Hello. My name is Joyce and I’m an Amazon Prime Addict.

I’ve been ordering on-line for years. I’ve kind of known, in the past months, it’s been getting out of hand, but this week, I hit bottom. I’m not talking about the three crossbody travel bags I ordered and sent back. That’s the point of  Prime, free returns, and any woman will tell you that you have no idea how a bag will look until you hold it against your body. I’m talking about—I’m sorry, can I get a glass of water? This is harder than I thought—I’m talking about shoelaces.

See, I was going on a bike trip and the laces of my sneakers were looking grubby and you know how when you’re meeting new people you want everything to be nice? Because people will be judging you, thinking, ‘Ugh, those shoe-laces are filthy, we’re not gonna eat with her.’ So, I went on line and I ordered a pair. A two pack, actually. For $7.59.

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What the Doorman Knows

It’s not like I live 80 miles from a CVS. I’m in New York City; they’re on every other block, but I’m buying on line so much now, it felt normal. And Amazon  has so many choices: 42 colors of shoelaces including, in this case, Watermelon Red and Navy Blue. The red would have been a nice contrast with my grey sneakers, but a little flashy, so I got Dark Grey. Then, when the shoelaces come, it turns out I ordered the wrong size, so I send them back.

I’m buying heavy duty packing tape in bulk and hiding it in the linen closet.

I mean, I do the whole thing; I print out the label, I seal up the plastic pack made from recycled kelp, I take the package to the UPS drop-off. When I go to Amazon Prime and hit refund, I see this isn’t a free return, they are charging me for shipping, though they don’t put it like that. They say they’re going to credit me $1.59. It will cost me $6.00 to send back a pair of shoelaces. I send them back anyway. I do it without thinking, like an alien power has taken over my mind. Then I order a replacement pair of shoelaces. And when they come and the doorman hands me that little Amazon package, I can tell by the look he gives me, he knows.

She bought shoelaces on-line. Twice. She’s got a serious problem. Maybe somebody should contact her  family.  Nah, it’s hopeless. 

I’ve got to be honest, looking back, I think I’ve had this problem for a while. But when it started, on-line shopping looked like a good thing.  I’m retired, ordering things and packing them up and sending them back gave me something to do. Then, when COVID hit, on-line shopping was encouraged. Ordering groceries on Fresh Direct was safer than going to the supermarket; if  you can’t get a  delivery slot on Direct, you jump over to Amazon Prime. And as life got safer, I just kept doing it. It was so easy. Once you get a Family Mega Pac of toilet paper delivered to your apartment, you’re never buying it at a supermarket again.

Packing Tape Diaries

Okay, maybe some people can order on-line and keep it to once or twice a month. But for me, that toilet paper was a gateway drug.  Pretty soon, I’m ordering everything from Amazon Prime; Q-tips, corn flakes, coffee pods. My daily work-out is stomping down bubble wrap. I’m buying heavy duty packing tape in bulk and hiding it in the linen closet.

It’s been six hours since I bought anything on-line.

I see a woman in the back nodding her head, she knows what I’m talking about. Scotch 3M Moving Packaging Tape, in that red plastic holder, right? Covering the rolls of tape with sheets so nobody knows they’re there? Afraid, when a guest comes over, they’ll go to the closet for towels and your secret will be out.

But I am, I think, on the road to recovery now. It’s been six hours since I bought anything on-line. That $6 return fee for the shoe-laces? I contacted Amazon and they’re issuing a refund. They wanted to put it on their Gift Card, or, as I now think of it, their We’ll Just Keep Your Money Card, but I said,  ‘No, Mister, I want that $6 on the credit card I used for original purchase.’ And they did it. It feels good to be finally taking care of myself.

Is that my phone? I’m sorry, I thought I turned it off. Oh. It’s an alert from the delivery guy trying to reach me, I’ve gotta go….

By the way, I couldn’t help but notice, your coffee maker is not looking so good. They’ve got some nice ones on Prime. You could have it tomorrow.

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