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Do You Need to Be a Queen in Your Bathroom?

What's up with all the super luxurious bathroom designs? Mary Kay Fleming wants to know if people are now entertaining in the john.

There was nothing like being stuck inside during the early covid quarantine to make me obsess about our aging home. The bathrooms, in particular, needed complete overhauls after 35 years of neglect, so I checked online for options.

What an eye opener that was.

The first design website promised a new bathroom would “define the entire home.” Really? The only defining moment I’ve had in a bathroom was the colonoscopy prep I thought might kill me. Apparently, I’d underestimated the stakes with this remodel. Our family’s reputation, the value of our home, and quite possibly the entire local real-estate market was riding on my new toilets.

What are these people doing in these rooms? Hosting book clubs in the john?

Before my search, I had modest dreams: tiled showers, new floors and vanities, shiny fixtures. But designer bathrooms were massive, multi-functional masterpieces. Some included couches, side chairs, and end tables with candelabras and fresh flowers. Several featured wall sconces and elaborate chandeliers. One housed a jumbo mirror that doubled as a television, along with a desk and bookshelves. What are these people doing in these rooms? Hosting book clubs in the john? I grew up with seven people in a house with one full bathroom and I can assure you if anyone set up housekeeping in there, the rest of us would have taken the door off the hinges.

But the most eye-popping feature of designer bathrooms was the tub placement: directly below a huge clear glass window with no shades or blinds. I’m still aghast my gym has a see-through panel at eye level in their shower curtains; I’m hardly going to step out of a bathtub in front of all outdoors. One pricey mountain showcase included an entire wall of clear glass. The magazine billed it as a “bathtub with a view” but I imagined the hiking trails offered an even better one.

Read More: My Epic Quest to Finally Create a “Grown Up” Home  

The Height of Luxury?

Even if you don’t entertain in your bathroom—and I think I’m safe in assuming most of us don’t—designers cater to multiple-occupancy layouts. Every model bathroom had at least double sinks if not side-by-side shower stalls. At this point, I wouldn’t have been surprised to see The Love Toilet from Saturday Night Live.

I wouldn’t have been surprised to see The Love Toilet from Saturday Night Live.

The fixture I most wanted in our bathrooms was comfort-height toilets to soothe my grinding knees. Yet, even the options for this basic fixture turned out to be overwhelming. One vendor’s “blowout sale,” pun intended I’m sure, showcased toilets with heated seats, foot warmers, and music. But I have enough trouble already getting my Sudoku-loving husband out of there as it is; I don’t need to make it any cozier in there. And for the love of God, do not tell him about the desks or couches.

One design website after another proclaimed, “If there’s one place you deserve luxury, it’s in the bathroom.” Okay, I love relaxation and a good soak as much as the next guy but don’t real people have real children or grandchildren banging on the door and real pets sticking their paws under the door, not to mention real jobs requiring many of their waking hours? For customers who spend most of those hours on the porcelain convenience, toilet-paper dispensers now come with Bluetooth speakers, built-in iPad stands, and USB chargers. In case you luxuriate so long your batteries die.

Color Scheming

White is a trendy color for bathroom renovations. Sinks, tubs, toilets, and cabinets—almost all the model bathrooms were bright and immaculate without a fingerprint or smudge in sight. Not a single photo of what those pristine bathrooms would look like in real life after sticky-fingered preschoolers have had their way with it or a wet dog stepped out of the Italian marble shower.

She didn’t realize the “statement” she was making was that she’s running a European brothel in her basement.

If white paint is not your style, there are an infinite number of alternatives. Paint salespeople promise the way to “really make a statement” for a tiny bathroom is to choose a bold color. This is how DIY disasters happen, as in the case of my friend who chose fire-engine red for her lower-level lavatory. Imagine her surprise when the “statement” she made was that she’s running a European brothel in her basement.

As for the remodel in our modest home, we are thrilled with our new color scheme which we refer to as “hides dust well.” The newly-tiled floors and shower look great, the dark-blue vanities really pop against lighter walls, and the new toilets ride high. There are no wingback chairs, TVs, end tables, or desks. No singing commodes or electronic charging stations, just my husband’s trusty Sudoku book in the linen closet. And, much to the relief of our neighbors and the local housing market, there are no clear glass walls.

If you are making home-renovation plans, I wish you luck and a large budget. You can make your bathroom the showcase of your home by enlarging it to accommodate a library and lots of upholstered furniture with mood music piped in from a high-tech toilet. Don’t forget the fireplace pokers, upholstery fabrics, and chandeliers. Look for those at Bed Bath and Way Beyond.

Read More: Living Alone: Making a Post-Divorce House into a Home After a Long Marriage

By Mary Kay Fleming

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