I remember attending the Congressional Women’s softball game on a muggy June day in 2011. Congress was in the thick of bipartisan bickering—another government shutdown was threatened—but you’d never know it from the way the female Congress members, Democrats and Republicans, were playing together, a united team hitting and pitching against the female members of the D.C. press corps
In warm-up, Democrat Kirsten Gillibrand was tossing balls with co-captain Republican Kelly Ayotte, and Democrat Debbie Wasserman-Schultz was doing deep knee bends with fellow team member Republican Jo Ann Emerson. The male members of Congress, mind you, had two separate teams—one for Republicans and one for Democrats.
Not so the gals, and when Schultz’s single drove in runners at first and second to win the game, women who were often in enemy camps during their power-suit-wearing day jobs hugged each other and high-fived like a scene out of A League of the Own. Moments later they dedicated the game to their absent colleague Gabby Giffords, who had been almost mortally wounded by a gunshot to the head months before. The good will of their teammate-hood just had to rub off in helping to govern the country, didn’t it?
Those Were The Days My Friend
I think of that moment now with both sadness and hope—because, even though politics looked divided back then, those days were halcyon next to today. In Trump’s America—and by this I mean a unique political landscape where the old rules don’t apply, where chaos and theatrics rule the day, and where citizens are up in arms on both sides of the political divide (widened now than ever before) —it seems almost impossible to put away partisan fury and initiate or maintain friendships with women (or men) of the opposite political stripe.
If anyone’s going to reach across the hate-filled chasm and try to make common cause, the likeliest candidates are females, many midlife or older.
However, if anyone’s going to reach across the hate-filled chasm and try to make common cause, the likeliest candidates are people like those on that baseball diamond: females, many midlife or older. Berkeley-based political-activist Karin Tamerius (an M.D. and a former UCSF psychiatry resident), recently started a Facebook page called SMART—Social Media Approaches for Respect and Tolerance—which, with 6,000 members, encourages progressives to reach across the chasm and befriend conservative voters.
In order to join, you have to promise to not bad-mouth President Trump. One goal is gently persuading members to change their political opinions. But the greater and more important goal is “radical civility”: making enemies into friends, even if nobody changes her or his politics. And what’s the biggest cohort in SMART? “Currently 80 percent of our membership is female and…[most] tend to be older—30s to 60s,” Tamerius says. “So, yes, there are definitely more women interested in breaching the divide.”
Throwing in the Towel?
Not that women are all kumbaya, and that includes me. In a wide swath of women I questioned, some have regretfully thrown in the towel on some deeply conservative childhood friends and family members. This includes a New York-based fiction writer and teacher (a Democrat, like me) who just happens to be one of the most thoughtful and gracious women I know. I would imagine it takes a lot to get her angry. But when, after Trump’s election, her attempts at civil political dialogue with a female relative turned testy, “I made some sarcastic comment and she raised an eyebrow at me, and I lost it.” After a cooling down period, “I was willing to have a more substantial conversation, but she didn’t take me up on it and it makes me kind of sad.” She left it at that, at least for the time being.
“I made some sarcastic comment and she raised an eyebrow at me, and I lost it.”
In reconnecting with childhood friends on Facebook, she found out that some people on the other side of the political divide “turned out to be rabid, and I’m still kind of amazed that boys I held hands with in the movies turned out this way.” Her husband disagrees with her “take-no-prisoners approach,” she says, “and tries to make me a more open-minded debater, but, screw it, I’m not going there,” she says, defiantly. Like her, when policies are proposed by the new administration that I disagree with—or, let’s be blunt, find abhorrent—I am quick to type out scorched-earth activist words on social media.
Republican and Democrat Friends: Caught in the Facebook Fire

Long-time friends Lisa Leonard-Adler, a Democrat, and Diane Haynie a Republican, on the eve of the election when Diane thought Hillary was going to win. Notice her finger in this photo.
