When you look into your newborn’s eyes, the instinct to love, nurture, and protect this life in your arms is the most natural and powerful thing in the world. I never had any doubt that I would be the type of mom who would always provide a home for my children. But how wrong I was.
There came a time in my life when I had to tell my child that she could no longer live under my roof—a moment that was antithetical to all that it means to be a mother.
The shift started when my oldest daughter, Mary*, started showing signs of depression and anxiety in her junior year in high school. I’ve always been open with her about my mental health issues and struggles—and how I was actively fighting them, preparing her for a time when she might be diagnosed as well.
When that time came, she at first resisted going on medication and participating in therapy. Eventually, we found an antidepressant that stabilized her enough to get by—to finish high school and move on to college. But there was little joy in her life. Her goal was to get through school so she could get a job and make enough money to be on her own.
Read More: How Do You Let Go of Your Dreams for Your Grown Child?
When the Struggle Got Real
At 19, she found a way to get high. It wasn’t through drugs or alcohol. She began dating for the first time, and the endorphins that come with new relationships, sex, validation, and feelings of love had a huge impact.
Just like a drug, her relationship enabled her to make destructive choices. Her grades dropped. She skipped classes and work. She totaled her car and abused mine. She lied and left for days at a time to be with her boyfriend. She shirked her responsibilities, like dropping off her younger sister at school.
We struggled for months about this relationship. I saw her spiraling toward a huge fall, similar to when I was her age. In my case, I married her father when pregnant with her and then became a single parent by the time I was 21. I was so afraid of what her bottoming out would be. Watching her struggle was hurting me, triggering my depression and anxiety.
The Day That Changed Everything
Things came to a head while I was on a business trip. She had called out to work and taken my car without permission to stay with her boyfriend. Her sister needed help at school while she was 60 miles away, and Mary blew her off. Then she lied to me about the whole situation. When I got home, I was livid. After hours of fighting and yelling, I told her she had to leave.
When I faced what I had done, I felt like an utter failure, both as a parent and a daughter. My family would never turn its back on anyone, let alone one of their own. I was ashamed of my anger and weakness. But what was worse was that I felt relieved as well. I didn’t realize how much this worry over Mary had been affecting me. Once she was gone, I felt calmer. I didn’t know how to reconcile this relief, because what kind of mother feels better when their child is away from them? It turns out, I’m not alone.
When a Parent Has to Say “No More”
Susan Toth faced a similar struggle with her daughter Shannon. When the girl turned 17, things got dark—fights, stolen property, and an abundance of lies. A few years down the road, Shannon asked if a friend could move in; Toth and her husband agreed, still hoping to salvage a relationship with their child. But when the houseguest became disruptive and even damaged some property, they asked her to leave. Shannon, then 22, refused to leave her friend’s side. Pushed to their limit, Susan and her husband told Shannon she would have to go as well.
Toth said she felt both relief and worry once Shannon had gone.
“I knew Shannon wasn’t ready to be on her own yet, mostly due to her lack of financial responsibility,” she says. “I was worried about where she would stay and with whom. But our home became much more peaceful. There had been constant fighting in our house, and not just between me and Shannon. Her antics would cause fights between me, my husband, and our other two children.”
Still, Susan says the relationship with her daughter is still a work in progress. Shannon still asks for money often, which causes fights between Toth and her husband. “I find it difficult to understand how she has turned out so completely opposite of what I wanted for her,” says Susan.
Amanda Watson, too, struggles with having to let go of her oldest son, Patrick, 23. Having started to do drugs in his mid-teens, Patrick became addicted, which led to years of anguish: felony charges, jail time, rehab, and psychiatric care. Amanda’s own emotional struggles worsened with the worry over her son, who would come home high, disappear for days or weeks, threaten suicide, break into their home, steal from them, and become violent. He even tried to kill his stepfather.
Three years ago, Amanda and her husband—at their wits’ end—changed the locks, put up security cameras, and barred him from the home.
“I was mentally drained by the time this happened,” Amanda says. “I was sad, but a large part of me was relieved. I missed him, yet I felt better when he wasn’t around.” Her son has now been clean for several months and is being allowed to live at home.
Sometimes Separation Is the Smartest Strategy
Toth and Watson’s stories help me realize that I did what was best, not only for Mary, but for myself. It is a hard lesson to learn, but one that is essential for mothers of self-destructive adult children, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, host of the 2 Moms on the Couch podcast and a psychotherapist who specializes in family therapy and life transitions.
“Personal sacrifice seems to be an inherent part of parenting; putting your own needs aside for those of your children,” she says. “However, when parents’ emotional or physical health is jeopardized, they are no longer able to be helpful to their children. This is a painful, yet essential delineation of boundaries that conveys several important messages to the adult child, such as ‘I love you, but I am separate from you. As a separate person, I must maintain my self-respect and dignity. I will not allow another to abuse me. This is not okay.'”
