UPDATE: My, what a year it has been! #MeToo, and #TimesUp, has taken the spotlight, and put viral fire to feminism unlike anything we’d seen in generations. This past week’s confirmation of Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, despite the palpably sincere and dignified testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford (and Kavanaugh’s jaw-droppingly angry and partisan rebuttal), has only re-fired the engines. So it’s interesting to look back a year and see what at least one feminist with a tiny bit of reservation thought at the movement’s opening bell. But while we’re at it, we want to say that Next Tribe is honored to have discovered that one of its readers is the very woman–Mechelle Vinson–whose years of courageous fighting–against legal odds and experiential pain and abuse–decades ago made sexual harassment the federal crime that it is. (By a unanimous Supreme Court vote, in fact; sad irony, anyone?) But Mechelle Vinson wrote, in her very gracious letter, appreciating NextTribe’s “activism and spirited good will” and acknowledging the site’s “endeavors for the betterment of humanity” — that we’d made an error in that year-old piece. We had said she’d been “molested” by her father. (“My bad,” says the essay’s author, Sheila Weller.) Instead, Mechelle’s father “physically and emotionally abused” her, “throughout my childhood,” she writes, resulting in substantial medical and psychological pain. We hereby change the text, with apologies to Mechelle and with continued great gratitude for the great fight she fought, the foundation for the fight we are continuing with now. We are honored that this heroic pioneer is reading NextTribe.
***
I’m a little nervous about what I am going to say—and the fact that I’m nervous maybe proves that I should say it, after all. But there’s possibly some credence to the #MeToo backlash that has been going on.
First of all, some bona fides: I’ve been a feminist writer for 40 years. I’ve written two books on women murdered by their husbands and a book on brutal rapes in an upscale community and on the preppy rapist who got away with them for years. I’ve written articles about heinously sexist custody case resolutions that stripped loving mothers of their children and on employment, medical, military, and legal-rights discrimination. I’ve told the stories of strippers and women in prostitution and in abusive cults who harrowingly slipped those bonds of oppression to help others out of the same dilemmas. And I’ve told many true stories of women and girls who were molested or harassed by powerful family members or friends.
The fact that I’m nervous about writing this maybe proves that I should say it after all.
So, of course, like everyone else, I was disgusted, outraged, riveted, and obsessed by the Harvey Weinstein saga, with his burgeoning number of victims—famous, beautiful women we assumed had power—coming out day by day by day; by the shouldn’t-be-startling-but-it-was truth that so, so many people knew about Weinstein’s revolting abuses and bullying; and by the details of how he got away with it for so long.
The new movement that has risen, phoenix-like, in the wake of this revolting and compelling story—#MeToo and the fresh, intense, righteous attention paid to sexual harassment—is more than heartening: it’s necessary. We’re seeing how many, many women have suffered sexual harassment and realizing how forcefully we must attack it as an issue now. Aligned with a feminism that’s been growing in Hollywood for several years, now, as well as the across-America “bad-ass feminism” that erupted gloriously in the post-Inaugural women’s marches, this movement seems here to stay. And here to make a difference.
So 300 cheers for this great new fervor. But … a few words of bitten-lip caution, too. When a movement gets rolling this hard so fast, especially in the (excuse the cliché) social media age, there can be a touch of unintended blindness and intolerance attached to it. Not to rain on its parade, but here are some cautionary thoughts:
Let’s be careful that this cause sparked by glamorous movie stars not be unintentionally elitist, and let’s remember its roots.
Jacki Lyden, globe-traveling reporter and longtime NPR correspondent, wrote a long Facebook post that made a lot of sense. I quote from it with her permission.
I am somewhat on the fence about the #MeToo campaign. Yes, it highlights the ubiquity of female harassment, but aren’t we extending it mainly to people who HAVE social media accounts,…who hold high profile jobs or write books or head agencies…? I don’t hold that against people; I’ve been those things myself. [But] aren’t we overwhelmingly white and educated? What about all those who don’t have these accounts, who don’t speak English, who are chattel, who were sold into sex trafficking, etc.
Excellent point. In answer to which it might be time to recall that the person who made workplace sexual harassment federal law was a woman named Mechelle Vinson, whose travails were far from a Red Carpet life. Mechelle, a woman of color, had been physically and emotionally abused by her father throughout her childhood. She escaped him by marrying at 15, but the man who promised to protect her beat her regularly. When, in 1974, at 18, Mechelle left him to become a teller at a Washington D.C. bank, the bank’s manager, an ex-Army sergeant in his 40s, took her to dinner and said, “If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll destroy you.” Thus began four years of forced sex and terror.
The person who made workplace sexual harassment federal law was a woman named Mechelle Vinson, whose travails were far from a Red Carpet life.
I interviewed Mechelle about twelve years ago, and she was lovely and gracious enough to be a Miramax actress, but her life had been hell. “I came to believe it was my fate to be abused,” she told me. With herculean strength and two outstanding female lawyers, Patricia Barry and the renowned Catharine MacKinnon, she battled her truth all the way up to the Supreme Court, and on an early summer day in 1986, she prevailed, winning a unanimous 9-to-0 (you heard that right) decision after eight years of court battles. “I’m so grateful I was part of the change, but it’s just beginning,” Mechelle told me. “We still have a lot to do, teaching our sons to respect women, and teaching our daughters: ’Let no one treat you that way.’”
I’ll tag #MeToo (even though I have been lucky, or weird, enough to have experienced very little sexual harassment). But I’d rather have a tee shirt with Mechelle’s lovely face and inspiring words on it.
Let’s be sisterly with women who dare deviate from the party line.
What is Gwyneth thinking here? We have an idea now.
Lisa Bloom signed on as Weinstein’s “counselor” and—OK, let’s be honest—spin doctor, and she was immediately ripped a new one by feminist professionals. How could a lawyer who defended abused women defend a serial abuser? My immediate feeling was that the complaint wasn’t fair. When I did a piece last year on feminist attorney Susan Estrich’s defending Roger Ailes, I talked to female defense attorneys who were furious at the sexist double standard. Male defense attorneys could defend anyone needy of defense, even if they personally disagreed with them; women had to stay in their gender or sympathy lanes. How patronizing!
But when it turned out that Bloom advocated showing photos of Weinstein with his victims looking friendly with him, I changed course and stopped feeling bad that she was dumped upon. Still, my sympathy shot back up when she immediately resigned from Weinstein’s team and then said, two or three or four times, what a mistake it had been for her to have worked for him in the first place. I felt she had been hurt by the constant attacks on her integrity—most of them from women.
When Donna Karan made an unfortunate remark that Weinstein’s victims may have dressed too provocatively, I posted a shame-on-Donna! Facebook post, and more than a hundred incensed friends, mostly female, furiously agreed as they did on many other critical posts as well. Well, it turns out that Karan had been questioned after an exhausting, 14-hour plane trip, did not know what had come out about Weinstein (accusations she had not heard about before), and, instead of wisely saying she was in no position to comment, apparently mainly called him “wonderful” in regard to his philanthropy. Does a poor choice of words undo 40 years of empowering women through a wildly popular clothing line that addressed their needs, as well as major philanthropy for AIDS, ovarian cancer and complementary medicine for the very ill?
