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midlife identity crisis

by · Beauty

When What You See in the Mirror Doesn’t Match How You Feel Inside

Most every woman has a bit of an identity crisis when she realizes her looks don't synch with her self-perception. Lisa Marsh explains how to handle it with grace and moxie.

My intense self-examination (maybe over examination) started innocently. I was adjusting my bike for a FlyWheel spin class and the instructor asked if I had signed up for the leaderboard—where the statistics of how you’re doing in class are projected on to a Jumbotron-sized screen a couple of times during class (aka, public shaming).

Was I becoming that woman? You know, the one who dresses and acts inappropriately for her age?

“Yes,” I answered, “I’m BlondeBomb.”

“That’s cute,” he cooed, and of course we know that when someone—especially a man—calls something “cute,” that’s often not a compliment. “Is that something your kids call you?”

I was dumbstruck. How could he not see that my blonde-hair-big-boobs-hourglass figure would give me the blonde bombshell moniker? And then the thought crossed my mind: He’s seeing me as a woman of a certain age—a little soft around the edges—who still spins. Nothing more, nothing less.

And I wish I could say this was only time something like this happened, but there have been other incidents.

What was happening? Was the identity I’d so carefully honed over the years now wrong? Were my outsides not matching my insides?

I wondered if I was delusional, suffering from some sort of body dysmorphia disorder brought on by being middle-aged? Was I becoming that woman? You know, the one who embarrasses her friends and family by dressing and acting inappropriately for a woman of a certain age?

Thankfully, I found some comfort in the fact that I’m not alone with these shocking little moments and the identity crisis afterwards.

Read More: The Challenge of Maintaining Good Body Image as We Age

Not Being Noticed

Angela, a gorgeous, 50-something trainer, reports that getting help at Home Depot used to be a breeze. Now, she could blow in on a hurricane and still be ignored.

“When I was in my 20s, I went in to buy a ladder,” she shared. “When I got to the parking lot, at least six men were knocking themselves out to help me tie it to my car. There was an older man watching who cracked, ‘I guess you have to wear a short skirt to get some service.’”

But today, “I can be dragging a 90-pound bag of rock salt around the store and no one will look at me,” she says, no matter how short her skirt is.

I still think I am the girl who can turn heads, but I’m really an old broad.

Anne Bratskeir, a youthful and chic-as-hell 60-something woman, says her mojo is not quite as effective as it used to be. “I’ve always been the tall, thin woman who could walk into a bar and someone would look at me,” she explained. “I still think I am the girl who can turn heads, but I’m really an old broad.”

But an “old broad” in a new (better) sense of the phrase. “I take care of myself—I exercise and may be in better shape now than when I was younger.” And, she added, “I cover my gray, and when I get my hair styled, I ask for more Patti Smith, less suburban lady.” Laughing, she clarified, “Actually, I ask for my hair to be more rock-and-roll, because I don’t think my stylist knows who Patti Smith is.”

Midlife Identity Crisis: Can You Morph Your Mindset?

The game changer for Bratskeir is that she is less likely to accept these slights. If the bartender treats her as if she’s invisible, she speaks up. Rather than relying on her appearance to open doors, start a conversation, or get attention, she goes after it if necessary—in the most charming way possible. “I am still ‘that girl,’” she says, explaining why she won’t fade into the background.

In I Feel Pretty, Amy Schumer’s recent film, her character goes from being a woman with insecurities to one who knows she can hold her own next to any woman, supermodel, or otherwise gorgeous creature after suffering a bump on the head. The thing is, she doesn’t look any different—her perception of how others see her is altered by how she sees herself. And while this example is slightly different than women who are aging, the message is the same—it’s in our heads…to a degree.

There’s a fine line between aging well, with style, and trying too hard.

