When you look into your newborn’s eyes, the instinct to love, nurture, and protect this life in your arms is the most natural and powerful thing in the world. I never had any doubt that I would be the type of mom who would always provide a home for my children. But how wrong I was.
There came a time in my life when I had to tell my child that she could no longer live under my roof—a moment that was antithetical to all that it means to be a mother.
The shift started when my oldest daughter, Mary*, started showing signs of depression and anxiety in her junior year in high school. I’ve always been open with her about my mental health issues and struggles—and how I was actively fighting them, preparing her for a time when she might be diagnosed as well.
When that time came, she at first resisted going on medication and participating in therapy. Eventually, we found an antidepressant that stabilized her enough to get by—to finish high school and move on to college. But there was little joy in her life. Her goal was to get through school so she could get a job and make enough money to be on her own.
Read More: How Do You Let Go of Your Dreams for Your Grown Child?
When the Struggle Got Real
At 19, she found a way to get high. It wasn’t through drugs or alcohol. She began dating for the first time, and the endorphins that come with new relationships, sex, validation, and feelings of love had a huge impact.
Just like a drug, her relationship enabled her to make destructive choices. Her grades dropped. She skipped classes and work. She totaled her car and abused mine. She lied and left for days at a time to be with her boyfriend. She shirked her responsibilities, like dropping off her younger sister at school.
We struggled for months about this relationship. I saw her spiraling toward a huge fall, similar to when I was her age. In my case, I married her father when pregnant with her and then became a single parent by the time I was 21. I was so afraid of what her bottoming out would be. Watching her struggle was hurting me, triggering my depression and anxiety.
The Day That Changed Everything
Things came to a head while I was on a business trip. She had called out to work and taken my car without permission to stay with her boyfriend. Her sister needed help at school while she was 60 miles away, and Mary blew her off. Then she lied to me about the whole situation. When I got home, I was livid. After hours of fighting and yelling, I told her she had to leave.
When I faced what I had done, I felt like an utter failure, both as a parent and a daughter. My family would never turn its back on anyone, let alone one of their own. I was ashamed of my anger and weakness. But what was worse was that I felt relieved as well. I didn’t realize how much this worry over Mary had been affecting me. Once she was gone, I felt calmer. I didn’t know how to reconcile this relief, because what kind of mother feels better when their child is away from them? It turns out, I’m not alone.
When a Parent Has to Say “No More”
Susan Toth faced a similar struggle with her daughter Shannon. When the girl turned 17, things got dark—fights, stolen property, and an abundance of lies. A few years down the road, Shannon asked if a friend could move in; Toth and her husband agreed, still hoping to salvage a relationship with their child. But when the houseguest became disruptive and even damaged some property, they asked her to leave. Shannon, then 22, refused to leave her friend’s side. Pushed to their limit, Susan and her husband told Shannon she would have to go as well.
Toth said she felt both relief and worry once Shannon had gone.
“I knew Shannon wasn’t ready to be on her own yet, mostly due to her lack of financial responsibility,” she says. “I was worried about where she would stay and with whom. But our home became much more peaceful. There had been constant fighting in our house, and not just between me and Shannon. Her antics would cause fights between me, my husband, and our other two children.”
Still, Susan says the relationship with her daughter is still a work in progress. Shannon still asks for money often, which causes fights between Toth and her husband. “I find it difficult to understand how she has turned out so completely opposite of what I wanted for her,” says Susan.
Amanda Watson, too, struggles with having to let go of her oldest son, Patrick, 23. Having started to do drugs in his mid-teens, Patrick became addicted, which led to years of anguish: felony charges, jail time, rehab, and psychiatric care. Amanda’s own emotional struggles worsened with the worry over her son, who would come home high, disappear for days or weeks, threaten suicide, break into their home, steal from them, and become violent. He even tried to kill his stepfather.
Three years ago, Amanda and her husband—at their wits’ end—changed the locks, put up security cameras, and barred him from the home.
“I was mentally drained by the time this happened,” Amanda says. “I was sad, but a large part of me was relieved. I missed him, yet I felt better when he wasn’t around.” Her son has now been clean for several months and is being allowed to live at home.
Sometimes Separation Is the Smartest Strategy
Toth and Watson’s stories help me realize that I did what was best, not only for Mary, but for myself. It is a hard lesson to learn, but one that is essential for mothers of self-destructive adult children, says Dr. Dana Dorfman, host of the 2 Moms on the Couch podcast and a psychotherapist who specializes in family therapy and life transitions.
“Personal sacrifice seems to be an inherent part of parenting; putting your own needs aside for those of your children,” she says. “However, when parents’ emotional or physical health is jeopardized, they are no longer able to be helpful to their children. This is a painful, yet essential delineation of boundaries that conveys several important messages to the adult child, such as ‘I love you, but I am separate from you. As a separate person, I must maintain my self-respect and dignity. I will not allow another to abuse me. This is not okay.'”
As Dorfman says, this goes against our instincts to sacrifice our own well-being for our children. But there are ways to reframe our approaches to these situations that can make doing so easier. Amy Schafer, a licensed professional counselor and co-founder of Compass Counseling & Wellness, says that telling an adult child to leave the family home can actually enable them to move forward with their life in a healthier way.