But when you’re arguing—digitally—with friends with whom you radically disagree, it can be tricky. I value my friendly acquaintanceship with a strong conservative writer named Lisa Schiffren, who, among other things, years ago wrote the famous “Murphy Brown” speech against single motherhood for Dan Quayle. Before I even met her, I admired how she, whose politics were widely known, would Facebook-friend so many staunchly Democratic women—and join in happily safe online schmooze-fests about an actress’s bad or (good) face lift, her new hottie (or baddie) boyfriend, or the likeability or hatefulness of various characters in TV shows like “The Affair” and “This Is Us.” It felt like she was waving a peace flag: I may disagree with you politically but on some kick-back-with-a-glass-of-wine level, we’re all the same. A nice thing to be reminded of.
Then Trump won, and she and her social media base reveled in it, and I was pained and livid. Though I tried to resist doing so, I would ram in on Lisa’s Facebook passionately pro-Trump threads with my own strong counter-opinions. I did this just the other day. Sometimes I private message Lisa afterward to let her know that, despite it all, I’m still her bud. Lisa says, “I appreciate that you stay in private contact when we are disagreeing heatedly in public. Private is the meaningful contact. It affirms that there are things that bond people beyond politics.”
We’re bigger, not smaller, by not cutting people out of our life because of their politics.
The reason Lisa has so many liberal women friends, she says, is because she was liberal before she turned conservative and her long-held liberal friends “are friends from real life. A serious handful of the liberal women I truly love actually do things that I oppose deeply.” But she’s been able to stay close to them because “we have history as glue.” The strength of that loyalty is “heartwarming and deeply meaningful,” Lisa says. We’re bigger, not smaller, by overcoming the easy way out: cutting people out of our life because of their politics.
Can We Really Be Kindred Spirits?
Women who manage friendships despite glaring political disagreement are to be admired. Anne Dodd, a Florida-based actress and theater director, is someone who has always been passionate about discrimination—not only does she have two biracial young-adult sons, but I’ve heard heard her talk about the suffering of her forebears, the downtrodden Irish, at the hands of the English during the 1846 Famine with powerful indignation. So, a Democrat she certainly is.
Anne sums things up with feminist spirit: “A true female friendship transcends politics.”
Yet ten months ago—not years, months—in the heated run-up to the election, she made friends with a woman who “felt like my kindred spirit in many ways. She makes me laugh out loud, and in my book that counts for a lot.” Anne was shocked to find her new friend was “a big Trump supporter.” Her realization that this person she felt so instinctively connected to—so like-minded with—was on “The Other Side” heightened her understanding of the fact that people are more than their politics.
That was a bracing lesson, and one that’s useful to someone who, in her theater work, explores the depths of human character. “We agreed to never discuss politics; we appreciated our friendship too much. One morning we were discussing the mystery of dolphins who beached themselves. I said it was to protest the election results. She laughed— and that was my only snarky comment.” Anne sums things up with feminist spirit: “A true female friendship transcends politics.”
The Sneaky Finger
While Anne and her friend have known each other less than a year, Lisa Leonard-Adler, a San Diego-based art consultant, and Diane Haynie, an interior designer, have known each other for thirty years. “I adore her,” Lisa, a fervent Democrat, says of Diane, a moderate Republican. Diane elaborates: “I consider Lisa one of my dearest friends. We have been through marriages and divorces and deaths and illnesses and life’s disappointments together. We have met for lunch every four to six weeks for many years, always the same day of the week and the same place, and we spend two to three hours talking and laughing and catching up with our lives.”
“Don’t take ourselves and our opinions too seriously” became a friendship rule.
As to their political divide, “I respect not only Lisa’s political opinions but also her delivery of those opinions, as I think she does mine.” Everything was fine—they knew how to keep politics out of their closeness—until Diane shared her opinions on Lisa’s Facebook page. Diane was subjected to “repeated verbal attacks by her many liberal Facebook friends,” she says, and it hurt. “Our political differences were highlighted this year by the presence of social media, and I had to distance myself from that part of her life.”
So they took social media out of their friendship mix and made a vow not to discuss politics and, Lisa says, “to agree to disagree, and” —not unimportantly—“not to drink too much” when they talked. Just before Election Day, Diane brought Lisa a china serving plate with Hillary’s name on it (for Lisa’s upcoming Election Night party, because Lisa knew she would win). “I was so tickled” by the gesture, Lisa says. They took a picture holding the plate, and Lisa didn’t even notice that Diane was sneakily giving it the finger. An out-of-character bit of mischief, which made it all the funnier. “Don’t take ourselves and our opinions too seriously” became a friendship rule, Diane says. It remains so today. In fact, the rule—and their ability to have made it through the social media acrimony of the last year—made their friendship stronger.