Our bodies, faces, and outward personas change with time and, yes, with age. While we still believe we are the bombshell, the rock-and-roll babe, the vital young woman, and more, we may have to sell it harder and even find a new baseline for what makes us, well, us. In my case, I vacillate between thinking that if they don’t recognize my coolness, they’re not worthy of my time—or working even harder to make sure my outside persona matches what I feel like inside. Going with the latter, though, I run the risk of becoming a caricature of my former self. There’s a fine line between aging well, with style, and trying too hard.

The Confidence Game

midlife identity crisis

Ellen Barkin knows how to work it.

Years ago, I interviewed the actress Ellen Barkin and one of the things she shared has stuck with me. In her 50s at the time, she said she was not giving up her bikini, ever. She was a bikini-wearing woman, no matter what. And, furthermore, she said she thought that women in general should not give up their bikinis, no matter what their age.

She was a bikini-wearing woman, no matter what.

Her belief in herself had nothing to do with her body or her beauty—it was all about her attitude and her confidence. Schumer, Bratskeir, and Barkin have it right—you need to own your persona, no matter what others see.

As for this (former) bombshell, I’m off to make sure my red lipstick is in place and to practice my best swivel and shake, which I will own. In my mind, I will always be that girl. And you’re the one missing out if you cannot see it.

Read More: The Maintenance Divide: The Unattractive Clash Over How Much Help We Get With Our Looks

***

Lisa Marsh loves writing about real women, living real lives, no matter what their age. She is the author of four books, is a dedicated dancer and FlyWheel spinner, and the mother of two in New York City. Find her @LisaMarshWriter across platforms. 

A version of this story was originally published in May 2018.

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Comments

  5. Jenni Guentcheva says

    Now we are going to learn how to exude confidence as we age. Actually, each one of us is an expert in our own development, we don’t need a product or a program to feel better. It only validates the harmful stereotypes.

    Reply

  6. Leah Gladson says

    When you have a body that resembles a middle aged woman since the age of 12……no matter how hard you tried……..you never get that kind of attention to begin with.

    Reply

  7. Peg Cook says

    I suppose it would be too much to ask for the author to try and unpack the patriarchal structures that (still) insist that a woman’s only value is in her ability to attract the sexual attention of men.

    Reply

    • Lisa Marsh says

      The value I place on my appearance comes from how I want to present myself and be seen by anyone, not just men. I wear red lipstick because I feel “dressed” with it, as did my grandmother, who taught me what it means to be presentable in public. Men usually aren’t the vicious ones commenting on women’s appearances. Thank you for reading.

      Reply

  9. Gayle Gorlewski says

    I freaking love it! Are you nuts! Sexual attention from random strangers was never something I enjoyed. It was at times pretty scary, especially the dudes that yell shit from moving vehicles. Keeping the grey, I will use blue shampoo to keep the sun from turning it blonde!!! Old bats rule!

    Reply

  10. Nancy Guzzetta says

    I’m 60 and the maintenance guy just retiled my bathroom, which I needed, and hes coming back tomorrow to paint my apt, which needed it but I hadn’t asked for. I’m still good!!

    Reply

  12. Sheila McKenna Dunbar says

    I’ve always believed it is harder for beautiful people to age and lose their sexual attractiveness. For those of us “average” women, we focused on other, more interesting and fulfilling things decades ago. FYI – this average gal never lacked for male attention, and my husband of 30+ years still thinks my ass is remarkable!

    Reply

  14. Debra Plowman Junk says

    I got very very sick and almost died at the age of 57. Then 8 months later got a painful case of the shingles. I am starting a new terrific, always wanted position this fall. I have never appreciated my health more than now. Health is the key to happiness. So if I am a bit overweight, a bit gray, and a bit wrinkled that does not matter at all!

