This is part of our series of articles about beauty—how we achieve it and redefine it as we get older.
It started innocently. I was adjusting my bike for a FlyWheel spin class and the instructor asked if I had signed up for the leaderboard — the stats of how you’re doing in class that are projected on to a Jumbotron a couple of times during class (aka, public shaming).
How could he not see that my blonde hair-big boobs-hourglass figure would give me the blonde bombshell moniker?
“Yes,” I answered, “I’m BlondeBomb.”
“That’s cute,” he cooed. “Is that something your kids call you?”
I was dumbstruck. How could he not see that my blonde hair-big boobs-hourglass figure would give me the blonde bombshell moniker? And then the thought crossed my mind: He’s seeing me as a woman of a certain age—a little soft around the edges—who still spins. Nothing more, nothing less.
And I wish I could say this was only time something like this happened, but there have been other incidents.
What was happening? Was the identity I’d so carefully honed over the years now wrong? We’re my outsides not matching my insides?
Was I becoming that woman? You know, the one who dresses and acts inappropriately for her age?
I wondered if I was delusional, suffering from some sort of body dysmorphia disorder brought on by being middle-aged? Was I becoming that woman? You know, the one who embarrasses her friends and family by dressing and acting inappropriately for a woman of a certain age?
Thankfully, I found some comfort in the fact that I’m not alone with these shocking little moments and the identity crisis afterwards.
Not Being Noticed
Angela, a gorgeous, 50-something trainer, reports that getting help at Home Depot used to be a breeze. Now, she could blow in on a hurricane and still be ignored.
“When I was in my 20s, I went in to buy a ladder,” she shared. “When I got to the parking lot, at least six men were knocking themselves out to help me tie it to my car. There was an older man watching who cracked, ‘I guess you have to wear a short skirt to get some service.’”
But today, “I can be dragging a 90-pound bag of rock salt around the store and no one will look at me,” she says, no matter how short her skirt is.
‘I still think I am the girl who can turn heads, but I’m really an old broad.’
Anne Bratskeir, a youthful and chic-as-hell 60-something woman, says her mojo is not quite as effective as it used to be. “I’ve always been the tall, thin woman who could walk into a bar and someone would look at me,” she explained. “I still think I am the girl who can turn heads, but I’m really an old broad.”
But an “old broad” in a new (better) sense of the phrase. “I take care of myself—I exercise and may be in better shape now than when I was younger.” And, she added, “I cover my gray, and when I get my hair styled, I ask for more Patti Smith, less suburban lady.” Laughing, she clarified, “Actually, I ask for my hair to be more rock-and-roll, because I don’t think my stylist knows who Patti Smith is.”
Midlife Identity Crisis: Can You Morph Your Mindset?
The game changer for Bratskeir is that she is less likely to accept these slights. If the bartender treats her as if she’s invisible, she speaks up. Rather than relying on her appearance to open doors, start a conversation, or get attention, she goes after it if necessary—in the most charming way possible. “I am still ‘that girl,’” she says, explaining why she won’t fade into the background.
In I Feel Pretty, Amy Schumer’s most recent film, her character goes from being a woman with insecurities to one who knows she can hold her own next to any woman, supermodel, or otherwise gorgeous creature after suffering a bump on the head. The thing is, she doesn’t look any different—her perception of how others see her is altered by how she sees herself. And while this example is slightly different than women who are aging, the message is the same—it’s in our heads…to a degree.
There’s a fine line between aging well, with style, and trying too hard.
Our bodies, faces, and outward personas change with time and, yes, with age. While we still believe we are the bombshell, the rock-and-roll babe, the vital young woman, and more, we may have to sell it harder and even find a new baseline for what makes us, well, us. In my case, I vacillate between thinking that if they don’t recognize my coolness, they’re not worthy of my time—or working even harder to make sure my outside persona matches what I feel like inside. Going with the latter, though, I run the risk of becoming a caricature of my former self. There’s a fine line between aging well, with style, and trying too hard.
The Confidence Game
Ellen Barkin working the red carpet like only she can.
Years ago, I interviewed the actress Ellen Barkin and one of the things she shared has stuck with me. In her 50s at the time, she said she was not giving up her bikini, ever. She was a bikini-wearing woman, no matter what. And, furthermore, she said she thought that women in general should not give up their bikinis, no matter what their age.
In my mind, I will always be that girl. And you’re the one missing out if you cannot see it.