As Dorfman says, this goes against our instincts to sacrifice our own well-being for our children. But there are ways to reframe our approaches to these situations that can make doing so easier. Amy Schafer, a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of Compass Counseling & Wellness, says that telling an adult child to leave the family home can actually enable them to move forward with their life in a healthier way.
“We can look at asking them to leave as something that is necessary for them,” Shafer says. “It trains them to value boundaries, expectations and self-care, which is difficult to teach, but without which can lead to generational enabling issues.”
Two big cautions:
Both Shafer and Dorfman say not let your own anger, hurt, or grief take control of you in the moment. This can lead to damaging words, such as name calling or saying things you don’t mean, which may cause lasting damage to a relationship. It’s best to communicate with the child that you need to step back and address the issue again once you’re calmer and thinking more rationally.
Don’t threaten to withdraw support and then not act. “Infinite ‘final chances’ only lessen the parents’ ability to follow through,” Shafer says. “This further lessens the child’s ability to see the cause and effect of their actions.” It took me a while to actually act on my threats. There was one incident that led to a warning, then a second one, after which I told her she wouldn’t be allowed to live with me anymore if she continued to see her boyfriend and not follow the house rules. When the third incident happened, I followed through.
Read More: A Mother’s Pain When Her Grown Daughters Don’t Get Along
A New Relationship Takes Root
A year has passed since that day. We didn’t speak for several months, but I kept tabs on Mary through her friends. She got emergency housing at the university she was attending, and at the end of the semester, we began talking again.
I recently helped her move into her first rental. She is standing on her own two feet, working full time, and taking on adult responsibilities. Though she isn’t sure where she will be in a few years, for now, she is happy and stable. Much more so than she was living with me.
We needed distance. She needed independence. And though the way we parted was regrettable, our relationship is better for having made these hard decisions. We talk often. She is starting to feel comfortable enough to start addressing some of her issues, which is a huge step forward.
I’ve gone through a lot of changes, too. I’ve re-focused on being a full-time mother to one child and on the sidelines for the other. The decreased stress and realization that in a few more years I will have an empty nest has opened up new ways of thinking. New possibilities for my future. Simply put, I’m happier.
I know now that no matter where I go or what I do, I’ve given my kids the tools they need to make their way in the world. I’ll always be there to support them. But I have to do the same for myself, too. And that, I’ve learned, is okay.
*This name has been changed to protect privacy
A version of this story was published in April 2019.
evelyn says
hello im a mom of 5 and i try to be as lovable with all my children and be there for them and i have a 20 year old who is stinking up my house he tells me he dosent need deorant cuz he is home but i tell him he does need it no matter if he is home or not we all tell him but he dosent listen he also dosent work we tried so many times helping him get a job but he refuse it i tried to be patient but i cant no more i dont want to argue and cause a bigger problem please help
Carrie says
I have a 26 yr old son that lives with me and my husband. He does nothing to help around the house while we both work. He’s an alcoholic and while my husband and I don’t drink and don’t enable that…his friends do. He’s up all night and sleeps all day. He does visit with us some and I’ve had plenty of heart to hearts with him, but nothing gets through to him. He got a DWI in January of 2019 and was put on probation, but has violated it and he tried to turn himself in, but they won’t take him because of COVID. He can’t work because we live out in the country and he can’t drive because of the DWI & because they have a breathalyzer on his car. We won’t allow him to use one of our vehicles because we don’t trust him. Is it wrong that I want them to start taking violators, so he can be out of my house? To be honest, it would be good for him too because he could get this over with and start fresh. I feel like such a horrible mom to want jail for my son just to get him out of my house! I know for mine and my husband’s sake I just need to kick him out no matter what, but how do I do that?
Elizabeth says
Hi Carrie
I’m sorry tour going through this with yours son. When I came to the point of no longer being able to accept the behavior (I mean no matter how much I tried, & he’d say he would charge it never happened)
So when I felt i had no other choice but to tell him to leave my house, I actually did it when we weren’t in the middle of an argument or fight. I also gave him a few diff options of family who might be able rio help him. And just tell him that, although you line him with all of your heart you really don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon. Therefore it’s probably best that he give you both some space and leave. But make sure to tell him that it’s still his home & when and if he gets the help he needs he will always welcomed.
I just goes you do understand that after this conv. he resent you, & possibly not speak to you for sometime. Good luck let me know how it goes.