    Reply

  17. Paula B says

    This is a pretty good article, and I think that many women have shared the experience of realizing that they’ve faded a bit, and the spotlight is shining on other, younger women. Personally, I’m ok with that. I’ve never been truly beautiful, which is freeing in a way. Attractive maybe, but never the flame that drew the moths. It made me feel somewhat less affected to find my youth fading because I’ve spent my life having experiences. That gives me something to talk about besides facelifts and aging! My bone to pick is the statement that “There’s a fine line between aging well, with style, and trying too hard”. I’ve heard this before, and it implies that there’s a right way and a wrong way to age, to BE. When will women be free of society’s punishing expectations and judgements? We can be so hard on each other!

    Reply

    • Jeannie Ralston says

      Good point. You’ve made us look at that line differently; it certainly wasn’t intended to imply that one way is right and one way is wrong. More like encouragement to see that you don’t have to try hard to hold on to youth because there are so many more ways to quantify someone’s significance–beyond looks.

      Reply

  20. Helen Soboski Fortino says

    I was the type that got attention when I was young….I remember quite a few years ago Lauren Hutton remarking that she became a certain age and became (for her standards) invisible….I now know what she means…however that doesn’t stop me from still being as cool as ever

    Reply

    • Natalie Trudeau says

      Agreed! Self love and acceptance is where we find peace and happiness, not from external validation on something so temporary as “good looks” or an hourglass figure.

      Reply

  26. Debra W. Strange says

    I have at the age of 60+ worked to be in the best shape of my life and dress to suit that. I’m having to beat them off with a stick I swear. So much for invisibility. I’m no great beauty, but I am way more confident than I ever was

    Reply

  27. Emily Mcmanaway says

    It always comes back to how you feel about yourself, inwardly, viscerally, not necessarily how you appear to men. In my opinion at 64 is if you feel lousy about your looks that lousy feeling will broadcast loudly!

    Reply

  31. Deb Brunelle Charron says

    I went thru this phase years ago, noticing that guys did not want to make eye contact, weren’t as friendly as when I was younger. Oh well, it did not sit well with me but you adjust. Another stage in my life and I am proud to have made it this far(61)I am a mother, grandmother, and still love to shake my booty!

    Reply

  33. June Feinstein Michaels says

    I was always physically very ugly so l never “lost” anything. Instead, l’ve always nurtured my inner qualities. With age has come the realization that physical ugliness, at least for a woman, acts as a wonderful screening tool. I don’t have many friends but the ones l do have value me for ME

    Reply

  35. Facebook Comment says

    I read the whole article. It was a little sad and off the mark for me. Because my agency always came from my mind and my actions, that only got better as I got older. And I STARTED wearing bikinis at 52.

    Reply

  36. Jackie Bye Bladl says

    Great read. I can totally relate to the author. I started noticing that feeling of being “invisible” a few years ago. I still like looking stylish and well put together. That will not change. I hope I never need the approval of others to just be myself
    .

    Reply

  40. Lisa Bell says

    When I was a little girl my Grandmother would come and stay sometimes. Her name was Josephine. She came from Sicily. She was very tiny and round and had long silver hair. She would braid it and twist it up on top of her head in a bun.
    At night she would take it down and let me brush it. It was beautiful. Then she would put it back in a braid for bed.
    I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Silver hair, age spots, wrinkles and all. I thought she was beautiful. I got angry when I passed her height of 4’ 11” but I still wanted to be just like her.
    One day, someone told her to cut her hair because she looked like a hippie. She cut it all off.
    And so,I decided, that when I got older, I would let my hair grow long and wear it in a braid or pile it up on top of my head and I would let the gray come in, in all of its glory, because I knew that every gray hair was earned.
    To me, wrinkles are a record of my life… every smile, kiss, laugh, tear… all engrained into my very being, and I wouldn’t erase any of it. It is, because I am.
    I try to embrace every new stage of life like I did when I was young, full of excitement, and willing to let the story of my life unfold.
    Once, when I was in my 30s, a friend asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said, “An eccentric old woman.” And he assured me that I was well on my way.
    Life is beautiful at all stages. Embrace it.