“We can look at asking them to leave as something that is necessary for them,” Shafer says. “It trains them to value boundaries, expectations and self-care, which is difficult to teach, but without which can lead to generational enabling issues.”
Two big cautions:
Both Shafer and Dorfman say not let your own anger, hurt, or grief take control of you in the moment. This can lead to damaging words, such as name calling or saying things you don’t mean, which may cause lasting damage to a relationship. It’s best to communicate with the child that you need to step back and address the issue again once you’re calmer and thinking more rationally.
Don’t threaten to withdraw support and then not act. “Infinite ‘final chances’ only lessen the parents’ ability to follow through,” Shafer says. “This further lessens the child’s ability to see the cause and effect of their actions.” It took me a while to actually act on my threats. There was one incident that led to a warning, then a second one, after which I told her she wouldn’t be allowed to live with me anymore if she continued to see her boyfriend and not follow the house rules. When the third incident happened, I followed through.
Read More: A Mother’s Pain When Her Grown Daughters Don’t Get Along
A New Relationship Takes Root
A year has passed since that day. We didn’t speak for several months, but I kept tabs on Mary through her friends. She got emergency housing at the university she was attending, and at the end of the semester, we began talking again.
I recently helped her move into her first rental. She is standing on her own two feet, working full time, and taking on adult responsibilities. Though she isn’t sure where she will be in a few years, for now, she is happy and stable. Much more so than she was living with me.
We needed distance. She needed independence. And though the way we parted was regrettable, our relationship is better for having made these hard decisions. We talk often. She is starting to feel comfortable enough to start addressing some of her issues, which is a huge step forward.
I’ve gone through a lot of changes, too. I’ve re-focused on being a full-time mother to one child and on the sidelines for the other. The decreased stress and realization that in a few more years I will have an empty nest has opened up new ways of thinking. New possibilities for my future. Simply put, I’m happier.
I know now that no matter where I go or what I do, I’ve given my kids the tools they need to make their way in the world. I’ll always be there to support them. But I have to do the same for myself, too. And that, I’ve learned, is okay.
*This name has been changed to protect privacy
A version of this story was published in April 2019.
Mandy says
Such a refreshing article, I really enjoyed it. When you as a parent are being abused and used, its time to say goodbye and let them stand on their own two feet. Maybe they’ll learn. I find it really awful to read what parents put up with from their young adult “children”. It seems to me they (the parents) are often just complete doormats. If you can really communicate and give your teenagers some freedoms with some minimum expectations they maintain, great. But if they are abusive and regularly in trouble, I really believe nothing good can come from them living at home. Sad but true.
Natasha says
I have a daughter, 20 years old. She is in her third year of college. Even thought she is a good student, I am ready to kick her out from the house but I want to make sure if I am doing the right thing or maybe not. She was a great caring girl until she turned 17. She started having emotional issues and making her self as a victim and blaming me for everything that is happening in her life. She started manipulating me, naming me the bad words, etc. The room became a total disaster, piles of clean and dirty cloth everywhere, dirty socks on the desk, dirty stinky dishes are laying on the floor. The smell in the room is totally disgusting. Even if I come into the room, I will hear immediate response “get out from my room”. She doesn’t vaccum, doesn’t wash a single plate, very rude and totally disrespectful. She is using my car. Well, not anymore after I needed a car at the same time as she . She was yelling that she doesn’t care if I need to go anywhere and she will take a car no matter what. On mother’s day she was making cards for others. On her birthday, I bought her flowers and by giving her the flowers she kicked me out from the room. Please please help me. My eyes can’t stop from crying. Please.
Jeannie Ralston says
I am so sorry Natasha. Is her father involved in her life? Do you have access to a family therapist? I think you need outside help. It’s so much for one person to bear. Please let us know if you’re able to make any progress. Wishing you all the best.
Sandra says
Two days ago, I told our son to leave. I agree with the article that it is a heart-wrenching experience. He is our only, our baby, and we have raised him to the best of our ability – teaching him about respect and honor, and important religious values as Catholics. We have always expressed how much he means to us and that we love him, although my husband is from a different culture that our son knows does not express these feelings so directly. We have rewarded him for good behavior and have tried not to judge. Yes, I have nagged. Mainly about school. He’s in the middle of a repeat semester at a community college, because he didn’t put in the required effort last semester–messing around, procrastinating…. He lost his savings from that. He just barely graduated from hs, not because of a lack of smarts, but lack of effort and motivation, and due to distractions. Doing the same thing again this semester and he has 2 wks left, with lenience for the online learning, but still has to study and turn in assignments.
