, not opposition.” 

Remember that Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg have an excellent relationship—the point being that opposites can get along just fine. One great way to establish rapport is to find neutral topics of conversation. “This will let you learn about them without judging,” Swann says. 

Remember that Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg have an excellent relationship: Opposites can get along just fine!

Did your bro and his bride do any traveling this year? Ask open-ended questions about their trip and show interest in their vacation photos. Then share your own adventures.  Edmunds adds: “Express enthusiasm for doing holiday activities together, like decorating. Cooking together can also be a great bonding experience.” 

Appearance counts, too: “You want to avoid any Meet the Fockers moments!” Swann says. “Although you’re a casual person, be mindful that this is not your home.” You’ll surely pack something “appropriate” for the holiday meal, so also tilt to the side of modesty for common spaces like the kitchen and living room. Bring a caftan or long robe to wear when heading to the bathroom in the hallway (yep, even in the middle of the night).

In the guest room, unpack your bag, using the drawers likely provided for you, rather than strew your stuff all over the place. Play your music through headphones. And no smoking weed (hey, you said you were a hippie!) on the premises—or at least not inside the house! 

Navigating a Sad Holiday Season

Problem: “This will be my first holiday season since losing my husband and I’m simply not up to all the hoopla. My family means well, but their sympathetic pussyfooting is not what I need right now. That said, I don’t want to sit around moping in the empty house. What’s a widow to do?”

Solution: “In this instance it’s vital to be very clear with family, making sure that the focus is on you and what you need,” Swann insists. “Tell loved ones something like, ‘As you know I had a terrible loss this year, and I need some time for myself to heal. So I’m going to do that over the holidays this year. It has nothing to do with you; this is about me and how I have to process this transition in life.’”

Getting away from it all can be very helpful at this time. “The holidays are incredibly hard for those who recently lost loved ones, and the absence of a spouse will be especially acute if you had special rituals and traditions,” Edmunds says. “But this is your time, so what you do and where you go should feel right to you.” 

If you endured a major loss this year and don’t feel like partaking of the holiday hoopla, don’t. Solo time, whether at home, a spa retreat, or a jaunt to a nearby city, may be just right this season.

For many, a spa or yoga retreat may be a soothing way to spend the season. But if you really crave distraction, a stay in a bustling city you’ve never visited before (museums! theater! restaurants! shopping!) may be just right. Still others may find comfort and peace of mind communing with nature—the beach, the forest, the mountains, the desert. Poke around online and see what calls to you. Putting the word “widow” in your search can help you find inspiration and encouragement as well as suggestions for solo sojourns and group trips with women going through situations similar to yours. This is a moment to put yourself first and do whatever feels right.

Read more: Traveling as a Widow