It turns out that Karan had been questioned after an exhausting, 14-hour plane trip and did not know what had come out about Weinstein.
Finally, Mayim Bialik, an actress I had never heard of, wrote a New York Times Op Ed opining that her conservative dress—she was raised as a religious Jew—may have helped her escape the harassment so prevalent in her field. The essay was leapt upon as prissy and “blame-the-victim!” even though Bialik said in it that women should be able to dress however they want. “Why are we the ones who have to police our behavior?” she asked.
Still, the outcry against her was so deafening that she posted a Twitter apology profuse enough to have been on bended knee: “I am truly sorry for causing so much pain, and I hope you can all forgive me.” She had the right to her opinion, and the opinion could have been a valuable door-opener to a frank, pragmatic conversation about avoiding sexual harassment. Instead, it sounded to me like she was berated into humiliation and retreat.
Sisterhood is powerful (sorry for that old saw) when women are given wide berth for unorthodox opinions, employment choices, and mistakes. Let’s keep an open-opinion door policy regarding sexual harassment—it’s a fuzzy area to begin with. Is every cretinous male who comes on to you an harasser equal in trauma-rendering potential to a near rapist—or, as with the famous banana line, isn’t sometimes a creep just a creep?
Let’s cut the ingratiating and confessing guys a little slack.
What seems to be happening in this movement is the bar keeps getting higher. So a few guys like Matt Damon wrote Twitter posts that “as a father of daughters,” they were especially upset or newly enlightened on the issue. “Stop Mentioning Your Daughters When Denouncing Harvey Weinstein,” wrote The Cut’s Hunter Harris. Harris had a good—and wittily stated—point: “Having a daughter shouldn’t be a requirement for internalizing the problems of working within a sexist industry. Your wives gave birth to a baby girl, not a moral compass.”
The opinions of men and women are affected by their children (and their mates, and their friends, and their colleagues).
But men and women are affected by their children (and their mates, and their friends, and their colleagues). Damon—and New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, who referred to his three daughters in saying he would turn back Weinstein campaign donations—“meant well,” as our mothers would say of someone who gave us a corny present.
Others—like Quentin Tarantino, with his I-knew-then-but-didn’t-tell-and-I’m sorry: not so much. Is he truly remorseful now for keeping a secret about apparent abuse of a woman, even though such convenient secret-keeping was the rule of the game back then? Or might he be pre-empting another potentially damaging article? Hard to tell—but better late than never.
The dude who told it most powerfully—and his post went viral—is screenwriter Scott Rosenberg, who admitted, of the perks of working for Weinstein: “[W]e really, really, really, really LIKED them eggs” [the awards, the status]. “So we were willing to overlook what the Golden Goose was up to, in the murky shadows behind the barn…And for that, I am eternally sorry. To all of the women that had to suffer this…I am eternally sorry.”
No other “rights” cause—except gay marriage and transgenderism—has been heightened as much over the past several decades as what constitutes sexual abuse.
For perspective: No other “rights” cause—except gay marriage and transgenderism—has been heightened as much over the past several decades as what constitutes sexual abuse. In 1997, a virginal girl who was violently raped by a schoolmate who drove her home from a party could only be considered a credible witness-stand victim if she hadn’t had a single sip of beer at the preceding party and hadn’t called her father first to try to get him to pick her up. Today, a young woman can have several hook-ups with a guy but if, during a mutual session of physical affection, even if she had been drinking, she said “no” and he refused to or didn’t hear it, he is deemed a rapist, pure and simple. In exchange for this higher credibility of the rights of women, let’s cut the guys a little slack—not too much, and not where it counts (power, lying, complicity). But with ham-handed expressions of sympathy and guilt for silence—yes.
If it’s true—and it sure feels true—that Weinstein was get-able now (but never before) because his success and power have been eroded, then let’s make a vow to go after the still-powerful perpetrators, too.
It seems pretty much the case that Hollywood, like other realms (surprise!) has a lot of people who are motivated by self-interest and who aren’t interested in being dispensable martyrs who will “never work again” because they tried to bring a bad guy to justice and failed miserably against his expensive team of lawyers and his deep connections.
If we only go after those who are safely slipping from their pinnacles, we will never lance this epidemic hiding in clear sight.
Well, just as the bar for talking about sexual harassment is being raised, the standards for bravery in the face of it should be raised as well. There are other bad guys out there—powerful, intimidating ones in all fields. If we only go after those who are safely slipping from their pinnacles, we will never lance this epidemic hiding in clear sight.
Harmony Grillo spent sad, humiliating years as a stripper and then got her MSW from UCLA. She later founded an organization, Treasures, that has gently and effectively helped thousands of trafficked girls and women get out of the “life,” achieve self-esteem, and disempower their abusers. I once did a bus ride-along with Harmony as she and her fellow ex-strippers visited tawdry clubs all over L.A. and left “You are worthy!” presents in the dressing rooms of women so ravaged by defeat and self-deprecation that they were used to having coins thrown at them while they pole-danced and vomiting after lap dances with revolting men. All of this to support their children.
Harmony and her colleagues have nurtured these wounded women enough for them to leave or fight back against their powerful “clients” and pimps. She says, “It is endlessly inspiring to see how empowered a ’powerless’ woman can be when she has a revelation of her true worth and value. This, coupled with a healthy support system, has enabled countless women to walk away from their abusers and exploiters and break the chains of sexual violence, exploitation, and abuse.”
It is endlessly inspiring to see how empowered a `powerless’ woman can be when she has a revelation of her true worth and value.
I love that major female movie stars/producers like Reese Witherspoon are feeling “unalone” for the first time by sharing their secrets. I am not being the slightest big sarcastic: their heartfelt confessions unburdened them and lift all ships.
But the words of Harmony Grillo about the despondent, resourceless women she’s helped rescue (many of them kicking violent men to the curb in the process) sends a stronger message: With enough determination and bravery, a supposedly low-on-the-totem pole person in any industry, legitimate or maligned, can defeat the abuse of a powerful man—or bring it from shadow to light. It’s not easy but it’s possible. And that’s a worthy—and now, a necessary—goal.
A version of this article was originally published in October 2017.
NextTribe says
Sheila Weller Maybe we need an update on this. It’s all moving so fast.
Sheila Weller says
Agree, Let me write you, Jeannie Ralston.
Danae Parcells-Ward says
If I ever saw my daughter and her father in that position I’d cut his nuts off. You freaks defending this animal, this PUSSY grabbing fucking pervert this sexual predator has probably molested his daughter…
Corinda John-Lucas says
Sorry ladies but this picture is gross. I would never let my daughter sit on her father’s lap like this and hold his face while looking at him like a girl in love. Especially since he’s talked about his daughter in a sexual way and there are many pictures of him dancing with her in clubs like he’d dance with someone he is attracted to.
Gina Pfeiffer says
I know the real price of speaking up and I have not stopped. It is sad that it has taken so many years to get this level of attention.
Sandra Lynn Finch says
It’s GREAT.
Mary Poe says
Me too…at least 4 times in life. Once as a child.