Mazza says
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for not making me feel so alone, I have just had to throw my 19 year old son out after he broke my nose. His father was very abusive and although I left his father when he was one years old he continued a campaign of abuse and the courts gave him access even though he was violent every time my son came back from his fathers he would stomp around the house and was angry with me. He smokes skunk and has become very aggressive, he is manipulative and goes to his fathers side of the family who condone his behaviour. I will not have him back but I do miss him and worry about him as he does have good points. I called the police when he broke my nose and then told then police it was an accident (i know I shouldn’t have done this but I felt guilt) Its so good to know I am not alone as he has been emotionally and physically abusing me for years.
Mazza
Elizabeth says
Mazza it’s heartbreaking to see how many of us (moms) expressing everything that’s happened to us. I know when I first read this story I (a little relifed) knowing I wasn’t a horrible mom, this is something most people don’t talk about but is really happening. Of course we love our kids to death & would do probably do just about anything for them.
It also doesn’t make it ok that because they’re our kids that they behave in that manner.
I’m really happy/saddened that it came to you kicking him out. But in no way, shape, or form should you allow for any type of negative behavior from your teen. I feel horrible it took you this long to ask him to leave. But I also understand that you love your son and thought he might even change at some point. But sometimes it’s necessary that we take those measurements. You asking him to leave was probably for your own sanity & all together health. Because I certainly went thorough so much watching my older brother (when I was very young) be abusive towards my parents. And I promised myself I’d never allow that to happen with my kids.
I know you these young adults are very smart, they know between right & wrong. But they still cross the line, now maybe they do it to see how far they can get away with their behavior. But you did the right thing.
I know it’s gonna be hard, and your son may resent you at some point, because mine still does but you’ve done nothing wrong (you didn’t mention what was it that lead to him breaking your nose??)
I’m my situation somewhere down the line in our mother/son relationship there was a shift in his attitude & or behavior and it just became apparent he no longer cared about having a parent because he only saw it as someone telling him what to do. I always felt I walked on eggshells. I’ll forward you my email if you’d like to connect through a zoom call let me know. Thought it’d be a good idea get to connect with other parents get to know 1 another & maybe offer support 2 each other when needed. Email me if your interested. Thanks wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
Subject line: Parent~Son/Daughter Relationship
Elizabeth says
Oh my goodness!!!
I’m completely speechless, I swear I thought I was the only parent going through this.
After reading all these stories & what each parent has been going through is so sad & difficult.
In July of 2020 I kicked my son out of our home he’s 21 but he was doing so many things that were wrong. Since leaving my home he’s been coming & going picking up things every time I’ve had to deal with him whether it be in person or on the phone it’s always been a negative experience he always has something to tell me, he’s very angry with me, he says that I am the one who needs help and really hope I get help, hopes I learn from what I’ve done to him, says I’m loosing him forever, says I’ll never see him again. I mean very hurtful things that I don’t know as a parent why or how we ever got to this place like I have no idea what happened when it happened why it happened because that’s not the son I’ve raised throughout the years.
As i was growing up I saw my oldest brother verbally & emotionally abuse my parents even until today. Which made me feel this behavior may something that runs in my.
Kids today feel they’re entitled, that as parents that is our responsibility to take care of them until they can take care of themselves, if we don’t respect them (of course we need to respect our children) or talk to them in a nice way, without telling them what to do something, they will not care I feel the tables are turned around & I have to behave with them because if I don’t behave I will be putting my place or told something. I have two grown sons ages 19 & 22 as a single parent it’s extremely extremely difficult. I’ve been receiving therapy, but it’s always nice to have all these parents we can share stories with and possibly help another parent along the way.
We should definitely put together some kind of Zoom Meeting where parents could get together weekly and just talk. I know I’d benefit from listening to others.
Someone once told me to always remember to say to ourselves when going through a difficult situation that we’re doing the best we can.
Good luck everyone.
Leen says
Wow! Eliszaberh our stories are so similar. I’d love to connect with you, and I agree, a Zoom would be amazing! I, too, thought I the only single mom going through this.
Peace & Love to all parents doing the very best they can, yet battling the difficult decision in releasing their child.
Elizabeth says
Hi Leen
If you’d like to reach out, any parent that feels like connecting possibly even doing some type of zoom call to share experiences, maybe give ideas on what a parent can do told the healing process.
Please email me at wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
Elizabeth says
Hi Leen have you tried reaching out through my email since April? I completely forgot I’d given you that email address and my emailed get deleted after 15 days (changed my settings) in my inbox. Hopefully we can chat so that we can meet through zoom. I’d be amazing we get a few parents together and we just talk and or share what we’re going through. I know that changes sometimes to a better situation (which is the ultimate goal) but just so that weekly parents can get online and just share. My email is wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
For any parents trust would like to be a part of it let me know just a quick message would be great.
