After close to 30 years of marriage, I was suddenly single again. Now, 10 years later, I’ve discovered a whole new wild, weird, and wacky coupling world. Although some men still ask women out for a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, others immediately send online messages like, “Your pics make me want to c*m so hard!” (I kid you not! No amount of online dating tips for women over 50 would have prepared me for that.)

And, even if I get past a couple of dates, I discover tastes and habits – in and out of the bedroom – that give me the ick. 

I admit. I used to go on dates as a prurient Lois Lane or cultural/sexual anthropologist. I encountered:

• The guy who had a long marriage and a weekday girlfriend. They both knew he was on a date with me while he was out of town. Although he said he loved his lifestyle, he seemed to be having marital problems, and I spent the evening playing therapist. At least the chips and salsa were great, and I definitely did not return to his hotel with him.
• Men who still lived with their mothers or roommates in their 60s. One guy wanted to make out with me in his living room while his Alzheimer-afflicted mom lay in her bed with the door open. Any opinions on that, Dr. Freud?
• Younger dudes who have watched too much MILF porn and have fantasies of an older woman showing them the ropes (and perhaps supporting them – see “Sugaring,” below).

I have many more tales to share, but I fear that I’ll become officially undateable if I spill too much tea. Plus, I always worry that my grown daughters will stumble upon my stories and be mortified.

The Brave World of Dating as a 50+ Woman

Those of us who lived through the 1970s remember it as an era of “free love.” The movement began in the mid-1900s and was marked by open conversations about sexuality, women’s liberation, and a wide range of experimentation and alternative life choices.

That experimentation is still going strong. I recently encountered a man who said he was looking for an FLR. I had to Google it: It stands for female-led relationship. On the BDSM (that’s short for bondage, dominance, and submission or sadism, or masochism) spectrum, it means that the woman in the relationship calls all the shots. 

I recently encountered a man who said he was looking for an FLR. I had to Google it: female-led relationship.

As women’s economic and social power has increased, some men are more than willing to let them take full control. Even bright, accomplished professionals may find that fulfilling someone else’s needs and following instructions is liberating. One might argue that some men are simply tired of being in charge and are happiest when just pleasing the woman in their life. It can apply to day-to-day decisions or bedroom behavior. 

A 30-something friend told me she’s involved in one of these relationships. Sex is not on the table (or in the bed). But she regularly asks her companion to perform “acts of service” (as they are referred to in the Five Love Languages quiz), like cleaning her house and running errands. A free butler? Sounds like a pretty good deal! 

So, perhaps free love is still alive and well. People may just be more honest about what they want and need, and technology has made finding it easier.

Apps have created the dating/relationship equivalent of DoorDash, where singles can choose from and order one-night stands, various dates, and even additional partners to add some sexual variety to committed relationships.

The New Language of Love

Even those of us 50+ who consider ourselves sexually progressive are often befuddled by a new set of acronyms and relationship choices.

Free love has been augmented by “paid love,” with the online dating industry projected to hit $3B globally. And that doesn’t even factor in the amount spent on live singles events, coffee and dinner dates, and OnlyFans payments (for those who like to just watch the action).

Sex positivity is one of the areas of interest that dating app users can now list on their profiles, along with hobbies like pickleball and film. 

Popular media is showcasing polyamorous relationships, and some dating profiles mention ENM, or ethical non-monogamy

According to the latest Census data, about half of the U.S. population (117 million) is single. Pew Research reports that about half of us are open to a committed relationship or casual dating. But dating no longer just applies to singles. Popular media is showcasing polyamorous relationships, and some dating profiles mention ENM and open relationships. Don’t know what that means? You’re not alone. Read on!

Here’s a simple glossary plus thoughts on what a person is looking for – in life and in bed – based on their profile lingo. 

• Monogamy: This is an easy one. A person is seeking just one sexual partner.
• Vanilla: Defined as “conventional sex,” it might include a range of positions but excludes:
• BDSM: This includes bondage, dominance, submission or sadism, and masochism. FLRs are on the BDSM spectrum, and although sex isn’t a mandatory part of the relationship, the control aspect can travel into the bedroom. Recent studies reveal that BDSM can increase intimacy and trust. From blindfolds to handcuffs to more intricate clamps and specially-made furniture (a new category for Wayfair?), sex play involving dominance by one party appears to be on the upswing. Or, perhaps people are just more open to admitting to participation.
• Kink: This could be any sexual practice that’s outside the cultural “norm.” You can even order a custom kink evaluation to figure out what your style might be. We have online guides to what types of glasses and hairstyles we should wear, so why not this?
• Fetishism: Different from kink, it applies to attachments to non-genital body parts, smells, objects, costumes, and fabrics.  
• ONS: One-night-stand. The expectation is that you’ll have sex soon after you meet, with no future encounters. It may also be called a “hook-up.”
• FWB: Friend with benefits. This could be an ongoing relationship but without deeper feelings or commitments. Sometimes, married people will seek a “side piece” to fulfill sexual needs that aren’t being satisfied at home.