Denise Vecchi Waack says
This was a very well written piece. I remember taking my teenagers to a Christian counselor. He wanted to speak to me alone. I spilled my guts about all the terrible stuff that happened to me. He said, “Oh my…you didn’t even cry.” But I cried today about some of it. It’s not something I like to talk about and I understand why many women don’t tell anyone. They are scared as I was. But I’m 63 years old, and this last year I was sexually harassed by a guy I was renting a storage space. He sent me a stupid text that went something like this..”I know I’m not supposed to say this but I like you.” When I lied and told him
I was in a relationship he started threatening me about late fees and said he could take my stuff. Not sure if I should press charges but I guess what I’m saying is it never ends
Denise Vecchi Waack says
The Metoo movement is good except we really don’t get anything accomplished if when women are sexually harassed at work, they don’t tell anyone except me and quit. I’ve seen this so many times. Missouri isn’t doing enough about this problem
Kim Hrabovsky says
Long overdue
Katherine Schell Rodriguez says
George Takei, Richard Dreyfuss and Gary Goddard accused of sexual misconduct…Now what..
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/ct-sexual-misconduct-george-takei-richard-dreyfuss-gary-goddard-20171111-story.html
Pam Freeman says
It isn’t just Hollywood! !!! THAT is the point! Women are treated this way everyday, everywhere. And it wasn’t talked about. Men joke about it, but don’t know the guy they’re laughing with has actually DONE the things he’s joking about (or wants to) and women were always told, “That’s just the way the world works, honey, grow up!” The #me,too was to show just how prevalent the issue is and to get men to wake the hell up to the reality that their daughters, wives, mothers and sisters have almost ALL been objectified, approached, touched, and abused and, moreover, unprotected without their knowledge while they laughed at all the sick “cute” jokes right under their noses.
Ladies, stand together, not apart and support each other. Stop your judgement unless you’ve walked that same road.
Mary Kay Ryan-Geditz says
I’m with you Pam!
Kit Louise Strand says
I am wondering why all these women – a part from a few who actually contacted the police – haven’t come out before, and personally I don’t accept the excuse about how vulnerable women are. Nonsense! If you are victim of a crime you contact the police. Period.
Kim Zody Ruppert says
I’m with you on this.
Shelley Graham says
I thought all this coming out has been commonly known for years!! At least I’ve always heard about it and I’m 53 yrs old. Too bad a lot of the well known people who have known about it FOREVER could not have come forward sooner to help prevent some of it!!
Darcy MotoKitty says
I posted a very hesitant “ME TOO”, it was LIBERATING & empowering to finally get this out. Yet I took it down a day later…. watching people making light of this, “shamed” me right back into silence. Ugh. #mybad 🙁
Moira Clinton says
Well thought out article. Good people, both men and women, need to support each other and not tear each other down. Maybe we need to rethink how we’re raising our children and start there.
Therese Scarlati says
Omg. A picture of a dad and daughter, thanks moron for making abuse a joke. You don’t deserve the attention I’m giving you but as a SURVIVOR AND a warrior for others U needed to tell you what I felt,. You are one sick person.
Cathy Mask says
Leave it to an idiot to try to make this about the President. How sad your life must be.
Grace Nugget says
What a lot of people don’t seem to realize is that this is the fabric of Hollywood. Always has been. For we’ll over a hundred years it’s been the status quo. During the 1920’s it was out of control with Louie B Meyer, of MGM had these big wigs and even the chief of police involved in the flagrant rapes and assult of so many women. Those 1920 movies showing so many women dancing to those huge Broadway films were assulted and raped. Where were these women to go? To the police? ?? The chief of police is involved too. People just do not appreciate how entrenched this is. There would be no women in Hollywood at all if they were to all come forward. It’s been the landscape since the start with next to no recourse. The fact that so many people think this is just about Weinstein don’t have a clue. There was a documentary shown on HBO I think it was titled Girl 45. Went into the whole thing. This was on maybe…3 years ago….still nothing. No outrage. Nothing. I just feel people in general just do not care about women being molested and raped. Some of the most bitter of tongue lashings about these victims, come from other women. It’s a long sad tale.
Sonya Lynn says
What a lot of people don’t seem to realize (because they don’t read the news) is that this is the fabric of the republican party. You elected one.
Grace Nugget says
This this is not a discussion about the Republican party. This discussion concerns Hollywood. I did not “elect one”. Try and keep on topic, if you even can.
LuAnna Jackson Wehrman says
This is the fabric of America. It happens in every industry and every walk of life. It crosses parties and religions.
Grace Nugget says
Exactly. Just so happens Hollywood is the topic, but what you said is absolutely true. All the “me too” remarks are coming from everywhere because it happens everywhere.
Therese Scarlati says
Sonya Lynn REALLY??? NO BILL Clinton is and was
Furthermore ever wonder what happened to those Haitian children that Hillary covered the orphan house owner for? Hmmmmmmm and two people investigating the Haitian children disappearance died or. Committed suicide? My guess the kids,are in Saudis Arabia
Therese Scarlati says
Sonya Lynnever hear of Air Lolita???? The plane Clinton dodged secret service to be on with Spacey and other sick f s? If you want to make stupid statements be prepared to be called STUPID.
Abby Cole says
Grace Nugget Hollywood is not the topic. If you looked past the picture and read the article you’d know it is about women other Ryan red carpet walkers.
Seal Dungan says
Therese Scarlati 45 took many a flight on air lolita
Denise Vecchi Waack says
Grace Nugget I saw that documentary and I remember Joan Crawford talking about Louis B. Mayer. Had he raped her…?
Paula Madrid says
Ron Luebke FYI
Bella Edery says
The beauty of #metoo is, enough women felt empowered enough to actually speak up & enough actually people believed them so even more women came forward (& men too) It’s about creating a climate where victims feel as if they won’t be victimized again just for admitting what happened to them.
Courtney McKinley says
Always good to bring light into the darkness. Speaking out and coming together, it’s a powerful step towards change
Charlotte Ransone Reeser says
I’m willing to bet that nearly every woman is a “me, too”.
Cathy Belanger Chasse says
Ill tell you what I think. I am appalled that successful actresses the likes of Jolie and Paltrow did not come forward at least after achieving success. At that point they did not have to fear Weinstein. By speaking up they could have saved many young actresses from going through what they did. Now they are coming forward in the safety of the crowd. They disgust me.
Paula Madrid says
I believe that such disclosures would have been handled as tabloid trash with public opinion opening the wounds and at least 50% declaring these women liars. Lawsuits. Slander is easier to prove than sexual misconduct.
Cathy Belanger Chasse says
Paula Madrid
I’m just not buying that. Not when it comes to the mega stars. If they didn’t have the courage at the time when it mattered then don’t cry me a river now.
Yvette Montero Kisling says
Have we learned nothing from the Cosby case? Smh.
Beverly Quarles Beacham says
Also Jolie & Paltrow didn’t need him to jumpstart their careers, they were born into Hollywood families.
Erica Swerdlow says
Nobody should be judging victims AT ALL. You have no idea of their circumstances. Gwyneth Paltrow was 22 and did what any 22 would do, she told her boyfriend. Only judge the abuser and the people above him who could have stopped it, period.