Breaking Bread with Ann Coulter and Kellyanne Conway? Really?

Ann Coulter is the kind of person who steps up, says a Democrat friend.
I realize this piece is accidentally filled with women named Lisa, so here’s the Lisa story piece de resistance: My good friend, highly respected political writer Lisa DePaulo, is a more or less centrist Democrat (though she sneers at the label “centrist”; Lisa’s politics are purely her own). While she has a lot of very close women friends who are Democrats, she loves hanging out with Republican women, a habit she picked up twenty years ago when she was a star reporter at George magazine and her editor and friend John Kennedy Jr. encouraged bringing both parties into the magazine’s fold. “Republican women are fun,” Lisa says. “They’re not doom and gloom and earnest.”
For years, including recently (“though it’s been harder,” both situationally and emotionally, “since Trump’s election”) she and a group of women who don’t share her politics—including Ann Coulter and sometimes Kellyanne Conway—would get together for meals “where we gossiped about celebrities and complained about getting older and typical female things” and left politics off the table.
“Two of the women coming with me would have had gone into coronary arrest if Coulter had walked in.”
Six months ago, Lisa was finishing her valiant (and successful) battle with breast cancer. Ann Coulter, who, Lisa says, “is someone who, if you have a problem, she steps up,” wanted to support Lisa through a chemotherapy session. Taking a day to attend a friend’s chemo is pretty unselfish work. I never gave up my time to accompany Lisa to Sloan Kettering (a fact I have felt guilty about), though she has three wonderful friends, all staunch Democrats, who always did. Lisa declined Ann’s generous offer with a polite made-up excuse, but the real reason was that “two of the women coming with me would have had gone into coronary arrest if Coulter walked in.” A full-scale political battle among her friends while she was sitting with the chemo drip coming through the needle in her arm? “Yeah, right,” Lisa thought. “That’s all I needed.”
A Silver Lining. A Tiny One
Here was my takeaway when I heard that very casually proffered story: I have never liked one single thing about Ann Coulter. Her political statements seemed ostentatiously mean-spirited. But Lisa’s recounting of the incident flipped my thinking in an instant. Really? Ann Coulter did that? Then I had an instant follow-up thought: Maybe you can separate a woman’s politics from her personal character. Who knew? And shame on me, well, a little bit, at least, for emphasizing a person’s politics (and shtick) over consideration of the possibility that she could be a decent human being underneath layers of attention-getting provocateur posturing.
Then I had an instant follow-up thought: Maybe you can separate a woman’s politics from her personal character.
That was a tiny silver lining from what is a storm of a political divide, and, for me, a storm of an administration.
But sometimes you had better take any small silver linings you can get. I think back to the 2011 Congressional Women’s baseball game and remember all those high fives between women who would, the next day, return to partisan warfare. Maybe the warfare got a little less warlike after, with skinned knees, mussed hair, and sweaty armpits, they won that game together.
TAKE OUR SURVEY How do you handle friends on the other side of the political divide? Click here for a 2 question poll.
vkeri says
Emotional little girls talk the way you women speak on this page. I am not a big personal fan of the President. But, unlike the women on this page. I make grown-up decisions, not emotional decisions. I realize that all of us are imperfect people. So is our President. Along with the one’s that preceded him.
The comments on this page, throw out despairing accusations concerning the President, that are believed, concerning events, or opinions that are based on hypocrisy and delusion. Some are true. Most are not. Even when the FACTS are pointed out or shown to people like y’all on this page. Ya keep saying the same thing. That is MENTAL. You seriously have a mental condition. I mean this sincerely. When someone can prove your wrong and you see the information, and you keep saying the same thing repeatedly. That is a mental condition. It says more about yourself than the person your talking about.
So when a GROWN women tells you, she likes the policy decisions that the President made/enacted, Such as :
1. Allowing people dying to try experimental treatments or
2. Lowering drug costs for all Americans by making the US a “Most favored Nation,”
3. Prison reform through “The First Step Act,”
4. One of the best economies perhaps, ever? Unemployment, Manufacturing jobs coming back, GDP growth. Nearly, 4 million people off food stamps.
