When you look into your newborn’s eyes, a very natural and powerful thing occurs: An intense instinct to love, nurture, and protect this tiny life in your arms. I knew for certain that I would be the type of mom who would do anything for her children, who would always provide a home and a refuge for them. But how wrong I was.
There came a time in my life when I had to tell my child that she could no longer live under my roof—a moment that was antithetical to all that it means to be a mother.
The shift started when my oldest daughter started showing signs of depression and anxiety in her junior year in high school.
The shift started when my oldest daughter, Mary*, started showing signs of depression and anxiety in her junior year in high school. I’ve always been open with her about my mental health issues and struggles—and how I was actively fighting them, preparing her for a time when she might be diagnosed as well.
When that time came, she at first resisted going on medication and participating in therapy. Eventually, we found an antidepressant that stabilized her enough to get by—to finish high school and move on to college. But there was little joy in her life. Her goal was to get through school so she could get a job and make enough money to be on her own.
Read More: How Do You Let Go of Your Dreams for Your Grown Child?
When the Struggle Got Real
At 19, she found a way to get high. It wasn’t through drugs or alcohol. She began dating for the first time, and the endorphins that come with new relationships, sex, validation, and feelings of love had a huge impact.
Just like a drug, her relationship enabled her to make destructive choices. Her grades dropped. She skipped classes and work. She totaled her car and abused mine. She lied and left for days at a time to be with her boyfriend. She shirked her responsibilities, like dropping off her younger sister at school.
We struggled for months about this relationship. I saw her spiraling toward a huge fall, similar to when I was her age. In my case, I married her father when pregnant with her and then became a single parent by the time I was 21. I was so afraid of what her bottoming out would be. Watching her struggle was hurting me, triggering my depression and anxiety.
The Day That Changed Everything
Things came to a head while I was on a business trip. She had called out to work and taken my car without permission to stay with her boyfriend. Her sister needed help at school while she was 60 miles away, and Mary blew her off. Then she lied to me about the whole situation. When I got home, I was livid. After hours of fighting and yelling, I told her she had to leave.
When I faced what I had done, I felt like an utter failure as a parent.
When I faced what I had done, I felt like an utter failure, both as a parent and a daughter. My family would never turn its back on anyone, let alone one of their own. I was ashamed of my anger and weakness. But what was worse was that I felt relieved as well. I didn’t realize how much this worry over Mary had been affecting me. Once she was gone, I felt calmer. I didn’t know how to reconcile this relief, because what kind of mother feels better when their child is away from them? It turns out, I’m not alone.
When a Parent Has to Say “No More”
Susan Toth faced a similar struggle with her daughter Shannon. When the girl turned 17, things got dark—fights, stolen property, and an abundance of lies. A few years down the road, Shannon asked if a friend could move in; Toth and her husband agreed, still hoping to salvage a relationship with their child. But when the houseguest became disruptive and even damaged some property, they asked her to leave. Shannon, then 22, refused to leave her friend’s side. Pushed to their limit, Susan and her husband told Shannon she would have to go as well.
Toth said she felt both relief and worry once Shannon had gone.
“I knew Shannon wasn’t ready to be on her own yet, mostly due to her lack of financial responsibility,” she says. “I was worried about where she would stay and with whom. But our home became much more peaceful. There had been constant fighting in our house, and not just between me and Shannon. Her antics would cause fights between me, my husband, and our other two children.”
I missed him, yet I felt better when he wasn’t around.
Still, Susan says the relationship with her daughter is still a work in progress. Shannon still asks for money often, which causes fights between Toth and her husband. “I find it difficult to understand how she has turned out so completely opposite of what I wanted for her,” says Susan.
Amanda Watson, too, struggles with having to let go of her oldest son, Patrick, 23. Having started to do drugs in his mid-teens, Patrick became addicted, which led to years of anguish: felony charges, jail time, rehab, and psychiatric care. Amanda’s own emotional struggles worsened with the worry over her son, who would come home high, disappear for days or weeks, threaten suicide, break into their home, steal from them, and become violent. He even tried to kill his stepfather.
Three years ago, Amanda and her husband—at their wits’ end—changed the locks, put up security cameras, and barred him from the home.
“I was mentally drained by the time this happened,” Amanda says. “I was sad, but a large part of me was relieved. I missed him, yet I felt better when he wasn’t around.” Her son has now been clean for several months and is being allowed to live at home.
Sometimes Separation Is the Smartest Strategy
Toth and Watson’s stories help me realize that I did what was best, not only for Mary, but for myself. It is a hard lesson to learn, but one that is essential for mothers of self-destructive adult children, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, host of the 2 Moms on the Couch podcast and a psychotherapist who specializes in family therapy and life transitions.
“Personal sacrifice seems to be an inherent part of parenting; putting your own needs aside for those of your children,” she says. “However, when parents’ emotional or physical health is jeopardized, they are no longer able to be helpful to their children. This is a painful, yet essential delineation of boundaries that conveys several important messages to the adult child, such as ‘I love you, but I am separate from you. As a separate person, I must maintain my self-respect and dignity. I will not allow another to abuse me. This is not okay.'”
When parents’ emotional or physical health is jeopardized, they are no longer able to be helpful to their children.
As Dorfman says, this goes against our instincts to sacrifice our own well-being for our children. But there are ways to reframe our approaches to these situations that can make doing so easier. Amy Schafer, a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of Compass Counseling & Wellness, says that telling an adult child to leave the family home can actually enable them to move forward with their life in a healthier way.
“We can look at asking them to leave as something that is necessary for them,” Shafer says. “It trains them to value boundaries, expectations and self-care, which is difficult to teach, but without which can lead to generational enabling issues.”
Two Cautions
Do not let your own anger, hurt, or grief take control of you in the moment, both Shafer and Dorfman advise. This can lead to damaging words, such as name calling or saying things you don’t mean, which may cause lasting damage to a relationship. It’s best to communicate with the child that you need to step back and address the issue again once you’re calmer and thinking more rationally.
Don’t threaten to withdraw support and then not act. “Infinite ‘final chances’ only lessen the parents’ ability to follow through,” Shafer says. “This further lessens the child’s ability to see the cause and effect of their actions.” It took me a while to actually act on my threats. There was one incident that led to a warning, then a second one, after which I told her she wouldn’t be allowed to live with me anymore if she continued to see her boyfriend and not follow the house rules. When the third incident happened, I followed through.
Read More: A Mother’s Pain When Her Grown Daughters Don’t Get Along
A New Relationship Takes Root
A year has passed since that day. We didn’t speak for several months, but I kept tabs on Mary through her friends. She got emergency housing at the university she was attending, and at the end of the semester, we began talking again.
I recently helped her move into her first rental. She is standing on her own two feet, working full time, and taking on adult responsibilities. Though she isn’t sure where she will be in a few years, for now, she is happy and stable. Much more so than she was living with me.
We needed distance. She needed independence.
We needed distance. She needed independence. And though the way we parted was regrettable, our relationship is better for having made these hard decisions. We talk often. She is starting to feel comfortable enough to start addressing some of her issues, which is a huge step forward.
I’ve gone through a lot of changes, too. I’ve re-focused on being a full-time mother to one child and on the sidelines for the other. The decreased stress and realization that in a few more years I will have an empty nest has opened up new ways of thinking. New possibilities for my future. Simply put, I’m happier.