Katie Soyka says
When we stop calling ourselves and each other bitch , milf, thot and other degrading names and start treating ourselves with respect than maybe others will follow . I am sick of hearing women using those words to describe each other.
Bede Marshall says
Read Ronan Farrow’s recent article in The New Yorker. Harvey attempted to pit the women against one another. That did not work! Solidarity and respect to one another!
Sandra Lynn Finch says
Tell it like it is.
Becky Nance says
I think it’s very easy to judge if you have no experience.
Kathleen Gust Martin says
I think its a huge price to pay for success and fame.
Cindy Davis Phillips says
I have no objection to me too, but I’m wondering why they did not stop it then? These are not young new girls nor in a generation they couldn’t. Some of them worked for this man anyway. They even went to functions where he was which I do get. If they had spoken up perhaps saved others? I’m not sure, I’m not trying to judge just understand. I hate things that put a split in people, and some of the women sound as if they think all men are guilty. I know it happens but I’ve seen a lot women guilty at least of sexual harassment as well even joking around.
Michele Paccione says
Why did the men not stop sexually assaulting people?
Cindy Davis Phillips says
Well that’s a question everyone wants to know isn’t it? You can’t control someone’s behavior but you can control what you do about it
Ellen Burt says
Cindy Davis Phillips, you are maybe forgetting that the men had the power. If you blew the whistle on Harvey Weinstein you’d never work again. Plus people immediately doubt a woman’s veracity (why did she go to his room? why didn’t she speak up sooner? the list goes on.) There are hundreds of reasons women put up with this. Mainly they don’t think they have much choice or better options.
After my mother died, my stepfather made inappropriate overtures to me. When he wouldn’t stop, I spoke up—to him and to my family. My brother refused to even listen to my accusations (got up and left the room). My own sister didn’t believe me (thought I “misinterpreted” his words/actions and “overreacted.” I am estranged from the lot of them now. I still don’t regret speaking up, but the price of doing so can be high.
Cindy Davis Phillips says
They do have power but they could make a choice, if he wanted me to come to his hotel room I’d know exactly what he wanted. Therefore I make a choice don’t go which means no job or go and possible job provided I give sex. If I did go I made a decision myself. Women are not weak and I refuse to think we are acting out generations of the past. We can and have been able to say no and if it’s not taken stand up immediately. I was a victim of assault as a child, and I watched women fight for rights in the sixties. Yet for some reason they won’t say no or speak up. I’m not willing to believe so many of us are that afraid in this day and time. I stood up at 15 in a time when definitely we were burned.
Cindy Davis Phillips says
But I hope Harvey Weinstein gets what he deserves.
McGail Ann says
I’m sure a lot of wives do this.
Anita Winter says
We all have a personal responsibility to speak up immediately for self Children learn truth and integrity by example.
Laura Detterich Thies says
I think the relaxed environment and lowering bar on what is acceptable on TV, Radio, in the classroom and in the home makes all women feel a bit uncomfortable and harassed all the time. The gray area is just so big now.
Shielah Jones says
Thank the broads who brought us the sexual revolution….
Ellen Ryan Manger says
Thank the men who treat women as property.
ReaEllen Tompkins says
My life experiences have divulged in a 12 step program to my sponsor. I’ve swept my side of the street. I am recovered
Janey Davis Ursrey says
Adeline Duff says
Jerri Honn Smith….remember one of the doctors who we all tried to avoid? If he got on the elevator you got off, try not to do rounds with , stay out of arms length with. .etc etc.. ..who could we complain to except each other ? Certainly not the hospital ….us or them ??? Sure was not us eh ?
Denise Throndsen says
Yes, it’s me 1,000. These stupid and desperate men actually think we’d be interested in them? They are creepy, chubby and desperate. Classy men don’t behave like this!
Pam Bird says
What does “chubby” have to do with anything? Only fat men are predators?
Denise Throndsen says
Don’t be offended by the word chubby, thin men can be predators too, it does seem like the majority of them have less than perfect bodies, meaning, they think women would actually be attracted to them.
Denise Throndsen says
Pam Bird
Pam Freeman says
It seems to be the point entirely– certain men, who know they are not “desirable ” seek to hold power over women in any way they can. They feel entitled to take what they want. They do not want “you” to want them, they want you to bend to them and the power they feel they have over you.
Denise Throndsen says
Very well put! And that’s part of their problem, it would never even occur, nor do they care, of their own attraction towards women. Yes, it’s all about power!
Lynn Liefer says
Casting couch. Isn’t this a known fact? Sleazy as it is?
Paula Madrid says
Bigger than just that.
Courtney McKinley says
Well, no time like the present to make a change!
Kristin Martin Duus says
Having a daughter who is studying acting at college and wants to pursue this as a career I have to ask you, just because there has always been a ‘casting couch,’ do you really think young actresses should put up with it?
Lynn Liefer says
Absolutely not. I’m glad it is getting shut down hopefully! I’m going to delete my comment. Sorry.
Theresa Klacman says
Personally I didnt see the point, but if you have been carrying around a sexual offense against you that you have not been able to overcome and posting “me too” helps you to move in that direction then by all means go for it. I considered it briefly but honestly if your a person who has lived for any period of time beyond a few months you can probaly post “me too” on your page. Its sad, but sexual abuse/assault and unwanted overtures are every day occurrences.
Paula Madrid says
Tasteless overtures are simply unfortunate and inactionsble in most situations. We are discussing at several levels: whether sexual harassment happens on the job (actionable
). Forced physical contact (actionable) or lewd manners outside the workplace. We are hoping to affect change at every level. So arguments that women sell their souls for fame is but a fraction of the overall offenses.
Sandra Ward says
What a disgusting pig from hell!!!!l
Sheryl Lynn Bialoruski says
And while American is preoccupied, Manhattan happens…
Wake up folks.
Emily Catherine Dolton says
Yeah. This article is not a win for me. It feels like it was written with hesitant judgement of others and I think the reason women don’t speak out is because we’re already cautious.
Marcia Silverman says
And as victims, we are again being blamed. Judged and abused again, this time by other women. This is why it is so tough to come forward.
Paula Madrid says
Don’t recall if I read this article, truer relevant thoughts are shared well in comments. A little taken aback that some women really think #metoo is worthless.
Karen Gattis says
Time to speak out
Paula Haefner says
Interesting most if not all women commenting. I’d love to know what men, almost all men think. Are they feeling bad and/or wondering if they’ve ever done this or seen it happen?
Karen Gattis says
Man like this don’t do this in front of people. It’s like blaming children who are sexually abused by their care takers.
Paula Madrid says
Many men feel entitled and think a woman should be flattered. They also think their ejaculate is a “gift.”
“I want to cum on your tits”…WTF gives them the notion this is a good idea? I protested “ NOT ON MY UPHOLSTERY!” This was during consensual sex but I didn’t agree to that! !!!
Just to make a point that they think some stuff is Of course, desirable. Porn gives them these ideas or does it just come to them ??
Paula Haefner says
Paula Madrid pun tended? I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry at you comment. I often wonder if they’re taught these things by their father.