5. Canada Mexico Trade Deal.
6. Brokered Peaceful Trade deal, between Israel and UAE (just last week) Prime Minister visited Saudi Arabia…This is a GOOD thing ladies.
These examples are only a minimal list of the Presidents accomplishment. What I surmise is that you do not support these things.
All of our Presidents have been imperfect. From President Roosevelt that died in his country home in Georgia, with his mistress of 32 years. Lucy Mercer Rutherfurd. To President Kennedy who was snookering every piece of skirt that came his way. From 18-year-old interns in the White House, to a foreign spy, that the FBI had to get involved and have the President’s Attorney General brother to intervene to put a stop to it. And good lord, we do not have enough space on this page to put all Pres. Clinton’s improprieties in here. Rape’s, 12 year Affair, oops several affairs, Epstein Island….good Lord!
So stop feigning indignation of your poor senses being offended. Just tell the truth. You don’t want to fund Black College. You don’t want Prison reform. You want high unemployment. You want China to excel and your own country to fall behind. You don’t like yourself, so you hate your country.
That is what it means to be a Democrat today in 2020. Therefore, I avoid Democrat’s at all cost.
Y’all CRAZY!
Melanie Howard says
I have several very conservative friends, including my best friend from high school. I have been advised (usually by fellow liberals and journalists I only know on social media) to dispose of them. I won’t lie, Trump and Facebook have made these friendships a minefield, but there really are things more important than politics, so we persevere. If this country is going to continue to exist in any meaningful way, we the people need these unbreakable bonds.
Susan says
I don’t want to dispose of them. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they’ve been lied to. But it’s kind of hard to believe they believe Trump’s whole “It’s all just fake news” when we can see the video tapes of his words for ourselves. But they know what team they’re on and it is sad. But no, I won’t dump them as friends (or family members). I’ll just avoid topics. Hard, but not impossible.
Susan says
This isn’t “politics”. The current potus openly incites violence, says racist things, bragged about assaulting women, ran a scam university and foundation, lies constantly over major and trivial things where videotapes prove him wrong and is, in general, a misogynist who insults women repeatedly “crooked”, “disgusting”, “Pocahontas” not just verbally but in crazy tweets… NONE of this is normal or right. Thank god most of my Republican women friends did NOT vote for him and are appalled at his behavior.
Calling this “the current political climate” ignores the elephant in the room. This is NOT a republican thing. I can respect republicans. I cannot and do not respect ANYone who still supports him. It’s one thing if you voted for him because that was the team you were on and you thought you were doing a “conservative” thing. But if you still support him now you are being willfully blind to the obvious. He has broken so many ethics and norms and needs to step down before he is forced to. We have not had someone this unqualified and untrustworthy in our lifetimes. And that includes Nixon. I do not feel the same way about the (very few) relatives and the 4 friends I know who voted for him.
I’ve read that on dating apps many people say, “no Trump supporters” but not the other way around. THIS IS NOT ABOUT POLITICS but about basic human decency. If a person cannot see how vile this man is I want nothing to do with them. He is contaminating everything he is near. Including, but not limited to, politics. With his “both sides” comment he defends in indefensible; this invites others to claim false equivalence.
NO. The truth always comes out, but how many people must get hurt before the GOP does what needs to be done and removes him before he completely destroys the “party of values voters.” It is obscene.
(Not that I feel strongly about it.)
Jeannie Ralston says
Thanks for your thoughtful comments and your passion. Well said.
Susan says
What is funny is, after I calmed down, I realize that I have another dear, old friend who likely IS a trump supporter. But I love her too much to even find out. Sometimes (rarely, but sometimes) ignorance IS bliss. Or at least less stressful. I just avoid talking about “politics” with her as I don’t want to have to face the fact that she is ignorant and misinformed . Again, this is not about “conservatism” but about lies spread by Fox and worse “news” sites that people believe. It is so appalling and frustrating and scary and sad all at once.
Susan says
And every one of the people I know who voted (or likely voted) for trump are devout Christians. Not in name, but in action, volunteerism, bible study, charitable giving, raising upstanding children, etc etc. It just makes NO sense they don’t recognize the truth. Which is why trump’s disparaging of the media as “fake” is so damaging.