    Reply

  41. Regina Argentin says

    I just read this article how sad. So glad I don’t relate to this and I am in that age group. Perhaps a better approach would have been not to establish a limiting belief then giving these depressing examples (and I think the term is midlife crisis) but begin on a positive note of what women are up to in this age group like making a difference as opposed to being concerned about getting hit on or hairdressing bullshit.

    Reply

  43. Facebook Comment says

    I never was a “bombshell” or at least I didn’t feel like one. As a widow at 50, and trying to re-enter the world of dating is formidable enough. I guess they are just gonna have to be attracted to my short, round sassy,funny warrior self !!

    Reply

  47. Jennifer Jackson Guscott says

    I’m very comfortable w my aging process. I’m the mother of a 25 year old and am often mistaken for her friend or sister. I love being the age I am. I garner the attention of men of all ages and races and I’m very grateful to b aging so gracefully

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      Please read the whole article. The point is this: “you need to own your persona, no matter what others see.” We don’t think that’s sexist and superficial.

      Reply

    • Toril Øien says

      The premise for the article is that ALL women at some point lose their physical attractiveness and become invisible, and the “problem” we supposedly need to solve is how to handle this experience.
      This is sexist and superficial and demeaning to women.

      Reply

    • Katherine Gardos says

      Toril Øien I don’t think the article said it was a problem that needed to be solved. In fact I think the point of the article was just the opposite. I relate to this article and I am a feminist working in a majority male industry. I find it sad that often today people can’t write about their feelings without being judged in the light of hyper critical hyper PC opinions of others. I think the pendulum has swung way too far in one direction and I wish it would settle in the middle so not everything is judged as sexist and demeaning to women. I find that attitude unhelpful to women gaining true equality.

      Reply

  54. Teresa Crosson says

    Not just women… unfortunately it hits our “spouses” as well somewhere between 45 and 60. Affairs, mid-life crisis, wanting to feel young and free instead of encumbered and burdened with life and six kids, lol. The other younger more care free interests generally have a huge cost.

    Reply

  56. Facebook Comment says

    I like the way I look and feel at 50 so much more than I did at 25. I am more comfortable in my own skin, and I honestly think I look better! My theory is that I was burn to be a middle aged woman, and I’m finally home!

    Reply

  58. Kathleen O'Neill Sims says

    Shut up! Your articles are part of the problem. You focus on loss and what we give up to a false set of ideals. Bs. I will not go gently into that dark night. I’m fucking here. I don’t live my life in front of a mirror.

    Reply

    • NextTribe says

      We agree that you shouldn’t go gently. That’s what we’re all about. And we agree don’t live in front of a mirror. We have a whole list of 6 daily habits of women who are aging boldly, and one of them is “Stay away from the Mirror.”

      Reply

    • Teresa Crosson says

      I’m fighting kicking and screaming as well…..but it is disheartening at times…..then I pull up my big girl thong, shake out the wrinkles in my 56 year old skin and get out there and get that….whatever it is that feels young and free.

      Reply

  61. Angela Lord says

    If, for some reason, I find myself temporarily buying into the idea that my value is tied to how attractive I am to men, I simply say my mantra ….Fuck That Shit.

    Reply

  63. Lara Morris Starr says

    Not every woman. I was very overweight my entire life until my early 40s. I was never the hot, young babe. I have never looked or felt better right here, right now on the edge of 50.

    I don’t feel ignored at all. Maybe because I’ve never been fawned over for my youth or beauty, but I don’t feel the lack of attention from servers, clerks, etc and plenty of men hold doors for me.

    Reply

  66. Lisa Cole says

    Yes, I am there. Getting here was not easy. Many scars. Every thought is etched in my face. I focus on being like a child again.
    Creativity, movement, reading and learning something new.

    Reply

  72. Greta Witcher says

    I began collecting role models for aging: Helen Mirren – actress 72, Ernestine Shepard- body builder 81, Carmen Dell Orefice – model 86, Gloria Struck – biker 92, Eileen Kramer – choreographer 103. Decided to age like a badass.

    Reply

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