Maria Lambert says
This “movement” makes all men automatically guilty just because they are men. This piece dies nothing to caution against the need for due process and/or due diligence to avoid ruining the lives of innocent men. Now, before y’all blow your little feminist tops everything about sexual harassment and sexual assault is reprehensible. Any man or woman that sexually harassed or sexually abuses another should be punished. Every person that is sexually harassed or abused should be believed, however….. a big however….it does not make any man automatically guilty. We must guard against feminist fear and hate hurting people that should not be huryt.
Georgia Armstrong says
I think the women have a right to come forward. I think it is sad that good men are being damaged as if the scummy Weinstein crowd are the norm. They are not the norm. Good guys are the norm.
Laura Sommer says
Most of my guy friends were seriously surprised by how many of us there are
Mary Hamilton says
I like it for raising awareness: this shit is really happening and has always happened, people! Wake up! But the Hollywood style virtue signaling that’s attached to it isn’t helping.
Michele Loyd Davis says
It’s like being a victim has became a badge of honor. Women need to be stronger and not allow themselves to become victims because of some job. You can get another job, no job is worth allowing yourself to be abused. Kick the bad guys in the nuts and move on.
Sacha Jones says
i do not think there is any “badge of honour” involved – and all the women I know (self included) ARE strong and often there was not another job opportunity. Nice idea of kicking the bad guys i the nuts and moving on, but really?
Michele Loyd Davis says
I was taught kicking an attacker in the nuts is a great self defense move. Of course if it’s just verbal abuse, you wouldn’t literally kick them In the nuts, just castrate them verbally. I would definitely start looking for another job, ASAP.
Jeni Lee Smith says
Right…..
Claudia Wood says
Sacha Jones so if there’s no other job opportunity??……
Maila Bala Acampora says
Michele Loyd Davis ?
Jerri Honn Smith says
I was a young secretary in a hospital on the evening shift at the central desk on the medical floor. I had to be there. Out of the blue one of the doctors would confront me making innuendos and sort of groaning noises. He’d stand with his penis near my eye level. I was paid well for not being a college graduate. This man would seek me out and approach me when no one was at the desk. I would try to avoid him. My heart would race. I would try to find others. It did not stop. It was in the 1980s. No one was going to believe me or do anything. He made money for the Hospital. I was very young and not as sure of myself as I am now. Luckily I eventually got transferred to the day shift with more people around and could avoid him so #MeToo!
Michele Loyd Davis says
Jerri Honn Smith What happened to you was wrong. I wish you could of had the confidence to tell the scuzzy doctor he was inappropriate. We need to raise our girls to be strong enough to put dirty old men in their place. No job is worth putting up with despicable behavior. #NoToVictimMentality
Carrie Griffin Wrobleski says
Michele Loyd Davis exactly and they prey on young girls often who haven’t experienced life for long. I told both of my girls you dictate how you are treated. I was never harassed in this way because I had three brothers and didn’t take shit off of them either. You learn early how to fight against getting bullied. I do believe when this happens you ask them very loudly where people can hear “ please stop that is inappropriate talk” because they are hoping to embarrass you but when you do it to them it isn’t as fun for them. They are cowards.
Linda Johnson says
It’s a difficult position to put a young girl in, and when she’s being sexually harassed by an older, more powerful man, telling him to stop may make it worse. In the Federal Government, the victim can go to her boss who must take it seriously then take steps. In the film industry, the actress can be blacklisted and called difficult to work with. I’m so glad people are shining a light on this behavior. Knowing you can lose your job may force much of it to go away.
Paula Madrid says
Michele Loyd Davis I’m strong enough, seasoned enough NOW to do as you suggest. We are aiding younger people to be ready and deal. Rising in a career is often not an element in these occurrences.
Kathy Scheffler says
Because of some job? Are you for real? I had no choice to stay at my job while the owner’s son liked to feel me up in the office. I had rent and other bills to pay and even looking for new work can take a long time to find. I would have had to answer on a job application “what was your reason for leaving your last job”? How do you explain something like that? Stop judging and start thinking.
Michele Loyd Davis says
Kathy Scheffler It must be awful to feel like you have no choice but to let some man physically abuse you. As for reasons for leaving a job? Here are just a few you could use:
1)You are looking for better career prospects, professional growth and work opportunities.
2)You want a change in career direction.
3)You are looking for new challenges at work.
Dianne Jelden says
Sadly it isn’t me too – it’s me two or me three – or me . . .
Kathy Britt says
I think it’s great. I find too often womyn don’t support womyn.
Terri Barrett says
What’s up with the spelling? What does “womyn” mean?
Kathy Britt says
Thanks for asking. It’s a nonstandard alternative spelling adopted by some feminists. In my case, it gives me a feeling of unity and support.
Claudia Wood says
Oh for God’s sake
Harriet Lovely Benchoff says
Kathy Britt not to sound mean or critical but, seriously, a feeling of unity and support with people who simply refuse to spell correctly? That is one of the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.. but to each their own I suppose.
Kathy Britt says
Harriet Lovely Benchoff no offense taken. I appreciate your comment. As you know, the English language is constantly evolving. This spelling, although not standard, has made its way into the dictionary.
Paula Madrid says
Harriet Lovely Benchoff it’s rather like the Ms vs Miss…they can spell, similar differentiation. I learned it from a lesbian and comprehended its importance to her.
Teresa Smith-Hernandez says
Opinions are like assholes.
Maureen Franklin says
I think #Metoo is putting a perspective on how widespread sexual assaults are. And if it helps victims in anyway, I’m all for it.
Kathy Scheffler says
Thank you.
June Feinstein Michaels says
Very unpopular opinion but WHY is there no awareness or concern towards women who are abused & assaulted NON-sexually? Domestic violence. Female genital mutilation. Honour killings & maimings. Do those things not matter?
Celeste Landry McCarty says
Of course it does! All those things matter! However, one area of needed focus doesn’t negate the importance of other areas of needed focus-don’t fall for the cognitive mistake of “whataboutism.”
June Feinstein Michaels says
I “fall” for it because these issues are all too often swept under the rug.
Carolyn Street says
Very important; Go for it! Not swept under the rug, just needs more activists. Get involved. Find the cause that moves you, and move others.
June Feinstein Michaels says
I’ve been advocating for years, & talking it up till l’m blue in the face; you are SO right
Cheryl Swift says
Stop flashing on the past…. work on your NOW attitude
Marcia Silverman says
Having been molested at 12, it lasted months before I was able to tell someone. I was threatened if I told, my attacker would beat up cousins I loved. I was never allowed to talk about it. It has affected my entire life, my marriage and my ability to trust.
Cheryl Pettijohn says
So judgmental Cheryl.
Kathy Scheffler says
I didn’t admit to anyone I had been molested until decades later. First of all, there was no way for me to prove it. Second, I was too embarrassed to talk about it. Get off of your high horse.
Cheryl Swift says
Cheryl Pettijohn No…just being real about it.
Wheels in motion…move forward… learn from the past..and if you have it bottled up… go to someone to talk to..not social media..it just stirs the pot.
My voice is just as important as yours..
Anita Emrich Droog says
Bottom line is this happens speak up.
Shannon Adams says
Sure brought up some old traumas. It’s been painful, actually.
Paula Madrid says
Which happens daily but I hope this time is TRUE catharsis.
Nancy Byerley Grobmyer says
It’s happening now to actor Cory Feldman for exposing Hollywood pediophelia.