Her belief in herself had nothing to do with her body or her beauty—it was all about her attitude and her confidence. Schumer, Bratskeir, and Barkin have it right—you need to own your persona, no matter what others see.
As for this (former) bombshell, I’m off to make sure my red lipstick is in place and to practice my best swivel and shake, which I will own. In my mind, I will always be that girl. And you’re the one missing out if you cannot see it.
***
Lisa Marsh loves writing about real women, living real lives, no matter what their age. She is the author of four books, is a dedicated dancer and FlyWheel spinner and the mother of two in New York City. Find her @LisaMarshWriter across platforms.
Also in Our Beauty Series:
Cindy Joseph: Meet The Pro-Aging Revolutionary
It’s an every day battle…
I began collecting role models for aging: Helen Mirren – actress 72, Ernestine Shepard- body builder 81, Carmen Dell Orefice – model 86, Gloria Struck – biker 92, Eileen Kramer – choreographer 103. Decided to age like a badass.
Me too. We rock.
Yeah sister
Age like a badass! That’s a great spirit.
Grace grace grace grace.
I’m working on dressing quirky.
Learn to listen to my inner self and pay no mind to others ideals. Freed up my mind for more important things
But now old dudes think I’m hot. hahaha I’ll take it.
Yes I have reached it. Still working on things
Yes, I am there. Getting here was not easy. Many scars. Every thought is etched in my face. I focus on being like a child again.
Creativity, movement, reading and learning something new.
Age Like A Bad Ass. Helen Mirren. Meryl Streep , Whoopi Goldberg.Oprah. Smile! Happy and healthy is the best pro aging formula.
Get rid of all your mirrors.
Not every woman. I was very overweight my entire life until my early 40s. I was never the hot, young babe. I have never looked or felt better right here, right now on the edge of 50.
I don’t feel ignored at all. Maybe because I’ve never been fawned over for my youth or beauty, but I don’t feel the lack of attention from servers, clerks, etc and plenty of men hold doors for me.
My first evesadvocate—the one that got me the column— was about how differently people treated me after I gained weight.
Patricia Mary is that online? I’d be interested to read it
Lower my standards.
If, for some reason, I find myself temporarily buying into the idea that my value is tied to how attractive I am to men, I simply say my mantra ….Fuck That Shit.
Yes!!
You had me until “have to sell it harder”… Nope. We have to “own it” if anything.
Grind the Sacred Cow of Beauty into hamburger.
Shut up! Your articles are part of the problem. You focus on loss and what we give up to a false set of ideals. Bs. I will not go gently into that dark night. I’m fucking here. I don’t live my life in front of a mirror.
We agree that you shouldn’t go gently. That’s what we’re all about. And we agree don’t live in front of a mirror. We have a whole list of 6 daily habits of women who are aging boldly, and one of them is “Stay away from the Mirror.”
I’m fighting kicking and screaming as well…..but it is disheartening at times…..then I pull up my big girl thong, shake out the wrinkles in my 56 year old skin and get out there and get that….whatever it is that feels young and free.
I don’t think this is a pivotal point in EVERY woman’s life. JMHO
Yes, you’re right. Probably should have made that in “many women’s lives.” Good for you that you did feel this way!!
I like the way I look and feel at 50 so much more than I did at 25. I am more comfortable in my own skin, and I honestly think I look better! My theory is that I was burn to be a middle aged woman, and I’m finally home!
Great attitude. Love it
Now
Great photo!!!
Not just women… unfortunately it hits our “spouses” as well somewhere between 45 and 60. Affairs, mid-life crisis, wanting to feel young and free instead of encumbered and burdened with life and six kids, lol. The other younger more care free interests generally have a huge cost.
Shoot me. Now.
It’s been that way all my life so growing older hasn’t really changed things.
So as I get older my worth as a woman will be tied to how men perceive me. Got it. Such bullshit cannot be possible.
Yep
My looks and demeanor never garnered that much attention when I was younger, so I can’t say it feels all that different now.
Me too.
Likewise 😬
What a sad article. I’ve never felt like this and I very much feel like a ‘real’ woman. The article is sexist and superficial.
Sorry you didn’t like the article. Many women feel this way. You are fortunate, with an admirable attitude!
Please read the whole article. The point is this: “you need to own your persona, no matter what others see.” We don’t think that’s sexist and superficial.