I know now that no matter where I go or what I do, I’ve given my kids the tools they need to make their way in the world. I’ll always be there to support them. But I have to do the same for myself, too. And that, I’ve learned, is okay.
*This name has been changed to protect privacy
A version of this story was originally published in April 2019.
I read the article and all of the comments. I’m going to come at this from a different angle. I was never a parent. At 59 I’m obviously never going to be one. Nor did I ever want to be parent. My perspective is more along the lines of reap what you sow, and it’s addressed to all those parents who even contemplate kicking their kids out, much less actually doing so.
First off, I understand the sentiment of some parents here whose kids seem like absolute nightmares. At the same time there’s always the untold story, which is what kind of parents were they? That conveniently seems to be missing from a lot of the comments. I’ve known lots of people in my life. In general there’s a strong correlation between bad parenting and kids who end up on drugs, verbally/physically abusive, manipulative, etc. This isn’t to say good parenting can always prevent this, but it rarely happens from my experience. “Good” parenting isn’t just about taking care of their physical needs. It’s about providing a nurturing environment, letting them be free to develop without being a helicopter parent, not criticizing every decision they make because it’s not what you would do, and not having the attitude that just because you had it hard so should they.
The last thing on my list is very important. Challenges to a growing child are fine, so long as they are age appropriate and something a child of that age can be expected to deal with. That brings me to the entire kicking out thing. A lot of adults with good coping skills, and ability to earn far more than your average 18 year old, are struggling. Kicking a person out at a young age isn’t giving them another challenge to overcome in the hopes of furthering their development. It’s adding a pretty much impossible task to the set of problems which caused their wayward behavior to start with. What exactly do you think is going to happen to your kid when you kick them out? Do you think they’re going to come back a few years later, wildly successful, and tell you your tough love was the best thing you did for them? That rarely happens in real life. In reality, a girl will likely hook up with a pimp. A boy might start selling drugs, or sell themselves to gay men. These kids add to the social problems already existing and cost taxpayers a bundle.
Here’s what to do (and the legal framework should support this). If your kid is on drugs, they should be committed to a rehab facility until they’re clean. Your job as a parent begins when they come home. Provide a stable, nurturing environment. Let them stay as long as they want, only leaving when they’re mentally and financially able to be on their own. Accept that with the current job and housing market even kids without issues might need to stay with their parents well into their 30s, perhaps indefinitely. There’s nothing wrong with the latter, except in the American psyche. Multi-generational households were the norm for most of mankind’s existence. Arguably they’re much better from a mental and financial standpoint. This American idea that people should be on their own at the latest after graduating college is just so much nonsense.
Now here’s the reap what you sow part. I’m one of those “kids” who never left home. My parents were OK with it. I was a model child, never took drugs, never had many friends over, pulled my weight in chores, and was never abusive to my parents. My parents made a little noise a few times about kicking me out but they quickly realized it made no sense. I did a lot of stuff around the house which would have cost them thousands otherwise. I had lots of reasons for staying with my parents, both financial and for my own mental health. My two siblings left voluntarily, one at 24, the other at 29, but that was because they couldn’t tolerate my parents arguing with each other constantly.
My father passed in 2006. My mother is still alive, but she’s totally unable to fend for herself. I’ve been taking care of her since around 2015. I’ll be doing so for the rest of her life. If my parents had kicked me out, first off I never would have talked to either one ever again. And my mother would have spent her final years in a nursing home, where tales of abuse are rampant. So to all the parents here who either kicked their kids out, or are thinking of it, consider when you might be 80 years old, sitting in dirty adult diapers, never being visited, and wondering why. And also think of the years leading up to that when those kids you kicked out might decide to no longer be a part of your life. Or if they die on the streets, carry that in your conscience until your dying day.
Well Joe, thank God you didnt have kids. It amazes me how someone who has no idea about parenting would have so much to say. But, everyone is entitled to their opinon. But if you are going to give it, at least know what ur talking about.
What does me having or not having kids have to do with anything? As a citizen and a taxpayer, people like me are the ones to bear the costs of parents kicking their kids out. Bottom line, it should never be an option. You have kids, be aware there’s a possibility you may be supporting them for life. It’s not an ideal or desired outcome, but it’s a distinct possibility.
Tell me where I don’t know what I’m talking about. FYI, I’ve seen some of the end results of parents kicking their kids out. One of my former neighbors did that. His kid went between being homeless and crashing with friends. He died on the streets about two years after he was kicked out. His parents didn’t seem all that broken up about it. This guy was a good kid, too. Good in school and never got into trouble. His parents just didn’t want to support him after they legally could kick him out. They had the money, so that wasn’t the problem. They even had the nerve to tell my parents they should kick me and my siblings to the curb, as if that worked out so well for their son.
I remember seeing a girl about my age when I used to pass through Penn Station in college. I sadly had no money to give her, being that I was a broke college student, but same story. Don’t know what happened to her. I hope someone with the means to support her took her in. There’s millions of stories like this. I never wanted kids but if I did I wouldn’t have them unless I had the means to support them for their entire lives. I would want them to become independent, but at the same time as a parent it’s my responsibility to plan for it if they are unable to for whatever reason.
https://www.spaywall.com/search/https://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/13/health/13mind.html
I second that! Thank Effin god they didn’t reproduce
You know I don’t recall that being a parent was a was needed for being a decent human being, and showing empathy, Decency and compassion towards another human when they are suffering and struggling… And by your logic why are men allowed to make decisions about women’s health issues, why are priests in the religions where they can’t be married allowed to make decisions about marriage and relationships? Why are people who have never experienced homelessness allowed to make decisions about homelessness? Why are people who have never lived in poverty allowed to make decisions about poverty? Why are people who aren’t climate scientists about climate change? What’s so special about parenthood? Because I know plenty of parents that make absolutely awful decisions regarding to their children… And I would be proud and consiser myself lucky to have Joe as my parent anyday… Than you Laura…
He makes plenty of sense
Joe is right. Half of you lot are just bad parents and refuse to accept it. No one else is responsible for that baby except YOU. No one else raised that baby, YOU did.
Gave my son and his girlfriend five years to get their self together. No rent or chores, just get a job, save money and be strong when you’re ready to leave. But both haven’t been able to hold a job or start school. Recently for little things he has turned aggressive and violent. He is 26 years old. His anger and violence against me and my husband and our other child really leaves me with no choice. Yes we were very young when we had kids and probably didn’t do all the right things but always tried to support them in everything they needed or did. It’s just sad and heartbreaking to go through this. Definitely not what we wanted for him or us at all. So yes I agree we weren’t the best parents but tried with everything we had and knew. Love our children with all of our hearts. No winners here.
“which is what kind of parents were they”
You immediately turn to the “blank slate myth” and blaming the parents right off. Long ago, psychologists concluded some people are just bad seeds, and nothing can be done about it. Good parents are often at a loss as to why one child is so cruel and selfish. You are denying that child-to-parent violence is real, and instead you’re victim blaming. There is no excuse for abuse & violence. Each situation has to be judged accordingly, but in many cases the child is a sociopath & it’s them, not the parents, who are the problem.