Amy Garrett-Cowan says
But he’s waiting to get paid before exposing them. smh….
Paula Madrid says
Amy Garrett-Cowan yeah, always did believe him but his filmed post for money to make a documentary smacked of diminished integrity. Want him just to name names but I suppose he needs to pay for legal costs to defend what might be called slander. Grateful he opened the Pandora’s box but disappointed now.
Susie Marie says
You have no idea how much court costs, therapy he’s going to need to get through this…. there’s not enough money in the world, but he deserves every dime!!! Unless you’ve been in his shoes… seriously, you have no idea the toll it will/ could take on him.
Nicki Minozzi says
I’m not sure if posting “me too” will help in anyway. It’s deeply personal. It takes years to overcome – if at all. It becomes a part of your psyche – whether you want it to or not. Some victims never speak because it’s not their story. And fall out from the assault can be worse than the assault itself. As a mother – it’s your worst nightmare. As a daughter it’s unthinkable. As a sister it’s traumatizing. As a friend it’s shocking. As a niece it’s confusing. As a cousin it’s surprising. As a teacher it’s disheartening. As a college students it’s disgusting. As an employee it’s humiliating. When the perp is a member of the family – it’s dizzying. Imagine your world spinning out of control and never getting righted. Like a tsunami with nuclear fall-out which wipes away an entire country or providence. This is what is carried around inside. It inflicts isolating pain which gets somewhat smothered by attempts to put the past behind you and carry on with life. But it never goes away. It’s always there ready to come to the surface. So – yea – I’ll type the trite “me too” but know with ME – it’s radioactive desolation which has forever changed my life.
Carolyn Street says
I’m sorry this happened to you. The “me too” campaign is effective in taking down big name powerful men who have hundreds of victims and the power to make and break careers. It attracts more testimony from victims who have nothing to lose/gain, it emboldens victims with a lot to lose.
I wish their was a similar help for incest survivors. I hope @metoo helps in some way.
Sonia Arriaga Stafford says
Mine was a family member and when I came forward they turned him into the victim. So I had to heal myself…..for 44 years. I haven’t forgiven any of them. I think about it everyday especially now. What makes me mad is the women who did it to get a part in a movie is disgusting. Children are the real victims.
Robin Lee Rodgers Grindstaff says
Mine was my own father with the help of my mother. When I ask her about it she said let it go he’s dead. I wanted to know how she could send me into his room. She had 7 daughyers but only did it to 2 of us. I too got help for mysrlf and seceres the relationship with my mother. It is much more common in families then most people know. Sad thing is the victim is the one that takes the punishment not the person doing the crime
Laura Sommer says
I know for one that I learned a lot about my friends, and remembered a lot about myself
Diane Bausher says
Mechelle Vinson is a hero!
Susan Bright-Young says
I think it’s a group of Pathetic women, waiting in some cases 20 years to come forward. I don’t think all of these women were abused, I think about half of just jumped on the bandwagon. And the most pathetic thing about it then all waited until they got their career they wanted before they whined “oh poor me”. And for all you people that disagree with me, Don’t waste your time because I’ve got nothing to say…..it’s my opinion
Nancy Byerley Grobmyer says
Men in power have always been lecherous in all fields; corporate, medical, retail, whatever. It is very difficult to beat them when you take them on. They have all of the money, power and connections to squash you like a bug and make YOU look like a slut and worse
Your career is over, your name is smeared, etc. Now tell me why ANYONE would speak up against Goliath! Jiminy cricket, woman!!! Have you not ever been put in an awkward position by a man? Looking at your chest instead of you face when you have to converse with the boss man? It has been happening for DECADES!!! Sheez Louise!
NextTribe says
Don’t Feed The Troll.
Susan Bright-Young says
Bull shit Nancy Byerley Grobmyer, Men only have that power because women allow them to. When a woman waits 20 years and uses sex just like the man did to get her fame and fortune she’s not a victim. What a bitch.. I post my opinion, you comment on it then you tell me don’t waste my time because that’s your opinion well fuck your opinion
Nancy Byerley Grobmyer says
May I ask, how old are you, dear?
Nancy Byerley Grobmyer says
Goodbye. Watch out for Karma.
Susan Bright-Young says
Nancy Byerley Grobmyer, You know what I am not afraid of KARMA, yes I have had it happen to me and I dealt with it , I didn’t wait 20 years and then whine I dealt with it like a grown up. Has far as ugly b****** your opinion doesn’t matter to me and I have a 100 times more empathy then you’ll ever have
JoAnne Davis Proehl says
Susan Bright-Young – I agree with you!! By not reporting it when it happened, it gives the abuser/harasser a nod of approval and allows him to continue to do it to someone else. It became the price they were willing to pay for a career. These women who didn’t speak up when it happened sacrificed their integrity for a career. It’s too late to expect people to care!!
Laura Ebbert Wilmoth says
Wow, how completely objective and empathetic of you. I pray you not anyone you care about is ever assaulted.
June Feinstein Michaels says
Oh, here we go again with the “you’re ugly” crap. Can we please, as women, stop insulting each other’s looks? We get enough of that from men
Maureen Franklin says
Are we failing to remember the victim who did come forward? Yet DA Cyrus Vance refused to prosecute. Let’s not pretend women aren’t victimized all over again when they attempt to get justice.
Let’s just bandwagon blame the broads, because it’s always our fault.
Pfft
Claudia Wood says
Tour response is horrific she stated her opinion you might not agree with it but whatever This name calling to another woman is uncalled for you both had some good points but tou lost me with the vile nastiness
Paula Madrid says
JoAnne Davis Proehl simply not believed by boyfriend? Who’s gonna trust my word if my “best friends” didn’t. In 70’s free sex was perhaps accepted as just a thing.
Susan Bright-Young says
Claudia Wood, I Didn’t call anybody a name. Excuse me but I was the one that was called an ugly b****, all I said is her opinion doesn’t matter to me
Rebecca Stover says
Each woman circumstance is different. We don’t all have an situation where we are heard or a personality that allows for speaking out.. Sometimesxi reported it and nothing was done. Some times I physically harmed the aggressor. It has carried with my age andcwith the circumstances. Many years ago it was thought that you just had to deal with it. Their was no recourse. In fact you would only be laughed at or fired or embarrass others. Glad times have changed. But some one who has been beat down my take a while to even realise it and regain the strength to speak out. It may have nothing to do with a career move.
Sue Aldrich Temple says
how about those of us who did come forward and were told (by HR) deal with it or you can quit, women don’t belong here anyway. And yes I did quit, over and over again.
Kathryn Broome says
Wow, talk about bitches.
Laurie Gauthier-Jones says
I was sexually harassed in the late 80s.The political atmosphere is a lot different is .The fact that it was a very liberal office and I was known as the office’ *party girl*meant that no one would have believed me had I chose to prosecute. #Metoo gave me a voice finally after all these years
Valerie Gaye Mairs Williams says
It’s a start… I hope men get involved too… It’s sad when victims do t speak up… But it’s alway always the preditors fault!!! They use all minds of manipulation tactics to shut victims up… This include guilt, blaming the victim for the situation and death threats… I know… I was a victim…
Lynn says
This is the best article I have read yet on the subject. Thanks.