Cara says
I have recently sold my home to move in with my boyfriend with my 10 year old to get away from my 17 year old son who is totally out of control..I need some guideline and help.. I’m having a very hard time living day to day.
Jeannie Ralston says
So sorry to hear this. I’m sure others on this thread may be able to give you some guidance. Good luck.
Brian says
Its sad we as parents are all having the same issues, but noone has said we re the troubled son or daughter goes when actually kicked out. The street?,a shelter? Plus, noone wants to couch someone during this pandemic, maybe even jail? Then they will have a police record. Which means no job to make money to be independent. Do I kick my 19 year old Xanax addicted, ptsd, depressed and suicidal son who has been in detox and rehab several times and still refuses help out to the street in 20 degree weather?
Carrie says
My son is 26 and I wonder the same thing, but maybe we have to just do it and hope and pray that the struggle they endure will make them grow up and be responsible? I know my son isn’t doing either while he’s living under my roof. I just need to find the strength to push him out of the nest I guess.
shiraz says
“noone wants to couch someone during this pandemic, maybe even jail? Then they will have a police record. Which means no job to make money to be independent. Do I kick my 19 year old Xanax addicted, ptsd, depressed and suicidal son who has been in detox and rehab several times and still refuses help out to the street in 20 degree weather?” You can do that if you want a dead son. He’ll probably kill himself. Enjoy the blood on your hands.
Eric says
Wait a second. The older child was responsible for her younger sister making it to school? No, that’s a parents responsibility. Setting up reliable assistance or whatever it is all on the parent. Choose wisely. Mary wasn’t working out so the parent is responsible to change to a plan that works. Ultimately. End of story.
Demanding someone be responsible for your child is by definition an irresponsible act. Using coercion will certainly backfire. A caregiver must agree to be responsible. They will probably expect compensation.
When the school help incident happened & the oldest daughter was 60 miles away how far away was the mother on her business trip? Numbers. Emotionless. Comparable. Revealing.
Who’s kid is it again?
Notice the complaints levied against children are non descript. Often the privilege of parental presence is a form of reward for cooperation.
Another tale sign of an abusive parent. Airing grievances about personal relationships in a public setting to gather support for themselves.
Mary’s problems for instance are no one else’s business. Why spread gossip about your own child? Because you’re a twit.
Ana says
Wow, thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking… now I don’t have to be as annoyed
Jez says
No. She’s not. She’s tired and fed up. She’s also didn’t say anything that would allow anyone to identify her, so it’s not really gossip.
That it’s not your reality is fine. Lacking compassion is fine. Even half reading what she wrote is fine I guess. Calling her names and arrogantly imposing your values and judgment on her is not fine. Btw, people who don’t have “people” to do those kinds of things for them often ask an older sibling to pick a younger one up. It’s not really asking someone to raise their child to ask a 19 yo to pick up a sibling from school. I have a word for someone who goes after other people like that, but it’s not twit, it starts with an a.
Leen says
Peace & Love to you, Jez!
You read my mind. I find that people that lack compassion and go out of their way to attack another human being behind a screen is hurting. Clearly, they’re on this platform for a reason. I send them so much love & hope as they need it the most.
There’s no book on raising the perfect child. It doesn’t exist.
Thank you, again, for expressing my thoughts through your share.
Love & Light
Sandra says
I think a family is responsible toward the whole unit. A working parent (keeping a roof over the kids’ head) should be able to rely on a 17 y o to pick up younger sister. Way to shame.
Cadence says
Cady says:
I am a mother who 61 years old, whose husband and father of her 3 children died almost 5 years ago; after which, my son became addicted to opiates and valium. It was when he added alcohol to the mix at age 24, that he began to physically and verbally abuse me, stealing my car, my credit cards and money. I am a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety. My oldest son at age 32 and my youngest; a daughter, age 22, as well as both my friends told me to kick my abusive son out, for which I always replied that I cannot kick out a sick child who has a $200 – $500 monthly income, no friends, and no where to live out into the streets to become homeless, feeling unloved, abandoned, alone, and scared. I felt and my son also said that to do so would eventually lead to his death. I love my son no matter what and do not want to be the catalyst for his death. However, my eldest son and my daughter are angry with me for not kicking their brother into the street. Therefore, they are abandoning me at the worst point in my life after losing my job due to COVID, without any transportation, no savings and without friends who also abandoned me for not kicking my son out. My daughter has not lived with me for 2 years; whereas my eldest son has stayed in the house he was born in with me and has paid 1/2 the mortgage on my home. My daughter has come home to live temporarily and I found out it was to talk my eldest son into moving out of state with her and leaving me without means to buy groceries, money to pay the mortgage, alone with my abusive son and they are being very harsh with me saying they are very angry with me. They blame me for allowing my son to abuse me. Each time I called police, the officers also blamed me for my son’s abuse saying “kick him out”. But how do I kick a depressed and addicted sick child out into the streets to possibly die? Now it looks like we will both be homeless, feeling unloved, lost, desperate, and scared pushing a shopping cart with a few belongings in it as my other two kids pass by me daily on their way to work..Seems to me that I just can’t win.