Love everything you said. Unfortunately, I’m one of those children who had their own place that they were paying for, then my parents decided they would eventually leave the property to my brother and I,so they didn’t think it was right that I had to pay so they said I didn’t have to anymore. I was so grateful. Well years down the road I had gotten addicted to pain pills after having 3 surgeries back to back. Well long story short, my dad started telling people that we just quit paying rent and he never told my fiance and I that we didn’t have to pay. Then he has us evicted from our home of 17 years and sells it. 17 years of memories and a roof over our heads, gone. Much more to the story but it would end up being a book. Lol! Anyways, until he owns up to all of his lies, we will never have that close relationship like we did when I was growing up.
I am going through the heartache of telling my 16 year old that he is no longer welcome in my home until he wants to work on himself. He constantly lies to his father and step mom about the things that go on in my home to the point that it has made coparenting non existent. He has lied and manipulated his whole life and making a rife between his father and I. His father and stepmom are both very disrespectful towards me and I feel that my son thinks that it is ok to do the same. They do not think he is lying and in turn think that I am the one that is lying. He also, becuase their view of me, thinks that I am a liar. This make my heart hurt so very much.
The rules in my house are never followed and he doesn’t care about consequences here because they don’t matter when he is not in my home. My other two children with my husband are starting to notice that my 16 year old gets away with things and the accountability is non existent even though we try to have him understand what he is doing. He does not care. He says he wants to be here but his actions are the complete opposite. I told him that he isn’t allowed in my home until he is accountable for what he is doing. It is causing an unstable home environment for my younger kids and causing a strain on my marriage.
He’s SIXTEEN. Are you kidding me? I’m glad he has a family to stay with. This isn’t going to do anything to solve your relationship problems, he’s just a casualty in the war between you and his father. That’s your real issue. Stop blaming your own kid for it.
Are you denying that some children are sociopaths? Are you denying child-to-parent violence, and that it’s the fault of the child? It’s called CD, and it’s not the parents fault. You are victim blaming. The whole “blank slate” myth is a lie, and it’s helping to prop up this idea that children are good, and parents are bad.
So you believed your eldest daughter was responsible for her younger sister. I can’t imagine why she hates you.
Hold on there…it’s no different than chores! Helping your family out is being a team player. She neglected to help her sibling…get off your high horse.
But I definitely would not have trusted her to. If she can’t even handle a car…
“Being a team player” is gaslighting. My alcoholic parents constantly told me to sit down, shut up, up by my bootstraps, and take one for the team when I called them out on their heavy drinking. Kicking your child out, even when they’re adults, is one of the absolute worst things you could ever do for your child. Completely inhumane. Even threatening it is inhumane. Especially when inflation is as crazy in America as it is today. There’s absolutely NO good reason for these harsh forms of punishment which ultimately teach nothing. Your child is well aware you use these harsh forms of punishment and is reacting in a completely normal and healthy way. Parents with an authoritarian style, by far, only use these means of control to take their own anger and frustrations out on their children- it doesn’t matter if harsh words were or were not said. These parents were raised this way by their own parents and think their children have to live through the same problems THEY experienced when they were young. These parents don’t realize the world they grew up in no longer exists. The damaging effects of mental manipulation in these relationships are always there. Parents should know when they’re being unfair. The authors child is clearly turning to drugs and alcohol because their parental figure has their own mental issues. Theyre NINTEEN for christ sake. MANY psychologists would agree, young people are not fully developed until the age of 30. Parents have absolutely NO business involving themselves in their ADULT child’s sex life. Forcing yourself to be involved, as a parent, is sexual abuse. Parents like this will go to any lenghts to prove a point and won’t let their child be correct about even the smallest of things. Terrible, terrible nonsense.
oh dear you sound like one of them entitled teenagers with your words. When you live under someone else’s roof and are subsided by your parents they the do have a right to know what you are doing and set rules. Yes even adult life has rules and if you break them there are consequences. Last point, when a parent is giving advise or “meddling” it is usually to prevent your pee little sized brains from making an awful decision. unfortunately by the time your old enough to look back and understand that everything was out of conditional love. your usually in your 40s and they are dead and buried or extremely old.
Omg you sound like an entitled somebody. Sometimes kicking your kid out is the absolute best thing you can do to him/her. My parents did it to me when I was 18 which was 26 years ago and it made me stronger than I ever imagined. Grow up youngster.
I shouldn’t kick my aggressive stepdaughter out, a school dropout, that’s 23 years old, adopts a dog she won’t even WALK or FEED, leaving this responsibility for her father that has been diagnosed with PREMATURE DEMENTIA, and HEART PROBLEMS, I have to tolerate him trying to take a 100$ a month cellphone away from her we pay for from OUR SOCIAL SECURITY (we are BOTH DISABLED and she hasn’t worked a DAY IN HER LIFE, and REFUSES TO DO ANY CHORES) pushes her father around to take her CELLPHONE BACK FROM HIM, abuses US BOTH PHYSICALLY and VERBALLY, has TOLD ME TO DIE, has TOLD HER FATHER TO THROW ME OUT, calls me UGLY, a RETARDED B****, I SHOULDNT THROW OUT a 23 YEAR OLD ADULT that VANDALIZES OUR HOME and OUR PROPERTY and contributes NOTHING TO THE HOUSEHOLD SHE SLEEPS ALL DAY and CHATS ALL NIGHT, BUT ALWAYS FINDS MONEY TO MANIPULATE HER FATHER TO GO BUY HER ALCOHOL? CAUSE SHE DOESNT EVEN DRIVE at 23 ??? MY PARTNER ASKS HER TO LEAVE and get a JOB and she asks for MORE TIME, TO SLEEP ALL DAY and PUT US AGAINST EACH OTHER ??????? YES I WILL THROW HER OUT WITH A JUDGE… ITS INHUMANE how she is TREATING The PEOPLE THAT ARE HOUSING HER AND FEEDING HER. She’s an ADULT TO DRINK and BULLY US AROUND every WEEK, she’s TOUGH ENOUGH TO BE ON HER DAMN OWN TWO FEET !
I’m in the current process of taking action to evict my 24 year old son and it’s terribly painful. It goes against everything I am as a mother, but he is 24 years old, has never had a job and has no friends. He has Asperger’s but is very intelligent and there is no reason he cannot have some sort of job. He smokes cigarettes and weed. He doesn’t shower or clean his teeth enough. His room is disgusting. He is a nice, gentle young man…until I or his father (who lives in another town) displease him in some way and he will rant, throw things and get verbally extremely abusive. His texts during these times are multiple and very poisonous. He has struck his father but never me though has threatened to. He has a rotten life but blames everyone but himself. Of course he’s going to be depressed sitting in his room all day with the blinds shut watching YouTube or playing Playstation. His father and I have suggested and tried EVERYTHING to help him. He won’t even come for a walk outside with me or to the local supermarket for half an hour. Most of the time, he doesn’t appear overly depressed but when he’s angry, he tells me I will “make” him kill himself. I’ve decided I am over the fear and ejecting him may help him but if the worst does happen, I and his Dad have done our very best. I don’t even expect a reply, it just helps to talk about it.
Hi, how did everything work out? I am going through the exact same-thing with my Asperger son 25 word for word.