We have given consequences that we could when our son did inappropriate things such as lying, not coming home on time, not doing homework, getting in other sorts of trouble. He’s had some diversion and counseling. However, it’s been two years since he’s been off the rails, skirting around with friends vaping, coming home 5-10 hours later than agreed, not using his car appropriately, lying about how he spends his money and where he was. [I guess you can see that many of us who comment are also struggling at home and need advice!] He can be very respectful, but this situation has worsened, and nothing to do with the pandemic. In the last few years, we can count a handful of times that he got up on his own–we have had to wake him for school and his p/t job. The phone….nothing we can do about that. He’s too old and the password. I tried taking it away–bad idea. My husband and child have never been violent. I’m just so tired of the lying, deception, and his terrible decisions. Okay. He may have experienced some trauma when younger when his father had an alcohol problem (at least he remembers the time, and has said he’d never go in that direction because of what he saw). My husband quit about 6 years ago and is a responsible, caring person. He would give our son a bit of pocket money too each time he did good deeds. He’s completely fed up now.
Our son’s a chronic asthmatic and has been vaping and we’ve also found him smoking mj. Something had to give. When I gave him my card the other day to shop for food nearby bc I was ill, and come right back, instead he went and used my card w/friends to buy vape material and came home 5 hours later. I just got fed up. My husband supports me (he was at work when this happened). It’s your child, and it’s easy to question yourself and feel so alone wondering if it was the right decision. I think he went to stay with friends but no idea. He’s not contacted us in almost 3 days. I hope he is okay. I worry. I miss him. I don’t miss the rest. He’s never done anything on his own. Can’t cook, doesn’t know how to fix things. At 18, not the most mature. Worldly and well read (we have traveled everywhere and lived overseas). I didn’t know what else to do. I’m speechless that he would choose to do bad instead of good. He has a bright future. The pandemic is terrible, but it was like the will of God, giving him a chance to stay at home and focus, get his work done, and get good grades. He says he cares, but in his heart he doesn’t–I guess. I hope he’s not suffering somewhere. He only took a small backpack. He has friends. I don’t know their numbers. They are in the Latino community. I think some of them are a bad influence (nothing to do with that though); I wonder what their parents are thinking if he is there, having a stranger in the house during this time. I know our son would not have gone to a shelter. There are services, but he would have never sought them out.
Thanks for any advice for someone who is an older parent who has given their child way too many chances to do the right thing…..
Allison says
Sandra, my soul knows your pain. We are about a month behind you.
My son will turn 18 in July and we are planning for him to move out.
The current economy, pandemic, social unrest is terrible and I pray for both our sons.
Mel says
These stories sound so familiar. Like what I’m going through. But I’m afraid for my safety now. And feel as though I am only making things worse by telling him to leave. Only it’s not just him. His girlfriend lives here to. She is innocent in all this.
On a regular almost daily basis he picks fights and has to be right. We walk on eggshells constantly. He belittles me and calls me names and says a lot of negative stuff I. General. It then he will get high and he is the nicest person in the world. Apologizes and assumes all will be well. I have had enough. My mental heath is at risk and so is his girlfriends. I’ve been thinking abut for a long time and was scared. But that’s enough.
He’s 19 and stressed and depressed and threatens to kill himself at least 2-3 a week and blames God for hating him.
He does drugs but nothing hardcore that I’m aware of. Just pot mostly. But when he isn’t high he is so angry and violent and down right mean. Like he is deliberately wanting to fight. He is a tough kid and extremely strong physically. He has trouble with jobs. Quits when he feels disrespected usually a month or so in. But it’s not them disrespecting him it’s him not being responsible at work then feeling picked on by his peers. It’s hard to watch because then he is broke and I have to come to the rescue. My fault I know. But I’m afraid if I don’t than things will get worse. And when I can’t then do get worse. I’ve tried to get him help and he’s asked for it but when it comes time to go he bails.
And now that he is 19 mom can’t call for him anymore. He must because he is an adult.
This is new and very recent and now
I am afraid that if he gets violent again or tries to get in or break in I may have to get the police involved. And with that i may lose him forever.
Jeannie Ralston says
This is just an awful situation. I suggest calling a Domestic Violence hotline. You are certainly in a domestic violence situation, as is the girlfriend. Help yourself and her. So sorry to hear this. But truly, good luck and be safe.
S says
You sound like my father, constantly listing other people’s shortcomings in a never ending search for sympathy and self-validation. My father cheated on my mother with one of his employees and had a mental breakdown when he got caught. In his insanity he started doing really bizarre shit like making lists about us for his shrink and leaving them around the house. He claimed multiple suicide attempts when trying to get my mother back, but was still dating and living with the employee.
I tried living with them when I was 18-23 and the mistress routinely levied complaints against me about the pot, yet she supported him being addicted to alcohol and xanax. When I was 23 I joined the army to get away from them and saw what good leaders and bad leaders truly look like. I also put myself through college using my GI Bill and some loans, but still struggled to find my place in the private sector. My father will always treat me like an ungrateful failure while claiming to love me at the same time.
He put nothing into my development or growth, yet always expected results and/or only pops up when it is convenient to pose for a picture. The only example he set for me was how to watch a man repeatedly cave, all he ever cared about was holding onto his assets through the divorce and now he has 2 homes worth half a mil each and two sons who have experienced homelessness.
My father is the polar opposite of everything the military taught me about leadership and accountability. The older I got, the more I realized he is just a sheltered man with a big ego who sought to get rid of me because he was too selfish to admit his own shortcomings as a father. I hope you are not like him.