Just this quote alone…
“Your wives gave birth to a baby girl, not a moral compass.”
Tina K. VaLant says
I prefer Sharon Wacks ‘ view of #IWas
Laura Spencer Fitzpatrick says
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t know it’s a huge problem. I also know no one is gonna save you. You have to stand up and address it.
Paula Madrid says
Young targeted innocents might be better prepared to handle or avoid situations that took us by surprise. Can’t say where the statute of limitations should be. I doubt most of us believe our suffering is actionable. Tough to prove and absent penetration we have little to stand on. I’m all about arming young targets. Not looking for sympathy, blamed myself mostly.
Laura Spencer Fitzpatrick says
I don’t know any women who has not been assaulted if not raped. I really don’t get the point of declaring it.
Laura Ebbert Wilmoth says
To bring awareness to many who feel it is not an issue
Carolyn Street says
It’s empowering. It brought down Cosby. The internet is a new tool for victims ganging up on predators. We are like the flock of tiny birds attacking the hawk. Who will be our next target? Get out the golden parachutes, because some big guys are going down.
Paula Madrid says
Too STOP IT!! It was never right and should not be status quo.
June Feinstein Michaels says
I’ve never been sexually assaulted. I know that’s rare though
Willem van Spronsen says
With swagger we are trained and training predators.
Look around, look at your media- it’s endemic.
The patriarchy thrives on me as predator, you as bait.
Sick as we are, we’re offered solace in consumption, empty celebrity, and endless striving.
Free the mind, the ass will follow.
Sheli Story says
May I quote you on that?
Willem van Spronsen says
I stole the last part
Sheli Story says
Free the mind, the ass will follow ?
Willem van Spronsen says
Funkadelic !!!
Jenna Busch says
Rose McGowan and Corey Feldman are the two TRUE bold warriors in this long overdue power ‘castration’ (pun intended).
Kate says
Wow…a very long winded and demeaning article.
Claudia Wood says
By that i mean why all of a sudden why These e il
Predators should always be called out i admire the actress who spoke out first
Claudia Wood says
I think its pathetic group think
Sheli Story says
Me too was started ten fucking years ago. This world has been run by patriarchal assholes full of self entitlement and rage for over two thousand years. The problem with abuse is the silence on the subject. Shout it out people.
Lisa Bell says
I think it’s a good place to start
Glenda Zimmerman says
Should have started when the kids told of alcohol, drugs & sexual abuse
(Corey Feldman) was one !!!!
Why wait till it’s women who start telling ?????
Stan Stancyk says
I always believed him. So sad but I believe that the cause of THAT is what took Corey Haim so tragically as well. ?
Debra Carter says
Here’s my thoughts of #MeToo and why I get “annoyed” at multiples of women finally saying something.. probably not the right word but w/e…
Being an Adult survivor of Childhood incest… I AM NOT THE FIRST INCEST VICTIM OF MY FATHER!!!
But I am the first one to have put his ass in prison… I find out years later that he had messed with his own sister and a cousin of his…
I’m still mad as hell because…
Because of them … I was fair game to him…
Because of them …I was made to be a lair..
Because of them… I was the black sheep of the family when it should have been his ass!!
Because of them… I didn’t have a dad in my life after the age of 15. I had a child molester. I didn’t have my dad to give me away when I got married.. I didn’t have a dad to have a father/daughter dance with..
Because of them, my sister has no idea the amount of anguish I went through when our father died… Because he didn’t give me the closure I needed before he died… All I wanted to know was Why?
So even though it might be wrong to “blame” other victims for not coming out sooner..
But because others I was made to suffer.
That’s my thoughts about #MeToo
Glenda Zimmerman says
You are so right !!
Debra Carter says
thank you for the validation. And thank you for commenting after me.. I thought I killed the whole post..
Barbara Costian says
It is a terrible thing that you have suffered at the hands of someone who should have protected you. I feel that your anger is misplaced though, it was only because of Him, not “them” that you were transgressed. Victims cannot be blamed or held responsible for other victims. Only the perpetrator is to blame. Victimization does different things to different people. I hope you can get closure even though he is gone. There is no reason he could give you as to “why”. But you can move on and I think forgiving yourself and the other victims in your family would give you the greatest satisfaction.
NextTribe says
Wow. This is so powerful and true. Gut wrenching. We can not stay silent.
Glenda Zimmerman says
Barbara Costian I totally agree that HE is the sole perpetrator BUT not saying anything IS awful. Victim or not you can tell and save other people from being molested or abused. I feel you owe that to who could become a victim. If you see someone in the path of a car ?? You aren’t going to say anything?
Sorry I disagree on that point.
Cathy Blum Heape says
Yes, no matter if someone told or not you still wouldn’t have had the father you deserved. I too was a victim of incest and know how incredibly damaging it is. ❤️
Debra Carter says
Barbara Costian exactly what do I have to forgive myself for?
The fact I was 11 yrs old when he started messing with me?
The fact I was 11 when my step mother tried getting me put on birth control?
The fact that I tried fighting a 200-300lb grown man off of me?
The fact that I actually ran out the house buck naked once?
Or the fact I finally broke and told on him at the age of 15; and was asked by my stepmother why I was crying because she’s the one that missed out on all the sex?
Or should I forgive myself for being moved out, separated from my sister and moved in with a woman I had only met once in my life; which was my real mother.. All because I told on my father..
Or should I forgive myself because “because of you we had to get a divorce otherwise they would have taken your sister and put her in foster care”?
Or should I forgive myself because after telling my real mother how it came about me being moved in and I found out she was having an affair with my father?
Or because he raped me when I was 19 and the more I fought him off the more he enjoyed the chase and I reverted back to the 11yr old version of myself?
Or because when I went to see my father for the first time in 18 yrs 6mths before he died because I wanted closure and he asked me if I forgave him and like a fool I said yes; then he had the audacity to say he forgave me too..
When asked why he forgave me too; just what the had did I have to be forgiven for he said, “Because you went outside the family and told and because you put me in prison.”
So just what the hell is there to forgive myself for? I was the child! I was the victim! There is not ONE THING I need to forgive myself for!
I am trying really hard not to go into full on bitch mode with your remark.. But have you heard of the terms PTSD and “triggered”? To say I’m triggered is a damn understatement! Just because a person experiences PTSD with conversations like this #MeToo phenomenon does not mean they haven’t “moved on”
Don’t ever tell a survivor that they should forgive themselves because that is a form of #VictimBlaming so yea you just did what you said I was in the wrong for.
Barbara Costian says
Debra Carter No! I wasn’t insinuating that you had any culpability in the situation. My whole argument was that the victims cannot be held responsible for what the perpetrator does, that includes you! I don’t know if you are able to get therapy, but often when someone is victimized, they somehow try to blame themselves, like “why did I wear that dress? Why didn’t I get someone to walk me to my car”….. etc. That was what I was referring to when I talked about forgiving yourself. There is so much shame and guilt a victim goes through and I don’t think they are sometimes strong enough to help others. They are doing their best to keep themselves together. That is why I cannot hold these women responsible for Harvey W’s actions. He alone has to answer for that. Maybe this will make it easier for more women to come forward, I hope so.