I hope it all worked out and would love to hear more.
Thank you for posting.
Hi I’m going through this at the moment with my son know it’s the right thing to do so must follow through hope everything’s turned out for you sometimes the right rd is the hardest X
Hi, how did you kick your kid out? Can you advise me please as I am similar to you just that I was kicked out few years ago until their mum passes away and I want my house back.
Thank you
I totally understand x
hello im a mom of 5 and i try to be as lovable with all my children and be there for them and i have a 20 year old who is stinking up my house he tells me he dosent need deorant cuz he is home but i tell him he does need it no matter if he is home or not we all tell him but he dosent listen he also dosent work we tried so many times helping him get a job but he refuse it i tried to be patient but i cant no more i dont want to argue and cause a bigger problem please help
I have a 26 yr old son that lives with me and my husband. He does nothing to help around the house while we both work. He’s an alcoholic and while my husband and I don’t drink and don’t enable that…his friends do. He’s up all night and sleeps all day. He does visit with us some and I’ve had plenty of heart to hearts with him, but nothing gets through to him. He got a DWI in January of 2019 and was put on probation, but has violated it and he tried to turn himself in, but they won’t take him because of COVID. He can’t work because we live out in the country and he can’t drive because of the DWI & because they have a breathalyzer on his car. We won’t allow him to use one of our vehicles because we don’t trust him. Is it wrong that I want them to start taking violators, so he can be out of my house? To be honest, it would be good for him too because he could get this over with and start fresh. I feel like such a horrible mom to want jail for my son just to get him out of my house! I know for mine and my husband’s sake I just need to kick him out no matter what, but how do I do that?
Hi Carrie
I’m sorry tour going through this with yours son. When I came to the point of no longer being able to accept the behavior (I mean no matter how much I tried, & he’d say he would charge it never happened)
So when I felt i had no other choice but to tell him to leave my house, I actually did it when we weren’t in the middle of an argument or fight. I also gave him a few diff options of family who might be able rio help him. And just tell him that, although you line him with all of your heart you really don’t see the situation getting better anytime soon. Therefore it’s probably best that he give you both some space and leave. But make sure to tell him that it’s still his home & when and if he gets the help he needs he will always welcomed.
I just goes you do understand that after this conv. he resent you, & possibly not speak to you for sometime. Good luck let me know how it goes.
Hi Elizabeth,
Thank you so much for not making me feel so alone, I have just had to throw my 19 year old son out after he broke my nose. His father was very abusive and although I left his father when he was one years old he continued a campaign of abuse and the courts gave him access even though he was violent every time my son came back from his fathers he would stomp around the house and was angry with me. He smokes skunk and has become very aggressive, he is manipulative and goes to his fathers side of the family who condone his behaviour. I will not have him back but I do miss him and worry about him as he does have good points. I called the police when he broke my nose and then told then police it was an accident (i know I shouldn’t have done this but I felt guilt) Its so good to know I am not alone as he has been emotionally and physically abusing me for years.
Mazza
Mazza it’s heartbreaking to see how many of us (moms) expressing everything that’s happened to us. I know when I first read this story I (a little relifed) knowing I wasn’t a horrible mom, this is something most people don’t talk about but is really happening. Of course we love our kids to death & would do probably do just about anything for them.
It also doesn’t make it ok that because they’re our kids that they behave in that manner.
I’m really happy/saddened that it came to you kicking him out. But in no way, shape, or form should you allow for any type of negative behavior from your teen. I feel horrible it took you this long to ask him to leave. But I also understand that you love your son and thought he might even change at some point. But sometimes it’s necessary that we take those measurements. You asking him to leave was probably for your own sanity & all together health. Because I certainly went thorough so much watching my older brother (when I was very young) be abusive towards my parents. And I promised myself I’d never allow that to happen with my kids.
I know you these young adults are very smart, they know between right & wrong. But they still cross the line, now maybe they do it to see how far they can get away with their behavior. But you did the right thing.
I know it’s gonna be hard, and your son may resent you at some point, because mine still does but you’ve done nothing wrong (you didn’t mention what was it that lead to him breaking your nose??)
I’m my situation somewhere down the line in our mother/son relationship there was a shift in his attitude & or behavior and it just became apparent he no longer cared about having a parent because he only saw it as someone telling him what to do. I always felt I walked on eggshells. I’ll forward you my email if you’d like to connect through a zoom call let me know. Thought it’d be a good idea get to connect with other parents get to know 1 another & maybe offer support 2 each other when needed. Email me if your interested. Thanks wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
Subject line: Parent~Son/Daughter Relationship
You are a HUGE enabler because you provide a place to live for an alcoholic. You are financing his addiction. Go to Alanon to learn how to stop enabling. Move him to an urban area where he can work and attend AA.
Steps
1) Give him a specific date to move out.
2) Offer to pay for 2-3 months rent at an AirBNB or extended stay hotel in an urban area. After 3 months, he can continue paying the rent or find a new place. If he accepts, great. If not, go to Plan B.
3) A few days later == reiterate the move out date. That date hasn’t changed. Since he doesn’t want your help, that’s OK but he’s an adult so he can figure out housing on his own. Social services helps people who need temporary housing and he can contact them. You can give him the phone number, if you wish.
4) Possible idea: turn off the internet and turn off cable TV. Stop making any food for him. Don’t buy any food he likes.
5) (Figure out a way to get him out of the house.) Ask your husband to drive him to place to go out to eat in an urban area (near an extended stay hotel.) While this dinner is taking place, you have previously arranged for a locksmith to change locks — then at a later time — install a home security system.
6) At dinner, ex-husband explains that he’s not driving son back to your house. Instead, one month of rent has been paid to extended stay hotel located down the street. Here’s a piece of paper with social services and Alcoholics Anonymous to help navigate recovery, housing and job search. We will drop off your clothes and other items at the hotel soon. You are evicted. We believe in your intelligence and ability to overcome your problems. Good luck.
7) If he threatens anyone, get a restraining order. Expect this to occur and know how to do this in advance.
Oh my goodness!!!
I’m completely speechless, I swear I thought I was the only parent going through this.
After reading all these stories & what each parent has been going through is so sad & difficult.
In July of 2020 I kicked my son out of our home he’s 21 but he was doing so many things that were wrong. Since leaving my home he’s been coming & going picking up things every time I’ve had to deal with him whether it be in person or on the phone it’s always been a negative experience he always has something to tell me, he’s very angry with me, he says that I am the one who needs help and really hope I get help, hopes I learn from what I’ve done to him, says I’m loosing him forever, says I’ll never see him again. I mean very hurtful things that I don’t know as a parent why or how we ever got to this place like I have no idea what happened when it happened why it happened because that’s not the son I’ve raised throughout the years.
As i was growing up I saw my oldest brother verbally & emotionally abuse my parents even until today. Which made me feel this behavior may something that runs in my.
Kids today feel they’re entitled, that as parents that is our responsibility to take care of them until they can take care of themselves, if we don’t respect them (of course we need to respect our children) or talk to them in a nice way, without telling them what to do something, they will not care I feel the tables are turned around & I have to behave with them because if I don’t behave I will be putting my place or told something. I have two grown sons ages 19 & 22 as a single parent it’s extremely extremely difficult. I’ve been receiving therapy, but it’s always nice to have all these parents we can share stories with and possibly help another parent along the way.