Bobby says
OMG are you for real? Your comment and situation is pathetic, and I too, was once in that position. You need to call the Dr. Laura program so she can talk some sense into you—seriously. You should also consider getting the book “ The Family Freeloader: A Biblical Answer for Sob Stories, Con Games, and Never Having to Get Off the Couch”. By Sister Renee Pittelli. I think you are a total enabler. My grandmother enabled my drug addict mother until she died of cancer. My mom was 56 and still living at home taking drugs, drinking booze, and compulsively gambling any bit of money she can scrounge up. I never took her in, never accepted her nonsense, and totally cut her out of my life. She still occasionally calls trying to offer excuses and never wants to take ownership of her problems. Typically she’ll call when she wants money, but I just totally ignore her. She seems to have survived. Never put up with another person’s crap, not even your adult children. We also went through this with my adult step daughter. She did drugs and got knocked up being stupid. We gave her a second chance, but when she disrespected our home, out the door she went. Kicking her out was a consequence of her doing, not ours. You need to learn that.
Leen says
A woman just poured her heart about her personal tragedies and you bash her? What kind of a human are you? Only cowards do what you do, hide behind a screen harassing hurting mothers. ‘Pathetic, Enabling?’ How dare you say that to her.
Clearly, you’re on this site for reason. Check yourself! Karma is real and what you put out comes back to you a million times.
Believe it.
Whatever human hurt you, I hope you heal. Only hurt people go out their way to hurt others.
Pray you can handle the Universes karma when it catches you. In the interim, you should read books on healing, compassion, karma, and self love.
Deuces
Orb says
She was correct mot unkind. She offered her a reality that she had experienced. I also see enabling with her situation. I do understand also that there seems to be a dependency for her allowing such abuse, which would make her more willing to continue in an abusive relationship with her adult child. Having to survive by enabling your children to abuse you would be a clear indication that this parent not having the skills to have offered her children for their healthy choices in life. The parents roll would is insure the foundation needed for their children to grow from. Here we read that this parent had not accomplished this and is now in the child position with having to be abused for the necessities in life. Enabler yes! But also goes both directions, mother enables the son and the abuses and enamels his mother!
Linda Fitzgerald says
Our adult daughter is now 19. Her rebellion began two years ago, mostly with running away, getting high and being so disrespectful. Right before her graduation, we had her arrested for domestic abuse, because she started hitting us. She left, but she couched surfed for several months, then she ended up shacking up with her abusive boyfriend. This past April, he beat her, and she moved back in with us, and brought her puppy.
She is starting to get her act together, she’s working two part time jobs, and taking three classes at the community college. Problem is, she is still soo disrespectful, her mouth. She keeps pot in the car we let her drive, she doesn’t practice any self care, she doesn’t want to help around the house. Recently, someone chased her to our house wanting to fight her and I had to break them up. This was at 8am in the morning! Her thinking is that won’t move out because we won’t co-sign for a place for her, but we are holding firm, because we are definitely not rewarding her reckless behavior. She is so manipulative and she thinks if she makes us so miserable we will break down.
How does one find a place for your adult child to move to? What resources are available for those getting out on their own? She is really putting a toll on our marriage and mental health.
Bobby says
You don’t. It’s not your job to find her a place if she is an adult. I would contact a lawyer, draw up eviction papers, and her her you’re giving her the pink slip in life. Let her figure it out. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR THEM, IT’S THEIRS! I recommend you listen to the Dr. Laura program and her explanation on parenting and why she cannot stand “snowflakes.” I too put up with a disrespectful brat, but them days are long over….and my spouse and I are way happier because of it.
Mandy says
Such a refreshing article, I really enjoyed it. When you as a parent are being abused and used, its time to say goodbye and let them stand on their own two feet. Maybe they’ll learn. I find it really awful to read what parents put up with from their young adult “children”. It seems to me they (the parents) are often just complete doormats. If you can really communicate and give your teenagers some freedoms with some minimum expectations they maintain, great. But if they are abusive and regularly in trouble, I really believe nothing good can come from them living at home. Sad but true.
LEWIS says
I just put my daughter out , I can’t take her attitude anymore, she blames me for everything!!
Jeannie Ralston says
I’m so sorry to hear this. Do you have support to help you get through this. Best to you.