Kate says
It’s easy to blame the victim. Why not blame the aggressors who hardly ever come out. Your post was moving…I’m sorry for what happened to you. It fucking sucks. It doesn’t mean that anyone else’s pain is less real. Sending love.
Anne Jespersen says
Nice victim blaming there.
Liz Pryor says
The first rule in a dysfunctional family is do not tell. You spoke up. Kudos to you and what strength. As to those before you where they victims too obeying the same rules of dysfunction? Whether sexual, verbal or physical abuse it is all wrong. A victim who doesn’t speak up is still a victim and still carries with them the guilt and regret of not speaking up. It’s burden they bare on top of being a victim. So here’s to you for your strength. May your voice carry over to help another victim speak up. Loud. I am hopeful this movement will help victims find their voice. If you need closure I would suggest a psychic. Feeling the need for closure has allowed him the power even in his death. Do not give it to him. I am so proud that you have shared your story. Hopefully it will inspire someone to aspire to be like you and stand tall and not going to take it anymore.
Debra Carter says
Liz Pryor I wasn’t even thought of when that happened with them..
Tina K. VaLant says
You ended a horrible cycle, saving others from this tragedy. You claimed your dignity, and YOUR power. Priceless.???
Stan Stancyk says
Your comment has made me cry. As much as this #metoo has been posted, does it really make any of us feel any better?
Your comment has.
And I thank you.
Debra Carter says
Stan Stancyk I’m sorry my story made you cry; yet made you feel better at the same time.. and you’re welcome…
Lori McArthur says
I wish you healing. You are awesome to have stood up to the man who should have been a father. Kudos. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your pain and loss of childhood.
Linda Palmer says
Maybe his earlier victims tried but no one believed them. Or they knew that victim blaming and shaming was the norm back them. Glad you were brave enough to put a stop to it, but you paid a high price, and so did his earlier victims for never getting justice. God bless you all and grant you peace.
Debra Carter says
Linda Palmer they told; it was just kept in the family closet.
Rhonda Jones says
I agree with you wholeheartedly. Many victims and the deeply wounded are too hardened and cynical to believe that a catchy METOO post on fucking face book means anything.
Rhonda Jones says
I wish u the great life u deserve. Let karma deal your tormentor his torment. Allow your good karma 2 deal you the good karma and good life u deserve.
Rhonda Jones says
Debra Carter he said he “forgave you too” so that he could fuck w your mind one more time. If there was a way to spit on his grave w him knowing it i wish u could do it
Debra Carter says
Rhonda Jones my sister and I sent him off into the Chesapeake Bay..
Anita Emrich Droog says
So sorry this happened to you, maybe a better thought would be to speak up now! Thanks for sharing such a personal situation.
Carolyn Street says
I’m so sorry this happened to you and grateful to you for speaking up. I know another insest survivor who carries deep guilt and shame for not helping her little sister avoid the same fate, and even acting like little sister was a liar. (Little sister drank herself to death.)
I sure wish more rape survivors were more like you in protecting others, but some seem not to be able to do that at the time. I have two friends who were raped by total strangers and did not go to the police. I sure wish they had, to protect future victims, but it seems they had no energy left at that time to deal with it, or to help others. Plus worried the police wouldn’t be easy to deal with. But you did all that and faced down your family too. You protected future victims at great cost to yourself. You deserve a medal, at least.
Chris MacAdams says
Barbara Costian “misplaced anger”? IF the women who were molested before her spoke out or took action to stop him, it might’ve saved her a lifetime of grief that, unless you were molested as a kid, you can’t really comprehend. She has every right to feel angry that others failed to protect her. Betrayal at the deepest level all around with the most anger at her father.
Karla Ferrulli says
How could they protect her when they couldn’t even protect themselves? Later in the comments she says they told but it was “kept in the family”. Also, one of the victims was his sister, so that is an entire generation before, when anything was even LESS likely to be done about it. The emotions surrounding a situation like this are complex, but anger at previous victims, while understandable and natural in terms of later victims, IS misdirected.
Marce McCollum-Martin says
I think it’s a much needed, but jolting, conversation.
NextTribe says
Agree. Thanks for adding your thoughts.
Mary Carpenter says
I’m participating in a podcast tomorrow with 5 other women on this subject. The subject matter is serious and deserves blunt conversation with proposed solutions. I hope my voice contributed towards healing.
NextTribe says
Mary Carpenter Please post a link to your podcast in these comments. Thanks so much.
Mary Carpenter says
NextTribe PRX.org. Public Radio Exchange.
Mary Carpenter says
NextTribe Not sure if it’s airing live tomorrow or if it will be broadcast later. It’s 4:00 pm EST.
Brenda Decker says
very odd that a bandwagon is needed to have a conversation about such an important topic..why have no families encouraged open communication and coming forward in order to not subject all of the other victims that have come after..perverts such as harvey w. feed off of this mentality, and it is our job as mothers and fathers to make sure it does not take twenty years and a bandwagon to protect our children interests..we are all responsible for this crazy hashtag situation.
NextTribe says
Well said! Thakns.
Linda Palmer says
I think openness is more accepted now than in the 1970’s and 80’s (and earlier) when I was harassed and sexually abused. I couldn’t dare share anything with my parents- it was all about victim-shaming back then. This “me too” campaign opened my eyes to the fact that many of my girlfriends from high school and college had experienced these things and were scared to even admit it to each other.
Mary Borgen Poffenbarger says
Because, this is a wide ranging topic that spans from someone saying something crude to a person going home and trying to wash the bosses saliva (or worse) off (tip – there’s not enough water and soap in the world).
Because, when it happened, the person who went home and tried to scrub it away probably told someone or more. They told a family member who told them not to make waves, and that the family couldn’t afford a lawyer and that you might have trouble getting another job after. They might have told their mentor at work, who was suddenly not their mentor anymore, who held their mouth a certain way and said something like “I’ve never known him to act like that” and reinforced the concept that it was *their* fault, and they must have incited the behavior by the sainted boss.
Because the people to whom this has happened are hanging on by a thread, they certainly don’t need to be chastised by onlookers… they feel that the has been ALL THEIR OWN FAULT
Anita Emrich Droog says
Well said Mary ! Sisters please speak up.
Paula Madrid says
Linda Palmer accurate. And an attack not consummated is doubted and not provable. Cops would do nothing, but would more greatly suspect the woman led the man that far just by showing up. “Pretty”— she asked for it, “Plain”? She was lucky to be shown the gesture. Very low probability action would be taken but victim shaming was most likely. ME TOO is about time and seems necessary, prior cries went unheeded.
Paula Madrid says
Mary Borgen Poffenbarger so on target. So very sorry.
Brenda Decker says
Mary Borgen Poffenbarger ..which is my point..families need to teach their children early on that they deserve to be heard..therefore a bandwagon mentality would NOT be necessary!
Dana Devito Daniels says
Linda Palmer , I never said anything because I was a child and was very confused by what was happening to me by an adult I was suppose to be able to trust. But, you’re right, there was no open communication in my family because there was so much dysfunction that no one wanted to talk about.
Jeannie Ralston says
Thanks Sheila Weller