We should definitely put together some kind of Zoom Meeting where parents could get together weekly and just talk. I know I’d benefit from listening to others.
Someone once told me to always remember to say to ourselves when going through a difficult situation that we’re doing the best we can.
Good luck everyone.
Wow! Eliszaberh our stories are so similar. I’d love to connect with you, and I agree, a Zoom would be amazing! I, too, thought I the only single mom going through this.
Peace & Love to all parents doing the very best they can, yet battling the difficult decision in releasing their child.
Hi Leen
If you’d like to reach out, any parent that feels like connecting possibly even doing some type of zoom call to share experiences, maybe give ideas on what a parent can do told the healing process.
Please email me at wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
Hi Leen have you tried reaching out through my email since April? I completely forgot I’d given you that email address and my emailed get deleted after 15 days (changed my settings) in my inbox. Hopefully we can chat so that we can meet through zoom. I’d be amazing we get a few parents together and we just talk and or share what we’re going through. I know that changes sometimes to a better situation (which is the ultimate goal) but just so that weekly parents can get online and just share. My email is wruiz2007wr@hotmail.com
For any parents trust would like to be a part of it let me know just a quick message would be great.
I have recently sold my home to move in with my boyfriend with my 10 year old to get away from my 17 year old son who is totally out of control..I need some guideline and help.. I’m having a very hard time living day to day.
So sorry to hear this. I’m sure others on this thread may be able to give you some guidance. Good luck.
I am going through the same thing. My oldest vandalized our car 3 times since he was asked to leave. My husband and our youngest are moving away. Just to feel safe. I’m torn between feeling guilty, angry, ashamed, and depressed. Happens often everyday. I’m too looking for guidance. It’s been 8 months since he left.
Oh my. This is so hard. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I expect/hope that others on this thread can offer you some words of support. Best of luck to you.
Hello,
Did you ever start those zoom meetings? If so, I would like to join in. I hope I sent my message to the right email.
Hi I received your message thanks for reaching out to me.
Let me know what day works you. I can send you a zoom invite & we can go from there. It doesn’t have to be long just informative enough to help one another.
My son is 19 and has been manipulative, nasty, on drugs, disrespectful, bad attitude etc since 17(that’s when the worst started anyway). Your reply could have been my words. We kicked him out when he was 18 but that only lasted 3 weeks. This time it’s permanent. I can’t handle the lies, disrespect and rule breaking anymore. He’s attempted suicide for attention and this last time I couldn’t handle it. His friend called an ambulance to my house. Son was fine, but this time he reckoned he was serious. That was the last straw. That selfish act.
I think about when he was a baby and when we went on adventures camping as he was growing up. There were so many good times… But what can you do?
Its sad we as parents are all having the same issues, but noone has said we re the troubled son or daughter goes when actually kicked out. The street?,a shelter? Plus, noone wants to couch someone during this pandemic, maybe even jail? Then they will have a police record. Which means no job to make money to be independent. Do I kick my 19 year old Xanax addicted, ptsd, depressed and suicidal son who has been in detox and rehab several times and still refuses help out to the street in 20 degree weather?
My son is 26 and I wonder the same thing, but maybe we have to just do it and hope and pray that the struggle they endure will make them grow up and be responsible? I know my son isn’t doing either while he’s living under my roof. I just need to find the strength to push him out of the nest I guess.
“noone wants to couch someone during this pandemic, maybe even jail? Then they will have a police record. Which means no job to make money to be independent. Do I kick my 19 year old Xanax addicted, ptsd, depressed and suicidal son who has been in detox and rehab several times and still refuses help out to the street in 20 degree weather?” You can do that if you want a dead son. He’ll probably kill himself. Enjoy the blood on your hands.
You need to be quiet. If you need to let go of your son then that’s what you have to do. It’s probably the best thing for him.
I hope you have found some resolution to this situation. If not you must consider a few things does your state have laws that allow you to have him committed to a Psychiatric ward or detox and rehab. Addiction is a serious thing and co occurring disorders such as ptsd and depression go hand in hand. There is plenty of help available you just know where to look. Allowing him to stay without help is enabling his behavior. There can be much success if you son wishes to get clean. There are many long term solutions for addicts and those with mental disorder are available to like halfway houses and sober houses.
Wait a second. The older child was responsible for her younger sister making it to school? No, that’s a parents responsibility. Setting up reliable assistance or whatever it is all on the parent. Choose wisely. Mary wasn’t working out so the parent is responsible to change to a plan that works. Ultimately. End of story.
Demanding someone be responsible for your child is by definition an irresponsible act. Using coercion will certainly backfire. A caregiver must agree to be responsible. They will probably expect compensation.
When the school help incident happened & the oldest daughter was 60 miles away how far away was the mother on her business trip? Numbers. Emotionless. Comparable. Revealing.
Who’s kid is it again?
Notice the complaints levied against children are non descript. Often the privilege of parental presence is a form of reward for cooperation.
Another tale sign of an abusive parent. Airing grievances about personal relationships in a public setting to gather support for themselves.
Mary’s problems for instance are no one else’s business. Why spread gossip about your own child? Because you’re a twit.
Wow, thank you for saying exactly what I was thinking… now I don’t have to be as annoyed
No. She’s not. She’s tired and fed up. She’s also didn’t say anything that would allow anyone to identify her, so it’s not really gossip.
That it’s not your reality is fine. Lacking compassion is fine. Even half reading what she wrote is fine I guess. Calling her names and arrogantly imposing your values and judgment on her is not fine. Btw, people who don’t have “people” to do those kinds of things for them often ask an older sibling to pick a younger one up. It’s not really asking someone to raise their child to ask a 19 yo to pick up a sibling from school. I have a word for someone who goes after other people like that, but it’s not twit, it starts with an a.
Peace & Love to you, Jez!
You read my mind. I find that people that lack compassion and go out of their way to attack another human being behind a screen is hurting. Clearly, they’re on this platform for a reason. I send them so much love & hope as they need it the most.
There’s no book on raising the perfect child. It doesn’t exist.
Thank you, again, for expressing my thoughts through your share.
Love & Light
I think a family is responsible toward the whole unit. A working parent (keeping a roof over the kids’ head) should be able to rely on a 17 y o to pick up younger sister. Way to shame.
Exactly! I agree completely. At 17, you have little responsibility. It’s not too much to ask to transport a sibling. No, she’s not the mother but she is the older sister!
Exactly! I agree completely. At 17, you have little responsibility. It’s not too much to ask an older brother/sister to transport a sibling. No, she’s not the mother but she is the older sister and all families have tasks or contributions to uphold
Eric, you just outed yourself as a young adult living at your parent(s)’ house. Only someone who is not a parent and is coming from the POV of a spoiled young adult would write what you wrote.
Exactly!
Disgusting attack. Do you even have kids? I have a bipolar teen who refuses help and acts out in many of the same ways. If you say you will do something and someone is counting on you, do you just blow them off and call them a twit for you not keeping your word? No I think you would be better served placing your name calling and uninformed judgements on yourself instead of these women trying their best in a heartbreaking situation. Yes a 19 year old who says they will do something should do it like anyone else. I guess you’re the type that breaks their word then blames others for their actions like these teens. If your moral compass is so off, why should any of us who actually live this take your opinion or judgements seriously?