Linda Fitzgerald says
How did you do that? My daughter says, I can’t make her leave, that I would have to call the police to have her removed!! It’s terrible, but I wish that she would go willingly!! She is so much right now!!! I really hate we have this strained relationship. It just breaks my heart!
Elizabeth says
I know that couldn’t have been easy for you to do. I too am going through a similar situation. I already told one of my sons to leave. But the other one that lives with me always seems to know what to say to me to make me feel bad. We barely speak to each other because it always leads to an argument where it’s always my fault.
I wish I could say it gets better but sometimes it has to get even worse after they leave in order for things to begin getting better. Good luck to you and your family.
Natasha says
I have a daughter, 20 years old. She is in her third year of college. Even thought she is a good student, I am ready to kick her out from the house but I want to make sure if I am doing the right thing or maybe not. She was a great caring girl until she turned 17. She started having emotional issues and making her self as a victim and blaming me for everything that is happening in her life. She started manipulating me, naming me the bad words, etc. The room became a total disaster, piles of clean and dirty cloth everywhere, dirty socks on the desk, dirty stinky dishes are laying on the floor. The smell in the room is totally disgusting. Even if I come into the room, I will hear immediate response “get out from my room”. She doesn’t vaccum, doesn’t wash a single plate, very rude and totally disrespectful. She is using my car. Well, not anymore after I needed a car at the same time as she . She was yelling that she doesn’t care if I need to go anywhere and she will take a car no matter what. On mother’s day she was making cards for others. On her birthday, I bought her flowers and by giving her the flowers she kicked me out from the room. Please please help me. My eyes can’t stop from crying. Please.
Jeannie Ralston says
I am so sorry Natasha. Is her father involved in her life? Do you have access to a family therapist? I think you need outside help. It’s so much for one person to bear. Please let us know if you’re able to make any progress. Wishing you all the best.
Sandra says
Two days ago, I told our son to leave. I agree with the article that it is a heart-wrenching experience. He is our only, our baby, and we have raised him to the best of our ability – teaching him about respect and honor, and important religious values as Catholics. We have always expressed how much he means to us and that we love him, although my husband is from a different culture that our son knows does not express these feelings so directly. We have rewarded him for good behavior and have tried not to judge. Yes, I have nagged. Mainly about school. He’s in the middle of a repeat semester at a community college, because he didn’t put in the required effort last semester–messing around, procrastinating…. He lost his savings from that. He just barely graduated from hs, not because of a lack of smarts, but lack of effort and motivation, and due to distractions. Doing the same thing again this semester and he has 2 wks left, with lenience for the online learning, but still has to study and turn in assignments.
We have given consequences that we could when our son did inappropriate things such as lying, not coming home on time, not doing homework, getting in other sorts of trouble. He’s had some diversion and counseling. However, it’s been two years since he’s been off the rails, skirting around with friends vaping, coming home 5-10 hours later than agreed, not using his car appropriately, lying about how he spends his money and where he was. [I guess you can see that many of us who comment are also struggling at home and need advice!] He can be very respectful, but this situation has worsened, and nothing to do with the pandemic. In the last few years, we can count a handful of times that he got up on his own–we have had to wake him for school and his p/t job. The phone….nothing we can do about that. He’s too old and the password. I tried taking it away–bad idea. My husband and child have never been violent. I’m just so tired of the lying, deception, and his terrible decisions. Okay. He may have experienced some trauma when younger when his father had an alcohol problem (at least he remembers the time, and has said he’d never go in that direction because of what he saw). My husband quit about 6 years ago and is a responsible, caring person. He would give our son a bit of pocket money too each time he did good deeds. He’s completely fed up now.
Our son’s a chronic asthmatic and has been vaping and we’ve also found him smoking mj. Something had to give. When I gave him my card the other day to shop for food nearby bc I was ill, and come right back, instead he went and used my card w/friends to buy vape material and came home 5 hours later. I just got fed up. My husband supports me (he was at work when this happened). It’s your child, and it’s easy to question yourself and feel so alone wondering if it was the right decision. I think he went to stay with friends but no idea. He’s not contacted us in almost 3 days. I hope he is okay. I worry. I miss him. I don’t miss the rest. He’s never done anything on his own. Can’t cook, doesn’t know how to fix things. At 18, not the most mature. Worldly and well read (we have traveled everywhere and lived overseas). I didn’t know what else to do. I’m speechless that he would choose to do bad instead of good. He has a bright future. The pandemic is terrible, but it was like the will of God, giving him a chance to stay at home and focus, get his work done, and get good grades. He says he cares, but in his heart he doesn’t–I guess. I hope he’s not suffering somewhere. He only took a small backpack. He has friends. I don’t know their numbers. They are in the Latino community. I think some of them are a bad influence (nothing to do with that though); I wonder what their parents are thinking if he is there, having a stranger in the house during this time. I know our son would not have gone to a shelter. There are services, but he would have never sought them out.