• Sugaring: As in sugar babies, sugar mommas, and sugar daddies. Also known as sugar dating, it’s a financially-based arrangement where one party (typically older) makes payments to the other or lavishes them with gifts, housing expenses, or travel. Sex is often involved, and the wealthier partner may have multiple “babies.” It differs from prostitution in that the relationship has many aspects of a traditional love-based coupling
• ENM: Stands for ethical non-monogamy and is a broad category of behaviors. People have more than one partner, and the other parties involved in the relationship know exactly what’s going on, with whom, and when (hence the ethical part). The variations are complex, so here are the major ones. If you want to study up, here’s a simple ENM guide for your reading and discussion pleasure.
• Polyamory: One or both parties have multiple lovers
• Swinging: Couples have sexual encounters with other singles and couples. Facebook groups inform participants about upcoming gatherings
• Open relationships: A couple has committed to each other romantically (whatever that means) but is free to have sex with other partners

The key to making any of these lifestyles work is open, honest communication, with both parties contributing to and agreeing to the ground rules and choices of partners and meeting schedules. To each their own, but if you have trouble keeping your grocery list straight or are prone to jealousy or self-esteem issues, this could be a problematic option.

Why are we suddenly hearing about all these relationship flavors? Many people our age have been married and then divorced or widowed. Their sex lives may have become mundane and routine. Like kids in a candy store, many people set out into this brave new sexually-charged world, with so many options to choose from – and much less judgment than in previous eras.

Many people our age are now like kids in a candy store, setting out in this new sexually-charged world with so many options to choose from.

Some people discover that they may be bisexual or attracted to only partners of the same sex. Others are wary of commitment (due to failed marriages or loss) and would rather date around and sleep around than settle down with one partner.

And still others have no clue what they’re looking for. 

Do Dating Apps Work for Those Over 50? Try These Tips

Which is why dating this way can be challenging, for people of all ages. My opinion: Candor and communication are critical, though it’s not always easy to achieve. If one partner is looking for a life-long committed monogamous relationship and the other is simply sampling all the dishes on the buffet table of humans, someone is bound to get hurt.

And dating via apps for those 50+ is not always just about sex. Some people are no longer interested in using those parts of their bodies (or, due to health issues, can no longer perform or enjoy sex). As a relationship progresses, truly understanding your partner’s appetite for intimacy is critical.

I won’t let myself be talked into anything I’m uncomfortable with. I’m open to new things, but I know what I like and don’t like.

After 10 years of close encounters of the dating kind, here are some of my new rules that may work for you, too. Here are my online dating tips for women over 50:

• Talk candidly about your fantasies, expectations, and commitment style. But don’t rush it! I’m looking for a real monogamous connection and unwilling to settle. 
• Booze and cannabis may lower inhibitions but can also impact judgment and performance. Saturday night choices may be regretted when one sobers up or the smoke clears. But refrain from beating yourself up (unless you’re into that! See BDSM.)
• I won’t let myself be talked into anything I’m uncomfortable with. Of course, I’m open to new activities, musical tastes, or hobbies, but at 68, I know what I like and don’t like.
• Regular testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is essential. They are on the upswing. 
• Shared experiences are a critical step in getting to know someone. Road trips or shopping excursions are a great way to get to know someone after a couple of months of dating. And a kinkier option is visiting an “adult entertainment store” with your partner and discussing the products. (If you’re too embarrassed, note that Target now even has a sexual wellness section on its website, although it’s mostly pretty vanilla.)

Above all, never apologize for your own tastes and interests. At any age, the adage “different strokes for different folks” applies (although the meaning of strokes may be slightly different)!

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Nancy A Shenker is a brand marketer, writer, and podcaster (“The Geezer-Proofer: How to Be a Bad-Ass >50“). After hitting the C-suite, she left corporate life at 48. Now, close to 70 and single (after a 27-year marriage), she writes and speaks about topics related to entrepreneurship, technology, and sex/dating. She also publishes a travel website. She has two grown daughters and three grandkids (who she tries to shield from her “sex and dating stuff”).