Cady says:
I am a mother who 61 years old, whose husband and father of her 3 children died almost 5 years ago; after which, my son became addicted to opiates and valium. It was when he added alcohol to the mix at age 24, that he began to physically and verbally abuse me, stealing my car, my credit cards and money. I am a recovering alcoholic with over 20 years of sobriety. My oldest son at age 32 and my youngest; a daughter, age 22, as well as both my friends told me to kick my abusive son out, for which I always replied that I cannot kick out a sick child who has a $200 – $500 monthly income, no friends, and no where to live out into the streets to become homeless, feeling unloved, abandoned, alone, and scared. I felt and my son also said that to do so would eventually lead to his death. I love my son no matter what and do not want to be the catalyst for his death. However, my eldest son and my daughter are angry with me for not kicking their brother into the street. Therefore, they are abandoning me at the worst point in my life after losing my job due to COVID, without any transportation, no savings and without friends who also abandoned me for not kicking my son out. My daughter has not lived with me for 2 years; whereas my eldest son has stayed in the house he was born in with me and has paid 1/2 the mortgage on my home. My daughter has come home to live temporarily and I found out it was to talk my eldest son into moving out of state with her and leaving me without means to buy groceries, money to pay the mortgage, alone with my abusive son and they are being very harsh with me saying they are very angry with me. They blame me for allowing my son to abuse me. Each time I called police, the officers also blamed me for my son’s abuse saying “kick him out”. But how do I kick a depressed and addicted sick child out into the streets to possibly die? Now it looks like we will both be homeless, feeling unloved, lost, desperate, and scared pushing a shopping cart with a few belongings in it as my other two kids pass by me daily on their way to work..Seems to me that I just can’t win.
OMG are you for real? Your comment and situation is pathetic, and I too, was once in that position. You need to call the Dr. Laura program so she can talk some sense into you—seriously. You should also consider getting the book “ The Family Freeloader: A Biblical Answer for Sob Stories, Con Games, and Never Having to Get Off the Couch”. By Sister Renee Pittelli. I think you are a total enabler. My grandmother enabled my drug addict mother until she died of cancer. My mom was 56 and still living at home taking drugs, drinking booze, and compulsively gambling any bit of money she can scrounge up. I never took her in, never accepted her nonsense, and totally cut her out of my life. She still occasionally calls trying to offer excuses and never wants to take ownership of her problems. Typically she’ll call when she wants money, but I just totally ignore her. She seems to have survived. Never put up with another person’s crap, not even your adult children. We also went through this with my adult step daughter. She did drugs and got knocked up being stupid. We gave her a second chance, but when she disrespected our home, out the door she went. Kicking her out was a consequence of her doing, not ours. You need to learn that.
A woman just poured her heart about her personal tragedies and you bash her? What kind of a human are you? Only cowards do what you do, hide behind a screen harassing hurting mothers. ‘Pathetic, Enabling?’ How dare you say that to her.
Clearly, you’re on this site for reason. Check yourself! Karma is real and what you put out comes back to you a million times.
Believe it.
Whatever human hurt you, I hope you heal. Only hurt people go out their way to hurt others.
Pray you can handle the Universes karma when it catches you. In the interim, you should read books on healing, compassion, karma, and self love.
Deuces
She was correct mot unkind. She offered her a reality that she had experienced. I also see enabling with her situation. I do understand also that there seems to be a dependency for her allowing such abuse, which would make her more willing to continue in an abusive relationship with her adult child. Having to survive by enabling your children to abuse you would be a clear indication that this parent not having the skills to have offered her children for their healthy choices in life. The parents roll would is insure the foundation needed for their children to grow from. Here we read that this parent had not accomplished this and is now in the child position with having to be abused for the necessities in life. Enabler yes! But also goes both directions, mother enables the son and the abuses and enamels his mother!
Get him help. AA NA are free make him go set boundries and stick to them. get your self help Al anon. Stop enabling him. Everyone knows there is a problem there are solutions detox rehab psych wards. He needs more help than you can give. Addictions never ever get better only worse. is he stealing from you yet. manipulating you out of money. He is an adult with an addiction that needs more help than you alone can give. Untreated addiction will lead to jail institutions or death. do not listen to the haters on this page. He has serious issues that no parent or family can heal on there own. HIs providers and yours can help you deal with this help you separate from him. and help him with his issues
Our adult daughter is now 19. Her rebellion began two years ago, mostly with running away, getting high and being so disrespectful. Right before her graduation, we had her arrested for domestic abuse, because she started hitting us. She left, but she couched surfed for several months, then she ended up shacking up with her abusive boyfriend. This past April, he beat her, and she moved back in with us, and brought her puppy.
She is starting to get her act together, she’s working two part time jobs, and taking three classes at the community college. Problem is, she is still soo disrespectful, her mouth. She keeps pot in the car we let her drive, she doesn’t practice any self care, she doesn’t want to help around the house. Recently, someone chased her to our house wanting to fight her and I had to break them up. This was at 8am in the morning! Her thinking is that won’t move out because we won’t co-sign for a place for her, but we are holding firm, because we are definitely not rewarding her reckless behavior. She is so manipulative and she thinks if she makes us so miserable we will break down.
How does one find a place for your adult child to move to? What resources are available for those getting out on their own? She is really putting a toll on our marriage and mental health.
You don’t. It’s not your job to find her a place if she is an adult. I would contact a lawyer, draw up eviction papers, and her her you’re giving her the pink slip in life. Let her figure it out. IT IS NOT YOUR JOB TO FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR THEM, IT’S THEIRS! I recommend you listen to the Dr. Laura program and her explanation on parenting and why she cannot stand “snowflakes.” I too put up with a disrespectful brat, but them days are long over….and my spouse and I are way happier because of it.
Such a refreshing article, I really enjoyed it. When you as a parent are being abused and used, its time to say goodbye and let them stand on their own two feet. Maybe they’ll learn. I find it really awful to read what parents put up with from their young adult “children”. It seems to me they (the parents) are often just complete doormats. If you can really communicate and give your teenagers some freedoms with some minimum expectations they maintain, great. But if they are abusive and regularly in trouble, I really believe nothing good can come from them living at home. Sad but true.
I just put my daughter out , I can’t take her attitude anymore, she blames me for everything!!
I’m so sorry to hear this. Do you have support to help you get through this. Best to you.
How did you do that? My daughter says, I can’t make her leave, that I would have to call the police to have her removed!! It’s terrible, but I wish that she would go willingly!! She is so much right now!!! I really hate we have this strained relationship. It just breaks my heart!
I know that couldn’t have been easy for you to do. I too am going through a similar situation. I already told one of my sons to leave. But the other one that lives with me always seems to know what to say to me to make me feel bad. We barely speak to each other because it always leads to an argument where it’s always my fault.
I wish I could say it gets better but sometimes it has to get even worse after they leave in order for things to begin getting better. Good luck to you and your family.