Thanks for any advice for someone who is an older parent who has given their child way too many chances to do the right thing…..
Allison says
Sandra, my soul knows your pain. We are about a month behind you.
My son will turn 18 in July and we are planning for him to move out.
The current economy, pandemic, social unrest is terrible and I pray for both our sons.
Exhausted says
I also relate. I’ve have felt so alone in this and continue to struggle with the decision to annex my soon to be 18 year old son. He is the youngest of our 3 sons and by far the most challenging.
My battles with his became of concern during his freshman year in high school. He had used our banking account prior but we were unaware of the financial abuse that he had actually been doing. We would find Amazon purchases that we had not placed. We we addressed this with our sons the younger one would always have a convincing way of explaining that it was with permission that he had placed the order. This became a routine until we realized it was nothing more then way out for him. Asking him to reveal his Amazon purchase history only angered him and got us nowhere. He hid his phone and locked himself in his room. We had 5 prime account charges at $100 dollars each within less the 45 days. He was closing accounts to show us he had not been ordering but opening new accounts in the back ground. This eventually rolled in to the use of Uber and door dash abuse of or finances. He began tapping into our banking funds gain and using our living means to support his and his friends exclusive task for fast foods. He was ordering 40+ dollars daily and having door dash deliver at his school. We caught this a month later and $700. lost. It didn’t stop there. Moving forward to 2020/2021 we see once again our funds have been compromised by our son. This time we see multi, near daily, money transactions where funds are subtracted from our account at addesnto random cash apps. This was in September and the damage was over $1500. We confront him and the excavates flew. By the way he was at the eve of have turned 17. We were completely at a loss with this situation. This time his damage was felt much deeper as it was our mortgage account he stole from. Never once have we seen remorse from him. Now, we’re in February 2021, and you guessed it… once again we have withdrawals to our finances. We wanted to believe that there would be no way he’d done this again knowing the damage he caused just months prior. Wrong we were. This damage cost us $2500.00.
This isn’t all the financial burdens we’ve endured. There was the vandalism he and friends did with egging homes and keying another’s vehicle. That also cost us $1700.00 plus a retaliation to our vehicle that is still needing repair in the upwards of $5000.00. It still sits with this damage.
There is also the continued steeling of our vehicles in the middle of the night, by having keys made or swapping ours with a look alike. up to getting caught an hour away from our home. Having been pulled over driving a 110 mph with out a license costed us this far $400.00 for the impound fees and additional damage to the same vehicle. Towing company’s neglect causes denting the right back of our car. Yet refused taking any blame when it was clearly towing damage. However had our son not taken it, all wouldn’t have happened!
We have court this month for the charges brought against his actions. We’re expecting fines up to $2500.00 to come our way.
Additionally, he is failing every subject and skipping school. We recently found out that he’s had a friend call the school and check him out almost weekly stating to be me. When asking him to explain he becomes aggressive and foul. His communicating is the text book description of gaslighting behavior. Topic starts with subject and down the bunny trails we go. Never bring the topic to be discussed back into focus.
The foul remarks and insults he has said to me are not reasonable and mot warranted by any means.
I may not have been mother of the year but I have provided and cared for everyone of my sons and only sought out positive reinforcement with only their best interest at heart. I’ve been open to communicate and very understanding. I have the sense to know that the youth muse is still developing and not capable of the decisions making of an developed adults mind. So I haven’t expected them to be perfect by any means. However, I have and will always expect them to be respectful, honest, and willing to communicate to the best of their ability. I will listen and offer understanding always but it may be that I wouldn’t always agree and that it need also to be understood that I to have position and it my not align with them. This then is understood that it’s ok to have differences and it will never change or effect my live for them. I accept and respect them as they should also me.
My older two sons have the best intentions and still involve me and appreciate me as their mother but as a person independent of them as do I with them.
Where it went sideways with our youngest, I can’t figure out!
He’ll be 18 in two weeks and I’ve come to this decision that he can no longer continue to live under my roof and that it’s in his best interest to look for a place now or he’ll be out with little means. Regardless, it’s my belief that having exhausted every possible reasoning attempt to get his attention addressing his behavior, and having failed, I’m left with out any other choice. This is by far more pain for me then it be to him and I know it will be the most difficult decision I’ll have had to make with any of my sons. It isn’t out of hate or anger that I’ve decided this. It’s out of care and concern only and should I not take this moment now to allow him to feel the actions of his choices, it may become to late and I’d loose him altogether. I don’t know the answers but I know I love this child and I’ve only offered my best. I’ve been there, never once placing any one of my children second where I was needed to be present!