NextTribe the point is this: we already know. So stop making it a bigger deal than it really isn’t
You miss the point. They feel that way partly because of articles like this.
True. Lets call a crisis into existence because we said so 🙄
The premise for the article is that ALL women at some point lose their physical attractiveness and become invisible, and the “problem” we supposedly need to solve is how to handle this experience.
This is sexist and superficial and demeaning to women.
Toril Øien I don’t think the article said it was a problem that needed to be solved. In fact I think the point of the article was just the opposite. I relate to this article and I am a feminist working in a majority male industry. I find it sad that often today people can’t write about their feelings without being judged in the light of hyper critical hyper PC opinions of others. I think the pendulum has swung way too far in one direction and I wish it would settle in the middle so not everything is judged as… Read more »
I’m very comfortable w my aging process. I’m the mother of a 25 year old and am often mistaken for her friend or sister. I love being the age I am. I garner the attention of men of all ages and races and I’m very grateful to b aging so gracefully
Date younger guys
There is something to be said for the knowledge and wisdom that comes with aging.
I’m not that vain. I knew it was coming and when it did, I shrugged my shoulders and changed careers.
I never was a “bombshell” or at least I didn’t feel like one. As a widow at 50, and trying to re-enter the world of dating is formidable enough. I guess they are just gonna have to be attracted to my short, round sassy,funny warrior self !!
I have no concept of this article. I’ve seen other women who got fawned over and thought it was kinda creepy… maybe I was just jealous but I guess I’m glad I don’t have to mourn the loss of something I didn’t have! 😂
Same here!!
What kind of sales pitch is this? So tired of media standards pushed on people.
No sales pitch. One woman’s report on her feelings.
I just read this article how sad. So glad I don’t relate to this and I am in that age group. Perhaps a better approach would have been not to establish a limiting belief then giving these depressing examples (and I think the term is midlife crisis) but begin on a positive note of what women are up to in this age group like making a difference as opposed to being concerned about getting hit on or hairdressing bullshit.
When I was a little girl my Grandmother would come and stay sometimes. Her name was Josephine. She came from Sicily. She was very tiny and round and had long silver hair. She would braid it and twist it up on top of her head in a bun. At night she would take it down and let me brush it. It was beautiful. Then she would put it back in a braid for bed. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up. Silver hair, age spots, wrinkles and all. I thought she was beautiful. I got angry… Read more »
This is beautiful.
Thank you
Great article. I think many of those commenting missed the point.
I still think I am hot as hell
Love it!!
Vino
Great read. I can totally relate to the author. I started noticing that feeling of being “invisible” a few years ago. I still like looking stylish and well put together. That will not change. I hope I never need the approval of others to just be myself
.
I read the whole article. It was a little sad and off the mark for me. Because my agency always came from my mind and my actions, that only got better as I got older. And I STARTED wearing bikinis at 52.
I can relate in the sense that I don’t feel as old as I may look. I guess that’s a good thing- meaning I could feel a whole lot worse. Lol
I was always physically very ugly so l never “lost” anything. Instead, l’ve always nurtured my inner qualities. With age has come the realization that physical ugliness, at least for a woman, acts as a wonderful screening tool. I don’t have many friends but the ones l do have value me for ME
Inner beauty shines bright. Shine on June!
I don’t think you are ugly (or have been) at all. You have a distinctive look-you should trust that.. we all may be different but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful. Inside too, even better. I hope you see this too one day..
Duh. Yes and yes.
I went thru this phase years ago, noticing that guys did not want to make eye contact, weren’t as friendly as when I was younger. Oh well, it did not sit well with me but you adjust. Another stage in my life and I am proud to have made it this far(61)I am a mother, grandmother, and still love to shake my booty!
What a silly article.
Lisa Marsh SPOT ON ❤️
Yes!!!
It always comes back to how you feel about yourself, inwardly, viscerally, not necessarily how you appear to men. In my opinion at 64 is if you feel lousy about your looks that lousy feeling will broadcast loudly!
Oh and don’t forget… never lose your sense of humor!
This couldn’t be truer!
I have at the age of 60+ worked to be in the best shape of my life and dress to suit that. I’m having to beat them off with a stick I swear. So much for invisibility. I’m no great beauty, but I am way more confident than I ever was
I bet you do! You are very beautiful, but don’t look 60 at all.
Yep but I still like me!
I’m 63 and I just enjoy life. I haven’t really noticed a big difference in the way people treat me.