I have a daughter, 20 years old. She is in her third year of college. Even thought she is a good student, I am ready to kick her out from the house but I want to make sure if I am doing the right thing or maybe not. She was a great caring girl until she turned 17. She started having emotional issues and making her self as a victim and blaming me for everything that is happening in her life. She started manipulating me, naming me the bad words, etc. The room became a total disaster, piles of clean and dirty cloth everywhere, dirty socks on the desk, dirty stinky dishes are laying on the floor. The smell in the room is totally disgusting. Even if I come into the room, I will hear immediate response “get out from my room”. She doesn’t vaccum, doesn’t wash a single plate, very rude and totally disrespectful. She is using my car. Well, not anymore after I needed a car at the same time as she . She was yelling that she doesn’t care if I need to go anywhere and she will take a car no matter what. On mother’s day she was making cards for others. On her birthday, I bought her flowers and by giving her the flowers she kicked me out from the room. Please please help me. My eyes can’t stop from crying. Please.
I am so sorry Natasha. Is her father involved in her life? Do you have access to a family therapist? I think you need outside help. It’s so much for one person to bear. Please let us know if you’re able to make any progress. Wishing you all the best.
Two days ago, I told our son to leave. I agree with the article that it is a heart-wrenching experience. He is our only, our baby, and we have raised him to the best of our ability – teaching him about respect and honor, and important religious values as Catholics. We have always expressed how much he means to us and that we love him, although my husband is from a different culture that our son knows does not express these feelings so directly. We have rewarded him for good behavior and have tried not to judge. Yes, I have nagged. Mainly about school. He’s in the middle of a repeat semester at a community college, because he didn’t put in the required effort last semester–messing around, procrastinating…. He lost his savings from that. He just barely graduated from hs, not because of a lack of smarts, but lack of effort and motivation, and due to distractions. Doing the same thing again this semester and he has 2 wks left, with lenience for the online learning, but still has to study and turn in assignments.
We have given consequences that we could when our son did inappropriate things such as lying, not coming home on time, not doing homework, getting in other sorts of trouble. He’s had some diversion and counseling. However, it’s been two years since he’s been off the rails, skirting around with friends vaping, coming home 5-10 hours later than agreed, not using his car appropriately, lying about how he spends his money and where he was. [I guess you can see that many of us who comment are also struggling at home and need advice!] He can be very respectful, but this situation has worsened, and nothing to do with the pandemic. In the last few years, we can count a handful of times that he got up on his own–we have had to wake him for school and his p/t job. The phone….nothing we can do about that. He’s too old and the password. I tried taking it away–bad idea. My husband and child have never been violent. I’m just so tired of the lying, deception, and his terrible decisions. Okay. He may have experienced some trauma when younger when his father had an alcohol problem (at least he remembers the time, and has said he’d never go in that direction because of what he saw). My husband quit about 6 years ago and is a responsible, caring person. He would give our son a bit of pocket money too each time he did good deeds. He’s completely fed up now.
Our son’s a chronic asthmatic and has been vaping and we’ve also found him smoking mj. Something had to give. When I gave him my card the other day to shop for food nearby bc I was ill, and come right back, instead he went and used my card w/friends to buy vape material and came home 5 hours later. I just got fed up. My husband supports me (he was at work when this happened). It’s your child, and it’s easy to question yourself and feel so alone wondering if it was the right decision. I think he went to stay with friends but no idea. He’s not contacted us in almost 3 days. I hope he is okay. I worry. I miss him. I don’t miss the rest. He’s never done anything on his own. Can’t cook, doesn’t know how to fix things. At 18, not the most mature. Worldly and well read (we have traveled everywhere and lived overseas). I didn’t know what else to do. I’m speechless that he would choose to do bad instead of good. He has a bright future. The pandemic is terrible, but it was like the will of God, giving him a chance to stay at home and focus, get his work done, and get good grades. He says he cares, but in his heart he doesn’t–I guess. I hope he’s not suffering somewhere. He only took a small backpack. He has friends. I don’t know their numbers. They are in the Latino community. I think some of them are a bad influence (nothing to do with that though); I wonder what their parents are thinking if he is there, having a stranger in the house during this time. I know our son would not have gone to a shelter. There are services, but he would have never sought them out.
Thanks for any advice for someone who is an older parent who has given their child way too many chances to do the right thing…..
Sandra, my soul knows your pain. We are about a month behind you.
My son will turn 18 in July and we are planning for him to move out.
The current economy, pandemic, social unrest is terrible and I pray for both our sons.
I also relate. I’ve have felt so alone in this and continue to struggle with the decision to annex my soon to be 18 year old son. He is the youngest of our 3 sons and by far the most challenging.
My battles with his became of concern during his freshman year in high school. He had used our banking account prior but we were unaware of the financial abuse that he had actually been doing. We would find Amazon purchases that we had not placed. We we addressed this with our sons the younger one would always have a convincing way of explaining that it was with permission that he had placed the order. This became a routine until we realized it was nothing more then way out for him. Asking him to reveal his Amazon purchase history only angered him and got us nowhere. He hid his phone and locked himself in his room. We had 5 prime account charges at $100 dollars each within less the 45 days. He was closing accounts to show us he had not been ordering but opening new accounts in the back ground. This eventually rolled in to the use of Uber and door dash abuse of or finances. He began tapping into our banking funds gain and using our living means to support his and his friends exclusive task for fast foods. He was ordering 40+ dollars daily and having door dash deliver at his school. We caught this a month later and $700. lost. It didn’t stop there. Moving forward to 2020/2021 we see once again our funds have been compromised by our son. This time we see multi, near daily, money transactions where funds are subtracted from our account at addesnto random cash apps. This was in September and the damage was over $1500. We confront him and the excavates flew. By the way he was at the eve of have turned 17. We were completely at a loss with this situation. This time his damage was felt much deeper as it was our mortgage account he stole from. Never once have we seen remorse from him. Now, we’re in February 2021, and you guessed it… once again we have withdrawals to our finances. We wanted to believe that there would be no way he’d done this again knowing the damage he caused just months prior. Wrong we were. This damage cost us $2500.00.
This isn’t all the financial burdens we’ve endured. There was the vandalism he and friends did with egging homes and keying another’s vehicle. That also cost us $1700.00 plus a retaliation to our vehicle that is still needing repair in the upwards of $5000.00. It still sits with this damage.
There is also the continued steeling of our vehicles in the middle of the night, by having keys made or swapping ours with a look alike. up to getting caught an hour away from our home. Having been pulled over driving a 110 mph with out a license costed us this far $400.00 for the impound fees and additional damage to the same vehicle. Towing company’s neglect causes denting the right back of our car. Yet refused taking any blame when it was clearly towing damage. However had our son not taken it, all wouldn’t have happened!
We have court this month for the charges brought against his actions. We’re expecting fines up to $2500.00 to come our way.
Additionally, he is failing every subject and skipping school. We recently found out that he’s had a friend call the school and check him out almost weekly stating to be me. When asking him to explain he becomes aggressive and foul. His communicating is the text book description of gaslighting behavior. Topic starts with subject and down the bunny trails we go. Never bring the topic to be discussed back into focus.
The foul remarks and insults he has said to me are not reasonable and mot warranted by any means.