Mel says
These stories sound so familiar. Like what I’m going through. But I’m afraid for my safety now. And feel as though I am only making things worse by telling him to leave. Only it’s not just him. His girlfriend lives here to. She is innocent in all this.
On a regular almost daily basis he picks fights and has to be right. We walk on eggshells constantly. He belittles me and calls me names and says a lot of negative stuff I. General. It then he will get high and he is the nicest person in the world. Apologizes and assumes all will be well. I have had enough. My mental heath is at risk and so is his girlfriends. I’ve been thinking abut for a long time and was scared. But that’s enough.
He’s 19 and stressed and depressed and threatens to kill himself at least 2-3 a week and blames God for hating him.
He does drugs but nothing hardcore that I’m aware of. Just pot mostly. But when he isn’t high he is so angry and violent and down right mean. Like he is deliberately wanting to fight. He is a tough kid and extremely strong physically. He has trouble with jobs. Quits when he feels disrespected usually a month or so in. But it’s not them disrespecting him it’s him not being responsible at work then feeling picked on by his peers. It’s hard to watch because then he is broke and I have to come to the rescue. My fault I know. But I’m afraid if I don’t than things will get worse. And when I can’t then do get worse. I’ve tried to get him help and he’s asked for it but when it comes time to go he bails.
And now that he is 19 mom can’t call for him anymore. He must because he is an adult.
This is new and very recent and now
I am afraid that if he gets violent again or tries to get in or break in I may have to get the police involved. And with that i may lose him forever.
Jeannie Ralston says
This is just an awful situation. I suggest calling a Domestic Violence hotline. You are certainly in a domestic violence situation, as is the girlfriend. Help yourself and her. So sorry to hear this. But truly, good luck and be safe.
S says
You sound like my father, constantly listing other people’s shortcomings in a never ending search for sympathy and self-validation. My father cheated on my mother with one of his employees and had a mental breakdown when he got caught. In his insanity he started doing really bizarre shit like making lists about us for his shrink and leaving them around the house. He claimed multiple suicide attempts when trying to get my mother back, but was still dating and living with the employee.
I tried living with them when I was 18-23 and the mistress routinely levied complaints against me about the pot, yet she supported him being addicted to alcohol and xanax. When I was 23 I joined the army to get away from them and saw what good leaders and bad leaders truly look like. I also put myself through college using my GI Bill and some loans, but still struggled to find my place in the private sector. My father will always treat me like an ungrateful failure while claiming to love me at the same time.
He put nothing into my development or growth, yet always expected results and/or only pops up when it is convenient to pose for a picture. The only example he set for me was how to watch a man repeatedly cave, all he ever cared about was holding onto his assets through the divorce and now he has 2 homes worth half a mil each and two sons who have experienced homelessness.
My father is the polar opposite of everything the military taught me about leadership and accountability. The older I got, the more I realized he is just a sheltered man with a big ego who sought to get rid of me because he was too selfish to admit his own shortcomings as a father. I hope you are not like him.
Cadence says
I used to call the police and the police would blame me for “allowing” my son to abuse me physically and verbally. The officer said I deserve abuse for not “kicking” my son out of the house. I got tired of being blamed for not going against my nature and sending a depressed sick child out on the street. 3 months ago my son called the police on me claiming I had stabbed him in the leg, which was no worse than the many nicks I have obtained while shaving my legs. I am 61 years old, 115 pounds; yet, the police took me to jail for felony assault carrying a 5 year prison sentence for assaulting a 6 ft, 26 year old 175 pound man. Four days later, when I returned home, my son told me he had self-inflicted the wound to get me thrown in prison. I called the police to report what my son said so I had something on file to help my court case. The police, again blamed me for his abuse and never filed the report. The court case was dismissed; but one week later, my son while intoxicated again, called police claiming I was attempting suicide and I was dragged into the ambulance after the police told me to stop blaming my son and allowing him to abuse me. The ambulance attendant finished by saying I was manipulative and deserved to be abused; all to an elder woman that they were taking to the hospital for allegedly attempting suicide. What happened is that I had simply locked myself in the bathroom, stuck my fingers in my ears and sang la, la, la so I couldn’t hear his humiliating name calling. I was released after waiting 5 hours under police guard in a padded room somewhere in ER. The doctor and his nurse remembered me bringing my son in multiple times for overdosing and I was quickly released to fend for myself in getting home. When I got home my son had taken all the coins out of my piggy banks. Needless to say, I will never call the police again; and if my son calls them, I know I’m not going to be home again for awhile. A wife is abused by her husband and the husband goes to jail. A father abuses his son and the father goes to jail. But a son abuses his mother and she is blamed and goes to jail. Go figure?