Nancy Terr says
Yes, through music
Rene Green says
I think it depends on the depth of the difference in core beliefs. For instance if one thinks abortion is flat-out murder and the other considers it a convenience and woman’s right without consideration to the baby, there is going to be difficulty. To one the other will seem like a murderer. To the other, her friend will seem like an overly religious nutcase. How can two people who feel that way about each other be friends?
Anne Wheat says
“Convenience”? Really? Says it all.
NextTribe says
I think they could start by understanding that neither of them like abortion and how do we get to a place where it’s not necessary. That’s how I think I would start.
Rene Green says
Sorry to say, for some it IS a convenience.
Rene Green says
No normal person likes abortion. To some it is a lot more acceptable.
Hannelore Gruenewald says
Every single one! Because women understand basic human rights, and that we ALL have them!
Jane Schreyer says
Re this last comment and reply…it used to be–before fox and trump– that you COULD change a friend’s mind, or had yours changed, or at least EXPANDED, thru good intelligent discussion. I miss that.
Laura Zabrocki says
Quite frankly, by avoiding the elephant in the room. Definitely not easy, but worth the effort if you value the friendship ~ because it goes without saying that no one will be able to change the other’s mind.
NextTribe says
Good point–no one will be able to change the other’s mind.
Petal Gowie says
Why wouldn’t you remain friends? Your were friends before the election. Why not now?
NextTribe says
I guess people feel politics has gotten so divisive since Trump’s election that it’s hard to stay neutral or overlook politics in a friendship.
Jean Jaques Schurman says
I have friends on both sides. Very close friends and family. Occasionally will talk about issues but I don’t condemn them and they don’t condemn me we have a mutual respect for each other.
NextTribe says
So great that you have this.
Pamela Forrester says
My sister whom I love dearly – we no longer talk about politics or religion. Taboo. Sad. We used to share the same views. Then she married a man and adopted his politics and religion. She’s happy but it ripped my heart out. I don’t understand how one can do a 180° on their CORE VALUES
NextTribe says
Oh, that would be hard. Good for you for staying strong and loving.
Susan McClelland says
Friendship implies respect. So, no.
Kelley Makoske says
Don’t talk politics!
Cindy Dickson Sharitt says
I live in SWVA where Trump won in a big way. I usually keep my mouth shut but everyone knows and I am odd woman out. With my conservative family members and my Southern Baptist in-laws I am either considered misguided or ignorant. I choose to avoid the conversation and love them anyway.
NextTribe says
I hear you Cindy. Thanks for your thoughts on this.
Lourdes Setién says
Ew.
Pete Hellmuth says
Talk is cheap. Everyone can afford it
Eilene Janke says
I have a number of conservative friends, male and female, but Ann Coulter??? NFW! She is Satans concubine!!!
Sharon Kelly says
Republicans have changed, I don’t even know what conservative means anymore. I have no interest in having a fox news talking point spewing racist girlfriend.
Cindy Heinz says
No.
Martha Miller says
IDK- dark is dark…hatred has become partisan. Truth and light are not the same as talk show conspiracy host spewing. I draw the line with ignorance. Tea and cookies won’t stop racists or fascists. I converse with those who can think for themselves.
Cindy Heinz says
I get that, Mark Richards! Especially after the election, in November!
My brother voted for Trump, too. My brother is a very kind and gentle man. It’s the conservative thinking. Against abortion, religious, ect…
I think there are probably lots of people like that. Unfortunately.
Rene Green says
See … conservatives think that’s fortunate, not unfortunate.
Mark Richards says
First time was backing out of a Thanksgiving invitation I had last year because I knew some Republican acquaintances would be there and I was in no mood to keep my mouth shut. Other than that who? I have one brother who’s a Republican and we never have had almost anything ever in common. I would ask if this person or that person actually went ahead and voted for Trump, but that’s awkward. It’s not something we do. So if they’re Republican they better let me know where they stand otherwise it’s bye bye
Kristen M. Barnhart says
Getting way too hard
NextTribe says
Good for you for trying
Cindy Heinz says
I really honestly tried, I just can’t do it!
Susan Kyle Inglis says
Good idea in this political climate.
NextTribe says
Absolutely