I may not have been mother of the year but I have provided and cared for everyone of my sons and only sought out positive reinforcement with only their best interest at heart. I’ve been open to communicate and very understanding. I have the sense to know that the youth muse is still developing and not capable of the decisions making of an developed adults mind. So I haven’t expected them to be perfect by any means. However, I have and will always expect them to be respectful, honest, and willing to communicate to the best of their ability. I will listen and offer understanding always but it may be that I wouldn’t always agree and that it need also to be understood that I to have position and it my not align with them. This then is understood that it’s ok to have differences and it will never change or effect my live for them. I accept and respect them as they should also me.
My older two sons have the best intentions and still involve me and appreciate me as their mother but as a person independent of them as do I with them.
Where it went sideways with our youngest, I can’t figure out!
He’ll be 18 in two weeks and I’ve come to this decision that he can no longer continue to live under my roof and that it’s in his best interest to look for a place now or he’ll be out with little means. Regardless, it’s my belief that having exhausted every possible reasoning attempt to get his attention addressing his behavior, and having failed, I’m left with out any other choice. This is by far more pain for me then it be to him and I know it will be the most difficult decision I’ll have had to make with any of my sons. It isn’t out of hate or anger that I’ve decided this. It’s out of care and concern only and should I not take this moment now to allow him to feel the actions of his choices, it may become to late and I’d loose him altogether. I don’t know the answers but I know I love this child and I’ve only offered my best. I’ve been there, never once placing any one of my children second where I was needed to be present!
How does your son continue to get access to your bank account? I literally had to start locking my bedroom door to keep my daughter out of my purse. Kicked her out after she quit her job and was disrespectful and refusing to discuss her job situation. She came back after a week and wanted access to her PC. She refused to sign a new living agreement and did get a job. After a heated argument with her about needing to budget, her inability to report progress in college after last year almost flunking out, she stormed out to go live with her dad. Wouldn’t come home for her birthday, Christmas, or disclose progress in school (required since it is my info on her financial aid app and she is a dependent). Says she will only move home if she can have her PC back. Too bad. Have a good life at dads house. Life is calm and peaceful without her here. No locking up things, no arguing, food in the house, hot water for a shower and her old room is clean. She’s missed but she can figure it out at the other parents house. Had a call from a collection agency the other day about her PayPal account negative balance. She begs money from Twitter followers, spends hundreds on gaming and will run her finances into the ground. It’s like a train wreck in slow motion and eventually she will hit a wall. I won’t enable her. She can learn and if her dad gets fed up she will have to figure it out herself. I feel for parents who are victims of kids stealing from them. So many kids feel entitled to things they don’t want to work for. Many need the hard lessons of life.
Hi Tess,
I read your comment and well I wanted to tell you that if you need any advice don’t hesitate to reach out to me via email. I actually work for a college financial aid office. And just wanted to share that something similar happen with my son when he stopped living with me, (regarding his financial aid money)
These stories sound so familiar. Like what I’m going through. But I’m afraid for my safety now. And feel as though I am only making things worse by telling him to leave. Only it’s not just him. His girlfriend lives here to. She is innocent in all this.
On a regular almost daily basis he picks fights and has to be right. We walk on eggshells constantly. He belittles me and calls me names and says a lot of negative stuff I. General. It then he will get high and he is the nicest person in the world. Apologizes and assumes all will be well. I have had enough. My mental heath is at risk and so is his girlfriends. I’ve been thinking abut for a long time and was scared. But that’s enough.
He’s 19 and stressed and depressed and threatens to kill himself at least 2-3 a week and blames God for hating him.
He does drugs but nothing hardcore that I’m aware of. Just pot mostly. But when he isn’t high he is so angry and violent and down right mean. Like he is deliberately wanting to fight. He is a tough kid and extremely strong physically. He has trouble with jobs. Quits when he feels disrespected usually a month or so in. But it’s not them disrespecting him it’s him not being responsible at work then feeling picked on by his peers. It’s hard to watch because then he is broke and I have to come to the rescue. My fault I know. But I’m afraid if I don’t than things will get worse. And when I can’t then do get worse. I’ve tried to get him help and he’s asked for it but when it comes time to go he bails.
And now that he is 19 mom can’t call for him anymore. He must because he is an adult.
This is new and very recent and now
I am afraid that if he gets violent again or tries to get in or break in I may have to get the police involved. And with that i may lose him forever.
This is just an awful situation. I suggest calling a Domestic Violence hotline. You are certainly in a domestic violence situation, as is the girlfriend. Help yourself and her. So sorry to hear this. But truly, good luck and be safe.
You sound like my father, constantly listing other people’s shortcomings in a never ending search for sympathy and self-validation. My father cheated on my mother with one of his employees and had a mental breakdown when he got caught. In his insanity he started doing really bizarre shit like making lists about us for his shrink and leaving them around the house. He claimed multiple suicide attempts when trying to get my mother back, but was still dating and living with the employee.
I tried living with them when I was 18-23 and the mistress routinely levied complaints against me about the pot, yet she supported him being addicted to alcohol and xanax. When I was 23 I joined the army to get away from them and saw what good leaders and bad leaders truly look like. I also put myself through college using my GI Bill and some loans, but still struggled to find my place in the private sector. My father will always treat me like an ungrateful failure while claiming to love me at the same time.
He put nothing into my development or growth, yet always expected results and/or only pops up when it is convenient to pose for a picture. The only example he set for me was how to watch a man repeatedly cave, all he ever cared about was holding onto his assets through the divorce and now he has 2 homes worth half a mil each and two sons who have experienced homelessness.
My father is the polar opposite of everything the military taught me about leadership and accountability. The older I got, the more I realized he is just a sheltered man with a big ego who sought to get rid of me because he was too selfish to admit his own shortcomings as a father. I hope you are not like him.
I used to call the police and the police would blame me for “allowing” my son to abuse me physically and verbally. The officer said I deserve abuse for not “kicking” my son out of the house. I got tired of being blamed for not going against my nature and sending a depressed sick child out on the street. 3 months ago my son called the police on me claiming I had stabbed him in the leg, which was no worse than the many nicks I have obtained while shaving my legs. I am 61 years old, 115 pounds; yet, the police took me to jail for felony assault carrying a 5 year prison sentence for assaulting a 6 ft, 26 year old 175 pound man. Four days later, when I returned home, my son told me he had self-inflicted the wound to get me thrown in prison. I called the police to report what my son said so I had something on file to help my court case. The police, again blamed me for his abuse and never filed the report. The court case was dismissed; but one week later, my son while intoxicated again, called police claiming I was attempting suicide and I was dragged into the ambulance after the police told me to stop blaming my son and allowing him to abuse me. The ambulance attendant finished by saying I was manipulative and deserved to be abused; all to an elder woman that they were taking to the hospital for allegedly attempting suicide. What happened is that I had simply locked myself in the bathroom, stuck my fingers in my ears and sang la, la, la so I couldn’t hear his humiliating name calling. I was released after waiting 5 hours under police guard in a padded room somewhere in ER. The doctor and his nurse remembered me bringing my son in multiple times for overdosing and I was quickly released to fend for myself in getting home. When I got home my son had taken all the coins out of my piggy banks. Needless to say, I will never call the police again; and if my son calls them, I know I’m not going to be home again for awhile. A wife is abused by her husband and the husband goes to jail. A father abuses his son and the father goes to jail. But a son abuses his mother and she is blamed and goes to jail. Go figure?